Chapter Twenty-Six Kenny
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
KENNY
H an, talk to me,” I begged on the car ride home. I couldn’t help but worry. Han hadn’t said anything after he’d gotten off the phone. He just made his way to the car like a zombie. “I heard you on the phone. Is everything okay?”
Han only shook his head and stared out the window, expressionless. I didn’t want to pry and end up making things worse, so I stayed silent, too, hoping he would eventually say something. The silence stretched the entire car ride home and until we made it back to the apartment. Finally, once Han sat himself down on the couch, he spoke so softly I could barely hear it.
“She’s dead.”
I put a hand over my mouth. I didn’t know what I was expecting him to say, but it wasn’t that. “Oh my God, Han…” I sat next to him and rested a hand on his knee. “Are you okay?” I regretted the question as soon as I asked it. Of course he wasn’t okay. His mom died. How could he be okay? To my surprise, Han actually answered the absurd question.
“Yeah.” He scratched his chin pensively. “I’ll be good.”
I felt tears welling up in my own eyes instead of seeing them in Han’s. I knew he and his mom weren’t close, but I also knew he still cared about her deeply. If this was a gut punch for me, I couldn’t imagine how Han felt. Even if he didn’t let on, he still must have been hurting. I leaned into his side and rubbed his back, but he didn’t react.
“What are you thinking?” I asked softly.
Han sighed. “I don’t want to have a big wedding.”
What? The answer took me by surprise. Why was he thinking about the wedding right now? Maybe he needed to deflect what was really wrong in order to keep from freaking out. That was fine with me. I would give him all the space he needed, if that would help.
“We should be trying to get married ASAP, and if we have a big wedding, it’ll be like a year before we can even do it. I don’t want to wait that long,” Han said clinically, as if this were the only thing in the world that troubled him.
“I’ll… talk to my parents,” I said. I met Han’s eyes, which surprisingly didn’t look sad. They just looked tired. Too tired. I threw my arms around him and squeezed him up in a hug. “Whatever you need… just say the word, okay?”
Han let out a quick breath of air through his nose. “Thanks, bro.”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Even if I didn’t understand Han’s aversion to vulnerability, I had to respect it, at least right now.
“What do you mean you don’t want a big wedding?” my mom barked through the phone.
“Han’s mom died .” I whispered the word “died,” as if Han would hear from his room. “Can we just give him what he wants right now?”
I could hear my mom click her tongue over the phone. “And I’m sorry about that, truly, I am, but you know how much I’ve always wanted my only baby to have a big fancy wedding!”
“You’ve wanted that, Mom, but I never did. I’m sorry. We want to get married soon . I don’t really care for a big wedding, and Han really doesn’t want one. He doesn’t want you spending all your money on us, and I have to agree,” I said, finally realizing as I said it that Han had probably been feeling guilty about it. I didn’t want me or my family to contribute to any of Han’s hardships right now. The least I could do was get my mom to back off about the wedding. “Listen, we really can’t accept that money for the wedding. Please, Mom. I really appreciate all the things you do for me, and for Han, but I don’t want this to be one of them.”
There was a long silence on the phone before she said anything. “I think I know what this is about.”
“What do you mean?”
“Would you accept the money for… something else?”
“Mom, what are you talking about?”
“Like, an immigration lawyer.”
Did she know about our plan? She couldn’t. But she did know Han was undocumented, so maybe even if she believed the wedding was genuine, she still knew the next step was to get him citizenship. And an immigration lawyer could practically guarantee this was going to work, even with Jackie’s baby on the way. I didn’t think we could say no to that.
“Mom, would you really do that?”
“Your dad’s college roommate is an immigration lawyer now, and he owes your dad a favor.” I could almost imagine my mom’s finger coming up to shush me. “So don’t even worry about it. I want this to work out just like you do, and it won’t work out if Han gets deported, now, will it? You can consider it a wedding gift.”
“Oh my gosh, thank you!” I wanted to kiss my phone. Even with what happened to Han’s mom, this news had to make him feel at least a little bit better.
“You and Han are still coming over on Thursday for Thanksgiving, right?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I said honestly. Han always hated Thanksgiving anyway, and with everything he was going through, it felt almost cruel to subject him to that just because my mom loved every excuse to throw a party. “Han’s never been a fan of Thanksgiving. You know that.”
She paused for a moment, probably trying to come up with an angle for how to lure us to her party. “Well, if you two are really trying to get married as soon as possible, maybe we call it your bachelor party instead, hm?”
“I’ll run it by Han,” I said, knowing perfectly well the change of branding wouldn’t make a difference.
When we eventually hung up, I threw myself onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling. We were getting an immigration lawyer. Our plan was pretty foolproof as it was, but now there was no way this wouldn’t work. After a moment of reveling, I sprang to my feet and went over to Han’s room to break the news.
“Han?” I rapped my knuckles against Han’s bedroom door. I could hear him humming and playing his guitar on the other side.
“Yeah, come in,” he called out.
I pushed the door open to find Han sitting cross-legged on his bed with his back against the wall, playing his guitar. My eyes wandered to Han’s laptop on his desk, where my most recent red panda sticky note drawing had mysteriously disappeared, just like all the notes I’d ever left for Han. He probably threw them away, which was fine with me. As long as they brought him even the tiniest smile before he got rid of them, that was all I could ask for.
“I talked to my mom. She agreed that we can have a small wedding so we can get married sooner. And…” I paused for dramatic effect as I plopped down next to Han on the bed. Luna came wandering in, and she lay down at the foot of the mattress, since she wasn’t allowed on Han’s bed. “We’re getting an immigration lawyer. As a wedding gift. Isn’t that amazing? It’s cheaper than the wedding would have cost, and my mom’s happy to help!”
Han stopped strumming. “You told your parents about our plan?”
“No! No, I didn’t say anything. But they know you’re undocumented, remember? So, they know an immigration lawyer would be helpful for us.”
Han hummed his understanding as he plucked along to some tune I didn’t recognize, eyes distant. “Cool.”
“Yeah. It’s really cool,” I said, a little bummed that Han wasn’t more excited, but I also really couldn’t blame him. How could I possibly think I’d be able to fix this?
“So, any news from Jackie?” Han asked, and I knew exactly what he was trying to do. He wanted to keep the topic of conversation on my problems so he wouldn’t have to open up. It was a very Han tactic. And it was one that worked spectacularly on me, because I didn’t want to pry.
“Nope.” I sighed. As far as I knew, Jackie was still planning on keeping the baby. Which scared the hell out of me and wasn’t exactly something I wanted to think about right now. “What’s on your mind?” I changed the subject, using Han’s technique against him. But it was for his own good. I didn’t want him to go through losing his mom alone.
“Music,” Han said nonchalantly.
“Music?”
“Yeah, I’m working on something.” He kept strumming his guitar.
“Can I hear it?”
Han sucked in his lower lip. “It’s really not that good.”
“I’d love to hear it.” I gave Han a reassuring look. God knew he needed some way of expressing himself. If he shared his music with me, I felt it was just as good as talking about his feelings.
Han stopped playing as he let out a breath and closed his eyes. It was several moments before his fingers moved against the strings again, playing the same tune as before but more pronounced. It was a slow melody, sad. Then he started singing. His beautiful, velvet voice, for once, full of emotion.
I left my heart at the door where I left you
And now I can’t find it
Sometimes I forget I ever even knew you
So I have no right to cry
No right to cry