Chapter 11 #3
I rubbed my chest. “I can’t imagine going on like this, Arlo. It fucking hurts.”
Arlo’s gaze drifted over to our guards. “I know it feels like that now, but you can. Even if it feels impossible, you’ll get through it.”
I studied our drummer. Just how much pain was he hiding from us?
Caffeine Daydreams might be a huge success, but if we didn’t start dealing with our shit, we would collapse at the seams.
My laptop was open to my preferred porn site. A bottle of lube sat beside it.
All I needed to do was click on the right category.
But I couldn’t seem to do it.
And not for the reasons you might think. Not because I was worried about finding that it did turn me on.
Because I was scared it wouldn’t.
I wasn’t saying I wanted to leap into a full-on relationship with Kai. Of course I wasn’t. To be honest, I hadn’t even thought that far ahead.
But I knew without question that I didn’t want this space between us to last. I couldn’t go on hurting Kai, even if it was unintentional.
Arlo was right. I needed to use this time to figure out what I wanted. If what he was hinting at was true—if Kai wanted to be with me in a way that was far from platonic—I needed to decide what I wanted.
Because if I didn’t want Kai in the same way he wanted me…I needed to back away.
Even if it might kill me.
Judging by the kiss we’d shared, all signs pointed to yes. The increasingly sexual dreams I’d had about him were also a massive tick in that column.
I had to know though. Taking a deep breath, I moved the cursor to the categories section and changed it from ‘All’ to ‘Gay.’
The new page loaded, and I was almost instantly bombarded with various options. Group. Public. Bears. Twinks. Daddy.
Thanks to my other bandmates, I knew enough to understand what I was looking at. But where did I even start?
I scrolled through the endless thumbnails, my knee bouncing under the table. Should I watch someone going at it solo? Or was it better to find a couple?
This wasn’t going to work. I was overthinking it too much. I was about to close the screen when my attention caught on one particular image. Two men locked in a passionate embrace.
Two men…who strongly resembled Kai and me.
Taking a deep breath, I clicked on it.
The scene opened with the men furiously making out.
There was no build-up, no clumsy attempt at a storyline.
The Kai lookalike had the blond guy pushed up against the wall.
One of his hands was between them. The camera angle was a bit awkward, but from how his arm muscles flexed, I knew what he was doing.
Fuck, I thought as my cock hardened rapidly. Eyes glued to the screen, I lubed my hand and wrapped it around my shaft.
“You gonna take my cock, baby?” Not-Kai murmured.
“Yes.” I found myself moaning along with the bloke on the screen.
Suddenly, I didn’t need to pay any attention to them.
My imagination was supplying me with a hot and heavy reel of exactly how Kai might tackle me to the bed.
How his big hands would spread my legs wide.
Would I feel embarrassed, having someone look at the most intimate parts of me with such intensity?
Maybe with someone else. But with Kai? The thought alone had my cock leaking precum.
“That’s it, baby, bear down for me.”
My eyes flew open just as the Kai lookalike pushed inside the other guy. But it wasn’t him I was paying attention to. It was the Silas doppelg?nger. He didn’t wince or try to wriggle away. No, his eyes rolled back in his head and the filthiest moan I’d ever heard spilt from his lips.
“That’s it,” the top praised as he bottomed out. He gave his partner a second to adjust before pulling out slightly and then slamming back in. “Fuck, you feel so good.”
My hand flew over my cock faster.
“Harder,” Not-Silas grunted. The other guy complied, fucking him so hard that the bedframe banged against the wall.
Having only been with women, I hadn’t considered how it must feel to have someone rail you like that.
That wasn’t to say I hadn’t had anyone touch me down there.
A few women I’d been with had been game to do some exploring.
It’d always felt good, but I hadn’t considered putting anything bigger than a finger up there.
Judging by the whimpers and moans coming from the bottom, I’d been missing out.
Not-Kai wrapped his hand around his partner’s cock, stroking him furiously. Was that what Kai did with men? Did he make sure they fell over the edge first?
Fuck, I was so sure he did. I imagined him walking in right now and seeing what I was doing. He’d shove my hand away, growling into my ear before taking me in his grip and…
White liquid filled my hand as my orgasm whipped through me. I rode out the waves, imagining Kai beside me, coaxing me through it.
When it was over, I closed the laptop screen and stared at the mess in my hand.
Well. That was one question answered.
The only thing to figure out now is what I would do with that information.
The fourth month
My yell reverberated from the walls.
The fear leeched from my nightmares, chasing me awake. I was standing beside my bed with no recollection of how I got there. My pillows were on the floor and my duvet was kicked from the end of the bed.
I pressed a hand to my chest, willing my heart to slow.
It’s just a dream. He’s not here. He can’t hurt you.
Dropping to the floor beside my bed, I reached for my phone. Like I had a thousand times before on nights like these, I opened my contacts and hovered over Kai’s name.
But what was the point? Kai also wasn’t here. And he wasn’t taking my calls.
I rubbed my hand over my face, forcing my fear and sorrow down. I was being selfish, expecting Kai to keep picking up my shattered pieces.
It was probably why he’d left in the first place.
But everything was going to change when he got home. I planned on being at the airport to meet him. I had no idea if what Ruby and Arlo had hinted at was true, but if it was…
If it was? Well, I wouldn’t let Kai walk away from me again. Sometime over the years, I’d stopped looking at Kai as a friend and started seeing him as something…more. And given how I’d almost worked my dick raw with various fantasies, that more was far from platonic.
I would make sure he knew how much he meant to me. That I’d always be his best friend, regardless.
But I was also open to exploring things if that was what he wanted.
Knowing sleep was impossible, I took my phone into the living room. I poured some rum into a glass, imagining how Kai would roll his eyes over my choice to drink it neat.
Kai. I missed him so much. I hadn’t realised quite how deep his roots wove with mine until they were suddenly ripped away.
Deciding to torture myself, I sat on the sofa and opened Instagram. Kai’s handle was the only one in my search bar. During tours and recordings, our social media was in the hands of our assistants.
Luca and Arlo never bothered to take control back during our downtime, but Kai and I always had. We liked to share the more personal side of our lives with our fans. Not the intimate details but funny snapshots of our everyday lives.
Never in a million years had I imagined it was a place I’d be relegated to where Kai was concerned. Waiting on tenterhooks for a new picture, along with a few million fans.
Well, they could all get in line. Kai had been mine first.
The few photos he’d uploaded from Mexico had been bittersweet. A frosted margarita glass on a table. Sunset over the ocean. I was thirsting for these glimpses of his life like a dying man.
His profile loaded and the glass slipped from my hand.
It shattered as it hit the floor, liquid hitting my foot.
I didn’t move. Didn’t react.
Just stared at Kai.
Kissing another man.
Moreover, he was a man I recognised…even if we’d never met.
Tristan Wells. Hollywood’s latest sweetheart and star of fuck even knew how many movies.
Hands trembling, I scrolled to read the caption.
When new places introduce you to new people. Forever grateful to have met you, Trist.
My heart fell right alongside the glass on the floor.
Arlo and Ruby were wrong. Kai hadn’t run away because he was grappling with feelings for me. Not when he’d replaced me so fast.
I couldn’t give up hope though. Not yet.
I typed a message to Kai.
Three words.
One question.
Is it true?