Chapter Thirty-Nine Han
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
HAN
I t was weird being back in the apartment. Different. And it was my fault. But I just couldn’t bring myself to go back to how things were before. That level of intimacy, of vulnerability, wasn’t easy for me. Kenny had slowly brought it out of me over all the years we’d known each other, but now it was like we were back at square one. It was true that I still loved him. That I was in love with him. Maybe I always had been. But that didn’t help anything.
He had been picking up so many extra shifts lately that we barely had any time to talk, and even when he was home, he was constantly on his laptop working on who knows what. So, maybe he wouldn’t even notice what was going on with me. Maybe I’d get over it before it really made a difference.
I shook the thoughts away as Leti opened the apartment door and came inside with a box of doughnuts.
“You haven’t been eating. I can tell,” they said as they set the box down on the coffee table and took their seat on the couch next to me. They had been coming over to keep me company while Kenny worked, which I really appreciated. They opened the box and smiled widely, waving their hands in the direction of the doughnuts. “Eh? Eh? I know you want one!”
Leti used their huge fake nails to pick up a chocolate cake doughnut like a claw machine at an arcade. They made a show of sniffing the doughnut and sighing happily. I laughed and picked up a chocolate sprinkled one of my own. It wasn’t exactly the healthiest breakfast, but it was much better than what I’d been eating lately, which—Leti was right—was nothing.
As soon as my mouth was full of doughnut, Leti took the opportunity to catch me off guard.
“Why are you avoiding Kenny?”
I chewed slowly to keep from having to answer the question right away. The truth was, I didn’t really know. Still, I couldn’t help it. Maybe I just needed time to heal from all the Jackie-related stress. I knew Kenny only wanted to help me. He’d never done anything to intentionally harm me, and he didn’t deserve me treating him this way. I knew that much.
But I don’t know. I guess I was stubborn. Afraid. All over again.
Leti rolled their eyes. “Look, it’s obvious that you two are into each other. You really just need to kiss and make up.”
I choked on my doughnut. What the hell did they mean by that? “Obviously we’re into each other. We’re getting married!”
“I know about your whole scheme, okay?” I started to protest, but Leti waved me off with their hand. “Don’t worry. I support it. But y’all are being so weird right now. It’s not Kenny’s fault he called things off. I know that must have hurt, but Jackie’s the one to blame.”
“Wait. How did you—”
“Your future husband told me everything. But I’m serious, you can’t be mad at Kenny for what Jackie did.”
“I know. I have no right to be mad.” I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.
“I didn’t say you have no right to be mad. You just shouldn’t be mad at Kenny. ”
“I’m not mad at Kenny.”
“Then why are you being so weird? You’re getting married tomorrow. You two really need to figure this shit out.”
I couldn’t bring myself to answer that. The truth was, I was stumped.
“I’ll tell you why,” Leti said, taking another bite from their cake doughnut before continuing. “If you ignore him, you don’t have to admit how you feel.”
“And how would you know how I feel?” I felt my ears heating up with embarrassment.
“You’re obvious. Both of you. God, why are you so allergic to admitting how you feel? I just wanna take you guys and…” Leti grabbed two doughnuts and smooshed them together. “KISS ALREADY!”
I slumped deeper into the couch. “We have kissed.” I didn’t mention that we’d done more than just kissing. Leti didn’t need to know all my business. “But that was literally right before we broke up. I can’t just forget about that.”
“Because of Jackie .”
“I know! But… still.”
“You’re afraid of getting hurt again.”
I just shrugged.
“So, are you okay with just drifting apart from Kenny forever?”
“No!” I rubbed a hand down my face. I hated how this was all turning out. Before Jackie came along and ruined it, I really thought things between me and Kenny could be different. I thought we could really be… something. “I’m just… scared, I guess.”
“What are you more scared of? Getting rejected or slowly drifting away from your best friend until you lose him for good?”
I didn’t even have to answer that. Leti had a major point. I really needed to talk to Kenny.
