Chapter Thirty-Two Kenny
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
KENNY
I meant to tell Han everything earlier, but how could I? There was no way I could have sent him to work stressing about it, and then after getting pulled over? Forget it. Han was already so messed up as it was. All I’d wanted to do was hug him and tell him it was going to be all right, but my guilt wouldn’t let me. I knew I would have to break things off when he came home from work. I just didn’t know where things would go from there.
There was no way Han would ever forgive me for this. Even if I was open about the reasoning, I knew Han would be completely broken up about it. He didn’t give his trust out very easily. It had taken me a lifetime to earn it, and I was about to throw it all away. But I had to, or he would go through a lot worse than getting asked for his ID. I couldn’t let that happen. I wouldn’t let Jackie report him, no matter what.
I sat at the couch with my head between my knees, trying to figure out how I was going to break the news. My first instinct was to call Han and ask for advice. But obviously I couldn’t do that this time. This was a problem I had to solve on my own. I’d already hurt Han enough.
My phone rang. Jackie. I couldn’t answer it. If I had to hear her voice right now, I’d absolutely lose it. I forwarded her to voicemail, but I knew I had to text her. I couldn’t risk pissing her off when she was holding Han’s freedom hostage.
Kenny: I’m breaking it off today.
I tossed my phone onto the carpet next to the couch so I wouldn’t have to see it. I didn’t want to know what she would say to that.
A little after midnight, the sound of keys in the front door shook me out of my thoughts. Han came in, and I braced myself for what I needed to tell him. “How was work?” I asked, no idea how to ease into the conversation.
“I got fired for being late,” Han said without making eye contact.
“Oh, fuck, Han. I’m so fucking sorry. I’ll talk to Daniel, let him know it was my fault.”
“Okay. Thanks,” Han mumbled as he closed the door.
I felt like the fucking scum of the earth. How was I supposed to break up with him now? He’d just been fired, because of me. He’d just had a terrifying interaction with a cop, because of me . How could I possibly make this day even worse, on purpose? I was definitely a terrible person. Han would never forgive me, but all I could think was that a grudge was better than him getting deported.
“We really need to talk.” I forced the words out of my mouth.
“I know. Can we please just pretend like last night never happened? I don’t want it to change things,” Han pleaded, and I blinked back my emotions. I couldn’t do this. But I had to. At least knowing that he didn’t want to act on our feelings from the night before helped. It meant he wouldn’t be heartbroken and backstabbed all at once.
“Han, please, just, let me get this out,” I said. I would never be able to do this if he said another word. I felt too terrible about it, and anything Han said might have made me not go through with it. But I had to.
“What is it?”
“I…” I let out a shaky breath. I debated whether I should be totally up front with him about Jackie’s threat. She’d told me not to tell anyone, but I couldn’t just let Han think I was dumping him after what happened last night. He deserved to know. It wasn’t like Jackie would ever find out if I told him. I could do this. “It’s Jackie. She—”
“You’re getting back together.” Han clenched his jaw.
I ran a hand through my hair. “It’s actually worse than that.”
“Stop dancing around it. Just tell me.”
I choked up, and a small whimper came out of my mouth as I covered it with my hand. “She threatened to call ICE if I didn’t break up with you… I… I’m so sorry. We can’t get married.” Tears started spilling out of my eyes, but Han stood there, seemingly emotionless if it weren’t for the slight tremble of his chin.
“You told her I’m undocumented.”
“No! She just guessed.” I wondered if maybe my mom let it slip, but that wasn’t possible. She didn’t even like Jackie. She wouldn’t go gossiping with her. Maybe it was Han’s reaction to the time she tried to bring up ICE to him that tipped her off. Or maybe it was just plain old racism. Whatever it was, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t risk him . “I’m so, so sorry.”
Han was silent for a while, clenching his jaw hard, but his lips still trembled.
Then it happened. He burst out crying in a way I had never seen before. Not drunk blubbering-crying, but real, grief-stricken sobbing. He dropped one of his crutches to cover his face with his hand as he whimpered into it.
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” I went over to Han to try to comfort him and put a hand on his shoulder, which only made him cry harder.
“I have to move out now, don’t I?” Han asked, his voice raw and strangled.
I hadn’t actually thought about that, but it was true. Jackie probably wouldn’t accept our breakup if we were still living together. “One of us should. I’m sorry…” was all I managed to say. What else could I possibly say?
“I don’t have a job anymore, so I guess it should be me,” Han said, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand.
I couldn’t hold myself back. I pulled Han into a desperate embrace. Then we were both sobbing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”
It was a while before Han calmed down enough to breathe properly. He finally pulled away from the embrace and struggled to bend down and pick up his crutches off the floor. I grabbed them and handed them over to save him the trouble.
“It’s not your fault,” he finally said, voice broken. But the words didn’t make me feel any better. Han turned around and reached for the door.
“You’re leaving already?” I asked. I had kind of hoped we could spend a little longer together. I felt like Han was slipping through my fingers right before my eyes. “Why don’t we just wait until morning?”
He shook his head. “I just can’t be here right now.”
“At least let me drive you. Please?”
Han nodded, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “Okay.”
We made the drive to Han’s tíos’ house in excruciating silence. All I wanted to do was turn the car around and take back our breakup, but I couldn’t. Instead of pulling up to the driveway, I took the long way through the dirt alley to the back of the house. Since it was so late, Han didn’t want to wake anyone up by knocking, and his tíos left a spare key in a potted plant in the carport. When I pulled up behind the house, Han put his hand on the door handle but hesitated to open it. He stayed frozen like that for a moment before quickly turning around and throwing his arms around me. I wrapped mine around him, rubbing his back.
