Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
OLLIE
“You got a second?”
Arlo caught me as I finished my last interview of the day. Using a drumstick, he pointed at the seat next to him.
I sat, flicking my pad open as I did. Arlo shook his head, the drumstick now twirling between his fingers. “Nah, you can put that away. We’ve talked about me plenty. I want to talk about you.”
Warily, I closed the notebook. “What about me?”
He didn’t look at me as he spoke, like he understood I wouldn’t like the scrutiny. “You don’t open up much.”
“That’s not my job here. I’m here to write about you all, not make friends.”
“What do you call what you’re doing with Luca then?”
I sighed. I’d been waiting for one of them to call me out on it all day. They must’ve seen the photos. Honestly, I’d been expecting it to be Silas…or maybe even Kai, given how close he was to Luca.
Not the quiet drummer who seemed to be repressing a similar number of emotions as me.
“I call it private.”
Arlo snorted. “Yeah, that went out the window the second the paps found you.”
I rolled my head on my shoulders, the ache of the past twenty-four hours pulsing at the base of my skull. “We’re…I don’t know what you’d call it.”
“Friends? Fuck buddies? Boyfriends?”
“New.” I gave Arlo a tight smile. “Look, this whole…opening up to people thing? I’m not used to it.”
He inclined his head. “We have that in common. But you like Luca, yes?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. I shouldn’t be telling someone before I had the chance to tell Luca, but maybe I could think of this as a warmup. A rehearsal before the big show where I may or may not get my heart broken. “I do. I like him.”
Arlo nudged me with his knee. “Good. That’s the only thing I care about. You guys will sort the rest out.”
My gaze drifted over to where Luca was sat with Kai.
All day it’d killed me to keep my distance, but every time I caught him looking at me, the email from Becky would dance in front of my eyes.
There was so much more at stake than just my job.
If I fucked up Identity’s reputation, there was a chance I’d never work in the industry again.
For once, Luca wasn’t looking my way. Instead, he scowled at the floor, his back tight as Kai spoke rapidly.
As usual, my path didn’t cross with Luca’s for the rest of the day. The closest I got to him was during the show, but even then, it was like I wasn’t there. When Luca’s performance brought him near me, his attention was fixed on his fans.
You’re overthinking things. He’s putting on a show for them, not you.
I almost had myself convinced until the opening chords of “Tease” thundered through the stadium. The crowd picked up their now-familiar chant.
Kneel. Kneel. Kneel.
And so he did.
At the opposite end of the stage from me.
I watched from a distance as he made eye contact with a beautiful blonde in the front row. Sucked a finger into his mouth and ran it down his bare chest. Made her squeal as he shot her a flirty wink.
It felt like I was trying to breathe underwater. Blood roared in my ears, blotting out the other sounds in the stadium. Nothing else existed except the sensual promise in Luca’s eyes. The heat of his smirk as he played the woman like a fiddle.
I could do nothing but watch as Luca made me question everything that had passed between us.
Next to me, Jack tensed. I could feel his gaze burning into the side of my face, but I didn’t look at him. I didn’t want to see the questions there.
Not when I didn’t have the answers.
It’s part of the act, I told myself as I sat in the car on the way back to the hotel.
I’d tried to find Luca after the show, but he’d had a queue of fans waiting for autographs.
One glimpse of the girl he’d been flirting with had me turning my back and deciding to get out of there.
Even if it was all fake, no part of me wanted to see Luca charming anyone else.
I was still stewing on it when Luca finally let himself into the suite several hours later.
His easy grin faded as he took in the glass of whisky in my hand. “Everything okay?”
“You tell me.” I sank the final inch of the amber liquid. “Have fun after the show?”
Luca halted a few steps away from me, raising an eyebrow. “Not really. Just the same bullshit as usual.”
Don’t say it. Just leave it. You’re being jealous and irrational.
“What about the girl?”
He tilted his head in puzzlement. “What girl?”
Fuck. I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Nothing. Forget it. I’m being a wanker.”
He prowled across the room, his fingers pinching my chin as he forced me to look up at him. “Were you jealous, Ollie?”
“No.”
“Really,” he drawled. “Then why do you look like you’re chewing glass?”
I shoved his hand away. “Just forget about it. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, I don’t think I will. Why were you jealous? You know full well you’re the one I’m coming back to every night.”