I fell asleep before Kenny got home from work, and then we had to wake up early for our wedding . We made the drive over to Kenny’s parents’ house in silence. I sat stiff in the passenger seat, waiting for a vibe, a moment, something , to tell me it was okay to tell him. But the only sound in the car was the soft thrum of the radio. I tried to psych myself up again and again to tell Kenny how I felt, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
Come on, it couldn’t be that hard, could it? I just needed to say three simple words. I could do that. I could say three fucking words. But every time I tried to say them, they got lost in my throat. Before I knew it, we were at Elisa and Cedric’s house, and I hadn’t admitted a single thing.
“You okay?” Kenny asked.
I nodded quickly.
Say it. Just three words.
“Are you okay?” I flipped the question.
“I’m just happy we’re finally doing this,” Kenny said. He started to reach for my hand but then pulled away. Goddammit, why did he have to pull away?
Before I could say what I wanted to, a knock on the passenger-side window brought a startled noise out of Kenny. Tía Mary was waving for us to come inside. She ushered us out of the car and into the house. Once we were inside, we signed the marriage license so we wouldn’t forget later on, with Elisa and Tía Mary as the witnesses. Now all we had to do was the ceremony to make it official. My eyes got a little misty at the thought, but before anyone could see, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder.
“It’s good to see you, mijo,” a familiar voice said from behind me. I had to have been imagining this.
“Papi?” I whirled around to see that my ears were not playing tricks on me at all. The familiar smile lines I’d only ever seen over WhatsApp, the thick salt-and-pepper hair I’d surely inherit, and those dark brown eyes that mirrored the shape of my own. How was this possible?
It didn’t matter. I didn’t know who pulled who in, but before I knew it, I was in a firm embrace with my dad, neither of us daring to let go. I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt him patting me on my back. His shoulders were shaking, too, so I wasn’t the only one getting emotional.
“How are you here?” I asked, finally pulling away and wiping my eyes.
Papi just smiled warmly and gestured to Kenny and his parents. “You have your husband and in-laws to thank for that.”
“I… I don’t know what to say,” I started. The tears came back, but I’d never cried like this before. Never been this happy. Instead of words, I just pulled the three of them into a hug, then hugged my dad one more time before Elisa pulled Kenny away from me.
“Sappy reunions will be for after the wedding!” she said.
“Don’t worry, Han. I’ll keep your papi company while you get ready! You’re not the only one who misses him,” Tía Mary teased before pulling me in the other direction so Kenny and I could get dressed in two separate rooms.
While Kenny got dressed in his old bedroom, I was getting ready in Cedric and Elisa’s. I stared at myself in the full-sized mirror, hardly believing what I saw. I was getting married . This was really happening. I was going to be a citizen, all thanks to Kenny. I still didn’t understand why he was doing all this for me, especially given the way I’d been acting recently.
Before I could get too into my thoughts, there was a knock on the door.
“Can I come in, mijo?” It was my dad.
I rushed over to open the door and pull him inside. I gestured to my tux.
“How do I look?”
His smile creased the lines around his eyes. “You look good, mijo.” He put a firm, congratulatory hand on my shoulder and squeezed, holding the other hand behind his back. “You look good. I brought something for you.” Then he pulled his hand out from behind his back, revealing a brown envelope.
I took it in my hand, hesitating before tearing it open.
“Go ahead,” my dad coaxed, and I finally opened it up.
There was a folded piece of paper inside, and a jellyfish necklace. I held the pendant in my palm and stared at it for way too long before all the memories came flooding back to me. This was the necklace my mom always wore. My dad started singing then, and I recognized it as the song she used to sing to me every night.
When the world feels too heavy, when the tides feel too strong,
Take my hand once you’re ready, for we may not have long.
Just close your eyes, breathe steady. Remember where you came from.
It all made sense now. Jellyfish were her favorite animal. Not mine. Tears pricked at my lashes, and I wiped them away quickly.
“What’s this?” I asked as I unfolded the piece of paper.
“I found it in your mom’s things. When your mom was in treatment a year ago, she apparently wrote you letters every day. This is the last one she wrote. I can give you the rest if you want them.”
