Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
SILAS
The first month
It took two weeks for the reality of Kai’s words to sink in.
Two weeks of unanswered calls.
Two weeks of not even a single text.
Hi. You’ve reached Kai. Please leave a message and—
I hung up. There was no point leaving another voicemail. What would I say that I hadn’t in the countless ones I’d already left him? I’d covered everything from ‘Sorry, I kissed you’ to ‘I can’t believe you left without saying goodbye.’
I let my phone drop on the bed beside me, my head falling into my hands. Kai had said he was leaving after the show, but I’d thought I’d at least get to speak to him. For us both to cool off and then talk.
But no. Kai had walked off stage and straight into a waiting car. Even Luca and Arlo had been taken aback.
Apparently, I wasn’t the only one he’d been keeping in the dark.
Unable to stop torturing myself, I grabbed my phone and went to my photos. I’d been obsessed with capturing as many images as possible since I’d gotten my first camera phone.
Kai’s face smiled out from pretty much every one.
I scrolled through them, trying to find evidence of when he’d started to get tired of me. When he’d decided he needed space from me. From us.
But there was nothing. Just Kai and me. The way it had always been.
You’re being ridiculous, the logical part of my brain pointed out. He’s a friend. It’s not like he’s broken up with you. Stop moping.
I was way beyond listening to the logic though. No amount of telling myself I was overreacting seemed to help. It didn’t make me feel any less lonely. Didn’t stop me from missing him. He’d been at my side for so long that it literally felt like I was missing a limb.
It’d be easier if he would at least text me to say he was okay. Didn’t he know I worried about him too?
I couldn’t even blame all this on the kiss. Not when Kai had obviously set the wheels in motion long before.
What had I done wrong? Or was it just what Kai said, that we needed to start living our own lives?
I stopped on an image of Kai’s last birthday.
We’d rushed home from a photo shoot in London so he could celebrate with his family.
The photo had been taken by his dad. Like me, he snapped as many memories as he could.
Even without him in the shot, I could remember how his face crinkled as he corralled us into the frame.
Mike’s hair was shot with silver now, laughter lines etched permanently on his face, a testament to his happy nature.
Kai was in the centre of the photo, grinning at the novelty cake shaped like a guitar that Mia held. She was a pastry chef at one of the top restaurants in Southampton. Quite apt, given how often Louis used to dump flour over her head.
The former troublemaker, now a well-respected tattoo artist, stood with his arm protectively around their mum’s shoulders.
She’d been given the all-clear many years ago, but it hadn’t stopped us worrying.
With Kai and me on tour more often than not, Louis had quietly stepped into the role his elder brother had once occupied.
It wasn’t as necessary now, what with their dad being retired and their siblings grown…
but still. He looked out for them while we were away.
Ruby was there too, leaning over Kai’s shoulder, cheeks ballooned as she prepared to blow out the candles before the birthday boy could.
They were my family too, stepping into the gaping void left by my own useless parents. His parents treated me like another son. His siblings like another brother.
Finally, unable to avoid it any longer, I focused on myself. I was where I always was. At Kai’s side. Joy radiated from me as I stared at my best friend’s face. He so often shied away from attention that I delighted in these moments where he was the one being celebrated.
Fuck, we looked so happy. What had happened to us? What had I done that was so bad he wouldn’t even take my calls?
My eyes landed on Ruby again. Aside from Kai, she was the one I was closest to. I’d watched her grow from a cheeky baby into an even cheekier adult.
I opened up my thread with her and typed a quick message.
You awake?
My phone immediately began to ring with a video call. I swiped to answer it, grinning when Ruby’s sleepy face filled the screen. “Hey, Rubes.”
Her hair was piled in a messy bun on the top of her head, her eyes blinking like an owl’s. She yawned so wide her jaw cracked. “Sorry, so tired.”
I gave her a sympathetic smile. “Just come off shift?”
“Yep.” Ruby worked as a nurse in the trauma unit at Southampton General. That was why I texted her first. She worked such long shifts that I didn’t want to risk waking her with a call. “But I’ve got four days off now.”
“Want me to go, and you call me back when you’ve slept?”
“No, it’s fine.” She tilted the phone to show me a mug of tea. “This’ll keep me going for a little while.”
I was burning to ask her about Kai, but I didn’t want Ruby to think that was the only reason I’d called. “How’s things?”
Ruby sipped from her mug, raising a thin eyebrow at me. “Is that really why you called?”
