The Broposal

Chapter Thirty-Five Han

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

HAN

I was the only one in the family who wouldn’t be able to go to the memorial service for my mom this week. My tíos, Mariana, Mateo, and Leti would all be leaving me alone in the house for a week while they went to my mother’s memorial service in my hometown. The whole thing was so messed up, I couldn’t think about it. While everyone else got their suitcases together and prepared for the road trip, I lay on the couch strumming my guitar.

Leti did their usual thing where they moved my legs so they could sit on the couch, but then set them back down on their lap once they were settled.

“I think I’m gonna stay here with you.” They sighed.

I stopped strumming. “What? Why?”

“The fam over there isn’t exactly thrilled about, you know… me.”

Oh. I knew my grandparents and tíos over in Mexico were less supportive of the LGBT+ community than Tío Nacho and Tía Mary. If I were Leti, I guess I wouldn’t really want to see them, either.

“What are you smiling for?” Leti asked, slapping my knee.

“Just glad I won’t be the only one here.” I knew it was selfish. But Leti being here was going to make things 99 percent less miserable.

“Yeah, that’s the other reason I wanted to stay.” Leti grinned. “Mexico would be so boring without you.”

I laughed. I’d never thought of Xalapa as boring before. I had dreamed of going back to visit ever since I’d left. And I thought when I was marrying Kenny that I would finally be able to soon. But that wasn’t going to happen anymore.

Maybe it was better if I just thought of it as boring.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by my buzzing phone, and the number for the immigration lawyer, Mr. Jones, displayed on the screen. I let it ring. There was no way I’d be able to afford that lawyer without Cedric’s favor, and I assumed that with no wedding, that offer was off the table.

I sulked on the couch while everyone got ready to leave, but when all their suitcases were packed and ready to go, they didn’t go out to the car. Instead, everyone gathered up in the living room, Mariana, Mateo, and Tía Mary all sitting on the couch with me, Leti and Nacho sitting on the floor.

I raised an eyebrow. “What’s going on?”

Tío Nacho cleared his throat, then offered me a sad smile. “You look just like her, you know.”

I forced a smile back. He used to tell me that all the time, but I always hated it. Every time someone told me I reminded them of my mom, it only made me want to distance myself from her further. I didn’t want to end up like my mom. But now that she was gone, I found myself ashamed of those feelings.

“I thought we could all go around and tell some stories about her. As a celebration of her life,” Tía Mary said, and I wanted to give her a hug. We were having our own little memorial, since I wouldn’t be able to go with them.

“I’ll go first,” Mariana said, adjusting Mateo in her lap. “I still crave Tía Linda’s arroz con leche. She used to let me help her make it whenever we went to visit. Ugh. It was amazing. She was such a good cook. And she always let me taste it first before serving the rest.”

I felt a pang of jealousy at Mariana’s words. She was five years older than me, and I had no memory of my mom’s cooking. By the time I was old enough to remember, she’d given up cooking entirely. I didn’t know the woman Mariana knew. Arroz con leche meant nothing to me, no matter how moving it was for Mariana.

“Ahh.” Nacho sighed wistfully. “I’ve tried to learn how to make arroz con leche like Linda, but she must have had some secret recipe she never shared.” He chuckled. “Have I ever told you all the story of how I chipped my tooth?” he asked, and we all shook our heads. “I tried to take turns with Linda playing with one of my model cars. When our mami told her to share my car with me , she threw it right in my face. My tooth’s been chipped ever since.” He gave a big belly laugh, as if that was somehow a good memory. “She’s always known what she wanted and gone for it. No one could tell her anything.” He wiped a bittersweet tear from his eye.

It went like that for a while. Everyone telling fun stories about my mom. Me, though? I was having trouble thinking of any stories I was fond of. I didn’t have a lot of memories of her, and I hated that everyone else here seemed to, besides maybe Leti, since they were my age.

After every story, everyone would look at me like they expected me to share something, but no one dared to actually ask.

While Mary, Nacho, and Mariana all cried about their happy memories of my mom, I just sat there, jealous. Finally, when it became clear I wasn’t going to say anything, they started wrapping up, hugging one another and me tightly before bringing everything outside.

I didn’t get off the couch once as my tíos and Mariana all dragged their suitcases out to the truck. I knew I should have helped, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I couldn’t do much anyway with my ankle the way it was, but I was still trying to think of something—anything—nice to say.

