Chapter Thirty-Seven Han
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
HAN
T his was the day I would get my life back. I woke up early (okay, okay, noon) to get ready. I might have been procrastinating, just a little. Hell, this plan was a complete gamble, but I was pretty sure it could work. I let out a deep breath as I opened the Uber’s door and picked my crutches up from the floor. The car was gone before I knew it, so I couldn’t just retreat and go back to Nacho and Mary’s place. I stood there, right outside Jackie’s house, hoping to God this plan would work. Just as I was about to make my way to the door, I noticed a car in the driveway, and my stomach yanked itself into a tangle of knots.
Kenny was here. The hell was Kenny doing here?
There was no way he could have already forgiven Jackie for what she’d done to me, right? I didn’t want to believe that. So why was he here? I made my way to the door to find out, totally consumed by the bubbling anger at the notion that the two of them were just hanging out right now. I knew I wasn’t being fair or logical, but none of that mattered in the moment.
I wasn’t about to accept any of this. I rang the doorbell. I had to focus. This visit was about getting Jackie to back off, not about Kenny. And I would get Jackie to back off. I had to.
After a couple of minutes, there was still no answer, so I rang it again. And waited.
After what felt like ages, I finally heard Kenny’s voice from behind the door. “I’ll get rid of him, okay?” The fuck?
Now I really was mad. Kenny’s voice was close enough to the door that it was obvious he’d already used the peephole to see it was me. I couldn’t believe he had actually said that about me.
The door peeked open, showing me only a sliver of Kenny’s face.
“Han, you should go. It’s really not a good time right now.”
And that fucker actually tried to close the door in my face! I blocked it by slipping one of my crutches through the crack in the door. “The hell it’s not!” I said as I rammed my shoulder against the door and forced it open.
Kenny tried to protest, and I had to admit, if he wanted to, he could have just physically pushed me out of the house. But he didn’t touch me.
“Han, I’m trying to help you,” Kenny said under his breath so Jackie couldn’t hear, but I just pushed past him. Kenny could explain later. For now, I was doing this. Whether he had my back or not. I had to look out for myself, now more than ever.
As soon as Jackie heard me come in, she marched over to the entrance where we were standing.
“Are you fucking kidding me? Why would you let him in? You’re really not helping your case here, Ken,” she said harshly.
Kenny looked absolutely horrified. His face was turning red, and his mouth just hung open as he stuttered out a frantic “I—I tried to—”
But I wasn’t going to let either of them dominate this conversation. This was about me.
“I know you’re gonna call ICE on me, Jackie,” I interrupted, watching her face carefully for a reaction. Her head whipped over in Kenny’s direction.
“You told him?” she shouted.
Kenny gave me a deer-in-headlights look. He had no idea what I was doing here or why I was egging Jackie on, but that didn’t matter. He’d figure it out soon enough.
“So what if I do call?” Jackie seethed, her face now a blotchy red. “All you’ve done since I’ve known you is try to ruin my relationship! Why should I protect you from the consequences of your own actions?”
“Jackie, please—” Kenny pleaded, but I cut him off.
“Do it, then,” I said, meeting Jackie’s shocked eyes.
“What?” she and Kenny said in unison. Kenny looked even more surprised than Jackie, but he moved his body between us, as if he could shield me from whatever I was about to unleash.
“If you want to call ICE on me, then do it. I’ll probably get deported, or maybe locked up for a while. Same difference to you though, right?”
“Han, what are you doing?” Kenny asked.
Jackie just stared at me like I’d been speaking gibberish. “I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I seriously will call them if you don’t back off Kenny.”
“Go ahead,” I said, not daring to lose Jackie’s gaze. “If you’re not bluffing, then neither am I.”
“What are you talking about?” She crossed her arms apprehensively. Kenny’s expression finally switched from fearful to curious.
“I have posts ready to go on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Posts with your name, your picture, your job, and the whole story of how you called ICE on me to break up my marriage with Kenny. If you try anything, Leti has the go-ahead to post all of them. Your choice.”
“You’re not serious,” she said, eyes narrowing in on me.
