Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
OLLIE
Luca was quiet on the journey back to the hotel.
Too quiet.
I didn’t like it.
He stared out the window, one hand stroking his chin while the other was fisted in his lap. Normally when we were in a car together, he invaded my personal space, touching me as much as he could with Jack in the front seat.
Not tonight though. Tonight, he held himself close. Tucked like a barnacle inside its shell, hiding to protect itself.
I should’ve taken his hand. Just reached across the seat and reminded him I was there. That he was not alone. That it was okay for him to feel like this.
But how was he feeling? I had no idea. For someone who was usually easy to read, Luca was putting up an eerily impenetrable mask. Maybe he didn’t want to be touched right now. Maybe he hated that I’d seen him like that.
My own hands fisted on my legs. No. I wasn’t going to let Luca push me away. I’d respect anything he asked, but I wouldn’t have him punishing himself or hiding from me.
With a trembling hand, I reached across the distance between us, my hand falling on his thigh and squeezing.
Luca jumped, his brows high as he stared down at my hand. After a moment or two, he covered it with his own. His skin was clammy thanks to the panic attack, but it felt like perfection against my own.
But still, he didn’t look at me.
I held my tongue for the rest of the journey, as we pushed through the crowds of paparazzi waiting outside the hotel, and during the silent lift ride to Luca’s floor.
Jack shot a concerned look at me as he let us into Luca’s suite. I shook my head at him.
I’d deal with this. Whatever was breaking him right now, I’d be the one to pick up the pieces and put him back together.
I let Luca stew in silence as he stalked around the hotel room, checking his phone before throwing it to one side with a huff. But when he kicked off his clothes, marching for the bathroom like I wasn’t even in the room, I decided enough was enough.
Steam from the shower had already filled the bathroom by the time I’d stripped off and pushed my way inside. Luca’s form was blurry through the fogged shower glass. His head hung low, his forearms braced against the back wall as he let the water stream down his back.
I stepped into the stall, reaching around him to grab the body wash he liked to use. Lathering the sponge, I ran it over Luca’s body in soothing circles.
“What are you doing?”
“Taking care of you.”
“Why?”
Spinning him around, I lifted his chin with a soapy finger. “Because you deserve to be taken care of, Luca.”
He bit his lip. “I come with a lot of baggage.”
I dropped a kiss on the end of his nose. “So do I. But I think it’ll be easier if we take turns carrying it.”
The last of the anxiety left Luca’s body. I continued to wash him, only speaking to tell him to lift a foot or turn around. Once he was clean, I shut off the water before wrapping him in one of the many fluffy towels supplied by the hotel.
“I’m not a child.”
I grinned. “Really? Your petulant tone would suggest otherwise.”
I finished towelling myself off and reached down to grab my pyjama bottoms. Luca stopped me by grabbing my wrist. “Wait, are we not fucking around tonight?”
I raised an eyebrow, noting the exhaustion clinging to Luca like a second skin. “We can, but I figured we’d just take it easy. Maybe watch some trashy TV. Cuddle.”
“You’d…you’d be okay with that?”
It hit me then that we’d never spent time alone without having sex. Even the intimate moments we’d shared were proceeded or followed by orgasms.
And as much as I loved that, suddenly, nothing was more important to me than holding Luca close with no expectations. No plans of anything happening aside from me being there for him.
“Of course it’s okay,” I said gruffly, shoving my legs into my pyjamas and grabbing my laptop from the table. I jumped onto the bed. “Let’s just curl up together and pretend the world doesn’t exist for a little while.”
Luca hovered at the edge of the bed, his lip between his teeth. I plumped up his pillows, pushing back the thick duvet and patting the sheet next to me. “Come on, get in and get comfy. What do you normally watch to relax?”
His lips twitched, a ghost of his usual self returning. “Promise you won’t judge me?”
Something in me relaxed as he slid into the sheets, his legs slipping between mine. “Well, only if it’s Eastenders.”
He gave a mock shudder. “God no. Too fucking depressing for me. Although, I suppose the same could be said about Air Crash Investigation.”
“You watch Air Crash Investigation?”