I finally went out in just my shorts and socks to say my goodbyes, and the cool December air nipped at my skin. I hated watching my family leave me behind, but it was a little better than I imagined it. At least I’d have Leti here with me. We stood next to each other outside in the breeze, watching as the van drove off.

“She liked to sing,” I found myself saying.

“What?” Leti asked.

“My mom. She liked to sing. She was good at it, too. She used to sing to me every night…” I trailed off. It made me wonder if maybe that was why Nacho always wanted me to sing with him in his band. Was it because of my mom?

Leti and I eventually went back inside and sat on the couch. I was in the mood to sing. Maybe for my mom, I wasn’t sure. But when I picked up my guitar, all I found myself doing was ad-libbing about evil people whose only goals in life revolved around ruining mine. God, I hated Jackie so fucking much.

“So, are you gonna tell me what happened?” Leti cut in.

“What?” I stopped strumming.

“With Kenny, tonto.”

Okay, so playing dumb wasn’t a great way to avoid it. Obviously Leti would want to know what happened.

“Your fuck-Kenny’s-ex songs are beautiful and all, but you know, if you want to actually talk about your fight with him, no one else is here. So, you can tell me.”

“I’m fine,” I said, even though I knew it wasn’t convincing.

They stared at me, weighing my answer for a while, before standing and brushing their hands together. “All right, let’s go.”

“What?” I asked, keeping my fingers moving against the guitar strings.

“You haven’t gotten off this couch to do anything but take a shit since you got here. We need to get you out of this house. Tatiana and I are going out tonight for Thirsty Thursday. Come with us. Get your mind off your fight with Kenny.”

“I said I was fine.”

“So act like it. Let’s go out!”

I sighed. I really did want to do something other than mope around on the couch by myself. At the same time, though, I didn’t want to do it because I was sad. Plus, I didn’t want to ruin Leti and Tatiana’s date by going as their third wheel. “I don’t know if Tatiana would want me crashing your date.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that.” Leti waved off my question. “Believe it or not, some people other than me actually care about your well-being and want you to have a good time.”

I decided then that I could go just to have a good time. It didn’t have to have anything to do with Kenny, or my mom.

“Drinks are on you, then,” I said. I’d be broke soon without a job, and I didn’t want to get broker any faster.

“Obviously.” Leti winked. “Now, get your ass in the shower. You smell like pompis.”

After a shower and about an hour of Leti digging through all the clothes in my suitcase to find something decent enough for me to go out in, Tatiana showed up at the house. I grabbed the outfit Leti picked out for me and changed in the bathroom to give them their one moment alone for the night. Leti’s outfit of choice: a nice pair of jeans, a short-sleeved blue button-up with the sleeves rolled, and a pair of their blue Old Skool Vans to match. Thank God we wore the same shoe size, so I could look halfway decent.

Getting shoes on was tough with my ankle the way it was. I kind of wished I could go out without a shoe on that foot, but Leti refused to entertain that idea. Once I got my outfit together, I splashed some water on my face and ran some pomade through my hair. For some reason, I agreed with Leti on one thing: I wanted to look good tonight. It wasn’t like we were going to a fancy club or anything—we were just going to Leti’s favorite bar—but still. I hadn’t worn anything but basketball shorts and tank tops since I left the apartment and started staying here, and I was ready to branch out. What was the saying? If you looked good on the outside, you’ll feel good on the inside? Cheesy, but it was worth a shot. Not like I could do anything else to change my situation.

“All right, let’s go get that sad look off your face,” Leti said as I came out the bathroom.

“I’m not sad.” I rolled my eyes. I was fine .

“Good.” Tatiana grinned as she pulled out a half-full bottle of Fireball from her bag. “Pregame?”

“Oh, hell yes! Drinks are expensive, and I’m paying for llorón over here.” Leti pointed at me with their thumb as they went over to the kitchen. Tatiana followed, so I reluctantly did, too. I wasn’t a fan of moving around on crutches, but I’d have to suck it up if we were going out. I was pretty sure there wouldn’t be too much moving around—I’d do my best to just sit at the bar, alone if I had to—but I still had to be prepared, right?

Leti took out six shot glasses, and Tatiana carefully poured three of them with Fireball while Leti poured the rest with Coke.

“To Han,” Leti said, holding up their glass. Tatiana held hers up, too, and both of them stared at me, waiting for me to follow.

