19
Ella
End of August 2018
T he fairy lights sparkle outside the front of the house to signify the annual company party. Normally I love fairy lights, but these just look like a trail of doom. I haven’t left Dean’s car yet and I already want the ground to open up and claim me. I adjust the hem of the godawful dress Dean chose. It’s nice, but it is in no way ‘me’, just like the damn wedding dress. This black monstrosity is just a putrid mix of Amelia and my mother as they try to mould me to their ideal woman and not the person I am. It’s them marking their claim on me as no longer being my own person and being Dean’s, and by proxy, theirs, in every way possible.
“For what it’s worth, I think you look gorgeous,” Dean pipes up as I check my lipstick in the mirror. His words are poison and I shiver in disgust.
“Dean—”
“What? It’s a compliment.” He shrugs.
“Dean, after everything we’ve discussed in the past month, after everything that’s happened, do you really think ‘gorgeous’ is the right adjective to use?” I question.
His poison makes me wish I had put a coat on top of the dress. I feel exposed, because I know he loves me, and I just don’t want him to look at me.
“Ella, I—"
“Dean, please let’s just get this over with,” I mutter, my voice cracking. I know I’m stopping him from genuinely admitting that he loves me.
The car closes in around me and I just want to escape. His words would be the end and we both know it. I want to run and run until there is no more Dean or party or wedding.
Since when did things change so drastically that he no longer sees the six-year-old he shared a bath with, and he sees me as someone he wants to have sex with?
I hear the car doors unlock and I slam it open, clambering out and inhaling the cool August air so deeply it forces a cough out of my throat when I’m done. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to last tonight if he acts like this. I don’t know how long I can last in a marriage with someone like this, and I don’t know how I haven’t noticed this before now. He’s always been intense since finding out, but he has never been this intense with me, and I hate it.
“Come on.” He puts his hand on my waist and I slap his arm away. “Ella, please, we have to act like we’re in love. Just for tonight, please .”
“We can do that without you touching me,” I snap. He grabs my left hand and I know exactly what is going to come out of his mouth.
“I did not spend that much money to have you wear some cheap tat beside it, Ella.” He shows me the blue promise ring for emphasis, and his anger is now apparent.
He must have a suspicion of why I’m wearing it, two seconds ago his mood was fine.
“I did not ask you to spend money on a ring when I don’t want to marry you, but I am wearing it anyway because it’s important to you,” I chime in with a pretentious smile. “It’s not like a hundred grand is a lot of money to either of us, is it?”
“I also don’t think that necklace suits the outfit, do you?” he says in a low tone.
“I wore your damn dress, and I wore your damn ring. I’m doing everything that everyone tells me to do, so if I want to have a tiny bit of myself then I will, thank you. I’m much stronger than your mum or mine. I have a backbone.”
He glowers at me for a moment, and I know he’s trying to think of a comeback, but he has none. Instead, he crooks his arm for me, and I accept it, knowing if I want him to not touch me, this has got to be the compromise.
“Ella, my darling!” Mum embraces me after the sit-down dinner. “You barely ate anything, are you feeling, okay?”
“I’m fine, Mum, honestly. Just feeling a bit under the weather,” I lie.
“Wedding jitters, I assume!” she enthuses and suddenly looks down at my neck. “Or is it something I need to be concerned with?” Her hand brushes the heart pendant underneath the sheer fabric.
“No, mother.” I smile at her, already wanting this conversation to be over.
“I am pleased,” she snubs as Dean walks over. She instantly straightens herself, clearly not wanting the embarrassment of him knowing. We both know if Anthony or Amelia found out, or even my dad, it would be game over for everyone involved.
“Everything okay?” Dean asks, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. I quickly shuffle it off.
“That is no way to treat your fiancé, Ella,” Mum hisses.
“Ella, can you come with me a moment?” Dean asks and I follow him. “My colleague is just asking to meet you, that’s all.”
I follow him into the lounge, and we approach Frank. He’s aged a lot in three years.
“Frank, this is my gorgeous fiancé, Ella,” Dean announces, and I instantly glare at his choice of words. He just doesn’t fucking listen.
