Chapter Thirteen #5
“Thank you,” Eli whispered. He hated how grateful it sounded. How relieved. It meant he really was a loose cannon—a liability.
He let Eli drag him back to the dorm. He felt eyes on him and didn’t care.
Let them stare. Let them do whatever they wanted.
He was emptied out, exhausted with his confession.
And still the hurt came, waves and waves of it.
It didn’t seem fair to add that on top of everything else.
It took energy to process hurt. Energy he didn’t have.
So it just rolled over him, crushing the air from his lungs and accomplishing nothing.
His knees buckled against the edge of the bed, and he went down like the world’s largest sack of potatoes.
Eli gentled his fall and guided his head to the mattress, but the effort was wasted.
He didn’t care what happened to him now.
He couldn’t even be bothered to shut his eyes, so he just stared across the dorm at a pair of socks that had rolled under someone’s bunk.
A hand touched his back. Eli’s hand. He didn’t have to look. Didn’t have to think. His body always knew that hand now, and he knew he should tell Eli to let go. To not touch him. The man’s pity would only hurt him more in the long run. But he didn’t have the energy to worry about his future self.
Eli didn’t try to talk. Didn’t offer him any platitudes or encouragement.
He just rubbed at his back, slow and easy, like he had nothing better to do.
Rubbing and rubbing until he thought for sure the hand would snap off.
But Eli didn’t stop. Not even when the lights flicked off, the sudden dimness like a jolt to the head.
He’d been floating, semi-disconnected, and the change brought him back into his useless body.
His throat was raw. He didn’t know why. He hadn’t yelled for very long, nor had he cried.
He sat up.
“Samuel? Do you need the bathroom?”
Did he? He didn’t know. “Bed. This one’s yours.
” If the lights were off, then it was time to sleep.
And he had to do that away from Eli now that the truth was out.
The thought of climbing up to his bunk was daunting.
Even if he could drum up the strength somehow, his coordination was gone.
No, there wouldn’t be any climbing. He would just use the floor.
It wasn’t like he was going to sleep anyway.
“No, puppy. If you don’t need to pee, then lie back down. Unless you need something else. Are you hungry? Thirsty?”
Eli spoke in that bare whisper he always used after lights out.
Hearing it used to make him shiver. It sounded so intimate in the dark.
Now he just wanted him to stop, the words like needles in his already prickling brain.
But he said nothing and allowed Eli to push him back down.
Why? Because he was tired? Because it was easier than fighting?
No. Because he wanted to. Because even though the truth was out and there was no hiding, he still wanted to pretend.
He started to laugh. It was just a little rumble at first, the sound a generator might make, or a robotic vacuum cleaner. But the sound built until it began to hurt his stomach and soon he was bent over himself laughing and laughing because his body didn’t know how to stop.
“Shut him up!” someone yelled. Usually he was pretty good at identifying people by their voices, but he wasn’t really listening. Panic was building. His lungs were starved for air, but he couldn’t stop. He just couldn’t stop.
“I swear to god if you don’t shut your bitch up—”
“Enough.” Eli didn’t shout it. He didn’t have to.
His voice was deep enough to cut through other sounds.
He thought the man was talking to the annoyed shouts, but maybe not, because a hand gripped the back of his neck and pushed his head lower, almost between his legs.
“Breathe. Time it with me.” His wrist was seized next and pressed up against Eli’s chest. Nathaniel was always talking about Eli’s chest, and for good reason.
It was wide and firm, big enough and strong enough to take on all the world’s troubles.
He tried to jerk his hand away. That chest didn’t belong to him.
He couldn’t have it. But Eli insisted. “Breathe,” he repeated. “Don’t think and just breathe.”
If he hadn’t already blown all his anger, that would have pissed him off.
Don’t think? What was he supposed to do, forget who was touching him?
He didn’t realize he was following directions until that awful pressure on his chest eased a bit.
Without meaning to, he’d let his world become the movements of Eli’s chest. Up and out.
