4. 3
She saw the pain in his eyes, the creases in his forehead. She drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.
¨This is all so sudden,〃 she murmured. ¨I need a little time. Iˇm not saying no. To any of it. I just need time.〃
He nodded his understanding. After sitting together with him for another minute, she stood up, and he stood as well. Then she turned to go back inside.
The first thing she did was pull out her cell phone, retrieve the slip of paper with Hollyˇs handwriting from her wallet, and dial their cousin Erinˇs number.
About a week later, Julia realized that she hadnˇt seen Amanda at Dunphyˇs in a while. She approached Carla, one of the other prep cooks, and said quietly, ¨Where is Amanda these days?〃
¨Quit about a week ago. I wouldnˇt be surprised if it had something to do with him,〃 Carla whispered, nodding toward William passing by. ¨If thereˇs a heart anywhere in there, no one has seen it.〃
An involuntary smile spread itself across Juliaˇs face as she returned to her work. During Williamˇs break, Julia came out to meet him.
¨What do you have in mind for this business?〃 Her voice made him jump. ¨Weekends only?〃
He considered a moment. ¨We could also do private charters during the week. Sport fishing. That kind of thing.〃
There was that word ¨we〃 again. ¨What about private charters for photography?〃
¨Yes, that too. But since I have to run the boat, I wouldnˇt be able to come out and interact much.〃
¨You could also offer private charters during the week for birthdays and office parties, and things like that.〃
He smiled faintly. ¨I see you havenˇt given this any thought.〃
¨It just so happens Iˇve been learning a bit about business plans lately, for another reason. You know weˇd have to come up with financials. I donˇt know the first thing about that, do you?〃
¨Not particularly.〃
¨What about the present state of the industry? How saturated the market already is? Stuff like that?〃
¨I have a vague idea, but weˇd need specifics.〃
Her head spun. ¨This could take months.〃
¨So? Those months will go by anyway.〃
¨I havenˇt said Iˇd do it,〃 she reminded him.
¨I know.〃
The boats across the water bobbed in their slips, including the catamaran he had pointed out to her a week ago. ¨What about Amanda?〃
¨Amanda?〃
¨How will she feel about you working on this with me?〃
¨Thereˇs no Amanda. Not anymore.〃 She met his gaze, and he said, ¨Listen, Julia, Iˇm not going to kid you. I havenˇt been a monk all this time. But as far as love〃 He shook his head.
She drew her breath in a quick gasp, her heart leaping into her throat, but also hurting on some level because it was past denial. Of course he had been in relationships with other women. She always knew he must have. But some tiny, desperate part of herself had hoped that maybe, just maybe, he hadnˇt.
¨I hope you know I didnˇt mean to rush you,〃 he said after a minute. ¨But if there was any chance at all, I had to take it while I still could.〃
Julia nodded. ¨It wonˇt be long.〃
The next day, Julia did not see William at his station. He was on the schedule, and her father had once told her that he never, ever called in sick. Against her better judgment, she approached her father and asked after him .
Her father didnˇt look up from his work. ¨His brother Mike is in the ICU at General.〃
¨What?〃
He waved his hand impatiently at her. ¨Some kind of overdose.〃
Julia knew that, as much as he admired most of the Quinns for their work ethic and down-to-earth demeanor, he wholly dismissed Jimmy and Mike as the bad apples of the family. Clearly, he was annoyed by the inconvenience of Williamˇs absence, not at all concerned for Mike, and much too busy to be bothered.
Julia stumbled to the front of the restaurant in a fog. She did not know what replies she gave to the inquiries of patrons and other employees. She looked out the window, saw the closed and locked door of the plant. Thought of a time, long ago, when William had rushed her to the hospital to be at the side of her dying uncle.
She ran out the front door, all the way around the shed to her car. Jumped in and sped to San Francisco General.
Ran up the flights of stairs to the locked door of the ICU. Banged on it, then noticed the waiting room to the side. She found him there, by himself, hunched in his chair, waiting for something to happen.
He looked up when she entered, and his eyes flew open wide.
¨Julia,〃 he said in a voice that didnˇt sound like his own. He seemed to lose all powers of speech after that.
¨I came here as soon as I heard,〃 she said, taking a chair next to him. ¨My dad told me.〃
He stared at her, his mouth open in shock. Totally mute.
