Chapter 13 Silas
Chapter Thirteen
SILAS
It was funny how I’d spent years making a living playing songs about heartbreak. About the horrific moment of realisation where you discover the future you’ve been building in your mind doesn’t exist.
Until I’d seen Kai stroll out of Arrivals at Heathrow, Tristan tucked protectively under his arm, I hadn’t understood it. Hadn’t understood the severity of what it would mean for me.
A split-second revelation that changes everything you thought you knew.
I’d watched from a distance, not wanting to get caught by the paps. I didn’t know what I said to Rhys and Dylan, only that they’d left me alone to weave through the crowd and help Kai and Tristan.
I must’ve left. Must’ve ordered an Uber home.
The final text that I’d sent to Kai was all I could think about.
Is it true?
Well, now I had my answer.
Even so…I hadn’t expected Kai to bring him today. Our initial planning sessions had always just been for us. Okay, so Ollie was here, but things were serious between him and Luca.
Was Kai just as serious about Tristan?
Suddenly, it slammed home that Tristan was standing in front of me, waiting to shake my hand. His welcoming smile had slipped into uncertainty as his hand started to drop.
Over his shoulder, Kai was frozen. His hand was raised in mid-air—to pull Tristan back? Or was he reaching for me?
I met his eyes over Tristan’s shoulder. What was I seeing there? I’d always thought I’d been able to read my best friend so well. Before, I would’ve thought he was anxious. Or uncertain, maybe.
Now? I had no idea what to believe.
Belatedly, I realised Tristan was still waiting for me to greet him. I slid him a charming smile, wrapping his smaller hand in my own. “Welcome, Tristan. Any friend of Kai’s is a friend of mine.”
Tristan’s eyes widened slightly like he hadn’t expected such a cordial greeting. Then they narrowed as the subtle layering of my statement sank in.
That’s right. He was mine first.
Easing my hand back, I fell silent, waiting for Kai’s next move. Again, I was caught in this dichotomy of before versus now.
Before, I would’ve bear-hugged the shit out of him before sitting him down and demanding every minute detail about his trip. And that was just when we were separated for a day.
Now…now I didn’t know what to do.
And that fucking scared me. I’d thought Kai would come home and we’d be able to slip back into how we were before. That maybe I’d be brave enough to confess the thoughts and fantasies that had kept me company in his absence. To question him about what Arlo and Ruby had hinted at.
To ask him if it was true.
Instead, I had to watch as his boyfriend claimed my place at his side. As he wrapped his arm around his waist and gave him a sickeningly sweet smile. “Okay, babe?”
I gritted my teeth at the endearment. It felt so false coming from Tristan’s lips.
It’d feel real coming from mine.
Kai draped his arm over his shoulder and gave him a soft smile. My stomach clenched. It was the one he normally reserved for me. “All good.”
There was an awkward pause before Luca clapped his hands together. “Okay, let’s head on out back before Ollie burns everything.”
My eyes followed Kai as he followed Luca to the garden. His arm didn’t leave Tristan’s shoulders.
He hadn’t even said hello.
Numbness was pricking all over my skin, my arms hanging by my side. When had things reached this stage between us?
Had I lost Kai in every way possible?
My heart felt like it was cracking in two. Maybe I should just leave. If Kai felt so uncomfortable around me that he couldn’t even greet me, perhaps I shouldn’t be here.
Maybe this was the beginning of the end.
Oh, who was I kidding? That had happened the second I’d kissed him in front of ninety thousand fans.
A hand touched my arm, and I jumped out of my skin. “Fuck!”
“Sorry,” Arlo said. I’d forgotten I wasn’t alone. “You okay, Si?”
I started to smile before shaking my head and exhaling. “No. I’m fucking not.”
“We didn’t know he was bringing him.”
“Why would you?” I asked bitterly. “Looks like Kai is keeping lots of secrets these days.”
Arlo’s brow puckered. “I dunno. Something about it seems…off.”
Tristan’s perfect laugh filtered through the air. I glared in the direction it came from. “They seem pretty happy to me.”
I could feel Arlo’s gaze burning into the side of my face. “And you’re happy for them, yes?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
Arlo huffed a laugh. “Oh, I dunno. Could be the fact I thought for a second you were gonna punch Tristan in the face. Or maybe it’s how you’re glaring at the kitchen like you’re about to commit second-degree murder.”
“Second-degree?”
“Crime of passion,” Arlo elaborated.
I folded my arms over my chest. “That implies there’s passion involved.”
“You telling me there’s not?”
I spun to face Arlo helplessly. “I…I don’t fucking know. Okay? All I do know is that I took your stupid fucking advice, and now I can’t stop picturing me and Kai—”
Arlo winced. “Nope. Don’t need the details.”
I slumped back against the wall. “This is all your fault. Yours and Ruby’s. If you hadn’t opened your mouths, maybe I never would’ve realised. Now I want Kai, and I can’t fucking have him.”
Arlo leaned against the wall next to me. “And how does that make you feel?”
“Fucking hopeless,” I said hollowly. “Like someone has removed my heart and is using it for a punching bag.”
“Okay, I’m going to say two things, then I’m done interfering. You’ll have to sort the rest of this bullshit out yourselves.”
Another round of laughter burst from the kitchen, Kai’s deep rumble joining the others’.
Fuck how I’d missed that. I gestured for Arlo to tell me his ‘advice’.
I’d listen, then I was going home. If Tristan was the one Kai wanted to be with, I needed to get on board with the idea before we lost all semblance of our friendship.
I needed to have Kai in my life, one way or another.
But not today. Today, I was going to go home and drown my sorrows in a bottle of Lagavulin.
“Number one,” Arlo began. “How you’re feeling right now…imagine that over decades. How might that make you behave?”
