Chapter Six #2
“That’s not—she knows he’s is innocent, but.
..I don’t know. When I first saw him come out in the orange with all the other prisoners, I felt like nothing would work.
But Hailey believes. She thinks the appeal will go through.
That any day now her father will return to her, and I just—I don’t want to take that away from her.
And not just for her sake. I think I need someone to believe it.
When I look at her, she seems so convinced, and sometimes it’s enough to convince me too, and then I can sleep a little, and it’s just—I want him home with me. I need him to come home.”
They sat in silence for a while. Again, he didn’t know what to say. Nathaniel’s despair was reminding him of Jenny. Was this how she looked when she wasn’t in front of him? When she wasn’t trying so hard to pretend she was okay?
“Thank God, he has you. I don’t know what I’d do if he didn’t.”
Samuel began shredding a napkin over the wrappers and the mess on the table. Nathaniel’s words surprised him, but the smile waiting for him was even worse. There was trust in it. Trust that didn’t belong there. He sat up.
“Look, I don’t know where you got this idea about me. Maybe you just need to believe it, but I’m no hero. I’m a murderer. I’m in here for murder.”
Nathaniel looked surprised at that. So Eli hadn’t told him. He thought the man told him everything. Still, Nathaniel didn’t look particularly alarmed. “Why?”
Why? He almost laughed. Did people usually ask why? They were supposed to just run the other way.
“Did you do it to protect someone?”
He remembered the picture. The one Mr. Edwards had taken—had pushed into his face.
You two look so much alike . “The reason doesn’t matter.
I killed someone, and if I was forced to go back, I’d do it again.
Prison hasn’t reformed me, so stop acting like I’m this knight in shining armor.
You should be trying to keep me away from your husband, not encouraging me. ”
“But you love him.”
Again, it was that nonsense. He almost stood and walked away, but something kept him in that seat.
The man wasn’t that similar to his sister.
They certainly looked nothing alike. And yet Samuel wanted to stay with him.
Maybe, like Nathaniel, the person they both really wanted to see couldn’t be with them at that moment, and they each knew how that felt .
“Tell me what you’ve been reading,” Nathaniel said.
He seemed to know Samuel was done with the topic.
“I’m surprised they have anything decent for you in there.
Or does your sister send you books? She was telling me about the care package company she uses and she’s helping me make a list for Eli.
If there’s anything you need, I can try to include it since she says we can only send packages once a quarter. ”
The napkin fluttered to the table. For once, he forgot to hide his surprise. “Don’t worry about me.”
Nathaniel snorted. “I have an anxiety disorder, of course I’m going to worry about you.
Have you read any of the stoic philosophers?
I thought Eli would benefit from them in here, and now I think you could too.
Maybe if you give me a list of the authors you like, I can pin down your taste and have another go at minimizing all the books in my collection. ”
Nathaniel seemed to draw life in from that kind of talk.
Digging back into the pile, the man started in on his most industrious sandwich yet, and while he did, he told Samuel all kinds of things he didn’t want to know.
Things about Eli and himself and their daughter Hailey, who was in the sixth grade, loved reptiles, and had recently picked up an interest in tree shaping.
She had three little bonsai trees in her room and was always needling for more.
“I can’t refuse her anything with Eli gone.
Too much guilt. I fell apart after the sentencing.
Couldn’t get out of bed. Couldn’t make myself eat.
Hailey was the one who had to parent me.
Making me get up, get dressed, go to work.
And it’s a good thing too. I can’t afford not to work.
Not now when they’ve frozen our joint account.
All our savings gone just like that. The lawyer says they can’t seize the assets, not when Eli’s money also belongs to me, but who knows how long they’ll keep things frozen.
I might have to extend the mortgage on the house.
I’d feel like shit doing it. Another few years and it would have been paid off, but my salary isn't enough, and I won’t see tenure for a long time.
” He gave Samuel a tired smile. “Don’t go into academia, Sam. Not if you want to support a family. ”
Samuel didn’t say he’d be lucky to get a minimum wage job after prison. Recruiters weren’t exactly clambering to pick up ex-cons.
“Don’t extend the mortgage. My sister can help you out.”
“Your sister? Isn’t she only twenty?”