“Do I?”
Hurt flickered across Luca’s face. “I’ve made my feelings pretty clear, Ollie. You’re the one who keeps everything locked away in a vault more secure than fucking Fort Knox.”
I flinched as his comment hit home. “That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it?” Luca prowled closer, crowding my space. “I’m not the one spoiling for an argument. If you’re done with me, just say it. Don’t push me away.”
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
“Then why did you avoid me all day?”
“Because we’re not supposed to be seen together,” I exploded. “Jesus, Luca. It’s okay for you. Even if you piss off your management, you’ve got enough in the bank to get by. Don’t you get it? If I lose this job, I lose everything.”
“I told you to trust me. You don’t need to worry about your job, I promise.”
I gave a hollow laugh. “That’s just it though. You can’t promise me that. I’m the one putting it all on the line. Not you.”
A muscle jumped in his jaw. “I’m not putting anything on the line?”
“Not like I am.”
He turned away, stalking over to the minibar. He didn’t bother with a glass, just popped open the stupidly small bottle of vodka and necked it. Chucking it to the side, he braced his arms on the counter, his back to me. “Tell me, Ollie. Once this tour is done, what happens to us?”
A yawning pit opened in my stomach. I knew what I wanted, but did Luca want the same? Maybe I just needed to be brave. Put it all out there and find out where we stood. “We agreed this was just going to last while the tour di—”
“Right.” Luca cut me off before I could finish my sentence. “Well, seeing as you’re so worried about your career, maybe we should end this early.”
Or maybe we should talk about it. I’d like to keep seeing you.
That was what I’d been about to say. But Luca’s ready dismissal had the words crawling back down my throat. The walls around my heart slammed up.
See, the traitorous voice inside my head whispered. See what happens when you open yourself up?
I couldn’t just leave it like this. I opened my mouth to tell him I liked him. That I didn’t want this to end.
But to my horror, that was not what came out. “Is that what you want?”
He didn’t turn. Didn’t so much as look at me as he shredded my heart to pieces. “Yes. Maybe…maybe that’s for the best. I think you should leave.”
That pit grew wider, numbing my whole body. I wasn’t even here. I was watching this from several feet above my body, totally detached from what was happening.
Fight for him, my heart screamed.
But I’d had enough of listening to my heart.
Without another word, I grabbed my packed suitcase, thanking God I hadn’t had a chance to settle into the room yet. I paused at the door one final time, but Luca had his head turned away, his knuckles white as he leaned on the table.
I didn’t slam the door. That would be giving in to my emotions. To the desire to scream, rage, and plead.
If I’d opened those floodgates, I would’ve thrown myself at Luca’s feet and made a fool of myself.
No more.
Jack was positioned outside Luca’s door alongside Steve, the night guard. Normally Jack was gone by now, returning to his room to catch some kip. The sight of him there threw me off.
“Do you…?” My voice was gruff. I cleared my throat, aiming for normalcy. Pretending I wasn’t drowning in the fear that what we’d had was done. “Do you have a room key for me? Or should I go to reception?”
He held up a plain white rectangle, sympathy shining in his eyes. “I thought you might need this, so I grabbed it for you. Room 204.”
I swallowed my rising nausea, nodding my thanks. The fact Jack had known this was about to happen was beyond humiliating.
Maybe Luca is right, I told myself as I entered my own hotel room for the first time in weeks. Maybe it’s best we stop this before he really breaks my heart.
But as I lay on my bed, rubbing at the ache in my chest, I realised it was too late for that.
With nothing but the darkness as my witness, I closed my eyes and finally let the tears fall.
I’d fucked it up. I’d had my chance to tell Luca I wanted him. That I wanted everything.
And now it was too late.
It took approximately four hours of staring at the ceiling to figure out I was behaving like a pathetic idiot.
I’d replayed every interaction I’d had with Luca. Every word. Every kiss. Every touch.
You know what I realised?
Not a single one hinted that Luca planned to ditch me once the tour was done. To my horror, I realised that I’d been the one who’d assumed that. It was me who’d gone into this thinking we were on a time limit, not Luca.
No wonder he’d pushed me away. He ended things to protect himself.
That was something I couldn’t hold against him.
Once that realisation hit me, I knew what I had to do. I owed it to Luca…to myself, to be honest.