Down and flat. Again and again, the warmth and rhythm soothing him against his will.
“There,” Eli said and pulled up on his wrists. “Now let’s get you out of these clothes. Lift your arms for me.”
But he didn’t lift his arms. Instead, he caught hold of Eli’s shoulders and shoved him down. The man’s back hit the mattress with a whump ! but Eli showed no surprise, nor did he fight the hold. He just looked up at him, waiting for an explanation.
“I tell you I want to fuck, and here you are trying to take my clothes off. Are you crazy or just stupid?”
“You hate sleeping in your day clothes.”
It was true. He couldn’t even take a nap without getting changed first.
“That’s not the point! If I kissed you right now, what would you tell Nathaniel? That you were just trying to get me ready for bed?”
“I don’t think you’re going to do that.”
It was the confidence in the words that riled him most. “I’m a loose cannon, remember? Who knows what I’ll do next? Even I don’t know anymore.”
Eli ignored the pressure on his shoulders and settled a hand in his hair. “I’m sorry. That must feel awful.”
“Don’t apologize to me!”
“Then what should I do? I hurt you. Look how much I hurt you.”
He batted the hand way. “Fuck that. I hurt myself.”
He was too tired for this, and even though he was speaking in a whisper (albeit, a sharp one) he was out of breath again. “Shit,” he hissed, and rolled off Eli. It was too nice to touch him. Even restraining him felt good.
He was still catching his breath when the arm snaked around his waist.
“What the fuck!”
“Come here.”
“The hell I will. Get off me.”
“I can’t. I’m anxious.”
“You? What do you have to be anxious about?”
“I’m in prison and my puppy won’t look at me.”
“I’m here, aren’t I? ”
“My tits are cold.”
“That’s your fault for always sleeping without a shirt.”
But Eli pulled his head up onto his chest, and he, masochistic idiot that he was, didn’t fight it.
“This is stupid. I’ll get a boner for sure, and then Nat will divorce you.”
“Nat likes my dick too much to divorce me.”
“Prison dick depreciates quickly.”
“You seem to like it.”
He smacked that arm. It was like slapping the side of a horse—solid muscle. “Shut up or I’m going back to my bunk and your tits will turn to blocks of ice.”
“Don’t threaten me when I’m already so stressed. Look at me. My hair’s falling out.”
His mouth twitched, and he was abruptly horrified.
Heartbroken boys had no right to smile. Not even by accident.
It was Eli’s fault, he decided. The man was acting too much like himself, and it was so good to be held.
To be twined around Eli while he felt the reverberations of the man’s words traveling through muscle and into his face.
“I yelled at Nat.”
“I know. I heard you.”
“I shouldn’t have done that. He deals with so much already.”
“You can apologize in the morning.”
“Apologize how? I’m with you every day. I’d murder me if I was him.”
“Nat would never. He’s not a criminal like us.”
“I don’t know, you should have seen the way he swung that chair at Leroy.”
“If I had, I’d have demanded he fuck me right then.”
“He fucks you?”
“Not often. It can be—it’s difficult to give up that control.”
He automatically reached for Eli’s hand, reacting to the vulnerability in his voice, and stopped. It wasn’t him Eli needed.
“You’ll have him soon. It doesn’t feel like it, but the time passes.”
“It’s hard to believe it’s already been so long. I could swear it was only the other day that you were tossing peanut-butter at my would-be rapists.”
He bit down on a laugh. “That’s not funny.”
“Then why’d you snort?”
“Because you’re a dumbass.”
“Not my fault you have no taste in men.”
He stiffened.
Eli felt the change and squeezed him closer. “Is teasing bad? I won’t if you don’t like it.”
“No, it’s—it feels better, I think, out in the open like this. But I just...is it really okay for me to feel this way? Shouldn’t I stay away from you?”
“Don’t you dare.”
“But Nathaniel—”
“Has told me to keep you by my side every minute of every day. He’s crazy about you, Samuel. You have no idea. I get jealous, sometimes.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I’m sure I’ve said stupider.”
