Chapter Thirty-Three Han
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
HAN
W atching Kenny drive down the alley and turn the corner was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. It was really over now. At least we’d said a hell of a goodbye.
I took my time before even looking for the spare key to figure out what the hell to tell everyone. I sent the family a group text saying I’d be coming over so they wouldn’t think someone was breaking in. I knew as soon as they woke up, Tía Mary and Mariana would ask a million questions I wouldn’t be able to answer. And just the thought of being asked about the breakup made me want to burst out crying all over again.
I waited until Kenny’s car was long gone before finally grabbing the key from under a plant and unlocking the back door. I quietly made my way through the laundry room and into the living room, where I was surprised to see Tío Nacho still awake on his recliner watching TV. He must have seen my text and waited for me. He stood up when I came inside, quickly making his way across the room to meet me.
I felt my lip start to quiver as my tío stared curiously into my eyes, surely wondering what brought me here and why I looked like I’d been crying.
“Kenny and I…” I started, but I couldn’t finish that sentence. Instead I covered my mouth as even more tears flowed out. It was like all the tears I’d held in over the years found their opening. Nacho immediately pulled me into a firm hug without asking any questions.
“You can stay here. You can stay here,” Nacho repeated as he gave my shaking shoulders a reassuring pat before pulling away.
“I’ll tell everyone not to ask,” Nacho reassured me. “Will you be okay on the couch? We got rid of the extra bed in Leti’s room a while ago.”
I nodded. Growing up, Leti and I shared a room, but I didn’t exactly want to intrude on them that way now in the middle of the night, even if I did still have my old bed. I was grateful to at least have somewhere to go.
“I’ll give you some privacy for the night, then, mijo,” he said as he gave me one more quick hug before turning off the TV and disappearing down the hallway.
As soon as the coast was clear, I let myself fall onto the couch for the night. When I’d left the apartment, I hadn’t even thought to stop and pack some clothes or any of my stuff. I just needed to get out of there. I even left without Luna. I made a mental note to go back for Luna and my things the next day. It’d probably be best to do it while Kenny was working, so I wouldn’t have to see him again.
For now, I fell asleep in my work clothes from the job I no longer had, in a house that was no longer mine.
I woke up what felt like moments later to the sound of people shuffling and the smell of bacon grease wafting through the air from the kitchen. It was already morning. I stretched out and breathed in the smell for a while, but despite how hungry I was, I wasn’t ready to get up anytime soon.
As soon as she realized I was conscious, Tía Mary stopped ironing clothes and rushed over to me, pulling me into a seated position so she could hug me.
“If you need anything. To talk. To hang out. Anything, just tell us, okay? We know how hard this time is for you.” I knew she was talking about my mom, but Tía Mary had no idea how right she was. All in one day, I thought I was going to be detained, I got fired, and Kenny broke off the wedding. Not to mention I had a broken ankle. I was having more than just a hard time.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I was okay, so instead I just nodded and let her get back to her chores.
“Adiós, Mateo!” Nacho said in his baby voice. He was in his full mariachi gear, getting ready to leave for a gig as he waved goodbye to Mateo, who was sitting in Mariana’s lap at the stool by the counter. Leti, I assumed, was sleeping in as usual. “Don’t you have work, too, Alejandro?”
“Got fired.” I said it as emotionlessly as I could so no one would feel too bad for me.
“What happened?” Tía Mary gasped from the kitchen, where she was using the part of the counter Mariana wasn’t eating on to iron.
“How long do you need to stay for?” Mariana asked.
“I don’t wanna get into that. And I… don’t know.” I felt heat spring into my chest. I needed some time to decompress before thinking about getting a new job. I didn’t want to think about how long I needed yet, even though I knew it wasn’t fair to the family.
“Tch!” Tía Mary waved Mariana’s question away, “You can stay here as long as you need, okay, mijo?”
“Thanks, Tía,” I said.
