4. 4
But the shame was still too palpable. She turned away, faced forward.
He put his hand on hers. ¨Remember when you heard me singing that song at the pub?〃
She smiled at him now. They had never acknowledged it before.
She picked up his arm. Pushed his sleeve back and ran her fingers back and forth across the mermaid. After a moment, he touched her chin. Lifted her face to his, and whispered, ¨I still love you.〃
¨I still love you, too.〃
He held her hand against his heart, wove his fingers through hers. Brushed his other hand across her cheek, and kissed her lips.
¨I canˇt believe this is happening,〃 he said.
¨Me neither.〃
¨Park your car.〃
¨Arenˇt you tired?〃
¨Iˇm wide awake. I wonˇt get any sleep without you.〃
Her pulse stampeded out of control. ¨Okay.〃
She parked where he directed her to. He took her hand and led her around the corner, down the street to his building, up the stairs.
He let her inside the apartment and closed and locked the door behind him. There was no need to pretend about what they were there for; he took her straight to the bedroom. He lifted the hat off of her head and set it aside. Put his hands all through her hair, and kissed her mouth.
He untied her scarf and pulled it off of her. Lifted the sweater off over her head, opened her bra, and let it fall to the floor. Then he lifted the shirt off of himself so she could feel her skin against his.
She reached up and touched the chain at the back of his neck. Traced it down to the small pendant just below his collarbone. Some patron saint. Then she took his finger and traced it down the silver chain around her own neck, to the mermaid pendant lying against her chest.
Her senses blurred into one another. She had forgotten the way every nerve ending in her body could scintillate; that even her salivary glands responded. The way his eyes locked on hers as she rose over him, reached down between their bodies, and helped him inside of her. The way his hands felt, kneading her breasts, sliding over her torso, resting in the space between her rib cage and her hips while he moved inside of her. She was only sorry that, as ever, he could not last long in that way, but it was gratifying to remember how her body responded in turn to his hands, his fingers, his tongue. How his little involuntary vocalizations tipped her so effortlessly over the edge. The fact that he was the one who could do this to her made sleep fitful, interrupted repeatedly by his body pressing for more.
At four oˇclock in the morning, Julia said, ¨I need to go soon.〃
He flipped her around onto her back and pinned her arms to the bed. ¨I wonˇt let you.〃
She smiled. ¨Paige is going to wake up in a few hours.〃
¨You need your own place.〃
¨That wonˇt happen any time soon.〃
¨Why not?〃
¨Kevinˇs name is on the deed to the house. I canˇt sell it without his signature.〃
He touched the mermaid pendant lying against her skin. ¨Move in with me.〃
¨I canˇt do that.〃
¨I donˇt care what anyone thinks.〃
¨Itˇs more than that. I have a daughter, and she just lost her father. Itˇs way too soon.〃
He looked sober. He let go of her arms and lay alongside her, propping himself up on one elbow. ¨How much longer until youˇre divorced?〃
She shook her head. ¨Itˇs hard to say. Since heˇs missing, the lawyer has to show that weˇve conducted a diligent search for him. If they still donˇt find him, we get an Order of Publication and publish a legal notice in the newspaper. We publish it three times, then wait for thirty days. If thereˇs no response, then I get my divorce.〃
William frowned and shook his head in disbelief. ¨What kind of a man would do this to you? To his child?〃 At the look on Juliaˇs face, he said, ¨Iˇm sorry. 〃
¨Itˇs a fair question.〃
After a momentˇs hesitation, he said, ¨Did you never see this coming? You saw no signs that he was capable of something like this?〃
She rolled onto her side, touched the chain around his neck. ¨Kevin was the shoulder I leaned on after you and I broke up. He didnˇt tell me right away that he had feelings for me, but he broke it off with his fiancee. And even though we bonded over our aquariums, we still didnˇt start dating until my grandmother died two years later. He drove me all the way up to San Francisco and came with me to the funeral. He was so kind to me. And when I found myself pregnant, he was so excited. He said he would quit working on his PhD and go to work at his dadˇs firm. And I had lost my passion for marine biology. It was too easy to let myself just get married, and have a baby, and do that with my life. It made him so happy, so no I didnˇt see any of it coming before we got married.〃
¨But afterward?〃
¨Afterward, yeah; I could see him becoming disillusioned. I admit it I was never quite as invested in the relationship in the first place. Having Paige shifted my priorities even further away. And Kevin - he hated his work, but once we had Paige, he felt trapped there. His parents looked down their noses at me, and they never tried to hide it. But I still never imagined heˇd do something like this.〃