Damn her impulsiveness. ¨I didnˇt even think about it until just now. I just came here as fast as I could. I know how much he means to you.〃
Still, he gaped. Desperately, she tried humor. ¨I thought I would carry on our old tradition of meeting in hospitals under catastrophic circumstances.〃
His look of shock gave way abruptly to a short laugh. ¨My family will be here any minute. They had all gone to Livermore after the plant closed to visit my Uncle Bill, and they had to drive back.〃
¨What happened? If you want to tell me. 〃
¨I donˇt know everything yet. Theyˇre still stabilizing him. They said he overdosed on heroin and alcohol.〃
¨Heroin,〃 Julia repeated with horror.
¨I didnˇt even know he was using it. I lived with him. Played in a band with him. And I had no idea.〃
Well, now that she was here, sheˇd better think of something to say or do. Some way to help.
¨My sister,〃 she said.
¨What?〃
¨They reconnected at the pub, you know. I should call and ask her what she knows.〃
He considered a moment, then nodded. She stepped out into the hallway, opened her cell phone and dialed her sisterˇs number. Told her what was happening.
¨Oh no,〃 Alison wailed.
¨Alison. Did you know about this?〃
¨Yes,〃 she admitted. ¨I hooked up with him once or twice after the pub. The first time he pulled out the kit and offered it to me, I bounced.〃
¨Do you know anything else? How much he was doing? Who he did it with, or where he got it from?〃
¨Not a clue. Iˇve told you everything I know. It killed me to see him using it, but I canˇt be around that shit.〃 She hesitated a moment. ¨Iˇm coming down there.〃
¨No, Alison, I think youˇre right. Youˇd better not get involved.〃
¨God, Iˇm sorry to hear this. Heˇs such a good guy.〃 After a momentˇs pause, she said, ¨Hey. What are you doing there?〃
Julia debated whether or not to tell her. ¨Iˇve got to go.〃
¨Julia? Itˇs William, isnˇt it?〃
¨Goodbye, Alison.〃
She hung up. Held the phone in her hand a moment. Turned to go back into the waiting room, and was just beginning to relay her sisterˇs information when Williamˇs parents came in, followed by someone Julia was startled to recognize as his sister. Far from her old athletic self, Kelly bore a striking resemblance to Ann now. Eleven years and single parenthood had not been kind to her; she had put on a lot of weight, and she looked much older than her twenty-seven years.
They all looked confused to find Julia there, but of course the first thing out of Annˇs mouth was, ¨Whatˇs going on? How is Mike?〃
¨Theyˇre still stabilizing him,〃 William replied. ¨I donˇt know anything more than that yet.〃
¨Whenˇs the last time you heard anything?〃
¨About thirty minutes ago.〃
¨Iˇm going to check for any updates.〃 She went to pick up the phone next to the ICU entrance. Jim followed her, and Kelly turned to peer at Julia, bewildered.
¨She has some information for us,〃 William tried. ¨From her sister.〃
Julia nodded in conspiracy. ¨Yes. Alison says she spent a little time recently with Mike.〃
Kelly raised an eyebrow. ¨She did?〃
¨She said he offered her heroin, and she said no and left. Thatˇs really all she knows, though.〃
¨And you came all this way just to tell us that?〃
Julia and William were both silent. Kelly looked suspiciously at her, and then turned angry eyes on William.
¨So what youˇre telling me is that Juliaˇs sister knew all about his heroin problem, but his own brother, who lives with him, whoˇs supposed to keep an eye on him, had no idea?〃
William sprang to his feet and left the waiting room. His sister watched him go, then turned to glare at Julia.
Well, I didnˇt very well come here to hang out with her, Julia thought, and ran after him without another word.
She found him at the end of the hallway, turning into another unit with his hands shoved into his pockets. She fell in step beside him and took the tour of the floor with him. After a while he stopped to look out of a window.
¨You should probably go now. Itˇs going to get worse with my sister, and my mom too.〃
¨If thatˇs what you want me to do.〃
He looked at her, exquisitely conflicted. ¨You donˇt want to hear this stuff.〃
¨You donˇt have to hear it, either, if you donˇt want to.〃
¨I have to go back in there sometime. I need to see Mike, and hear the updates.〃
She nodded. After a momentˇs hesitation, she added, ¨Your sister doesnˇt like me very much, does she?〃
¨Donˇt take it too personally. She holds some tenacious grudges. Itˇs a Cardone family trait.〃
¨Grudges? Why does she hold a grudge against me?〃
William reddened slightly. ¨She and my mom are very protective of all the people they love.〃
Now Julia understood. She had hurt him once, and they had very long memories. She had a bit of work to do to get back into their good graces.
¨Iˇll be hanging around,〃 she said. She glanced around, pointed to the nearest waiting room. ¨Right here. Come find me if you need anything. If you donˇt if youˇre too busy with your brother then donˇt worry about it.〃
A couple of hours passed before he reappeared, looking haggard. She set aside her magazine and stood up.