I hesitated for a second before shrugging. What the hell. It felt kind of ridiculous, making a toast to myself, but hell if I didn’t deserve something nice right now.

“To me.” I chuckled as I clinked my glass with theirs and downed the spicy drink, immediately chasing it with Coke. I tried my best not to scrunch up my face when I took the shot. Fireball was a little strong for me, but it was better than nothing. I already felt my body relaxing, and I leaned more of my weight on the crutches instead of balancing on one foot. I was used to the crutches enough by now that I felt like being tipsy wouldn’t be too much of a hazard anymore, so I gave myself permission to let loose.

“Okay, one more, and then let’s go,” Leti said, and this time Tatiana filled our glasses to the brim.

Before I knew better, I’d expected Leti’s favorite bar to be a drag bar or at least a super-queer space, but no. Their favorite spot was just a regular old hole-in-the-wall, nothing fancy. They said it was because they liked the drinks, the prices were good, and that it was nice not running into anyone from the scene sometimes. For as extra and outgoing and dramatic and loud as Leti could be, sometimes they just wanted to be with a close circle and chill. They didn’t always want to have to put on a show, and this regular old bar was a place they could go where none of the people they usually performed with would ever show up. I’d been here plenty of times with Leti, and I could definitely see why they liked it so much.

There was only one other person at the bar, which was kind of nice. It almost felt like we had it to ourselves. I had to admit, the dude looked vaguely familiar—white guy, blond hair, brown eyes—but I couldn’t figure out how I knew him, so I brushed it off and sat down on one of the empty stools.

The place gave off a kind of old-school vibe, which I liked. The bar itself was made of brick with wooden barstools dotted around the rim. There was other seating around the room, too, but Leti always wanted to sit at the bar. Faster service, they said. The music was good, too. Lots of oldies: Destiny’s Child, Ciara, Mariah Carey—that kind of vibe. And of course there was a dance floor that Leti would always drag me onto when they got way too drunk, but that obviously wouldn’t be happening tonight.

“Hey, Dion,” Leti said to the bartender when he came over to us. From what I understood, Dion was the bartender and the owner. He loved me and Leti, but especially Leti, since they were such a loyal patron.

“Leti!” he said in a low, friendly voice. “And Han! Good to see you, man. And I’m guessing you’re Tati, right?” Dion asked, winking at Tatiana. “Leti told me all about you! Nice to finally put a face to the name. So what can I get you all to drink?”

“Do you trust me to pick a drink for you?” Leti asked Tatiana.

“Obviously.” Tatiana grinned.

“Okay. We’ll have three Blue Coconuts,” Leti said, and Dion gave a thumbs-up as he got to work making the drinks.

“I never said I trusted you to pick my drink,” I said under my breath, but I really couldn’t complain, and I was too tipsy to care anyway. I actually liked the drink they picked and they knew it, even if my go-to was always something a bit simpler.

“I already know you trust me,” Leti said with confidence, and I rolled my eyes.

Before we knew it, our drinks were ready. “We Belong Together” by Mariah Carey was playing in the background, and we all started singing along, arms around each other’s shoulders, swaying side to side.

I sang my heart out, fueled by nostalgia and drunkenness, before it hit me like a punch in the gut how close to home the lyrics got. Then I sang harder, just to get the feeling out. Hell, I was drunk as hell at this point, so I couldn’t have cared less who saw me crying about Kenny.

“Who else am I gonna lean on when times get rough?” I sang, shaking Leti by the shoulders. “Who, Leti?”

Leti pointed their thumbs at their chest with a huge grin.

“This guy!” they said, still swaying to the music. Leti was clearly as drunk as I was. They stood up and threw their arms around Tatiana’s shoulders, then looked longingly over at the dance floor.

I sighed. I knew it would happen eventually; might as well give them permission. “Go ahead and dance. I’ll be fine.”

“Dance with us!” Tatiana said. I knew they weren’t just forgetting about my ankle. Technically, I could have gone to the dance floor to get down with my crutches. I’d seen people do it before. But I was never that coordinated. Walking around was one thing, but with how drunk I was, dancing would just be tempting fate.

“Nah, I’m good. Y’all go have fun, though.”

Leti held out a finger. “One dance,” they slurred, and I shooed them away.

With them gone, I sipped my bright blue drink alone. Well, almost alone. There were a few more people now than when we’d gotten here. And that vaguely familiar guy was still sitting across the bar.