He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, but said nothing more. She still touched his chain, and fingered the pendant at the end of it. He looked down at it and said, ¨Saint Peter. Patron saint of fishermen. My mother gave it to me when I went to Alaska. It kept me safe for five years, so I just kept wearing it.〃
¨But you got hurt in the end.〃
¨Hurt, yes, but Iˇm here.〃
¨I lost a lot of sleep after I heard youˇd gone up there.〃
¨Why didnˇt you try to reach me?〃
¨I did.〃 At the look of shock on his face, she explained, ¨After my dad told me that youˇd gone to Alaska, I asked your mother for your contact information there. I sent a letter to you at some processing plant in a town called Unalaska, but it came back saying ˉReturn to Sender.ˇ〃
¨When did you mail it? 〃
¨December 1996.〃
He considered a moment. ¨I think I know why I didnˇt get it. King crab season was really short that year. I ended up going caribou hunting with a group of other guys.〃
¨You went caribou hunting?〃
He looked sharply at her. ¨Yeah?〃
¨You shot a caribou?〃
¨Uh oh. Am I in trouble?〃
¨Jesus. Youˇre Ernest Hemingway.〃
He smiled. ¨Letˇs not get carried away.〃
¨Weˇll come back to this later. So you were caribou hunting?〃
¨Yeah, and when I got back to Dutch Harbor, I found my boat had gone back south because they closed tanner crab season that year, too. So then I took a berth on a trawler, fishing pollock. But the trawler picked up its mail from a different processing plant than the crab boat did.〃
¨So you think I sent the letter to the wrong processing plant?〃
¨Thatˇs my guess.〃 He looked sadly at her. ¨I wish you had just tried again.〃
¨I thought surely you must have gotten over me.〃
He took her hand and kissed it. ¨I told you youˇd always have my heart.〃
She peered at him. ¨What would you have done?〃
¨I would have come straight home.〃
She touched her forehead to his hand and shook her head in dismay. He lifted her face to his and kissed her. Pulled away again, and smiled tenderly at her. ¨Do you want to see the pictures I took while I was in Alaska?〃
Her eyes widened. ¨You brought your camera there with you?〃
¨Of course I did. That thingˇs like an extra limb.〃
¨Where are they?〃
He got up and put on his boxers and pants. She got dressed and followed him into the living room. He rifled through a bookshelf and retrieved a couple of photo albums. ¨I got these developed whenever I could, and mailed them home to my mom. She stuck them all in albums for me and gave them to me when I came home. 〃
He brought them to the couch and she sat down next to him. He opened them and pointed to the town pictures on the first page.
¨This is Dutch Harbor. Ground zero for much of the Alaska fishing industry.〃
¨It looks like a beautiful place.〃
¨This was a very rare clear day. But it is kind of beautiful. I especially liked the Russian Orthodox church in town.〃
He flipped through some more shots of just the church, then moved on to photos of the boats he worked on, the characters who populated those boats, and the wildlife he saw.
¨Iˇve kept the negatives for all of these. Iˇve actually managed to sell some of them at art shows. Blown up and framed, of course. And while I was still in Alaska, I got some of them made into postcards, which were sold at tourist traps.〃
¨Where are you in all this?〃
He smiled. ¨My mom had the same question after a while. So I had some buddies take one or two pictures of me.〃
¨Let me see.〃
Sheepishly, he flipped to the end of the first album. Pointed to a picture of himself aboard a crab boat, in full foul-weather gear, next to a full crab pot he had just pulled.
¨You had a beard!〃 she exclaimed.
¨It helped keep me warm up there. Plus, I didnˇt have a lot of time for shaving.〃
¨It looks like you had just pulled up a fortune in crab. Why arenˇt you smiling?〃
¨I am.〃
¨Barely.〃 She rubbed him on the back, where his caged albatross still was. ¨What year would this have been?〃
¨I guess that was around December of ˇ98.〃
She tried to think of what she was doing around that time in her life, and realized with a poignant twinge that she would have been nine months pregnant in Menlo Park while he was off slinging crab pots in the Bering Sea.
¨Did you say there were a couple?〃 she asked after a moment.
¨You donˇt want to see the other one. 〃
¨You donˇt get to say that and then not show it to me.〃
¨It was while I was caribou hunting.〃
¨Let me guess. Animal carnage is involved.〃 She waved it over. ¨Bring it on.〃
He opened the other album and flipped through it until he came to the caribou hunt. Showed her the pictures of the wilderness and of the animals that he hadnˇt slaughtered.
¨Please tell me this is the only shooting you did on that trip,〃 she said.
¨Iˇm afraid not. But this is how I learned that Iˇm actually a terrible marksman. The guys kindly let me pose with one of the animals they shot.〃
He pointed to a picture of himself next to a dead, hanging caribou.
