Chapter 14 Kai
Chapter Fourteen
KAI
My music was still playing in my headphones as I let myself into my house after my run. Heading straight to my fridge, I grabbed a bottle of water and drained it in a few gulps.
Thirst slaked, I stared out the window. It overlooked my lavish garden. It was way too much for just me, but when I’d been looking at houses, Silas had fallen in love with it.
No, I didn’t live with Silas. Yes, I’d taken him with me to view every house before making a decision.
I’d never pretended we had a healthy relationship.
When we’d viewed this house, the garden had been nothing more than an overgrown tumble of weeds and abandoned blocks of rubble from the house renovation.
I hadn’t been sure, but Silas had been the one to see its potential.
He’d strolled through the stinging nettles, oblivious to the welts they left behind, raving about things like space, south-facing, and patio.
In truth, I hadn’t been able to even get a glimpse of what he was suggesting. He’d been so enthusiastic, so damned bright, that I didn’t even try.
I just bought the house.
Fortunately, I hadn’t had to put Silas’s plans into action. He’d turned up the day I picked up the keys with his car loaded with tools.
With his guidance and my willingness to do anything he asked, we’d transformed the space from a weed-filled wasteland to an oasis.
The luscious lawn was broken up by winding paths.
Plants filled the borders with small water features hidden here and there.
A massive patio stretched out from the back door, a space where Silas and I liked to entertain during the summer.
But my favourite spot was the hammocks. Hanging between the trees, it was where Silas and I had whiled away many an hour under the night’s sky.
Was it any wonder I couldn’t get over him? Silas’s thread was the constant colour through the tapestry of my life. We were woven so tightly together that there was no separating us.
Not unless the tapestry was burned. Was that something I really wanted to do?
I thought back to Silas’s odd behaviour yesterday. How closely he’d watched me with Tristan. The way he’d seemed to breathe me in when we hugged.
Fuck, it had almost killed me to act so cool with him. All I’d wanted to do was drag him somewhere private where we could hold each other without the curious eyes. I wanted to tell him about my travels before demanding every tiny detail about what he had been up to.
I wanted to fall to my knees to beg his forgiveness for my radio silence. Tell him how much it hurt me to put that distance between us. How I regretted it. How I wished I could take the last four months back.
But whenever I’d felt myself begin to crack, Tristan would be there. A cautioning look, a gentle touch, whatever he needed to do to remind me why I was doing this.
I was so glad he’d been there. Without him, I would’ve been right back where I’d started. What would have been the point of going through all this bullshit if nothing changed?
Movement flickered in the corner of my eye. The empty water bottle fell from my hand as I jumped. I ripped my headphones out as I glared at the intruder. “For fuck’s sake, Si. You scared the life out of me.”
“Sorry,” Silas chirped, looking anything but. “To be fair, I said hello. Not my fault you still had your headphones in.”
I grabbed the bottle from the floor before chucking it into the recycling. I used the time to adjust to Silas being in my house.
Mostly naked.
“Why are you in a towel?” I asked, keeping my back to him.
“Water pressure is better here,” he said, reaching past me to grab an apple from the bowl. I shivered as his bare arm brushed against mine. “Plus, you’ve always got the healthy shit stocked.”
My lips twitched despite myself as I turned to face him. “Healthy shit…you mean fruit?”
He crunched into the apple and shot me a wink, just like yesterday.
And, just like yesterday, my cock got excited and started to stiffen. Which was not a good thing, given I was wearing athletic shorts.
Oh, and also because I wasn’t supposed to be getting hard-ons over my best friend. A message my dick had yet to receive.
It didn’t help that water dripped down his hairless chest, circling one of his nipples like it was begging me to taste it. I didn’t look further south.
That was a fucking lie. Of course I did. Not that it mattered. I’d seen Silas naked so many times that I had no trouble picturing how he looked under that towel.
Just another inadvertent way Silas had tortured me over the years. He’d never thought twice about stripping in front of me.
To be fair, he didn’t know how I felt about him. And in my defence, I tried very fucking hard not to look.
But I was only human.
I shifted against the counter, arranging my legs to hopefully hide the effect Silas had on me. It was something I was well-practised at. “So you came over, realised I wasn’t here, and just decided to have a shower?”
“Yep,” Silas replied, biting another hunk of apple. “Why is that weird? We lived together for years. It’s not the first time I’ve used your shower.”
That was true. I searched my mind for a response less unhinged than you shouldn’t do that because I’m dying to strip that towel off and fuck you over the counter. Thankfully, my brain supplied me with a saner response. “I have a boyfriend now. You can’t be doing stuff like this anymore.”
Silas didn’t look away from me as he swallowed his final bite of apple. He moved to put the core in the bin and ended up only inches from me. “What stuff? Behaving like we always have?”
I was so fucking torn. Half of me wanted to haul him against me, while the other half screamed at me that I would just get my heart broken. Again. “It’s not normal, Si. Surely you can see that?”
He didn’t answer me. “Where’s your boyfriend? If you’re so close, why isn’t he staying here?”
Shit. How was I supposed to answer that? “He needs his own space.”
“Right…and there wasn’t enough here? In your seven-bed house?”
I winced. In truth, I had pushed Tristan to stay here, but he’d explained his anxiety was much easier to manage in a familiar hotel environment. “It’s still new between us.”
“Still new, but serious enough to bring him home to introduce him to your friends.”
The edge of hurt in his voice had my defences threatening to crumble. I stood firm though. “Yes.”
He stepped closer, his chest almost brushing against my own. “And that’s what you want? For us to not be like we were before?”
No. That was what my heart was screaming. It hammered the bars of the cage my brain had put around it, begging for any scraps of Silas’s attention.
