Chapter Fourteen
Trusting Rat
He ate a tremendous amount that day. He didn’t know if it was increased appetite or a coping mechanism, but he put away so much food even Eli was impressed. “I think you might rival Than. Maybe even Darren.”
“If I die of obesity-related complications, I’m blaming you.”
But he didn’t feel like dying, and that was the weird part.
He’d come face to face with his feelings, and he wasn’t depressed, in fact, he was rather.
..content? He didn’t know how to label it, and it wasn’t just the relief of finally having a secret out in the open, after all, Nathaniel had known about his feelings long before he did, and so, apparently, had Eli.
No. It wasn’t just about the secret. It was removing barriers, maybe.
He felt less censure. Less need to hide.
After all, if Nat and Eli could handle his goo-goo eyes, then they could handle everything else, the full pathetic noxiousness of his personality, even, because Nathaniel brushed away his apology on the phone like it was a nuisance.
“I’m happy we can talk about it now. I mean, we can talk about it now, right? Or do we have to pretend you don’t want to ride his dick?”
He was only glad Eli was hanging back, chatting to a couple of people on the phone line. Probably more medical bullshit. News about Eli’s expertise was spreading like wildfire and it meant even people from other blocks were approaching him now.
He dropped his voice. “Please tell me you don’t say things like that to Eli.”
Nathaniel had every right to say even worse things, of course, but the man was too decent for such behavior—he hoped.
“Not really. He’s very prudish about you. It’s cute. He seems to think you’re some blushing virgin, though it’s obvious from the way you stare you know exactly what you want to do.”
He hoped the hands he had glued to the receiver were keeping any of the tinny volume from escaping.
Still, even if surrounding witnesses couldn't hear the man, there was no hiding the redness of his face. The only one who couldn’t see it was Nathaniel.
Maybe that was why the man continued on, merciless and unrelenting.
“It’s a bit unfair, I think. He’s always calling me a pervert, but you—he won’t hear any word of insinuation against you.
Do you know how long it took me to convince him it was horniness, not fear, that had you flinching away from him?
Sometimes I think he’s still unconvinced.
It’s strange. Complete strangers used to fall in love with him every day.
Patients, parents, grocery store workers, everyone, really, and he never had any doubts about their general lustfulness.
Maybe it’s your beauty. I mean, he’s no stranger to good-looking candidates, but you’re probably the prettiest thing he’s ever seen. ”
That’s not why , he wanted to say, but he was too embarrassed to speak.
He’d heard many compliments over the years, many more ridiculous and blatant than anything Nathaniel could come up with, but the way the man dropped the compliments, without intent for flattery made them particularly difficult to brush off.
“In any case, I’m just going to remind you not to pull any stupid stunts.
If I hear you risked your safety on some foolish quest to maintain Eli’s chastity or whatever, I’m going to be more than pissed.
If you want to blue-ball yourself, go ahead, I can’t stop you, but I don’t want any more of last night’s foolishness.
You don’t get to divorce Eli, not now, and not later, either, or do you really think you’re going to be able to find someone better than him once you get out? ”
That was a rhetorical question if he’d ever heard one.
“I won’t leave him.”
“Good. And if you’re going to be a prude, at least don’t be a suffocating one. Are you really still worried about that Ariel guy?”
Ariel was a pretty twink from a different block who’d recently made it quite clear that if Eli wanted anything—and he really did mean anything—he needn’t hesitate to ask. Just hearing the name aloud was enough to set his teeth on edge.
“I’m not worried. It’s disrespectful, that’s all.”
“Is disrespect why you had someone snip off his eyelashes?”
He grinned. Couldn’t help it, really. Those eyelashes had been Ariel’s pride and joy, and now the boy had cried himself to sleep three nights already and the tally didn’t seem to be winding down anytime soon.
“I told you that had nothing to do with me.”
“So it was just a random act of sabotage, was it?”
Probably not. The barber was a “patient” of Eli’s.
Something involving slipped disks. Samuel never bothered with the details, but that part wasn’t important.
What mattered was that everyone loved Eli, and Samuel, being his prison husband, had inherited some of the perks that came along with that.
And while it was true he hadn’t made his hatred for Ariel front page news, he hadn’t exactly tried to hide it either.