My hands shook as I looked down at the letter. This whole time, I hadn’t been the only one writing letters?
I cleared my throat and blinked away my tears so the words wouldn’t be blurry. It was handwritten in blue colored pencil, which I was now remembering was her favorite color.
My dearest Alejandro,
I don’t deserve to call you mine, do I? I gave up that privilege when I said goodbye to you. Part of recovery means making amends and taking responsibility, even when it’s hard. Even when an apology can never fix the pain I’ve caused you. My counselor today told me that children often blame themselves for their parent’s addiction, but you are never to blame for this illness. I did a lot of horrible things in my sickness, but you are never to blame. I’m so sorry if you ever felt that way. You may not belong to me anymore, but you will forever be my son.
I love you.
The letter was signed with a drawing of a jellyfish.
No matter how hard I tried, I guess there were some things I could never forget.
I thought I’d forgotten her, but she was always right there. She’d never left my brain or my heart. Never could.
Just then my phone buzzed. I wiped my eyes as a little spark went off in my chest, hoping it was Kenny, ready to talk. Somehow, I felt like telling him how I felt over the phone might be easier. But when I grabbed my phone, it was only an email notification from someone named Patrice Crawford. Who the hell?
I opened it.
Dear Mr. Torres,
We have reviewed your application for the New Mexico Community College Scholarship Endowment, and we are pleased to inform you that you are the 1st place awardee, which qualifies you for a full-ride scholarship to Central New Mexico Community College.
In order for you to claim this scholarship, you must…
I skimmed the rest of the email. This had to be some kind of mistake. I never applied for a scholarship. I continued reading, to see if maybe there was some hint they’d emailed the wrong “Mr. Torres.”
Let us know when you’re available for a phone call to sort out the details. Is 555-847-0384 still the best contact phone number to reach you?
Kenny’s number.
“Papi, I have to talk to Kenny,” I said, and as soon as he nodded, I left the room and made a beeline for Kenny as quickly as I could on crutches. I opened the door to his childhood room without knocking, and a startled Kenny yelped and dropped the tux jacket he was putting on. His cell phone was squeezed between his chin and shoulder. Kenny waved me inside, but held up a finger as he finished his call.
Sorry , I mouthed as I closed the door behind me and picked up the jacket, handing it to Kenny with my eyes glued to the floor.
Kenny grabbed it with a huge grin on his face, though I suspected that grin was because of his phone call. “Thank you so much, Mrs. Frederick! I won’t disappoint you… Yes… Thanks again! Have a great day!”
Kenny hung up the phone, finally turning toward me.
“Hey, Han.” He ran a hand through his slick black hair. I stared at Kenny in his tie and white button-up, which fit just right. I blinked myself back into the moment as Kenny spoke.
“Han, I—”
“You applied for a scholarship for me?” I blurted out. I thought back to all the time Kenny had been spending on the laptop recently, and it made sense.
Kenny’s eyes widened, “Did you get it?”
I pulled Kenny into a tight hug, “I got it,” I said before pulling away. The corners of Kenny’s full lips tugged upward. I wanted to kiss them so bad.
“So what good news did you get?” I asked.
“What?”
“That call you took? You seemed all happy.”
Kenny grinned wide again. “I got promoted! I have Daniel’s old job now. Huge raise.”
“I guess that means I get my old job back?” I sighed, partly in relief and partly in resignation. I needed that job, even though it wasn’t exactly the dream job. Still, it’d be much more enjoyable working for Kenny than for Daniel.
Kenny took my hand and sat down at the edge of the bed, pulling me over to sit next to him.
“Han, I’m not giving you your job back.”
I felt like I’d just been punched in the gut. All I could say was “What?”
Kenny’s eyes widened, “I mean, if you really want it, then sure, it’s yours. I just mean… I’ll be making enough to support you through school. You can take your time and figure out what it is you really want to do, you know? Pursue your passions!”
A watery pressure built up behind my eyes.
“I… Why would you do all this for me?” I couldn’t help but ask. I needed to know. I did nothing to deserve everything Kenny had done for me over the years. The scholarship. The marriage. My freaking dad. Even the sticky notes. It made no sense.