I didn’t bother getting dressed. Grabbing Luca’s room key, I left my room and jogged up the stairs to his floor.
Steve, the night guard, was positioned outside Luca’s room. His head snapped around, a small frown creasing his forehead. He pulled out his phone and tapped something out before sliding it back into his pocket.
That was odd. He didn’t normally bother to do more than nod at me if our paths crossed. Like Jack, Steve was well-aware that I was the one Luca spent every night with.
As I approached Luca’s door, Steve stepped forward, barring my way with his massive body. “Sorry, Mr Winters. I can’t let you go any further.”
I halted, my brows knitting together. “What do you mean? I have a key. I always spend the night with Luca.”
Sympathy and pity danced on Steve’s face. A door opened behind me, snapping Steve’s gaze in that direction.
I spun on my heel. Unease began to wend through my veins as Kevin joined us in the hallway. Since when was he roomed next door? He was normally on a different floor from the rest of the band.
“Hi, Ollie,” he said quietly, gesturing to his open door. “Why don’t you step into my room for a minute.”
I stared at him, the unease growing. “No, I think we should talk here.”
Kevin sighed, lifting his chin at Steve. I heard him shuffling back a bit, presumably giving us some space. “What’s going on?”
“I’m afraid Luca’s instructed us to remove your access to the room and for you to return home early.”
Blood thundered in my ears. “He’s what?”
Kevin winced. “I wish it wasn’t down to me to tell you this, but this is how Luca wants it.”
“Absolutely fucking not,” I seethed. “If Luca wants me to go, he can tell me himself.”
I spun on my heel, ready to bang on Luca’s door until he grew some balls and faced me. How dare he make Kevin do his dirty work?
Before I could take more than two steps, Steve was there. His face was flushed now, the quiet guy unable to meet my eyes. “Let me pass. Now.”
“Ollie, you don’t want to go in there.” Kevin’s tone was calm. Measured. “He’s not alone.”
Everything in me stilled as my world fell to pieces. “What?”
Kevin turned me to face him with a gentle tug on my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Ollie. I was hoping you wouldn’t come up here tonight so we could avoid this. But Luca has another man in there, someone he met backstage tonight. He called him up not long after you left.”
Bile rose in my throat. I closed my eyes. “No. Luca wouldn’t do that to me.”
“Didn’t he end it with you tonight?” Kevin asked gently. “Because that’s what he told me.”
The hallway seemed to tilt beneath my feet. “Yeah, but…it was an argument. I didn’t think…”
Didn’t think he’d replace me so quickly.
“I’m sorry, Ollie. I really am. This is why I didn’t want you getting too close to him. Every time this happens, Luca always leaves me to pick up the pieces.”
The words hit me like bullets. Every time.
I couldn’t believe I’d fallen for it. Couldn’t believe I’d thought what we’d had was special.
“Why don’t you return to your room and grab your stuff?” Kevin was still talking. “I’ve arranged for the jet to be on standby to take you home. Steve can drive you to the airport.”
I couldn’t process what Kevin was saying. Unable to think past what Luca was doing.
Doing with someone who wasn’t me.
Fuck, why did this keep happening to me? I rubbed my chest as a painful realisation hit me.
I’d rather have caught Suzie and Callum a thousand times over than just hearing about Luca and someone else once.
“Don’t worry about your job. I’ll smooth everything over with your boss.”
I almost laughed at that. For all the worrying I’d done about my career, suddenly, it didn’t seem that important.
Something told me that losing my place at Identity wouldn’t have been anywhere near as painful as this.
“None of this is your fault.” Kevin’s hand squeezed my shoulder, and my skin crawled under his touch. “This is what Luca always does. He doesn’t care about people. He uses them and discards them, never thinking of them again. It’s a game to him.”
I nodded, stepping sideways so Kevin was forced to release me. “I think I’ll take that ride to the airport now.”
Relief flashed over Kevin’s face. “Good. And I’m sorry, Ollie. Like I said, this isn’t on you.”
But as I stared unseeing at the city sights zipping past the car window, I knew Kevin was wrong. This was absolutely on me.
I’d been burned before. I should’ve known better. I’d known that going in, but I’d still thrown my bleeding heart at Luca’s feet.
So yes. This was on me. It was my fault.
I should’ve known better.