“Ah, yes, Ella. I remember you running around when you were both smaller! It’s lovely to know that you’ve both fallen in love!” Frank pulls me into his heavily after-shaved hold and I find myself stiffening up. He never did get together with Rhianne, then.
Dean and I both share a knowing glance. This singular moment between Dean and I as we both try to keep in a laugh as if nothing is going on behind the scenes, it’s just innocent friends sharing an inside joke.
“Your future father-in-law has allowed me to go on the next cruise we cater for,” Frank mentions out of the blue. I nod at him in response. “Apparently fully paid! A free cruise to Africa, don’t you know? I said to Anthony, ‘are you trying to get rid of me?’ and he answered that he needed market research! I leave in two weeks, I do!”
As he says it, I can smell the alcohol on his breath.
“I must steal Ella back now, Frank. Have a lovely night.” Dean smiles and I breathe a sigh of relief as we walk away. “Rhianne isn’t here, so I wonder who the lucky woman is tonight.”
I snort and giggle in response as I walk into the kitchen for another drink, only to be greeted by Anthony and my dad. Before Frank mentioned my impending marriage, I would’ve made a joke out of it but now I don’t feel like it at all.
“Ah, Ella and Dean,” Dad greets.
“Dad.” I smile as another man appears.
“This is Craig, one of our oldest employees,” Anthony says. “Craig, this is my soon-to-be daughter-in-law, Ella. Adrian’s daughter.”
The stout, brunette man leers over me as we shake hands. Sometimes, I wonder if they are the mafia in disguise with the number of older men they employ.
“Lovely to meet you,” I lie through my best smile.
“Likewise.”
Dean suddenly appears beside me, his hand gripping mine. Though I want to push him off, the fact that he’s genuinely trying to be familiar in this drowning place is quite comforting.
“Shall we?” Anthony suddenly suggests. “I think it’s time I addressed the party!” I roll my eyes at the mention of the damn speeches; these things usually take forever.
∞∞∞
I shift on my feet; this is taking a literal age. I check the time – ten p.m. I wanted to be home by eleven, but I know that isn’t likely to happen.
“I’d like to call my son, Dean, up to the podium. I believe he has something to say,” Anthony announces. As Dean saunters up on the stage with a wide grin like the cat that got the cream, everyone cheers.
“Thanks, Dad. I just wanted a moment to say thank you for all your hard work this year. I know that the rumours have been flying for the past month and I’d like to personally address them. So, yes, it is true, I am getting married in a month.” Dean grins and everyone cheers.
Fuck.
Really?
“Ella, would you like to come up?” He gestures to me, and I feel every single eye on me through the whole house. The shiver that runs up my spine is as ice-cold as my glare is toward Dean: colder than the Arctic.
“Come up!” Dean repeats and I sigh, standing up on the raised platform with him. The cheer is like something you’d see at a concert and the sudden need to hide behind my fake fiancé is beyond control.
“I’d like to say thank you to Ella for agreeing to marry me, and for making my life a lot happier. It’s been quick, but when you know, you know!” He’s lying through his teeth, and it makes me want to thump him.
“Kiss her!” a drunk slur yells from the crowd. I scan the room and see Frank is the one who suggests it. It encourages a few more cheers.
Is this what it’s like to work in a catering company these days? The impression my dad gives is one of professionalism. But as I look over the many manly faces of the crows, they all cheer for a kiss from their boss and his apparent fiancé.
The bile of pressure fills my throat at the mere thought of what they’re asking for.
“Shall we, my love?” Dean suggests. “Let’s give them what they want.”
I can’t even muster the smile to play along and tease them to keep a kiss private between man and wife. I do nothing but shake my head in protest. He just called me his love.
It’s wrong on every level, it’s coming from the wrong mouth.
“Come here,” Dean says again, but this is more a demand than suggestive.
He gets closer to me and the churning in my stomach gets quicker.
“This is what you wanted a few days ago,” he hisses.
His lips crash into mine. The crowd goes wild with cheering and childish wolf whistles. His lips feel rough as sandpaper, and he tastes of alcohol. My body feels the acidic disgust rising into my throat. The reality of this whole situation smashes me around the head as I realise that I’m effectively kissing someone forbidden and wrong, and the idea repulses me with every nerve I have. His hands snake around my waist, pulling me closer, prying my mouth open with his tongue. His tongue probes mine, his left hand squeezing my behind as he does.