“What? It’s no big deal, really. It’s the least I can do,” Kenny said, his eyes falling to the floor.
“Oh. Okay, then.” I didn’t know why I wasn’t saying what I wanted to say. It was the perfect time, and yet… maybe I could tell Kenny after the wedding. I grabbed my crutch and started to get up, like the coward I was.
“Wait.” Kenny touched my arm, his fingers lingering on my sleeve even after I stopped moving. He stood up to meet me face-to-face, and when I turned back around, Kenny’s eyes fluttered up under his thick lashes, his intense stare meeting my own. “I do… pretty much everything… because…” Kenny let out a shaky breath, and I stepped closer.
“Because what?”
“Because I don’t want to lose you! I would do anything for you, Han. Anything for you to stay here. With me. I… That’s why I broke things off when Jackie, you know. It’s why I’m marrying you. Why else, Han?”
“I love you,” I finally admitted. The words didn’t come out smooth like I’d hoped, but they came out.
Kenny tilted his head, like he was expecting me to say something else.
“What?” I felt like I was under a microscope. Kenny wasn’t saying it back.
“No ‘bro’?” Kenny bit back a smile.
“No ‘bro.’”
“Wait. No, bro, or no ‘bro’?”
“No ‘bro.’”
Kenny tilted his head. “That doesn’t make it any clearer.”
I shook my head, laughing, and Kenny laughed, too.
I put my hands on his shoulders for emphasis. “I’m in love with you,” I said again, then closed the space between us and kissed him eagerly. I wanted him to know without question that I still felt the same as I did that night. We both sank into the kiss for a moment before I pulled away. “Is that clear enough for you?”
Kenny smiled. “I love you, too, Han.”
“Glad we cleared that up.” I found myself fidgeting with my tie, which was loose around my neck.
“Here, let me help you with that,” Kenny said as he reached out toward my tie to adjust it himself. But instead of tightening it like I’d expected, he loosened it even more.
“What are you doing?” I asked, and Kenny looked up at me with a mischievous smirk.
“Are you still… curious?” he asked.
I bit my lip and nodded breathlessly, more than ready for whatever he had planned.
“Good, good,” Kenny said thoughtfully as he turned to lock the door. “Sit down and take off your jacket.”
I tossed my suit jacket as Kenny gently pushed me to sit on the bed and undid my shirt one button at a time, speaking slowly as he did.
“If you need me to stop, your color is red, understand?” Another button, and then he tightened the tie around my bare neck.
I nodded.
“If you need me to slow down or try something else, your color is yellow.” Last button.
“Yes, sir,” I said readily, then quickly took off the shirt and threw it on the floor, too.
“And if you like it”—he grabbed the middle of the tie and wrapped it around his hand once. Then he leaned down and gave it a firm tug, pulling me almost close enough to kiss, but didn’t close the gap—“then your color is green.”
“Green, green,” I said breathlessly.
“Good.” Kenny smiled approvingly. “And if you go nonverbal or can’t talk for whatever reason, snap your fingers once for yellow and twice for red.”
I nodded, wanting to melt into a puddle right then. I didn’t go nonverbal very often, but I felt more than safe knowing Kenny had already considered the possibility.
“I don’t have my backpack with me, so we’ll have to get a little creative,” Kenny said as he started to undo his own tie. “Give me your hands,” he commanded. He pulled the tie off his neck and held it in both hands, then snapped it like a belt, making my insides churn.
I held my hands out together for him, and he quickly got to work tying them. The tie was snug against my wrists as he cinched it, securing my hands together tight. “Color?” he asked.
“Green.”
He smiled, then let my hands fall to my lap and turned around, searching the room for something. “Pretty sure I have some lube and condoms in here somewhere,” Kenny said, opening and closing dresser drawers until he finally found what he was looking for. Then he grabbed a towel that was hanging from the closet door and laid it out on the bed.
Before he could come closer and put a condom on me, I couldn’t help but interrupt his thought process.
