Chapter 38
CHAPTER 38
ARLAND
A few weeks ago, Brian and I had driven out to the biggest Christmas tree farm in the area. We’d wanted to find something truly special as our centerpiece for the festive season and we’d brought it back to the Chalet with us.
Newly planted in the corner across from the main lodge stood our twenty-foot monstrosity, our crown jewel for the holidays. Although it was on a part of the property that we hadn’t highlighted just yet, the unveiling was part of our plans for later this week. It had already been covered in thousands of twinkling lights and a space had been cleared around it for kids and families to sit during our Christmas Eve picnic later this month. We had plenty of heaters and firepits around too.
I knew Mariam had been here, overseeing the decorating of the tree late last week. That meant she knew where it was and where I would be waiting, but I seriously doubted she was going to show up.
Standing by the tree in the snowy night, I kept my eyes peeled and my chin tucked into my collar. It was fucking freezing outside this evening, but I was desperately hoping she’d let me explain and I would do just about anything to get this girl.
Risking turning my balls into snowballs was the least of my worries. I was willing to put it all out there and lay my heart on the line, to bare my soul and get down on my knees. All I had to do now was pray that she’d give me the opportunity to do any of that.
It had been about an hour since I’d left that note in her office, but there hadn’t been any sign of her. While that wasn’t particularly encouraging, she’d still been hard at work when I’d snuck in to stick it to her door.
The past two days had been hell, knowing I was breathing the same air as her, but keeping my distance more actively than I ever had before. During my breakfast with my mom and my sister, they’d eventually both cautioned me against being too pushy.
Lillian had been very eager for me to go see Mariam immediately after I’d met with them, but after listening to Mom’s reasoning, even she had agreed that it was better to give the woman some space for a couple days. It might have been different if I hadn’t been so convincing that night, my mom had said, but ultimately, I had denied our relationship just a little bit too vehemently. I’d said just a few things a little too harshly and Mom had been worried that if I approached her too soon, the memories would still be too raw.
Fast forward to forty-eight hours later and here I was, unable to do anything now but hope that I hadn’t waited too long. That giving her space hadn’t made her think that I’d meant what I said.
As I was brooding, I heard the snap of a twig from nearby and I refocused, utterly surprised to see her coming toward me. Her hands were stuffed into her pockets, a purple woolly hat covering her forehead and her collar mostly covering her chin and lower lip. Despite all that, I could tell she was guarded.
Her movements were too stilted and she stopped too far away from me. Leaving at least six feet between us, she stared at me through those long, dark lashes, and I saw the hurt in her eyes in the warm, shimmering twinkle of the Christmas lights.
“I’m sorry, Mariam,” I started immediately, my heart somehow racing and sinking at the same time. “What happened the other night was an absolute train wreck. I thought I was doing the right thing but I hurt you and I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am.”
I released a rattling breath as I tried to calm my confused heart. “I didn’t want to betray you by telling the truth after I’d promised that we’d keep things quiet. I figured we needed to talk about it first, but I went too far.”
When she didn’t take off running for the hills or immediately start choking me with a string of Christmas lights, I felt like I might just have a chance. Her gaze remained fixed on my own, but her expression was softening slightly and the tension seemed to be melting out of her shoulders.
It wouldn’t be that easy. I definitely wasn’t home free just yet, but I was a hell of a lot closer to winning her back than I had been five minutes ago. “I might have panicked a little. The three people in the world who couldn’t know our secret were staring at me, and I wanted to honor the promise I made to you. In my defense, I had no idea I was such a good actor.”
She snorted. “Brian didn’t buy it.”
“But you did,” I said, taking a step toward her. “I tried to protect you and ended up hurting you, making it sound like I could never want someone like you, even though you’re all I want.”
When she didn’t retreat, my heart started pounding in my ears and hope surged through me, making my hands shake and my blood heat.
“You were pretty convincing,” she said, eyeing me skeptically still. “Like you had all that locked and loaded.”