But I’d given up letting my heart rule me. It never learned.
“That’s right.” I couldn’t look him in the eye. I settled for a spot over his shoulder. “You’re my best friend, Silas. That’ll never change. But we can’t…”
“Can’t what?” His hand came up to catch my chin. He forced me to look at him. To see the determination in his eyes. The hurt. The hope. “What can’t we do? What can’t we be to each other now that Tristan is in the picture?”
It hit me then, exactly why he was behaving like this.
He was afraid. Of losing me. Our friendship.
“You’re jealous,” I said in disbelief.
“So what if I am?” He still hadn’t let go of my face. “You going to tell me I shouldn’t be?”
I shoved his hand away and shouldered past him. My voice was rough as I spoke nothing but the truth. “He’s not replacing you, Silas. You’re still my best friend.”
His breath ghosted against the back of my neck. “Is that what we are to each other? Friends?”
I spun around, confusion making my temper climb. “Of course! What else would we be?”
“What about that kiss then? What do you call that?”
It was the one thing he could say to remind me of what I had to lose. I threw his words back at him. The careless statement that had shredded me deeply and haunted me during our time apart. “Part of the act. That’s all that ever was.”
Shadows flickered over his eyes. For a heartbeat, I wondered who this man was. My Silas had never looked at me like this before. Like he was a breath away from shutting me up with his mouth or fist.
It would be the latter. I locked the cage tighter, refusing to contemplate anything else.
Then he stepped back, his usual grin returning. But there was an edge to it, something I didn’t recognise. “The act. Of course.”
He gave me a mock salute before disappearing in the direction of his bedroom.
Yes, he had his own bedroom here. Right next to my own. It was another reminder of the boundaries I’d failed to put between us.
By the time he returned, thankfully fully dressed, I’d made us both a coffee. For a second, I’d considered putting his in a travel mug. Even Silas wouldn’t be able to miss the hint that he should be on his way.
But when my hand snaked up to grab it, it returned with one of my standard ceramic ones.
No, not a standard one. The one with an image of a sloth that was reserved for Silas alone.
Silas was humming a tune as he reached for his mug. I braced myself as he took that first sip, knowing exactly what was coming.
The moan Silas gave was always indecent enough to have my blood rerouting itself. “God, that’s good. I’ve missed your coffee.”
I distracted myself by focusing on my own mug. “You have no less than four coffee shops within a five-minute walk of your house.”
“But none of them come with the side of scintillating conversation you provide.”
I grunted, trying hard not to smile. I was not known for my words, something Silas had never minded.
Why would he when he could talk enough for the both of us?
Like he could read my mind, Silas settled onto a stool at the island and launched into a story about a dinner he’d had with Ollie and Luca.
As I took the stool opposite, I flashed back to the countless times we’d sat like this. From that first kitchen table at my parents’ house on the estate to our shitty shared flat at Uni to an endless parade of hotel rooms in all corners of the world.
It was how we started our day. How we always had. Even during these past few years when we’d lived apart, it had been rare for a day to go past without one of us encroaching on the other’s space for our morning pick-me-up.
The only times we missed them was if Silas still had…company. Not that that happened often. Sure, he fucked a different woman every night on tour. But he rarely invited them to spend the night.
And as for me? That had never happened. I wish I could say it was because of some weird attitude towards commitment, as it seemed to be for Silas, but that would be a lie.
It was far unhealthier than that. I never let anyone else stay in case my phone rang in the middle of the night. If Silas needed me, I knew I’d go running. How the fuck would I explain that to someone? That I was leaving the bed they were in to go hold another man.
But you did leave him, my brain helpfully pointed out. Think how many nights Silas has suffered through without you.
I spun my mug slowly as I listened to Silas jump from one story straight into another. No, Silas would’ve called me. Even if I’d ghosted him, he had to know I’d answer a call in the dead of night.
It was the exception to the rule I’d set. I was protecting myself by going no contact during the day.
But if Silas had needed me at night? That wasn’t about me. It was about him.
And I wouldn’t have let him suffer alone. Not through that. It could be ten years down the line. I could be happily married and snuggled up in bed with my husband.
Yet I knew that if my phone rang at two a.m., Silas’s name on the screen, I’d go running. Can’t imagine what my future spouse might think about that…but that was a bridge I could cross later.
Silence tapped at my ears, and I realised belatedly that Silas had stopped talking. That look was back in his eyes as he studied me. That one I didn’t recognise.
“You ready to actually talk yet?”
I felt my cheeks heat. He didn’t need to elaborate. I knew what he was asking.
Why had I run? Why had I ghosted him?
I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t think I ever would be.
I couldn’t look Silas in the face as I shook my head. This was it, the moment he’d walk away from our friendship. I wouldn’t blame him. He wasn’t the one who’d broken us.
That was all on me.
I stared sightlessly into my mug, waiting for the inevitable.
But it never came.
“Okay,” Silas said, his voice strained. “We’ll put a pin in it. For now.”
I closed my eyes. Tell him. Tell him you’ll never be ready. That you need space from him because your fucking heart is breaking. Tell him it’s not his fault, but it’s for the best.
The words never came. I stayed silent like the fucking coward I was. And when Silas offered me an olive branch by asking me about filming, I grabbed it like the lifeline it was.
Because I knew I was fucked.
I couldn’t give Silas up completely. It was like asking me to give up air. I had given him up for four months and almost asphyxiated.
So, as I gave him all the mundane details of my trip, taking care to avoid mentions of Tristan, I changed tact.
I’d thought I’d known heartbreak before where Silas was concerned, but none of that compared to the physical agony of not having him in my life at all.
I was going to have Silas as my best friend again. Nothing more. Nothing less.
And I was going to be okay with that.
I was.