“I want you to fuck me,” I blurted out.
Kenny turned toward me, raising an eyebrow. I felt so vulnerable sitting there, hands tied and shirtless with him staring at me like that.
“Please,” I found myself begging.
Kenny smiled and took a step closer so he was standing over me at the edge of the bed. “I like it when you beg,” he said before stealing a hungry kiss. My hands came up to touch his chest, but since they were tied together, they just got pinned against my own. There was that feeling again pulsing in my groin. God, I wanted him so bad. Needed him.
“ Please , Kenny,” I said again, my voice desperate.
Then he put a hand on my chest and pushed me down onto my back before climbing on top of me. I let out a ragged breath as he pinned my hands above my head and used what was left of the tie to secure them to the headboard.
“Color?” he asked.
“ Green ,” I said enthusiastically, and he smiled again.
He got to work pulling my pants off and discarding them. Then he positioned himself in between my legs and grabbed them to spread them apart. My breath hitched as he lowered his head and licked my hole. I couldn’t help but squirm as his wet tongue worked its way inside me.
Chatter from people arriving outside the door made my heart race. We could get caught. But that somehow only made this feel all the more real. More exciting. Kenny hesitated like he was about to pull away.
“Green,” I said eagerly. “Don’t stop. Green.”
“Will you be quiet for me?” Kenny asked smoothly, and I nodded, pressing my lips together and swallowing.
Then a lubed finger replaced his tongue, and he stretched me for a while before slipping another finger inside. His other hand started stroking my cock in rhythm with his fingers. I had thought I’d be too tight for anal to work, but Kenny’s fingers had a way of loosening me up. I let out a noise of pleasure that might have been loud enough for someone outside to hear, but at this moment, I couldn’t bring myself to care.
Kenny looked at me disapprovingly but didn’t stop. “I thought I told you to be quiet,” he said as he stuck a third finger in me, as if he was testing my resolve to keep my volume down. I bit my lip, trying my hardest to keep from moaning out loud.
“Fuck me, Kenny, please ,” I begged in what was barely over a desperate whisper.
He smirked and replaced his fingers with his cock, which went much deeper than I’d expected. It took everything in me to keep from crying out in pleasure. Kenny slowly slid into me, grinding himself in and out. I wanted so badly to touch him, to touch myself . But all I could do was succumb to it and let Kenny do whatever he wanted with me.
He slowly stroked in and out a few times before I was loose enough for him to really go for it. Then he thrust himself inside me fully, and I couldn’t hold back my moan this time.
Instead of scolding me again, Kenny moved his hand from my penis to cover my mouth firmly. “Quiet, babe,” he said, then pumped himself into me even harder.
I moaned into his hand, relieved at the stifled sound that wouldn’t get past the door. It was like with his hand over my mouth, the pressure to stay quiet fully dissolved, and I could finally be completely in the moment. I could fully give in to him.
Finally, Kenny started to touch me with his free hand. I couldn’t hold back the muffled noises of pleasure I let out at the sensation of being stroked in two places at once. Pleasure rushed through my entire body, and I knew if it wasn’t for his hand over my mouth I’d be screaming by now.
All the pressure I’d been feeling up to this point, any anxiety or stress or tension floated away somewhere far, and I sank into the mattress as Kenny sank even deeper into me. I felt a pressure building up in my groin, and I tried my hardest to keep it from erupting.
“I’m gonna come,” Kenny said breathlessly.
Then he pressed himself as deep into me as he’d been, letting out a strangled exhale with the surge of warmth. I whimpered into his hand at the loss of contact when he pulled out of me. I was so close.
He immediately moved his mouth to my penis and started deep-throating me, sucking hard.
“I’m so close,” I moaned as his throat enveloped my full size. I tried to hold back until he wasn’t swallowing me whole, but I couldn’t help it. I came right in his mouth, expecting him to be disgusted.
Instead, he swallowed it, his moving throat muscles tightening around my tip, and he didn’t stop sucking until every last drop was emptied. Until all that was left inside me was a feeling of utter bliss as my whole body turned to mush.