¨Can I get you anything?〃
He shook his head and took the seat next to hers. She resumed her seat, and turned to look at him. He slouched in his chair, staring down at the floor.
¨Do you want to tell me whatˇs happening?〃 she prompted gently.
Her voice roused him. He straightened a bit. ¨He has pulmonary edema fluid in his lungs. Heˇs sedated and on a ventilator. Hooked up to a ton of IVs and monitors. They say he stopped breathing and his heart stopped beating, and they had to resuscitate him. They donˇt know how much damage it did to his brain or what the effects are going to be long-term.〃
¨Oh no.〃 She reached for his hand, with no other thought, initially, than to comfort him. After a while, she ventured, ¨Where was he when this happened?〃
¨Just some shooting gallery in the Tenderloin, from what I can gather. 〃
Julia shook her head in dismay. ¨William, when was the last time you had anything to eat?〃
¨I donˇt know.〃
¨You wait here.〃 She rose to look for a patient kitchen, but he squeezed her hand to stop her from going.
¨I canˇt eat anything.〃
¨Yes you can. You will.〃 She wriggled her hand free. ¨Iˇll be right back.〃
She found the nearest patient kitchen and gathered up some pudding and a spoon, crackers, and juice. Approached the nurse at the nearest station to beg for coffee, and the nurse went to the break room to retrieve some.
Juggling everything, Julia returned to the waiting room to find him still there, in exactly the same position she had left him. She handed him the coffee, which he gladly accepted. Peeled open the pudding, and tore open the package of crackers.
¨Eat this. Donˇt just drink coffee or youˇll puke.〃
He devoured it quickly. Took the crackers when she held them out and ate those too. Drank the entire container of juice and gulped down the coffee.
¨Iˇll get more,〃 she said.
But he shook his head, and took her hand again.
¨Do you know,〃 he said, ¨that even after all these years, I still felt like I had to protect him from himself. Babysit him like a child. Make sure he took his Lithium every day. And I was happy to do it, because of how he protected me a long time ago.〃
After a moment, it occurred to Julia to wonder, ¨Whatever happened to Jimmy?〃
He looked at her as if he were surprised that she didnˇt already know. ¨Dead.〃
¨What? When did that happen?〃
¨A couple of years after we broke up, when I was in Alaska.〃
¨Did he get killed in prison?〃
He shook his head. ¨He was paroled.〃
¨Then how?〃
With a grim look, he said, ¨Overdose. 〃
She sat with him in silence for a long time, holding his hand and staring blankly at the TV. The longer she sat, the harder it became to face to prospect of letting go of his hand.
Finally, after ten or fifteen minutes, he looked at her and said, ¨You should probably go home. Your daughter.〃
¨My mom is with her. I would have been at work right now, anyway. But I am going to go out for a while. Iˇm going to get some food for you and your family.〃
He shook his head. ¨Donˇt do that.〃
¨Why not?〃 He had no reply, so she said, ¨Iˇll be back in a little while. Iˇll deliver myself.〃
He smiled tenderly at her, and she felt the warmth flooding her chest. She squeezed his hand, and reluctantly let it go. He followed her out of the waiting room, back toward the ICU. As she went the opposite direction, she couldnˇt resist looking back, and saw him do the same.
She drove back to the restaurant as fast as she could. Came into the kitchen and said to her father, ¨Iˇm taking some food to the Quinns at the hospital.〃
¨Where have you been?〃 he demanded.
¨At the hospital,〃 she replied calmly.
¨You just skip out on work and go to the hospital to be with the Quinns?〃
¨It was something I needed to do.〃
He looked at her now, and she watched him making the connection.
¨You know thatˇs coming out of your wages,〃 he said.
This gave her pause, but she said, ¨Whatever you think is best.〃
He looked annoyed at her for calling his bluff. She knew he would eat the cost, for Jim and Ann.
Back at the hospital, she found them still in the waiting room. They looked just as surprised to see her this time as they had before, except for William.
She held up her sack. ¨Food from the restaurant.〃
They murmured their surprise and pleasure. She unpacked the boxes of food, one for each of them, as well as the napkins and silverware. One at a time, they opened the boxes, exclaimed at the bounty.
¨Any new updates?〃 asked Julia .
Ann shook her head. ¨Heˇs stable. Itˇll take twenty-four to forty-eight hours before we have a clearer picture.〃
Julia nodded. ¨Iˇll leave you now, but if you need anything, feel free to give me a call.〃
¨It was very kind of you to bring the food,〃 said Ann.