“I said all the things I thought your brother would say if he found out.” I nodded bitterly. “I figured I’d gone too far when I saw the look on your face just before you disappeared. Obviously, I would have gone after you, but that would have immediately exposed our secret.”
“How do you really feel, then?” she asked quietly, her voice barely audible despite the fact that there were now only a couple feet left between us. “I won’t lie to you, Arland. You were so convincing that you even have me questioning what’s really going on between us.”
“I love you with every part of myself.” I finally closed the distance between us and caught her face in my hands, my gaze blazing into hers. “If you ever believe anything I say again, I need you to believe this. I love you and I don’t care who knows. I never should’ve lied. I should’ve just fessed up to it, consequences be damned.”
“You… you love me?” A thin crease appeared between her eyebrows, but her fingers wrapped around my wrists, not to push me away but to keep me there. “Are you sure? What about your crazy ex-wife?”
“She doesn’t even deserve to be a part of this conversation,” I said, letting my upper body lean into hers and nearly groaning with relief when her softness melted into me. “I feel so little for her, I don’t even hate her anymore. I’m just indifferent. I wouldn’t even acknowledge her existence except she’s part of my fucked-up family. I can’t say that we’ll never see her again, but there’s nothing going on between us and there never will be again.”
“Does she know that?”
I shrugged, my head shaking as I stared into her eyes. “I’ve made it clear. After her shit-stirring the other night, I told her and my brother I didn’t want them around anymore. I can forgive them for the past but I won’t let them destroy my future with you. Please believe me.”
“You, I believe, but them? Are they going to keep causing trouble?”
“I can’t promise we’ll never see them again or that they will grow up enough to mind their own business, but I can promise I’ll stand up for you and for us, and I’ll never let them make you feel anything less than the amazing woman you are.” I was breathing harder now, but it wasn’t because of Smith and Lisa. It was because I was suddenly hoping that I might really get her back, and not just for another few weeks.
“What about the difference in our ages?” she asked quietly, evidently not about to forgive me until I’d answered all her questions.
Which was just fine by me. We needed to talk about these things anyway and I wanted to know how she felt about everything too.
“Honestly? It means nothing to me,” I said fiercely. “I don’t care when you were born. You and I have a connection that is as undeniable and as real as it is incredible. I love every minute that we’re together and I’ve never felt more comfortable with anyone of any age.”
“Yeah, I agree, but what does it mean, though?” The look in her eyes became sad. “Realistically, what does our relationship look like with you being in your forties and me in my twenties? I want a family one day, Arland. I want to have a baby. I want to get married. But before I get to any of that, I want to travel. I want to experience things. I want to see as much of the world as I can.”
“I would never keep you from any of that,” I breathed, and I meant it. “When the time comes, I want you to have as many babies as you want—I’ll have as many babies with you as you want.”
She cocked her head at me, a slight smirk appearing on her lips. “I want twelve. A cool dozen kids. Haven’t you heard that it’s cheaper that way?”
“Woah, woah, woah. Slow down, speed racer.” I chuckled, stroking my thumbs along her cheekbones. “We’ll get there, okay? For now, I’m going to figure out how to travel with you when you leave in January. If you’ll have me along on your adventure, that is.”
“Really? You would come with me?”
I nodded. “I figure we can travel a few weeks, then come back to the Chalet for a few weeks, then take off again. I know it’s not exactly what you had in mind, but it’s sustainable for now. It’s a cycle we can maintain until you’ve got the travel bug out. Then we can reassess whether to have a dozen kids or a half dozen.”
Mariam stared up at me for so long I got nervous I’d said something that had scared her away after all, but finally, she smiled. “I like that idea. But only if you really love me.”
“I better pack my bags then,” I murmured, a smile tugging at my lips as my mouth descended to hers.
“Good,” she said against it. “Because I love you too, Arland Stone. Next time Lisa asks you a question, maybe it’d be better if you’d just let me answer it, hmm?”
“You got it, my love.” I smiled, feeling like all the pieces of the puzzle had finally clicked together.
My big ol’ house had been fine without anyone else in it, but it was going to be so much better with her and our kids to finally make that house a home.