“If you need work, mijo, you can join the band!” Nacho didn’t even turn around to see my reaction as he grabbed his keys. He must have known it was going to be a hard no, as usual.
I just groaned and closed my eyes, rolling over on the couch so I was facing the wall with the couch pillow hugged in my arms.
I must have lain like that for hours before Leti finally woke up and came out to the living room. They greeted me by pushing my legs off the couch, forcing me to sit up.
“Uy!” I hissed at the forgotten ache in my ankle. “You could just ask me to move instead of all the manhandling.” I forced a laugh. I could always count on Leti not to treat me like I was delicate and breakable no matter what I was going through. I appreciated that about them.
“You wouldn’t have moved,” Leti said, handing me a plate of bacon and eggs, then putting another plate in their lap.
It was probably true. I was too physically and emotionally drained to move on my own right now. I could have used another couple of hours of wallowing. But I couldn’t exactly demand time to sulk while I was on the living room couch in a house full of people. I picked up a piece of now-microwaved bacon and took a bite. It wasn’t as good as it would have been fresh, but I appreciated the free meal.
“You still good to babysit?” Mariana asked Leti while she and Tía Mary got their bags before carpooling to work.
“Yup!” Leti shoveled the rest of the food in their mouth, then reached out their arms for Mateo to come. He happily waddled over to Leti, and they picked him up and held him in their lap. “You down to help me babysit?” Leti asked me.
I checked my phone. I still had another couple of hours before Kenny would be leaving for work and I’d have a chance to go get my stuff.
I guessed it would be nice to feel useful now that I was out of a job, so I agreed. It was a good way to help pass the time, but every time Leti went to the bathroom or went to make some food for Mateo, leaving me alone with him, it made me want to cry for some reason. I wondered if Kenny would be okay raising his baby with Jackie. I wanted to be mad at him and not care, but how could I? This whole thing was Jackie’s fault, not Kenny’s. I just wished there was a way I could still help with the baby, but I knew there wasn’t. I didn’t even know if I’d be allowed anywhere near Kenny anymore without Jackie making good on her threat.
I couldn’t believe one person had the power to completely ruin everything for me. Not only could I not be with Kenny anymore, but I couldn’t even get my green card. Jackie could hold that threat over me for the rest of my life, and there was nothing I could do about it.
I wished I had my laptop so I could write to my mom. But then, that might have just made me even more depressed.
I thought about channeling a jellyfish again and going back to polyp, but right now it was my mom who I wished was more like a jellyfish. If she could live forever like a jellyfish, maybe we’d have time to make things right. Maybe I’d have time to actually send her one of the many letters I’d written over the years. I hadn’t written one of those letters since before she died.
Still, though… some part of me felt like I needed to write one more. Just to find some kind of closure about everything. Since I didn’t have my laptop, I went into the supply closet and grabbed an ancient half-used notebook and a pencil. I sat back down on the couch, hunched over the paper on the coffee table for several minutes before I could bring myself to write a single word, but once the first one came, the rest followed quickly. I wasn’t writing to the made-up mom in my head this time. I was writing to her .
Dear Mami…
I feel like I have no right to be mad, but I am. I know your addiction wasn’t your fault. I know you tried to fight it. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you to help you through it.
But I’m mad.
I’m mad we didn’t have more time. I’m mad we didn’t talk more while you were still here. I’m mad that you were never there for me, and I’m even more mad I wasn’t for you.
But even after everything you did or didn’t do, there’s one thing I want to thank you for. Thank you for sending me to Tía Mary and Tío Nacho. You knew you couldn’t take care of me, but you made sure I was taken care of. If that was all you could have done for me, it was enough.
Thank you.
And I’m sorry.
Love,
Han
I stared at the letter for a while and let out a sad sigh. But Leti came back from the bathroom soon enough, banishing any thoughts of Kenny and my mom from my mind. It was already way past time for Kenny to head to work, so I started getting ready to go myself. I didn’t really have much getting ready to do, considering all I had to wear were my work clothes from the day before.