With all my might, I push him off me, not caring if anyone sees.
“Get off me,” I hiss, the violation forcing everyone around me to be vultures, trying to get their next fill.
Kiss again! Yell the crowd, pecking away for their next voyeuristic glance at us.
“Ella,” he whispers as I turn on my heel and push my way through the crowd.
∞∞∞
I stand on the side of the road, the wind blowing the tears further down my face as I wait for my taxi to arrive. I very, very nearly called Matt, but after that debacle, I know everyone is probably suspicious and I don’t need that right now.
I grab my phone again and tap out a message: ‘Where are you? Xx’ I send it as I hear footsteps behind me.
‘Mine, but I can be at yours within minutes. Need me? xx’ Matt messages back instantly. I send back a quick confirmation as Dean spins me around.
“What was that?” he spits.
“I could ask you the same, you piece of shit,” I snarl. “How dare you do that to me?”
“You’ve just shown me up in front of my whole company, Ella. Let alone what you’ve just done to our parents!”
“Oh, I’m sorry, did I embarrass you? Did I make you feel small in front of your colleagues?” I snap. He doesn’t give me anything back. “You promised me I would never have to touch you like that, yet you just kissed me, forced your tongue down my throat and groped me! I don’t give a shit about your damn leering old colleagues, and I will gladly walk back in there and tell all four of them what I think of their shitty little contract.”
“Ella, you have no idea the repercussions if this wedding does not go ahead,” Dean says, suddenly turning serious.
“Dean, you have no idea of the repercussions of what you just did,” I snap back.
“I do not and have never seen you the way you see me, Ella,! We have to make this work; I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that! I love you .”
Words don’t even form from my mouth. Instead, they just seep down my face harder than before. He’s never admitted it, he’s never said it . It’s just been lingering between us like steam.
“You promised me, Dean. You promised me you would never make me kiss you unless it was at the wedding,” I cry, allowing myself to lose my dignity and sniff away the tears.
“You went to kiss me the other day, Ella. You know how I feel, yet you dangled it in front of me anyway—”
“Don’t you dare use that!”
“Ella, I was pressured to make it look as real as it should be.”
“What do you mean ‘should be’?”
“We know what this should be, Ella, don’t we? You must have known from time to time we would have to do this kind of thing,” Dean snaps. “Ella, the repercussions of this—”
The taxi’s golden halo turns up and I silently thank whatever is up there.
“I don’t care, do your worst.” I hold my hands up. “I’m done.”
“Ella, you can’t do this!” Dean shakes his head as the taxi stops in front of me. “I will see you at that altar and we will be married.”
“You should have thought about that before you went back on your end of the bargain, Dean!”
The tears pour down my face like warm, salty regrets. Never in the five years of this shit have I been so decisive and confident, but then never has Dean done anything like this to me. He’s always been the calm, collected one, the voice of reason and bargaining. But in the face of pressure, he’s crumbled and betrayed me worse than ever.
“Ella,” he says, trying to reach for me. I take a step back. “Ella, this is ridiculous. I told you how this had to be. In front of people, we have to act as if we are in love. We have to put this front on, or it won’t work.”
“Won’t work for who?” I spit back.
“For everyone. This goes beyond you and me, and you know that.”
I watch as my Mum and Amelia start to approach.
“I agreed to do this, but I did not agree to be touched by you. It makes me sick,” I hiss.
“Just come back inside and we can find somewhere to talk about this.” His voice is commanding, but I don’t respond, I just open the door of the taxi and ask the driver to drive as I see my Mum and Amelia approach Dean in the wing mirror.
∞∞∞
Matty approaches as soon as I walk inside. I stare at him; the dishevelled curls, the jeans with the t-shirt he’s thrown on in a rush to get here. He merely opens his arms and I fall apart in the only home I know will never change or expect me to be something I’m not.
When I’m done crying, he drags me to the bathroom where a bubble bath is waiting, a glass of wine sitting in the small alcove where I usually leave the shampoo. I give him a look that suggests the thanks I don’t have the energy to give him.