I stiffened. Wait, was Arlo suggesting…
“And number two,” he went on before I could interrupt and get some clarification. “If you feel that way about Kai, are you really going to let some little upstart twink snake your man away from you?”
“I’m not about destroying relationships,” I muttered. “If Tristan is who Kai wants, I need to get on board with it. I can’t lose him entirely.”
“And you won’t. But what if Tristan isn’t who Kai wants? What if there’s still a chance that someone else has his heart?”
It was like someone had lit a match inside me. It started as a tiny ember before flaring into an almost uncontrollable flame of hope. “Then I’m going to fight for him. If I’m what Kai wants…I’m gonna make damn sure he knows I’m an option.”
“Atta boy,” Arlo said, punching me in the arm with a grin. “Think you can wait out Tristan?”
I nodded slowly. “Yep. If Kai is serious about him, I’m not going to fuck that up. I can wait for the relationship to run its course. But if this ends up with Kai walking him down the fucking aisle…well, let’s just say that you’ll be picking up the pieces.”
“If that happens, I’ll fly you to Vegas and get you so drunk you’ll forget your own name.”
“You hate Vegas.”
Arlo gestured for us to go and join the others. “That’s how confident I am that it won’t happen.”
“Hmm.” I followed Arlo out of the hall. After our little chat, I wasn’t so inclined to leave. No, I wanted to see Kai and Tristan together. To see if he really did make my best friend happy.
Because if he did…? Well. I was going to have to find a way to be okay with that.
One thing was certain, I wasn’t putting up with Kai pushing me away. He’d had sixteen painful weeks of space already.
If he wanted that space to be permanent, he would have to strap on a pair and tell me.
And ready himself for a fight. There was no fucking way I was letting him walk away from us until I’d exhausted all possible options.
I stepped into the kitchen and immediately sought him out. He was leaning against the counter, a beer in his hand. His gaze snagged on me immediately, the bottle hovering in mid-air, several inches from his lips.
I didn’t need to force a smile to my face. I looked at my best friend, and I swear, I fucking lit up. “Can’t believe you slipped past without a hug.”
Kai’s eyes cut away from mine as he put his untouched beer on the side. Tristan broke away from where he’d been chatting to Ollie, moving towards Kai.
Yeah, no. I wasn’t letting this little shit come between us. It was a hug, for fuck’s sake.
My height gave me the advantage over Tristan as I made my way around the table to Kai before he’d even taken three steps.
Kai’s solemn brown eyes met mine, and I almost faltered. There was a fear there I hadn’t seen before, an uncertainty that almost had me turning back.
But then he lifted his arms, and I knew nothing could stop me.
I crashed into his embrace, winding one arm around his middle and the other over his shoulders. My hands fisted in his shirt as I held him close.
Turning my head to the side, I breathed in his familiar scent. Being slightly shorter than him, my face was level with his neck. Suddenly, all the frustrations and confusion of the past few months faded. So long as Kai was in my arms, everything made sense.
I couldn’t lose him.
Kai’s arms were wrapped just as tightly around me. His chest expanded against my own, rising and falling rapidly.
“Missed you,” I whispered in a choked voice.
At my words, Kai drew in a sharp breath and let me go.
I wasn’t even near ready to release him, but there was little I could do. I stepped back reluctantly, swallowing hard around the lump in my throat.
Tristan swept into my place like he was claiming his prize. “I’m just so happy to meet you all.”
The only thing that kept me sane was the fact Kai hadn’t moved. Hadn’t even acknowledged the man practically burrowing into his chest. He was staring at me like he’d seen a ghost.
I didn’t drop his stare, lifting my chin defiantly. If Kai thought I’d let this go, let us go, he didn’t know anything about me.
“It’s good to see you,” he said finally, his eyes lingering on me for a moment longer before he seemed to remember we weren’t alone. “All of you. Four months was too long.”
“Damn right, it was,” I muttered, grabbing a beer from Luca’s fridge. Thankfully, we were well past standing on ceremony in this group. I spent more time in the other bandmate’s homes than my own.
Technically, I used to spend all my time in Kai’s home. But hey, times had changed. Not for long, though, not if I got my way.
Ollie announced the food was ready and everyone swarmed to the door. Taking it in turns to use the umbrella, we dashed over to the barbecue and grabbed our food before passing it to the next person.
I glowered through the kitchen window as I watched Kai hold the umbrella over Tristan in a gentlemanly fashion.
How many times had he done that for me and I never appreciated it?
The bite of burger I’d just swallowed turned to stone in my stomach. Maybe that was Kai’s problem. He’d spent decades looking after me.
What thanks had I given him?
I didn’t get a chance to talk to Kai for several hours.
Tristan was apparently the most devoted boyfriend on earth, not slipping from his side for even a second.
Whenever I tried to draw Kai into conversation, Tristan would interject himself and change the topic to some funny story about their filming.
There was no discussion about the upcoming album.
Everyone was too enamoured with the stranger in our midst to remember why we were there.
After a while, I gave up trying to catch Kai’s attention. Instead, I grabbed myself another beer and sat at the kitchen counter.
The others had all commented on how I hadn’t noticed what was really happening. That I wasn’t paying attention.
But I was paying attention now.
I watched. And I watched closely.
And the more I watched, the more I began to hope.
For as much as they played the role of a couple in love, there was no heat. When Tristan looked at Kai, it was with worry in his eyes.
And Kai? He couldn’t stop looking at me.
Was it because he’d missed me too? Or was he wondering how to make this space between us permanent?
I caught his eye as I drained my beer. I swear, his eyes dropped to track my throat as I swallowed.
I put the bottle on the side and shot him a wink.
Kai ducked his head and cleared his throat.
Oh yeah. I had hope. Just a drop.
That was all I fucking needed.