He groaned, his head flopping back against the pillow. “I know it’s weird.”
I should’ve guessed when he said he’d wanted to be an aerospace engineer. With a grin, I nudged him, pointing to the website I had bookmarked on my screen. “Not weird.”
Luca’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really?”
“Yep.” I popped the P, clicking on the most recent episode. “This one was uploaded last night, so I’m guessing you haven’t seen it.”
“Haven’t seen any since the tour started. Been too busy.”
“We’ve got a lot to catch up on then.”
The familiar voice of the narrator echoed from the laptop’s tinny speakers. Luca wriggled around until his head was on my chest, his hand stroking my stomach in idle circles as he lost himself in the programme.
As I wrapped my arms around him and felt him unwind against me, I realised something.
I was happy.
Even with the end we’d had to the day…I was happy. Luca was in my arms. The world was shut away.
And I was happy.
I should’ve known the world couldn’t be kept at bay for long.
We were woken early the next morning by Jack shaking Luca.
“Sorry, Luca,” he said in hushed tones. “I did knock, but you didn’t respond. Kevin wants to see you. He tried to barge in himself, but I convinced him to wait for you in his suite.”
I frowned groggily at Luca. “Is it normal for management to be all up in your personal life this much?”
Luca grunted but didn’t respond. Maybe I was reading too much into it. Wasn’t like this was my area of speciality.
I turned back to Jack. “How bad is it?”
“Bad.” Jack’s voice was clipped, his gaze averted as Luca and I pushed out of bed and rapidly dressed. “Rumours are flying that the two of you are in a relationship.”
“Do they know who I am?”
Jack’s pitying look was enough to answer my question.
“Fuck.” I slumped down on my bed and rubbed my forehead. What would this mean for my job?
“Hey.” Luca was there, his hand firmly lifting my chin. “Don’t worry. You’re not going to lose your job over this.”
“You can’t be sure of that.”
He gave me a grim smile. “Do you trust me?”
His question made my breath catch in my throat. Did I? I’d only ever trusted three people: my mum, Callum, and Suzie.
All of them had ended up hurting me in one way or another.
But Luca…I wanted to trust him. I wanted to crack open my walls to let him slip inside. “I want to.”
He bobbed his head, his lips curving. “Close enough. Leave this with me.”
When he left, Jack following a few steps behind, I forced myself to check my phone. Ignoring the alarming number of notifications on my social media apps, I opened my work email.
Dread sank like a stone in my chest when I saw the unread email from Becky. Sent at eleven p.m. the night before, the subject line contained a single word.
Urgent.
Blood roared in my ears as I clicked it.
There was no greeting. No sign-off. Just two simple sentences that cut right to the heart of the matter.
Remember, your behaviour reflects directly on Identity.
I hope you know what you’re doing.
I sent the screen to sleep with numb fingers. What was I doing? Against all odds, I’d landed my dream job. This opportunity was one even senior writers at the company would kill for. Was I going to risk it all for an affair with a rock star?
A sour taste filled my mouth. No. Not for a rock star. For Luca. After the way he’d treated me over the last few weeks, he deserved better than me reducing him to his job.
But still…was being with Luca worth the resulting fallout?
Yes. My heart screamed at me, reminding me of every tender look that had passed between us. Every joke. Every touch. How he’d gone out of his way to make me feel special. Wanted.
But what if a fling on this tour was all Luca wanted? What if, once we were home, he forgot about me?
I hung my head in my hands, trying to sort my chaotic thoughts into some semblance of order.
The only way to know what Luca wanted was to ask him. To be brave and offer up my heart, hoping it wouldn’t end up broken.
Again.
But what if I was making this thing out to be more than it was? Sure, Luca had hinted he wanted more, but he hadn’t outright said anything. He hadn’t labelled us…or even said we were exclusive.
Fuck, I didn’t know what to think about anything anymore.
There was only one thing I was sure about.
I was falling for Luca. At some point, without realising, I’d leapt off the tripwire. There was no safety net. No bungee cord.
I just had to hope and pray I’d find Luca falling alongside me.