TWENTY-SIX
Lincoln
Four Months Ago
Regret was a hard pill to swallow. Followed by guilt, it made it damn near impossible to keep down. But that was what was keeping me up at night.
The past week had been absolute hell.
I lost the respect of my team, lost the respect of my coach, damn near lost a relationship with my sister, and…I lost my girlfriend.
That one may be the worst of all.
I’d shown up the morning after we fought, ready to apologize, to get on my knees and beg her to forgive me, to understand why I’d been so upset, only for Vic to answer the door and send a glare my way.
I thought Cassie had told them everything.
Until she informed me that my sister wanted nothing to do with me and slammed the door in my face.
That hurt. I knew my sister was pissed, and looking back, I overreacted.
Hurt feelings will do that to a man.
Then, I came in to talk to Coach, to figure out where they were at, to see if he was serious, and he was. They were so serious that they were planning to move because the director of the team found out everything about Coach and his relationship with my sister—who is also a student here—and threatened to take his job away.
That had been the final straw for me. I couldn’t allow that to happen, and even though I never told the staff, I felt somewhat responsible for his current situation.
Which was why, right before his last game, I told the team what was going on, and, like I thought, they were all for sticking up for Coach.
“You sure about this? They could cancel the game,” Crew said to me under his breath, eagerly awaiting the appearance of Ed Brown, director of the hockey team. Crew’s eyes kept darting to the door.
“Yeah, then what are we going to do? It’ll ruin our careers,” Connor Bedford, left defenseman and all-around party boy, chimed in, picking up on the conversation.
“So what? They’re willing to ruin Coach’s career because he’s with my sister. How is that fair?”
Crew frowned and shook his head. “I still don’t see what the problem is. Mick is like twenty-four.”
I shrugged. “Public image.” That was all I said, and we continued to wait in tense silence.
Ed then came in, and I told him what was going on when we didn’t suit up, watching as his face reddened in anger until it damn near popped.
“You’ll get your gear on,” he said, pointing a very non-threatening finger at us. Or specifically, me. “And get your asses on that ice, or I’ll bench every last one of you.”
I could feel the unease of my teammates around me, but no one moved a muscle. I called Ed’s bluff. If no one got dressed, if no one played, that hurt his reputation more than anyone’s.
Then Tanner walked in, looking flustered at what was going on when Ed explained what we were doing. I saw a sliver of respect shine in his eyes when he finally understood, and I realized that was all I wanted from him.
I knew it would take me some time to get used to him with Mick, but I didn’t want to have a coach that had no respect for me either.
“Okay,” Tanner started with a sigh, looking us over. “Guys, while I appreciate the support, I made my choice. This is in no way a reflection of you as a team. You have what it takes to go all the way, don’t ruin your chances by trying to be honorable.”
“We know, Coach,” I started, nodding my head. “However, we don’t want to play without you as our coach.”
Tanner looked at me, then the rest of the guys, clearly conflicted. “Look.” He blew out a breath, rubbing his jaw. “Maybe it’s a hard situation to understand. Hell, I don’t know what you even know.”
Connor piped up, telling him we knew all about my sister and his relationship.
Then, when it looked like neither Tanner nor the director knew what to do, I pulled out the paperwork that clearly stated Tanner and Mick didn’t break any rules.
I swore Tanner was going to lay Ed out right then and there when he found out the school’s issue was really with how it looked for them, rather than something that was explicitly against any rules.
We go back and forth for several minutes, Ed trying to bury the leads and me throwing them right back in his face. I used to have some respect for this man in front of me, but the way he was acting was sketchy and made me want to take care of the situation right then and there.
I held back, making sure Ed confirmed all that I asked him to before we got it all straightened out again.
Tanner pulled me to the side and shook my hand. “I appreciate what you did here today, Ellis.” I opened my mouth to talk, but then he said, “I hope you can make it up to your sister, because if you don’t, we’re still going to have problems.”
I nodded my head, thinking over said plan, and said, “I understand. I have a plan that I hope makes her see that I approve of you both, so long as she’s happy.”