“It’s gonna be okay,” I said, even though it really, really wasn’t.
We sat there holding each other, letting out all the tears, holding off having to separate as long as we possibly could. Instead of pulling apart, Han loosened his grip and pressed his forehead against mine, closing his eyes and pushing out a couple of stray tears. I cupped his cheeks in my hands.
“I love you so much,” I managed to say.
Han opened his eyes and looked into mine. “I love you, too.”
And I knew I shouldn’t do it, not now, but this would possibly be my last chance ever. Still, I wanted to make sure Han wanted me to.
“Kiss me?” I asked, my gaze not leaving Han’s. “One last time.”
Han put a hand over mine, which was still cupping his cheek. He slowly leaned forward and pressed our lips together. It was the softest kiss of my life. The saddest. As we kissed, our tears blurred together, and I wasn’t sure whose they were anymore, but it didn’t matter.
I was afraid to stop kissing him. If I stopped, we’d have to say goodbye. So I didn’t stop, and neither did Han. It was like there was an unspoken understanding between us that once we stopped, this was really over. Jackie may have taken everything from us, but she couldn’t take this moment. She couldn’t make us say goodbye before we were ready.
I unbuckled my seat belt as the kiss grew deeper and more desperate. I needed to be closer. Han seemed to be on the same page, because he started climbing into the back seat. I followed eagerly. I leaned against the back door, and we held each other tight, our lips taking each other in fervently, not daring to part. His mouth slowly traveled down my neck, and I could feel my pulse softly drumming against his lips. He pulled away to tug his shirt off over his head, and I did the same. His hands rested on my chest while mine found the small of his back. He tenderly planted soft, wet kisses on my mouth, neck, collarbone.
When he finally came up for air, I noticed Han’s eyes found my backpack. I’d forgotten to take it out of my back seat last night, but that was the opposite of a problem right now. Han looked at me with the question in his gaze.
I glanced over at the bag. “Do you want to—”
“Yes,” he answered immediately.
He gave me a little space so I could unzip the backpack. I pulled out the box of condoms, and both me and Han reached inside, our fingers brushing together inside the box before we both froze. I hadn’t even thought about how this part would work. I was a verse, but of course Han had only ever been the one wearing the condoms. He’d said he was a sub, but that didn’t mean he was a bottom.
“Oh… I…” Han started.
“Do you want to…?” I asked.
“I, um… I guess I don’t really know how to do this,” Han admitted, pulling a condom out of the box and staring at it thoughtfully. “I mean, I’ve done anal before, but I was always the one wearing the condoms, you know? I don’t know if I’m ready to…”
“It’s okay, Han,” I said softly, giving him a kiss on the cheek before taking off my pants and discarding them on the car floor. I was no stranger to anal, whether it was sticking it in or being pegged, so I figured Han would be more comfortable wearing the condom this time.
He looked down at the condom, then up at me intensely. “Do you trust me?”
“More than anyone,” I said as I pulled the lube out of the bag and handed it to Han while he unwrapped the condom and slipped it on through his unzipped jeans. Maybe it wasn’t the ideal way for us to have sex for the first (and last) time, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered to me in this moment except Han.
We hungrily pressed our lips against each other, our tongues slowly slipping into rhythm. We held on to each other tight until I found myself lying against the seats. Han kissed a soft spot by my knee, trailing his kisses lower down my thigh until he was between my legs. I ran one of my hands through his hair as he kissed me again and again.
I sucked in a breath when he finally took my penis in his mouth, his tongue circling the tip before pushing it slowly to the back of his throat. I let out a soft moan when his throat wrapped around my cock. His fingers, wet with lube, massaged my hole as he continued sucking. Then, just when he took me in his throat again, he slipped a finger inside me, then two. His mouth and fingers were warm.
A third finger found its way in, stretching me just enough that I was aching for more. For him .
He slowly, painfully slowly, ran his mouth up the base of my cock until he was at the tip. His tongue worked its way around two more times before he looked up at me and climbed forward, withdrawing his fingers so he could get on top. He kissed me as he lowered himself down so our bodies were completely pressed together. We held on as tight as we possibly could, because if we didn’t, I was afraid he would slip right through my fingers. He was going to leave, but not yet.
This was going to end, but not yet.
“Han, please ,” I practically whimpered as I wrapped my legs around him tight.
He finally obliged. I gasped for air as he eased inside me, one hand sliding up and down my shaft. He moved slowly at first, as if he was afraid he might break me if he moved too quickly. I hoped against hope that we would never have to stop. Once we stopped, we’d have to say goodbye. Once we stopped, it was really over. But for now, I had Han, and Han had me.
“You feel so good,” I let out through ragged breaths.
The praise seemed to awaken something in Han, because he let out a soft moan and started pushing himself in farther, harder. He tried slightly different angles until he hit that spot just right. Waves of pleasure racked through me as he pounded into me again and again and again.
“Right there!” I reassured him, and he took the hint, hitting the same spot again and again.
“I’m gonna come,” Han said breathlessly.
Then it was like everything I had pent up was begging to burst out of me. All the pressure, the heartache, the anger, the grief and devastation. All the bad things. I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
I let out a helpless cry as it all spilled out of me.
Han collapsed on top of me, and we both sobbed in each other’s arms.
There was no avoiding it now. It was over.
It was all over.