He knew he wasn’t going to roll off Eli, but still he felt disgust with himself when he let the man pull him even more snugly against him. “I’m telling Nathaniel you’re an oath breaker and a scoundrel.”
“Okay.”
“I really will. I’m not bluffing.”
Eli kissed the top of his head. “I know. Please continue to look after his interests.”
He wasn’t sure if Eli knew the unconstrained power of those kisses, but he couldn’t help feeling manipulated anyway. He’d never experienced anything softer or warmer than Eli’s mouth.
“I hope you’re not going on the assumption that my feelings will change. I know you think I’m a kid, but this isn’t first-love bullshit. You won’t be able to wait it out.”
Eli’s laugh was a pleasant rumble in his chest. “I should hope not. I’ll cry for weeks the day you stop blushing in the shower.”
He pushed his face just that little bit closer to Eli’s neck. “As if that could happen.”
He didn’t know when he fell asleep, but he was surprised to wake. He was certain he’d lie there all night stewing in bitter heartbreak, but he slept surprisingly deeply and when he opened his eyes, the lights were already on, and people were moving about.
Eli’s eyes were twinkling at him.
He jerked away and fell off the man’s shoulder. The man’s delighted laugh was the backdrop for his embarrassment. “I don’t know why I call you puppy when you really act like a startled kitten most of the time.”
“You shouldn’t be comparing me to animals in the first place, you goddamn cheater.”
“Your affectionate nicknames need work.”
“Shut up. I’m calling Nathaniel right now. ”
“But then all the hot water will be gone by the time we get back.”
“Big Tom’s right. You are a princess.”
“Pretty princess. Don’t sell me short.”
It was all too easy. He wasn’t sure what he’d expected, but the acceptance was too much. It caused him to react with near-violence when Eli followed him into his shower stall.
“What the fuck , Thompson!”
“Are we not doing this anymore?”
“Get out!”
“But when you stare at my dick, it’s so good for my self-esteem.”
“Nobody’s looking at your social security dick.”
“Shit, if you weren’t already in prison, I’ll call the cops for geriatric abuse.”
He found his mouth twitching again. God, but he loved this man. Was so in love he had to press his hands over his face and remind himself that he was heartbroken. It was only then, with the distraction of Eli’s beauty safely out of sight, that he remembered.
“Wait— Eli !”
Eli poked his head out from his stall. “Forget your soap?”
He grabbed his arm, pulled him close, and dropped his voice. “You can’t leave. I forgot. We’re married.”
“You forgot our quarter year anniversary too. You’re a terrible husband.”
“Our quarter year—? Forget the nonsense. I mean you need to be in here with me.”
“Changed your mind about my ancient dick?”
“What? No . Just get in here. ”
But Eli stopped him. The hand against his chest wasn’t really a restraint, but it made him pause.
Eli smiled at him. “We did your way for a while, so can we try mine?”
“Your way?”
Eli pulled his hand away and used it to tap him on the chin. “I don’t think we need to pretend anymore. If we care about each other, we shouldn’t need it. I don’t like making you uncomfortable.”
“I’m not uncomfortable.”
“Then it doesn’t bother you when I touch you?”
“Of course not. You protect me, and I protect you. How could that be uncomfortable?” He almost threw in a disgruntled “idiot” at the end but managed to leave it out despite his embarrassment.
“I mean, it can be nerve-wracking, but that’s only because my body reacts, and I already don’t know how I’m supposed to look Nat in the face on Saturday. ”
It was worth bearing with the embarrassment for the smile that blossomed on Eli’s face—a flower opening for the summer sun. “I’ll treasure that trust, puppy.” And with that, he got another kiss, on his other cheek this time.
It shouldn’t have been a big deal. All his mother’s friends used to kiss him like that as a greeting. But it was a big deal, and he knew his blush was fierce because Eli’s smile widened, and he pressed his knuckles to the color. “Cute.”
He smacked the hand away and pushed his head under the water, but not before he heard the man’s laugh.