He nodded and headed off to get ready for the game while I did the same thing.
For the first time in my life, my stomach was a knot of anxiety while I got my gear on and mentally prepared for the game.
I knew Cassie was coming because my mom told me so. According to her, Cassie and Vic wouldn’t let Mick come alone because they all thought this was the last game Tanner was coaching.
They told me all of this when I’d gone to their house the night before to apologize for how I acted and see if they could assist me tonight to get Mick to cooperate.
I hoped that seeing what I was doing would get Cassie to talk to me again. It’d been hell these past couple of weeks without being able to talk to her.
I tried. I called, texted, and waited outside her classes. Still, she wouldn’t even look at me when I called out to her.
Chasing her felt like borderline stalking, and so I watched as she walked right past me and out of my life.
I was damn determined to pull her back into it again.
Out on the ice, warm-ups fly by with ease, my brain clicking into hockey mode and my body falling into rhythm without much effort.
My gaze would skip over to the seats where Mick usually sat every few moments, knowing that eventually I was going to look up there and see a blonde head of hair occupying them, and if I wasn’t careful, I was going to trip over my skates the second I saw her.
It wasn’t long that I had to wait, though. About ten minutes into warm-ups, my family arrived as a unit, and Cassie was right along with them, her gaze focused on helping my mom not trip over the stairs, making me fall in love with her all over again.
I wished I had said it. I wished I had told her how my feelings had progressed rapidly over the last few months. Then, maybe, she would take me seriously when I told her how sorry I was for taking shit out on her.
I realized, looking back on it, how wrong I was. She didn’t owe me anything, not even my sister’s secret.
And she was right. When we were together, we weren’t even thinking about other people because we were so wrapped up in each other, in our time together.
I took a deep breath and continued warming up, watching, with every second I could, the woman who owned my heart laugh and put on a brave face with my family. The sight was something I could get used to, seeing her sitting there with my family like she was a part of it.
If I had anything to say about it, she would be.
The time came for me to make my grand gesture to my sister. Even though I wanted to loop Cassie into this, to apologize in front of the hundreds of people here tonight, I knew that she would be more mortified than honored. And she needed to know that Mick and I were good before she made any decisions.
Hopefully, this would be just the first step on the path of forgiveness.
Mick was pissed that I did it in front of people, but with a jersey that read “Coach Mitchum” on the back of it and Tanner coming onto the ice with her and publicly claiming her for all to see, all was—mostly—forgiven.
Of course, my gaze had moved to the stands again, watching Cassie’s reaction to what I did and seeing her wiping under her eyes, her smile stretched wide. But it’s not aimed at me, it’s aimed at Mick and Tanner.
She’s happy. For them.
Then, I watched her while getting out of the way of the cleanup crew for my little display as her gaze switched from her best friend to me, and I saw that happiness dim into something else.
Something that made my heart sink down into my stomach.
I still placed my hand over my chest for her before the game started.
I’d taken the fastest shower of my life that night and rushed out to the tunnel, hoping and praying that she would be there, that we could talk, and I could show her that I was sorry. That I could beg her to forgive me.
I found my sister, who hugged me tighter than she ever had, with gratefulness in her gaze that I didn’t earn. She didn’t owe me anything just for accepting the fact that she was dating my coach. Even the thought of that seemed ridiculous to me now.
Though I hugged her and thanked her for her forgiveness, for letting me own up to my shit, my gaze was over her head, looking right at the woman who’s become my whole world in the last couple of months.
After a few moments of talking with my sister, Tanner and Mick’s friends plus Crew joined us, and he announced that he was dragging Vic and Cassie with us to the bar.
My eyes darted to Cassie’s, where she was glaring at Vic. “Vic is my ride.”
Vic started to drag her away, Crew on their tail already chatting Cassie’s ear off, and I trailed after them, ready to celebrate the win for the night as I watched my sister stare happily at her boyfriend.
At least I got something right tonight.
The bar is packed tonight, and as we sidled up to the bar, Crew ordered a round of beers for the four of us, and by the luck of it, I ended up right beside Cassie. A flashback to the first time I met her hit me out of nowhere, and I gazed over at her, wondering if she was thinking the same thing I was.
