Chapter Thirteen Han
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
HAN
T he fact that my tíos, Mariana, and Leti all expected me to come out gave me a strange feeling. Almost like they knew I’d never felt anything with a woman before. Like they knew I had felt… something… when I kissed Kenny. I shook the thought away. I wasn’t ready to question things any more than I already had.
After the socially exhausting day I’d had, I needed some time alone to chill, so I had Kenny drop me off at the park down the street from our complex. It was close enough that the walk back wouldn’t be too harsh on my ankle but far enough that I could get some time to myself. I sat on the park bench and breathed. The image of the quinceanera sobbing as her father was dragged away was burned into my brain. I’d refused to get emotional at dinner, but now that I was alone, I could drop the facade. My fingers throbbed from clenching my fists. None of this was fair.
I needed to stay calm. That would never happen to me. Not if this wedding went according to plan. This was going to work. It had to.
If even one person didn’t buy it, they could ruin everything. And it wasn’t just me in danger anymore. My best friend was putting his freedom on the line now. Did that make me a horrible friend?
My chest tightened. Would he really go through with this? Would I ever forgive myself if he did?
Close your eyes. Breathe steady…
Back to polyp.
By the time Kenny and I were twelve, I’d been to his house countless times, but this was the first time his parents had entrusted us to walk there on our own. I’d been used to walking around on my own, but Kenny’s parents always picked him up from school, so this was a big deal for him.
I hadn’t paid much attention to our walking formation, but when we turned a corner and I started switching places with Kenny, he immediately put himself between me and the road.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I think you should stay on the inside, and I’ll walk closer to the road.”
“Why?” I couldn’t imagine why it mattered which side we walked on.
“You know…” He shrugged like the answer was obvious. “Safety.”
To this day, Kenny never let me walk on the side closest to traffic. I didn’t understand then, but now it made sense. He wanted to protect me. He was still protecting me.
But a wedding was way bigger than anything he’d done for me before. Of course he wasn’t just trying to make Jackie jealous. Protecting me was in his nature, and I felt like a colossal piece of shit for letting him.
But I was selfish. I’d wanted citizenship so bad for so long, I couldn’t pass up my first real opportunity to get it. And I felt awful about that.
I got out my phone and stared at Leti’s name in my contacts. I wanted to vent, and I knew Leti would understand. Hell, they might have been able to help. Before I could be too tempted, my screen lit up with a WhatsApp call from my mom. So she was alive after all. She hadn’t answered any of my calls for months (which, okay, I’d only called like twice), but whenever she disappeared like that, my mind went to the worst places.
As much as I wanted to talk to someone , I couldn’t bring myself to answer. My mom was the last person I wanted to vent to. I needed to unload, not do more work. She probably wanted to ask for money. I made a mental note to send some to my dad , who could be trusted with it.
I hadn’t told my parents about the wedding, and I wasn’t ready to hear how my mom would react to the news of me marrying a man. I would tell them soon… just not yet. Not while I was still freaking out about it.
When the phone stopped ringing, I stared at Leti’s contact again. Maybe they could talk me down. They were always good at that. But I couldn’t break my promise of secrecy to Kenny a day after I’d made it. As I tucked my phone back into my pocket, a stray cat wandered from under the bench. It sat in front of me and stared.
“Sorry, buddy. I don’t have any food on me.”
The cat kept staring, as if to coax me into talking.
“You know I’m not supposed to tell anyone. I’m not gonna put that shit on Leti,” I thought out loud. I was fully aware of how ridiculous I looked talking to a cat, but there was no one around to witness it, so I kept going.
“Am I doing the right thing?” I asked hopelessly. The cat answered by rubbing up against my shin. I let out a soft laugh and scratched its head. I needed to tell someone so badly, but I couldn’t risk it. Not with Kenny’s freedom on the line, and my status. But the cat was all ears, and there was no one else in the park.
“I’m marrying my best friend for citizenship.” I said it so quickly that even I didn’t fully understand the words coming out of my mouth. I laughed again. “And I’m talking to a cat.”
The cat blinked slowly, a sign of trust that felt more like a sign from the universe.
Rain sprinkled down again, wetting my lashes. Or maybe that was something else. I sighed as my confidant ran to find shelter. I looked to the sky as the water hit my face, letting the tears fall with the drops so no one could tell the difference.
I closed my eyes, pushing out a few more tears. Then I heard someone approaching. I wiped my face and silently shook myself off, then turned to see Kenny walking up, shielded by an umbrella. He wore a jacket but had another tied around his waist. He untied it and handed it over, holding the umbrella out so it was hovering over me instead of him.
“Thanks,” I said as I took off my bomber jacket, tying it around my own waist so I could put on the jacket Kenny brought. He sat next to me, close enough to share the umbrella.
“Can’t have you getting sick on me.”
I thoughtlessly leaned my head on Kenny’s shoulder, and he responded by resting his head on mine.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged.
“You want to talk about it?”
“Nah.”
“Want me to leave you alone?”
“Nah, we can head back. Can’t be getting sick,” I said. If I got sick, I’d have to either call off work and risk getting fired or go to work and get customers sick. Which could also get me fired.
“Want to rewatch Our Flag Means Death ?” Kenny asked, and while gay pirates were entertaining, I didn’t need anything making me question myself right now—or, more realistically, I didn’t need anything holding up a mirror in my face when the answer was just as easily left unsaid. So I shook my head no.
“I’m more in a kids’ movie mood, you know?” A smile betrayed my brooding. The only times I ever cried in front of Kenny were when we watched kids’ movies. For some reason I seemed to have a healthy range of emotions only when watching Disney or The Land Before Time .
“What movie?” he asked.
“ Coco .” I grinned.
Kenny chuckled. “So you’re in the mood to cry, huh?”
“Hey, I’ve only cried three times in my life,” I joked. “Twice when I was a baby, and the third time during Coco .”
“Sure, Han.” Kenny laughed and shoved my shoulder.
We walked back to the apartment, shoulders pressed together under the umbrella, Kenny dutifully walking on the outside closer to the road. Even though we had no one to pretend for, I wanted to wrap my arms around Kenny and squeeze him in gratitude. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to put into words how much he meant to me, and I knew I’d never be able to repay him. Luckily, Kenny wasn’t one to keep score.