Chapter 36
CHAPTER 36
ARLAND
O pening day had been the beginning of what promised to be a hectic week. We had events planned for every single day. As I stepped out of the shower the morning after the disastrous dinner, I had no idea how the hell I was going to get my head in the game.
I felt sick to my stomach and I hadn’t been this miserable in approximately two decades. So disappointed about how last night had gone, I’d struggled to fall asleep. I had spent all night second-guessing my choices, which wasn’t like me.
The truth was that I should’ve just owned up to the fact that Mariam and I were together—and I should’ve been honest about loving the heck out of her. In the end, I’d told Brian all that anyway. Why I hadn’t just come out with it from the beginning was beyond me.
In that moment when Lisa had asked the question, I’d gone against my instincts and it had been a mistake. After having tried to call her a few more times without receiving any response, I was pretty sure that Mariam was done with me.
Sometime in the middle of the night, I’d realized that she probably thought I didn’t want her unless it was behind closed doors. Nothing could be further from the truth but it was my own fucking fault if she thought that.
Once I’d started with the lie, I’d really committed. In doing so, I had fucked myself even harder. The mere thought of everything I’d said made my stomach turn. I groaned, hurriedly drying off before I strode to my walk-in closet and threw on the first pair of pants, shirt, and boots that seemed appropriate.
To make matters worse, my mom and sister wanted to meet for breakfast before the week kicked off. I knew they were worried about me, but I also really didn’t feel like I could deal with all the questions I was about to face from them.
Even so, I’d agreed to grab something to eat with them because I’d already pissed off one of the most important women in my life. It seemed unnecessary to piss off the other two as well—especially because I knew they just wanted to check in with me.
Sighing, I bundled up in an outdoor jacket that had been hanging on my coat rack and slung a scarf around my neck, and then I grabbed my keys and strode to the garage. Everything felt a little surreal today, sort of like I was moving around in a dream.
How is it possible that I messed up so badly in my forties?
I’d really thought I was over that stage of my life. A week ago, if someone had told me that I would do something so completely idiotic, I would’ve haughtily reminded them that I wasn’t a child. And now, just look at me.
I shook my head at myself, wondering if I should try to contact Mariam again. On one hand, I definitely wasn’t going to give up, but on the other, there was a lot to be said about patience and space. I couldn’t force her to speak to me when I was the one who had screwed up, but I sure as hell wasn’t leaving things the way they were either.
Right then though, my options were pretty limited. I was due at breakfast in fifteen minutes, and after that, I needed to head directly to the Chalet. I could keep calling her, but she’d made it pretty clear she didn’t want to talk to me, which also ruled out stopping by at her place without having been invited.
After thinking it over for another beat, I decided that if I hadn’t heard from her by tomorrow, I would go to her condo. Until then, I would let her have her space. Hopefully, she would realize that I’d simply been trying to keep my promise about not letting Brian find out, and if not, I would explain myself when I went over there tomorrow.
In the meantime, we were also still working together and that meant moving all our personal issues aside and keeping things professional if we saw each other at the resort. Which was going to be easier said than done.
Fresh snow that had fallen overnight crunched under my tires as I backed out of my garage. On the drive to the restaurant, I did my best to stay out of my head and to focus on the road. Getting in a wreck would mean that I never got to tell Mariam I loved her, and that would be a tragic way to go.
What a legacy, being the dude who fucked up and crashed before he could make things right. Gripping the steering wheel with both hands, I kept my eyes on the recently cleared asphalt until I was safely parked at the little cafe where my family was waiting.
The bitter scent of freshly brewed coffee and the sweet smell of baked pastries drifted to my nostrils when I opened the door. I groaned, wondering why two of the best fragrances in the world were suddenly making me feel nauseated.
Guilt and disgust with oneself really are bitches.
Mom and Lillian were seated at a comfortable table near the lit fireplace, cups of coffee cradled between their hands and a platter of baked goods between them. They both stood up as I approached the little table, smiling until I was near enough to make out the anxiety on both of their features.
“Arland,” Mom said as she looped her thin arms around my neck and squeezed me. “How are you holding up, sweetheart?”
“I’m fine. I always am.”
“Liar.” Blunt pain streaked through me as Lillian punched me in the shoulder, her head shaking when I broke away from our mother to glower at her.