¨My pleasure.〃
Julia turned to go, but not before casting a long look at William. Moments later, he joined her in the hallway and walked around the corner with her, into the other unit. Then he took her hand, and stopped.
She turned to face him, and saw the same gold chain peeking from underneath his collar that she had noticed for the first time at the pub. He lifted her hand and held it in both of his. He looked at it, touched it with his fingertips. Only then did she notice the condition of his hands, scattered here and there with burn and knife scars from his years in the kitchen.
She thought her heart would overflow. ¨Iˇll call you as soon as I can tomorrow morning.〃
He nodded and reluctantly let go of her hand. Put his hands in his pockets as she backed away. Slowly, she turned and made her way down the hallway, toward the staircase. She felt his eyes following her the whole way, until she was out of sight.
She called him on the way to work the next morning after dropping Paige off at school.
¨How is he?〃
¨Still stable. If he stays that way, they might try to wean him off the ventilator today.〃
¨Thatˇs good. Did you get any sleep last night?〃
¨Not much.〃
She knew he would be back at work that night, regardless. There was no point arguing with him about that.
¨Listen, Julia, my brother isnˇt the only reason I didnˇt get much sleep last night. 〃
He paused, waiting, she imagined, for some kind of reaction from her. She struggled with what to say, with the right combination of caution and encouragement.
¨I didnˇt sleep too well last night, either.〃
He hesitated a moment. ¨Are you working tonight?〃
¨Yeah. Itˇs Friday.〃
¨Iˇll see you later.〃
¨Okay.〃
Breaks were impossible that night, so she had no chance to talk to him until after work, when he leaned against the lockers, looking exhausted.
¨I hope youˇre not going back to the hospital,〃 she said.
To her surprise, he shook his head. ¨I canˇt. I have to function tomorrow.〃
¨Good.〃
¨I did call just now. They weaned him, and heˇs awake. Mom is there; that should be enough for now.〃
¨Good for you,〃 she said emphatically.
He pulled his jacket on and turned to go.
¨Youˇre not driving home, are you?〃 she said.
¨I have to. I drove here.〃
She put her hand on his arm. ¨Friends donˇt let friends drive exhausted. Let me take you home.〃 His eyes widened, and she added, ¨Donˇt get any ideas. Iˇm only driving you home. Youˇd be a lousy screw, in your condition.〃
He smiled wider than she had seen him do since knowing him again. She gathered up her belongings and he followed her out the back door, which did not go unnoticed by the staff they passed along the way.
She cranked the car engine. ¨Okay, fareˇs running. Where to?〃
¨Go to Van Ness, and then just keep going.〃
She set out in that direction. Once she had turned onto Van Ness, she said, ¨Whenˇs my next turn?〃
She got no response, and turned to find him asleep, leaning against the window.
¨Hey.〃 She shook him awake.
He looked disoriented. ¨Where are we? 〃
¨Van Ness. Youˇre gonna have to find a way to stay awake.〃
He rolled down the window and turned on the stereo. A Pink Floyd song cut through the quiet.
Frantically, Julia jabbed at the button and missed several times before successfully shutting it off again. But not before several lines of the albatross song drifted into his ears.
¨Hey,〃 he said. ¨Was that actually on the radio?〃
She said nothing, just looked straight ahead, her face and ears burning.
How the hell could I have forgotten about that? Damn, damn, damn.
She could not remember the last time she had ever felt so embarrassed. Now she was in worse shape to drive than he was.
Though he seemed pretty wide awake by now. He stared straight ahead, as well. He didnˇt embarrass her further by pointing out the obvious. She had been listening to a CD. His CD. The one he had given her long ago.
¨Iˇm sorry,〃 she practically wailed.
¨What in Godˇs name do you have to be sorry for?〃
She let herself peek, just out of the corner of her eye. He was smiling now, almost giddy. He said, ¨Turn here.〃
He said it almost too late, as if he had been distracted. And no wonder. She slammed on the brakes, skidded around the corner.
¨Sorry,〃 she said again.
Still, he grinned. A minute later, he said, ¨Turn here.〃
She turned again, and then he pointed up the street, past the next intersection. ¨Pull up here. This is it.〃
She stopped in front of his building in an up-and-coming but still gritty neighborhood, surrounded by corner markets, liquor stores, and taquerias. She gripped the steering wheel and stared straight ahead.
¨Hey,〃 he said softly. He reached across, grasped both of her forearms. Tried unsuccessfully to loosen her grip. ¨Hey. Relax.〃
She let go of the steering wheel. He turned her anguished face toward his. Made her look at him.
¨Itˇs okay,〃 he said .