“I know you,” I said, pointing a finger at him and squinting. “How do I know you?”

The guy downed the last of his drink before looking up at me. It looked like I might not have been the only one trying to drink my problems away. He got up from his stool and came over to sit next to me.

“You’re Kenny’s boyfriend,” he said nonchalantly.

“No,” I mumbled, finally admitting it was over to someone . Even if I didn’t really know who. Then again, how did he know that?

“Sorry, fiancé .” He raised his fingers to catch Dion’s attention and asked for another drink.

“You want another, too?” Dion asked me, and I nodded and thanked him.

We were quiet while Dion made the drinks, but when he handed them to us, I finally spoke up.

“Ex-fiancé.”

“Damn. I know your pain, man…” He took another swig. “Jackie?”

I looked up from my drink at that. Then it hit me. This guy did know my pain. He knew it all too well, because he was Jackie’s ex. Bryan.

“Yeah, it was Jackie” was all I could bring myself to say. He didn’t need to know the details. As far as he knew, our exes dumped us for each other. I was fine with him thinking that. To be honest, that was kind of what it felt like to me, too. I know, I know. It was more complicated than that. Kenny didn’t have a choice. Blah, blah, blah. Still. “Fuck me,” I mumbled.

Bryan held up his drink for a toast, “Fuck Jackie,” he said, words a little soft around the edges. I clinked my glass to his and giggled.

“Fuck Jackie.” And we both drank.

“It’s probably a good thing we broke up, you know?” Bryan said with tears in his eyes, and I nodded. I didn’t know how Jackie’s relationship was with Bryan, but I wouldn’t doubt she was abusive toward him, too. “We both got screwed over so bad.”

“Yup,” I said, not knowing if he meant himself and Kenny, or himself and me. Either way, it was true.

“Like, you think you know someone, and then…” Bryan’s eyes got watery again, and, honestly, so did mine.

I didn’t want to face what happened with Kenny here at this bar, but what else could I do with Jackie’s ex staring me in the face? Kenny left me. It wasn’t his fault, but he had. At the worst possible time. For once in my life, I’d thought everything was going to work out. That I’d get my green card and become a citizen. That I’d start a real relationship with Kenny. That I— we —could be happy, without having to worry about anything anymore.

But Jackie went and ruined all of it. If not for Jackie, Kenny and I would be married in a matter of weeks.

“I’m going to fucking expose her,” I mumbled, not even sure what I meant by those words. I just knew I meant them.

Bryan downed another gulp, not seeming to even hear me. Then someone behind me spilled their drink, and he turned his head at the noise.

That’s when I noticed it.

Scratch marks on Bryan’s cheek.

“What happened to your face?” I asked.

Bryan touched his cheek, like he forgot he had a scratch. “Oh, that. She fuckin’ slapped me. Used her nails and everything.”

His cheek looked just like Kenny’s the day he’d found out Jackie was pregnant. Anger burned my ears, balling my hands into fists on the bar. “Jackie hit you?”

Bryan sighed. “Yup. Just the one time, though. I ended it after that. She might think she can slap Kenny around like her little bitch, but she doesn’t have control over me like that. I’m not gonna put up with that shit.”

“Don’t talk about Kenny like that,” I snapped, fists squeezed so tight, I must have been breaking off my circulation. Jackie hit Kenny . How had I never seen that before? “None of this is Kenny’s fault.”

Bryan looked down at my fists, then held up his hands in surrender. “Whoa man, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not trying to get hit twice.”

I unclenched my fists at that. It wasn’t Bryan’s fault, either. He was just another one of Jackie’s victims. This was all so messed up. And I couldn’t even go to Kenny and tell him what I knew. All I wanted to do was show up at the apartment and guard it from Jackie, and never let her come near Kenny again.

But I couldn’t.

With the leverage Jackie had on us, there was no way to keep her from hurting Kenny again. She could use my status against Kenny for the rest of his life if she wanted to, trapping him in a cycle of abuse forever. And there wasn’t a damn thing either of us could do about it.

I was still a little drunk when I woke up, and I had the worst fucking headache of my life. It was probably the seventh time I’d woken up already, but I refused to get up each time. Whenever I opened my eyes, one glimpse at the ceiling light had me shutting them real quick. I felt like one of those guys being interrogated in a dark room, where they would shove that bright light in your face so you couldn’t see anything. But this time, when I swallowed, I realized how dry my throat was. I could have been stranded in the desert for days with no water for all I knew.