I decided to just use one crutch today, that way I’d be able to roll a suitcase full of stuff and walk at the same time. Hopefully I’d be able to make that work. The suitcase was at my—Kenny’s—apartment, so I would just pick it up when I got there.
“You sure you don’t wanna wait till Mariana gets home so I can go with you?” Leti asked.
“Nah, I want to go while he’s still working.”
I called an Uber, since it was way too far to walk on crutches. Once I got to the apartment, I rushed out of the car. I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible.
It took me a while to make my way up the stairs with my one crutch, and I absolutely dreaded having to come back down with a suitcase in tow—I’d probably have to sit on my ass and slide down the steps one at a time—but I’d think about that later. I stuck my key in the lock and opened the door, then made eye contact with the exact person I was trying to avoid. Kenny sat on the couch in front of the TV with a deer-in-the-headlights look. He was bundled up in a blanket, hugging Thornelius in his arms like a pillow. His eyes were puffy, and his cheeks and nose were red. He’d clearly been crying.
Luna greeted me first, wagging her tail excitedly like she had no idea how fucked this all was.
“Han?”
“Sorry, I thought you’d be working,” I muttered as I leaned forward to pet Luna. Anything to avoid looking at him.
“Yeah, I called in.” Kenny had this puppy-dog look as he stared at me. I hated how hearing that he called in made me so angry. I was less than twenty minutes late to work and got fired, while Kenny could just call off anytime he wanted. It was such bullshit.
“I’m just here for Luna and my shit,” I said, and it came out colder than Kenny deserved. I knew none of this was his fault, but that didn’t make it any easier to have to see him. We’d said our goodbyes yesterday, and it was easier if we just ended things there. A clean break.
“I was gonna bring your stuff to you. I already got it all together,” Kenny said, wiping his nose. “I’ll help you take it down.”
I sighed. I really didn’t know how I was going to get all my stuff back downstairs, so no matter how shitty I felt seeing Kenny, I had to admit it made things easier. “Okay.”
Kenny walked over to my room and came out a few moments later with my suitcase and a few other items. He looked at Luna like he wanted to scoop her up in a hug but stopped himself. His lip quivered just a bit, and he sniffled and wiped his nose again. “I’ll get her leash.”
Guilt wrapped around my throat at the thought of taking Luna away from Kenny. Yes, she was my dog, but he was clearly her favorite. Was it even fair to take her away from her home and her favorite person? Luna couldn’t understand what was happening, but I knew deep down if she had to choose between me and Kenny, she’d choose Kenny. She’d be happier with him.
“Goddammit,” I let out a frustrated breath. “There’s no room for Luna at my tíos’ house. I’ll leave her here, for now.”
Kenny looked up at me, eyes big and teary and confused. He wiped them and nodded, his voice shaky. “Thank you, Han.”
He opened the door for me, then started lugging the bag down the stairs while I followed.
“I can drive you back?” Kenny asked, a hopeful gleam in his eye.
I wanted to say yes so badly. Wanted to spend just a little more time with him. But I couldn’t. I needed to accept the fact that this was over, and so did Kenny. We couldn’t be seen together.
“I’ll just get an Uber.” I grabbed the suitcase when we got to the bottom of the steps. I struggled to drag the suitcase to the curb while hopping with the crutch under my other arm.
“Can I at least pay for the ride?” Kenny asked.
“You can’t fix this!” I snapped, and the hurt look on Kenny’s face broke me. But I couldn’t be feeling sorry for him right now. I needed to focus on me. I’d gotten through my whole life up to this point, and I would get through this, too.
But I hadn’t gotten through a damn thing without Kenny by my side.
“Can you please just go?” I said, trying to keep my voice steady, but it was betraying me.
Kenny stared at me a moment longer with tears in his eyes. I wanted to pull him close and wipe them away. But without another word, he turned and ran up the stairs, leaving me alone on the curb.