I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “How do you always see through me?”
“Blame it on being the youngest sibling,” she said. “Gotta have a fine-tuned bullshit metre to know when you’re being tricked, lied to, or played.”
“I really do want to know how you’re doing,” I grumbled. “I miss you, Rubes. All of you.”
Her face softened. “I know. We miss you too.”
There was a long pause before I spoke again. “Have you heard from him?”
Ruby’s eyes darted to the side like she didn’t want to look at me as she answered. “Yes. He’s been texting every day.”
It was like a punch to my stomach. So he wasn’t ignoring everyone.
Just me.
“How is he?”
Ruby shrugged. “I dunno. It’s Kai. Even if he was miserable, he wouldn’t say anything. He seems okay.”
“What do you mean?” I frowned. “Kai doesn’t hide when he’s hurting.”
Ruby took another sip of her tea as she studied me. “Really? So he explained exactly why he’s fucked off to the other side of the world during his break rather than spending time with his best friend and family?”
“No. But he did say it’s to do with me. Not you guys.”
“That I’m well aware of,” Ruby muttered. Before I could ask her what she meant by that, she spoke again. “Why’d you kiss him?”
I winced. “Didn’t realise you’d seen that.”
“Please. Even if I hadn’t been watching the livestream, I only would’ve had to open TikTok to have it shoved in my face. I’ll be honest, could’ve lived without seeing it.”
“Did the whole family see it?”
“Do you really want me to answer that?”
I groaned. “Fuck. Does everyone hate me now?”
Ruby’s eyebrow lifted again. “Why would we hate you?”
“Dunno. Seemed to be Kai’s reaction, so it’s not a massive leap to assume you all feel the same.”
“Kai doesn’t hate you.”
I swallowed hard around the sudden lump in my throat. “Well, it sure feels that way right now.”
She repeated her question from earlier. “Why’d you kiss him?”
I was about to tell her it was all a part of the act.
That I’d taken it a step too far. But then she raised that fucking eyebrow a notch higher, and I broke.
“Honestly? I’m not sure. His mouth was just right there.
He was singing that damn song about his broken heart and… I don’t know. It just felt…right.”
Ruby surveyed me for a minute, her nails tapping on her mug. Then her tone snapped into the one she saved for the ward.
I was in trouble now.
“Okay, tough love time. You’ve fucked up really badly, but it’s okay. You didn’t know, so none of us are actually mad at you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“How do you feel about my brother?”
“He’s my best friend.” That was easy to answer.
“And how do you think he feels about you?”
“I’m his best friend.” My voice trailed off. “At least…that’s what I thought.”
Ruby sighed, rubbing her forehead like she was getting a headache. “Okay, it’s not my place to say more. But what I will say is to think about how you feel when you’re around him. How you feel when he’s not there.”
“I don’t need to think about that. It’s only been two weeks, and I feel like I’m drowning.”
Ruby looked at me pointedly, making me wish this was a standard phone call. I could live without all the judgmental looks. “Do you think that’s how all best friends feel about each other?”
I scratched my head. “Well, no. But it’s different with us.”
“Exactly! It’s different.”
I stared at her, at a total loss of what she was getting at.
“Look, I need to get some sleep. But think about it, Si. Think about why it felt so right to kiss him. About how you can’t cope without him here.” She sighed. “I love you, Si. I do. But I can’t keep watching you hurt him. Figure out how you really feel about him and what you want.”
My jaw dropped open, unable to keep up with what she was saying.
“And do it fast before it’s too late. Because, trust me, you’ll be the one kicking yourself.”
The screen turned black as Ruby hung up. My stunned face was reflected back at me. I looked like someone had just turned my entire world on its head.
Apt, given that was what had happened.
The second month
A great thing about being a member of a world-famous rock band was that there were countless videos of you. Hours of your life were immortalised on the screen to revisit whenever you liked.
But this was also a fucking horrific thing.
Because, right now, I couldn’t stop watching them. Endless clips of me on stage. In interviews. Entering and leaving events.
Kai was by my side in all of them.
The worst were the ones on stage. Suddenly, I was watching us dance in a whole new light. How I lit up whenever Kai approached. How easily I ran my hands all over him.
That smile on my face as I leaned my chin on his shoulder. It wasn’t one I was used to seeing there.
I looked fucking content.
There were so many times when our lips came close. So many shows where a mere gust of wind might’ve been enough to send us crashing together.