“Try it, then,” I dared her, holding my breath. There was no way she’d try to get me deported if everyone would find out what she did. She’d no doubt lose her friends and her leverage on Kenny, and I doubted her job would take kindly to the implication that Jackie herself was an abuser. If she was going to ruin my life, I’d ruin hers right back. “Everyone will know what a racist bitch you are.”
“Oh, please. It has nothing to do with racism. This is about me and Kenny.”
“Then you wouldn’t mind Leti posting about it? How many people do you think will see it your way?”
“I—I’m not racist ! I… It’s just…” Then she just burst into tears. “I wasn’t actually gonna do it, okay? Is that what you want to hear?” When I didn’t give her so much as a pitying look, she turned to Kenny. “What else was I supposed to do? You weren’t listening to me! I had a fucking baby on the way, and you still wouldn’t break up with him!” she sobbed, but even Kenny didn’t give her an inch of pity.
“What do you mean had ?” Kenny said, his voice cold.
Jackie let out a frustrated scream. “I got an abortion, okay! That’s what I was trying to tell you, why I wanted to talk. I couldn’t do it! I don’t want to raise a kid with Han ! I don’t want to have a baby just to get you to stay with me if you’re not even going to stay.” Jackie’s voice was almost unintelligible with how hard she was crying, but neither me nor Kenny was about to comfort her.
Kenny completely ignored Jackie as he threw his arms around me and squeezed me up in a hug, but I couldn’t bring myself to hug back. Kenny pulled away and looked me in the eyes, relief washing over his features.
“So you can just abandon me like you were always going to do!” Jackie wailed, and Kenny finally turned to face her.
“You know what, Jackie? You are abusive.”
“I’m not—” But Kenny didn’t let her finish.
“You’ve always treated me like shit. You made me hate myself. You made me second-guess every move and every choice I made. You made me, like… really unhappy. You’re so fucking controlling, it’s suffocating!”
Jackie looked like she’d just been slapped in the face. “But you know why I’m like that! It’s not my fault!”
“No, your parents getting divorced wasn’t your fault. But you’re an entire fucking adult now. What happened to you when you were a kid doesn’t excuse you treating everyone around you like shit. Grow up.”
I wanted to slow clap right there. I never would have thought I’d see the day when Kenny told Jackie off, but here we were. I had to admit, I was pretty damn proud of him. Sure, Kenny and I still had a ton of shit to work out, but the worst of it was over. He turned to me and nodded toward the door.
“Come back home,” Kenny said once we were in the safety of his car.
I swallowed. “I don’t have a job to be paying rent.”
Kenny didn’t hesitate. “I’ll work extra shifts until you find one.”
I sighed. Part of me thought Daniel might have realized he was wrong and rehired me, but if he hadn’t by now, he probably wasn’t going to.
“It’ll be okay. I promise.”
“Fine,” I said. I didn’t mean to sound so short with Kenny, but I was still a little caught off guard by the fact that he was at Jackie’s in the first place. I trusted Kenny, and Jackie’s threat was no longer holding me down, but I still felt sick to my stomach. It was like my mind and body hadn’t fully processed yet that I was off the hook.
Kenny seemed to notice I wasn’t as excited as he was. He kept his eyes on the road for the most part, but every now and then he spared a quick glance at me like he was trying to read my energy.
“It’s a good thing I procrastinated canceling all the wedding plans.” Kenny laughed.
Was the wedding still on? For some reason, the thought didn’t comfort me as much as it should have. I had to admit… I was pissed. Pissed about Kenny being at Jackie’s house. Pissed that I had to risk everything today in hopes Jackie would give up on her threat. Pissed about, well, this entire situation. On one hand, I could have just asked him why he was there. It was possible he had a good explanation, right? He probably did. But if he didn’t, I didn’t know if I could keep from showing my anger. If I admitted I was mad, would he call off the wedding again? I wished I didn’t have to rely on Kenny, but I did. So, I had to just go along with it. I just had to be happy Kenny was still willing to go through with the wedding. No, I didn’t have the right to be mad.