Okay, maybe that was all a little dramatic, but whatever. Point is, I was hungover. As hell.

I rolled over on my stomach and groaned into the couch pillow. I lay there for a while but couldn’t fall back asleep. I wondered if Leti was as hungover as I was.

It was as if my thoughts of Leti summoned them, because before I knew it, they were lifting my feet up from the couch so they could sit down. I sighed and forced myself to sit up and face them. I ran a hand down my face as I tried to come up with something to say.

“I’m such an asshole” was all that came out.

Leti just frowned at me. They probably wanted me to explain why I was an asshole, but what was I supposed to say? That I was letting Kenny be held hostage in an abusive situation for my sake? God, I felt sick just thinking about it.

“I’m just a terrible person” was all I could manage to say about it.

“Stop it.” Leti held up a hand to shush me, still frowning. “What are you doing, Ale? I’m worried.” Their voice was softer than usual.

I wondered if they were worried because of how much I’d been drinking lately. Because of my mom. But I wasn’t my mom. I’d never had an addictive personality like she did, and I’d never done anything besides drink and smoke a little weed. I was not my mom. Still, I knew it wasn’t too healthy to drink my problems away. “I’ll cool it on the alcohol for a while,” I said, scratching my head.

“That’s not what I’m worried about,” Leti said.

“Then what?”

“ You , Ale. Talk to me. For once in your life, tell someone what’s going on in your head! You don’t have to be alone in this.”

“I…” I didn’t know what to say. There was no way to explain the whole situation without telling Leti about Jackie’s threat, which would definitely make Leti try to get involved, and I couldn’t have that. “Kenny left me,” I finally admitted. The words came out strangled and raw. It was the first time I’d admitted the truth to anyone. Kenny broke it off. There would be no wedding, or green card, or kissing Kenny. None of it. Maybe I couldn’t tell Leti about Jackie’s threat, but I also couldn’t keep the breakup a secret forever. Especially with the would-have-been wedding date coming up.

“No…” The word came out Leti’s mouth as if they hadn’t meant to say it at all. They ran a hand through their long black hair and sighed. “I’m so fucking sorry, Ale. I… I think it’s my fault he called it off.”

“What? Why? What did you do?”

“At the bachelor party, I told him that if he wasn’t sure about things, that he shouldn’t keep stringing you along. I basically told him to break it off. And then he did. Fuck! I’m so fucking sorry.”

I rubbed my temples. It made sense that Leti would think it was their fault, but that was the night Kenny and I admitted our feelings to each other. If anything, whatever Leti said to Kenny only made him more confident we should be together. If Jackie hadn’t gotten in the way… “It’s not your fault, Leti.” I couldn’t tell them why, but I didn’t want them blaming themself for any of this. “I promise. It had nothing to do with that talk.”

“Well, did he give you a reason for calling things off?” Leti asked.

“Jackie…” was all I could say. It wasn’t even a lie, even if Leti was thinking something different. It was all Jackie’s fault, whichever way you looked at it.

“That motherfu—”

“It’s fine, Leti. I don’t want to talk about Kenny anymore, okay?”

Leti shook their head, eyebrows scrunched together. “I’m really sorry.”

“Yeah, me too,” I mumbled. I didn’t even have the energy to feel angry. Just tired. Just hopeless.

“I hate to leave you right now, but I have to go,” Leti said, patting my thigh before getting up and putting their hair up in a colita.

“It’s fine. Where are you going?”

But Leti seemed to be on a mission, and they either didn’t hear me or ignored me. It was like they forgot they had anywhere to be until right then. They were already out the door before I had a chance to ask again.

I sighed and leaned my head back against the edge of the couch. Everything fucking sucked. I hated how helpless I felt about the whole situation. It was like no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t catch a break. Jackie’s threat would always be there, taunting me. How long would she keep me out of Kenny’s life? Would she ever just decide to make good on it for no reason, just because she didn’t like me? The thought made my skin crawl. There had to be something I could do to protect myself, to get her off my back. Something to free Kenny from her death grip. And to get him back in my life.

Then my drunken words from the night before came back to me, and an idea formed in my head. It was risky. I’d be risking everything . But this was a risk I had to take if I ever wanted to get my life back. To get Kenny back.

I’m going to fucking expose her.