“She’ll be twenty-two soon, not that it matters. She’s loaded. A trust fund baby. Won’t even miss the money.”
“I’m not taking money from a kid. Not even as a loan.”
“You say that, but she’ll find a way to give it to you anyway now that you’re involved.”
“Involved?”
He shrugged. It was hard to explain Jenny.
She didn’t like owing people anything, and she didn’t like her brother racking up debt either.
Once she heard how Eli was caring for him, she’d want to do something for Nathaniel back.
He was sure of it. And for once it didn’t bother him.
The circles around the man’s eyes were very dark.
“That reminds me,” Nathaniel continued, “Hailey was asking about you. It’s Eli’s fault, mostly. He kept talking about his hero the last time he was on the phone with her, and now she has all sorts of questions. She wants to know if she can write to you.”
“Write to me?” The idea was baffling, and not only because snail mail was a thing he thought had died in the last century. Why did a child he’d never met want to write to him?
“The warden told me you can get letters every day. Isn’t that nice? I was thinking of writing to Eli, just to give him something to hold on to, as lame as that sounds.”
He didn’t think it was lame at all. Actually, he was wondering why he’d never thought of doing it himself. There had been many lonely nights when he would have loved to read over some letter of Jenny’s.
“Do you want me to write back? ”
“Don’t feel as if you have to. I already told her you have too much to worry about, and we can’t be adding to your troubles. If the letters get to be too much, just tell Eli and we’ll make her stop.”
He found he could imagine her. One father torn from her and the other walking around in a daze of loss. She was alone. Alone in the way Jenny was alone, but worse, because she couldn’t even come and visit.
“Tell her I’ll look forward to it.”
That startled Nathaniel. His eyes opened a little wider, and Samuel realized there were flecks of gold thrown in with the brown. The man smiled, and with it looked a little less tired. “I will.”
Nathaniel mostly did the talking after that.
Talking and eating. Samuel lost track of the amount of food they put away.
He had a feeling Nathaniel hadn’t eaten properly in a long time.
Not that the prison food could be considered proper, but it was more substantial than the shit Eli was being forced to subsist on.
It was another topic Nathaniel was frantic about.
He wanted an exact list of what Eli was putting into his mouth.
“He must be so hungry,” he lamented, looking helpless again.
“He’ll stick to that gross fish and never complain, but he’ll keep losing weight.
Is there nothing we can do? I’m not getting anywhere with the gluten-free meals, and even if I could, I’m not sure I would trust whoever was cooking. ”
“I could talk to Norm,” he found himself saying. “Make his meal myself. He’d take me on as part of the crew if I asked.”
“Oh, could you? Even if it was just to boil him some vegetables that would be something. His body is so sensitive, and it’s used to good food.”
“I think we mostly get in canned vegetables, so it’s still processed, but I’ll see what I can do. I know some of the guards will smuggle things in for a price. I can ask— ”
“Absolutely not. Nothing that could get you in trouble.”
“But that might be the only way—”
“No, and if I find out you’ve gone ahead and done it anyway, I really will have Eli tie you to the bed for the rest of your sentence.”
The visit ended soon after that. Samuel flinched when The Android tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Time’s up, Fuller.”
Nathaniel hugged him again, but this time he pressed his mouth close to whisper, “Stay clear of that one. I don’t like the look of him.”
He didn’t need to be told twice, though he was surprised by just how quickly Nathaniel picked up on it.
Eli wanted to know all about his visit. “Isn’t he cute?”
Sure, if cute was another way of saying can eat twice his body weight in a single meal.
“What does he teach?”
“Oh, all sorts of things. The head of the classics department gives him a lot of leeway considering he’s basically keeping them afloat. I joke that once I’m retired, I’ll enroll with the seniors’ discount, but Nathaniel says he’ll give me private lessons instead.”
Samuel didn’t need to contribute much, or anything, to keep Eli going once he was on his favorite topic. He probably would have gone on in that way for hours if he hadn’t interrupted him.
“Your daughter wants to write to me. Is that okay?”
The words were all he needed to derail Eli’s train of thought. “Hailey?” he said.
From what Samuel had gathered, the man only had one kid. “Yes.”
There was a bit of blinking, but it soon turned into a smile. “She’s got good taste.”