“I mean… if you still want to. I totally get if you want to sort through all the complicated feelings and everything first.”
“Fuck that,” I said without thinking. I knew I should have been better at talking about my feelings by now, but what was the point? I didn’t want to find out that Kenny didn’t have feelings for me anymore. Didn’t want to talk about Jackie. Didn’t want to talk about any of it. I obviously still had feelings for Kenny, or I wouldn’t have been upset about seeing him at Jackie’s, but I wasn’t sure I wanted him to know that at the moment. Especially if things had changed for him.
“So, the wedding’s still on. We’re still doing this.” Then he looked at me again, and his expression fell as the car stopped in front of a railroad crossing. “Do you not want to anymore?”
“It’s not like that,” I said.
Kenny paused for a while before saying anything else. “It’s okay if you’re mad,” he said, as if he’d just read my mind.
“I’m not mad,” I lied, glancing at the train slowly making its way by, trying to find the end, which was nowhere in sight.
“You’re not?”
“You’re marrying me, aren’t you? I’m getting my citizenship. Can’t be mad about that.”
“That’s bullshit,” Kenny spat. “You shouldn’t have had to go through any of this. You should be pissed. You are pissed, I know you are. And you have every right to be. None of this was fair to you.”
“Why do you want me to be mad?” I asked.
“Because I deserve it!” Kenny shouted, gripping the wheel tight even though we were still stopped. “Be mad!”
I balled my hands into fists. “You know what, Kenny? I am mad. I’m pissed. This whole thing is so messed up. I want to hate you!” I hit the car door with the side of my fist, and Kenny flinched like he thought I was about to swing at him. “Kenny, I wasn’t gonna—I would never…” Kenny thinking I’d hit him forced me to soften up a little. He was used to getting hit when someone was mad.
He swallowed. “I… I know you wouldn’t. Sorry, I didn’t mean to react, I…” Tears came to his eyes. “I know this is what I asked for. I’m so sorry, Han. It’s okay if you hate me.”
“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you…” I love you , I wanted to say. My voice softened, and it was true. Even if Kenny broke off the wedding for good, I wouldn’t hate him. Not really. There was nothing on earth Kenny could do that would make me hate him. With that realization, I let out a deep sigh. I might as well ask. “Why were you at Jackie’s?”
“I was—” Then his eyes widened. “Oh my gosh, it wasn’t like that! Leti confronted Jackie last night, and I thought it might have made her want to make good on her threat, so I went over to do damage control. I was just trying to convince her not to do it. Which in hindsight feels kind of silly since she was apparently never going to do it in the first place…”
“Neither of us could have known that, though, and it seemed like something we couldn’t risk,” I said, running my hand down my face, embarrassed. “Thanks for looking out.”
“I’ll always look out for you,” Kenny said, eyes concentrated on mine. “Still, it’s okay if you’re mad or if you hate me. I would still marry you. I would do anything for you, Han.” Somehow, I knew he meant it. I knew the only reason he broke things off in the first place was to protect me. It still just wasn’t fair.
Before I could react, Kenny got out of the car and, right there in front of the backed-up train crossing, jogged over to my side. He opened the passenger door. The hell was he doing?
Then he was down on one knee.
“Han, will you please marry me? Will you move back in? You don’t have to forgive me. I get it if you’re mad. But marry me? I lo—I… I want to help, Han. Please, at least let me help you get your green card. Marry me.” He shouted his whole spiel over the rumbling train, but I heard it just fine. Even if half of me thought I was imagining this whole thing. Kenny, asking me to marry him one last time. How could I say no? The phrase finally made sense to me. Not because I wanted to say no but couldn’t, but because I couldn’t find a single bone in my body that wanted to give Kenny anything but yes .
“Okay,” I said, feeling a little choked up. I couldn’t say much. Any grateful words I wanted to say caught in my throat. I really was thankful, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it. The last time I admitted my feelings to Kenny, I got burned. And I knew it wasn’t his fault, but I didn’t want to repeat history. I had cried more times since we admitted how we felt about each other than I had in my entire adult life, so I blinked the tears away. “Okay.”