A couple of quick snips, and the twink’s pride and joy had been brutally mowed down to the roots.
It was just too bad Rick wouldn’t accept anything in the form of “payment” for services rendered, though Samuel had made offers—several offers. Good deeds deserved rewarding.
Nathaniel snorted. “Your silence is deafening.”
He felt his grip relax a little. “Nat?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you really okay?”
He halfway hoped Nathaniel would ignore him.
That was his own tactic for uncomfortable questions.
But Nathaniel was a braver man than he was, and more mature to boot.
Probably why he was the real husband, and Samuel the placeholder.
“Yeah, I mean, I’ve known it for a long time, so it’s not like.
..you’re a good man, Sam. I’d rather share him with you than Marie. ”
“You don’t have to share him at all. I don’t—”
“Sam.” And he shut his mouth. “I’m sure Eli would do almost anything you asked of him, but you don’t get to decide how people feel about you.
I know it’s scary, but that’s what it means to love someone.
So don’t tell me what I do or don’t have to put up with.
I accepted you already, and for the most part I was glad to do it, but don’t undermine my sacrifice by telling me nothing has changed.
Before the sentencing Eli and I were pursuing adoption.
There was a pair of twins, two little girls, that we were hoping to bring into our life, but Andrew ruined that.
Maybe forever. I don’t think many adoption agencies look favorably on ex-cons.
That was the biggest thing we’ve had to give up, but this, with you, isn’t small either, so don’t try to imply that I have nothing to worry about. ”
He bent his head to the words, the weight of them too much even for his stupidly large shoulders. He wanted to cover his ears, especially to the part about the twins.
“I didn’t mean to—that is, I don’t want—” he gave up. “ You’re the last person I want to disrespect.”
Nathaniel laughed, a tired and scratchy sound. “What do I care about respect? Just help me keep him happy. At the end of the day, that’s all that really matters.”
He didn’t agree. There were a lot of things that mattered, and Nathaniel’s fear and loneliness were high up on that list. “When I get out—” It was a bad start. He’d learned long ago about the folly of future hopes. “I don’t know how long it will take, but if you still think of me as…”
“Family,” Nathaniel filled in when he couldn’t make himself say it. “It’s not a dirty word, you know.”
“Right, um, so if you still want, I’ll be—I can help, with things. I promise not to be a burden, so—so don’t worry.”
“Did I say I was worried?”
No, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. “They think I’m out of control here. But it’s an act most of the time. I can—I’m not an animal.”
There was a small pause, and an uncomfortable one for him, but he rode it out until “Samuel.” And he didn’t have to say anything else. It was clear, with just that naming, that no further apologies were necessary.
The rest of the conversation was easy after that, as were most conversations with Nathaniel.
The man put him at ease like no one else did, and he was always trying to pinpoint why.
Nat was older, sure, and wiser, but maybe most impressive was his immunity to bullshit.
It just seemed to roll off him like rain on a windshield.
“You’re thinking about him again, aren’t you?” Eli said two days later when they were out in the yard.
“Who?”
“Who else? The light of my life. The bun to my hotdog.”
“I miss hotdogs. ”
“No, you don’t. They’re full of preservatives.”
“I love preservatives.”
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Now why are you mooning over Nathaniel this time?”
“I don’t moon over him.”
“It takes one to know one, and you’re definitely mooning. What is it? And don’t tell me it's more of your nerd lore. I thought Than was the only one who could get boners over books.”
He had his eyes pinned to the ground, away from the sight of Eli doing pull-ups. He’d already seared his retinas once by accident and his heart still hadn’t recovered.
“I guess I just wish I was a little more like him, that’s all.”
Eli pumped out a few more and let himself down with a hard exhale that had Samuel’s dick twitching. “How do you mean?”
He really wished the man wouldn’t speak when he was out of breath. It would only be incorporated into his fantasies, and he really couldn’t afford to let those get any more realistic.
“I just feel so stupid around him. Immature, like a whiny brat. He’s only a few years older than me, but it’s like a whole lifetime separates us.
And I’m not even talking about the family shit.
Husband, father, brother, I know I fail at all of those, but in everything he’s just—he’s so grown up, and I just feel like another brat clamoring for his attention. ”