“What was that for?” I asked, reaching up to rub the spot where her knuckles had connected with my flesh. “Also, ouch. Since when do you know how to throw a punch?”
She shot me a mischievous smile and shrugged. “A girl’s gotta know how to defend herself.”
Mom rolled her eyes and chuckled. “Do you remember her friend from high school, Donna Lee?”
I frowned. “The frumpy one?”
We all sat.
Lillian bristled. “She wasn’t frumpy, but yes, her. She started a self-defense and strength-training class in town. I figured I’d join it so I could learn how to beat up Smith, but that was before I knew you were about to become a jackass too.”
“Honey,” Mom warned her in a gentle tone. “Arland had a rough night last night. I don’t agree with what he did either, but let’s leave physical violence out of it until we know it’s absolutely necessary, alright?”
“Absolutely necessary?” I echoed after her, grabbing a croissant. “Just for that, you two are paying for our meal this morning.”
Mom sniffed, amusement sparkling in her eyes as they met mine. “I love all of you boys, but women need to stick together. Lillian isn’t wrong. You were a jackass last night. In fact, jackass may be too gentle a term for what I suspect you did to that poor girl’s heart. Have you apologized to her yet?”
“No. I tried, but she’s not taking my calls. I assume she doesn’t want to speak with me.”
My sister scoffed. “And you haven’t gone to her house to grovel in person? Holy heck, Arland. I thought you knew women better than that.”
“I haven’t groveled in person yet ,” I said, putting clear emphasis on the word. “I considered it, but I had to come here to meet you two and I think that if she’s not answering her phone, it sends a pretty clear message that she needs space.”
“I don’t blame her,” Lillian said quietly, but she fell silent when Mom sent her an exasperated look.
“What happened, honey?” Mom asked me, concern etched into the lines of her face. “None of that was like you at all. I thought you loved this girl.”
“I do,” I said immediately, not wanting to leave them with any doubt despite what I’d said last night. “Trust Lisa to have messed it up for me, though.”
“You know how I feel about that woman.” Lillian sneered before she sighed. “However, she was merely a contributing factor this time. You dug that super deep hole all by yourself as if you were trying to dig to China. What was with that?”
“Honestly?” I said, shrugging. “I promised Mariam we wouldn’t let Brian find out until she was ready and I’ve been meaning to speak to her about it after the opening. I figured we’d decide on a time and go to him together, but we hadn’t had a chance to do any of that yet.”
“And then Lisa brought it up unexpectedly and you didn’t know what to do,” Mom concluded for me with a knowing look in her eyes. She sighed, her lips pursing. “That’s about what I thought had happened.”
“You’re not usually the type to blink, Arland,” my sister said disapprovingly. “Why did you?”
“Fear of losing her.” The words were out before I’d even consciously realized what I’d been about to say, but as soon as I’d said them, I knew it was the truth. “I didn’t want to disrespect her wishes. I knew she wasn’t ready for her parents or her brother to find out yet. When Lisa asked that question, I stuck to the promise I’d made Mariam.”
“That’s not dishonorable,” Mom said.
Lillian arched an eyebrow at her. “Until he doubled down and made it sound like a completely ludicrous accusation.”
“Fair enough,” Mom agreed, glancing at me with understanding clashing with worry in her expression. “How did she even know about this? Smith?”
“Probably.” I exhaled deeply through my nostrils. “We were speaking about it at sibling game night and Lisa wasn’t there, but he must’ve run home and told her all about the fact that I’d met someone.”
Lillian scowled. “You see? Stuff like this is why I needed to learn how to beat him up. Asshole.”
“He’s not my favorite child,” Mom said sadly before she turned back to me. “Well, what are you going to do now? If you love her, you can’t just leave it here.”
“ If he loves her,” Lillian reiterated, her gaze suddenly scanning my face. “After that performance last night, I’m not convinced that he does.”
“I do,” I said seriously, looking my sister right in the eye. “I love her more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I know I screwed up, but I do love her.”
Mom remained silent for a moment. She looked at me, then nodded and patted my hand. “In that case, you should stop at nothing to get her back. You’ve convinced me that you do love her, but now it’s time to convince her .”
I just hoped that was still possible.