“Come here,” he softly whispers and undoes the buttons of my dress. I strip off and sink in the bath, the warm water washing away every sneer, every unwanted contact, every jeer, and pair of eyes I left behind.
“Throw the dress in the bin,” I whisper, glancing at him as he leans against the counter.
He takes it in his hand, bundles it up and puts it in the bathroom bin without a word before looking back at me, waiting for me to be ready to explain.
“We need to leave,” I announce. “I’m ready.”
He takes it in and nods. “Then we can leave. But we need to do a few things first. I assume something happened, and you don’t need to tell me what, but all I need to know is will it compromise your money?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I can transfer more when I get out of the bath.”
“What about this place?” he asks.
“I can contact the estate agent as soon as we get on the road, or we can go in before we leave,” I say. “Someone will contact me tomorrow, whether that be Dean or my parents. I can try and stall them. But if we leave it too late, one of them will come here to find me.”
Matty takes this in. “Right. Do you have your stuff packed?”
“I can do it tonight,” I say. “I have a suitcase ready for this eventuality. I knew tonight would be some kind of turning point.” I reach for my wine and gulp it down. We sit in the revelation for a moment before I take the plunge. “Before we got into the house, he started leering at me, it was the creepiest thing I’ve ever experienced. It was like he was undressing me with his eyes, Matty. Then he kept touching me, like holding my hand or my waist. His dad did this stupid speech, and Dean went up to announce our engagement, and the crowd asked him to kiss me—”
“He didn’t?” Matt cuts me off. I nod in reply, and I watch his fists ball up. “I want to punch him.”
“I ran off. It was just – I feel sick at the thought.” I shiver against the scalding hot water. The bile returns in my throat like a tsunami. I explain what happened outside the house and he shakes his head, his face like thunder.
“Ells, we’ll leave as soon as we can. I promise you. Tomorrow, we will leave.”
∞∞∞
I mould myself into Matty’s embrace in bed, his hands snaking around me to hold me into place, my safety net. In the dark, I check my phone again to find thirteen more missed calls from Dean to make thirty-three all together in the space of five hours.
“Turn it off, you’ll only torture yourself.” Matty yawns.
“I know.” I nod, turning it off.
“It’ll be fine. We have enough money now, and I’ve still got my inheritance stashed away, plus the sale of this place. We’ll be fine. Nick knows to expect us, once we get there, we’ll work out what to do next and we’ll take it from there. They won’t even know where to look, Ells Bells,” he assures me.
I close my eyes, trying to make his words stick in the dark part of my mind that keeps nagging at me, telling me this is such a bad idea.
“You feel guilty, don’t you?” he asks. I turn around so we’re face to face. I stare into his dark eyes, the reassurance obvious in his expression.
“If you’d asked me that this morning, I would have said yes. But after tonight? No, I don’t feel guilty,” I admit. “I just want to be with you.”
“Good,” he whispers, framing my face with his hands. “Because we will be together.”
“I love you, Matty.”
He smiles and picks something out of the bedside drawer. “I have something to ask you.”
I already know where he’s going because I see the ring in his hand. But I keep quiet and let him go ahead.
“Ells Bells, will you marry me?”
I giggle and nod. “Of course, I will!” I’d already removed the big rock from Dean and packed it so I can sell it. He puts the ring on my ring finger, right next to my promise ring.
“Well, that’s a relief,” he jokes. “I was worried you would say no.”
I glance at the ring in the dark, but I already know that it’s his mum’s engagement ring. White gold, diamond square; simple yet gorgeous.
“I will buy you a new one, I swear,” he whispers.
“I don’t want a new one. I love this one,” I reply.
“I feel uneasy giving you a dead woman’s jewellery when you can more than afford a big Tiffany rock,” he admits. I stare into his eyes with a small scorn.
“Don’t talk like that. It’s your mum’s jewellery. I’m honoured to be offered something so important to you. I don’t care about new, expensive rings. I want something that means something to you, and us. She meant something to you.”
“You’re something special, Ells Bells,” he whispers, and I giggle. He claims my lips without giving me a moment to think and instantly I feel myself giving in to the tension that’s been swirling around since I got home. After feeling Dean on my skin, no matter how much I scrubbed, I want nothing more than Matty to wash him away for me.