I remembered that night so clearly. I found her from across the room. Her long blonde hair had been down around her shoulders and her shy gaze hadn’t left her beer for the first few minutes of our conversation.
I was instantly attracted to her, her soft-spoken way and reluctance to engage with me had intrigued me after months of girls throwing themselves at me. I’d wanted to talk to her all night and managed to do so, until beer pong had made me an idiot and I’d gotten way too drunk.
I glanced at Cassie that night, the way she sat stiffly on the barstool, clearly uncomfortable about where her night had gone, and I leaned down a little closer.
“So, what did you think?”
My voice seemed to startle her, and she jumped, looking over at me. “Think of what?”
I bit my lip and nodded my thanks at the bartender and Crew for the beer as he chatted up Vic, keeping her busy even as her eyes roamed the bar. “The game. The whole Mickey thing.”
She nodded as if she knew that’s what I was talking about. Maybe she just needed a minute to answer after the abrupt question. Did she seriously think I wasn’t going to try and talk to her?
“Congratulations on the win, Lincoln. And I’m glad you and Mick worked it out.” Her tone was almost monotone and made my skin crawl with unease.
“Thanks,” I mumbled, wondering what the hell I was going to say to make this better.
“Sunshine,” I started, lowering my voice and leaning in closer so we didn’t get overheard. “I’m sorry.” My voice was hoarse with emotion, and I watched her bite her lip, a frown forming between her brows. She was gripping her untouched beer in her right hand, her left hand clutching her thigh.
Still, she wouldn’t look at me.
“Sunshine,” I said again, waiting for her eyes to connect with mine. When they did, I felt my knees buckle with the hurt and sadness that was in them. “Please. Cassie, I’m sorry.”
“I know you are, Lincoln.” Her voice was so low that I was practically touching her forehead with my own just to hear her. “I know you are.”
“Okay, okay, good. I’m not going to let you down, I swear.” Relief swept through me at her confirmation, but then she pulled back.
“It doesn’t change anything.”
She could have punched me in the gut, and it would have hurt less. “What?”
“I can’t do this.”
Abruptly, she stood, leaving the untouched beer, and rushed toward the bar’s exit to make a quick escape.
I didn’t hesitate to take off after her, bursting behind her through the door into the still-cold spring air.
I reached out when I was right behind her, grasping her hand in mine, and I turned her to face me. “Cassie, wait.”
“No. I can’t.” Cassie’s bottom lip trembled, her free hand going up to her mouth to cover it, ripping her other hand from mine, leaving my hand hanging in the air, desperate to hold on to her.
“Please, don’t leave.” I gestured back toward the bar, my breath coming out in puffs. I was sure desperation was written all over my face. “I won’t bring it up again, I’m sorry. Just…don’t leave.”
“I don’t even want to be here, Lincoln. I’m not staying.”
I bit my lip hard until I could practically taste blood. “Well.” I ran a hand over my head. “When are you coming back to tutoring?”
She frowned at me like I was crazy, crossing her arms over her chest. “What?”
“Tutoring. I need you.”
Finally, a little spark of the Cassie I knew showed through—anger and maybe more hurt.
Fuck. I was tired of hurting her. “I’m not going to tutor you anymore.”
My stomach dropped. “What?”
“You got a new tutor.”
“Temporarily.” At least, that’s what Coach had told me. That Cassie had temporary obligations, so he got me someone else.
“No, not temporarily.” Cassie looked at me like I was stupid, maybe I was. Maybe I was stupid for hoping that I could ever win her back, that I could ever make her happy.
“Sunshine, I need you.”
“You should have thought of that before you treated me like I was nothing more than a bystander between you and your sister.”
With that, she turned on her heel and marched off in the direction of her apartment. I stood there, watching her, my heart crushed as she disappeared from view.
I…lost her. I couldn’t believe it, but I lost her.
Crew came out at that moment, throwing an arm over my shoulder. Pulling me back inside, he gave me a sympathetic look, handed me the beer I no longer wanted, and left me alone.