¨Kind indeed,〃 she said. ¨But I donˇt believe you. I think you really shot that thing, and youˇre just telling me you didnˇt so I wonˇt hate you.〃
¨Well, Iˇm happy to let you believe that if you want.〃
¨Bad answer. Now I will hate you.〃
¨You wonˇt hate me,〃 he said, setting the albums aside and lifting her into his lap, facing him. ¨Iˇm the guy whoˇs going to make you breakfast.〃
¨Oh, very well then. Thatˇs worth at least one dead caribou.〃
¨Donˇt get too excited. Itˇll probably just be an omelet. Breakfast is not my forte.〃
¨What, a couple of bachelors donˇt keep fresh fruit and yogurt around?〃
He kissed her and said, ¨Iˇd rather have you again for breakfast.〃
¨Iˇd love to lay the buffet out for you, but Father Time has other ideas.〃
He laughed and stood up with her then, lowering her feet to the floor. She followed him into the kitchen and stood behind him, putting her hands on his waist as he diced vegetables and ham. With a sidelong smile at her, he reached into the refrigerator and pulled out some fruit.
¨You do have fruit!〃 she exclaimed, then looked suspiciously at him. ¨Do you eat like this every day? 〃
¨Out of an abundance of optimism, I made a run to the grocery store yesterday.〃
She laughed, and watched him chop the fruit. He broke eggs into a bowl and whisked them. Sauteed the vegetables, and cooked the omelet. Served her at the little table in the living room.
After a while, she said, ¨Iˇll drive you back to your what are you driving these days?〃
He smiled, shoveled a bite of food in his mouth and chewed it, but said nothing.
After breakfast, he finished getting dressed. From the clothes he put on, she knew he must still have a motorcycle. She followed him downstairs and back to her car, then drove him back to the pier.
¨Right over here,〃 he said, pointing.
She knew it as soon as she saw it. ¨Youˇve got to be kidding me. Is that the same exact one?〃
¨The very same,〃 he said, rather proudly.
¨How is that thing even still running after all these years?〃
¨My brother kept it for me while I was in Alaska. Heˇs kept it running for me all these years. Best mechanic in the city.〃
She looked around to make sure no one was watching, then leaned over and kissed him.
He said, ¨I donˇt know how Iˇm going to wait until I can see you again.〃
She didnˇt try to tease him, for once. ¨Me neither.〃
He put his forehead on hers. ¨Hurry up and get that new place, okay?〃
She kissed him again. ¨See you later at work.〃
She watched him go and made up her mind then and there what she was going to do.
Julia unlocked the front door as quietly as possible. The whole house was still quiet, the morning sunlight just beginning to stream through the curtains .
She made her way up the stairs and opened the door to Paigeˇs room just a crack. Peeked through, and opened it wider.
Paige was gone.
She ran downstairs. ¨Paige?〃 No response.
She threw open the door and found the light already on.
¨Paige?〃
¨Hi, Mom!〃
Julia felt weak with relief as she saw her daughterˇs face smiling up at her. Paige still wore her pajamas, but she was standing on a chair, feeding the fish.
¨Not too much!〃 Julia warned her. ¨Remember, only as much as they can eat in five minutes. Overfeeding is worse than underfeeding.〃
¨I know,〃 Paige replied cheerfully.
¨Paige, why are you down here at this time of the morning?〃
¨I couldnˇt sleep.〃
¨Why not?〃
¨I was too excited about getting our clownfish today. I went to your room to wake you up, but I couldnˇt find you. Where were you?〃
Juliaˇs heart sank. She had completely forgotten about their planned trip to the local fish store. She decided to sidestep Paigeˇs question.
¨Before we get any new fish, we should test the water to make sure itˇs safe. Would you like me to show you how?〃
Paige beamed and nodded, and Julia showed Paige how to perform the pH test and hydrometer check.
¨I know itˇs your aquarium,〃 said Julia, ¨but you should never do this without either me or Grandma here to watch you.〃
¨I know. One day, when Iˇm working for your aquarium company, I can do it myself.〃
Again, Juliaˇs heart sank. And again, rather than dash Paigeˇs dreams, she decided to change the subject.
¨Instead of going to the fish store, how about we bring one of our clownfish back with us from the house in Menlo Park?〃
¨Can I go say hi to Emily while Iˇm there?〃
Julia looked apprehensively at her. Saying hi to Emily meant saying hi to Emilyˇs mom, and Julia felt so far removed from everyone and everything in that neighborhood by now. But as she thought about it, she realized that she had not heard Paige mention any new friends in the city.
¨Do you have any friends around here that you like to play with? We could go say hi to them after we get home.〃
Paigeˇs smile faded a bit, and she turned toward her tank. ¨Not really.〃
With a pang of guilt, Julia said, ¨If Emilyˇs home, then yes, we can say hi.〃
Paige hopped down from her chair in front of the tank. ¨Oh, I almost forgot!〃
¨What?〃
Paige ran to the clothesline that Julia had strung along the wall, pulled down a sheet of easel paper that she had hung there, and brought it for Julia to see.
¨Another painting for your room,〃 Paige explained.¨Can you tell what they are?〃
¨Of course I can! Clownfish, pseudochromis, goby, firefish,〃 Julia said, pointing to each one in turn. She hugged Paige around the shoulders. ¨This is perfect. Itˇs just like having an aquarium in my room again.〃
¨Youˇre both up early,〃 came a voice from the door. They looked up to find Juliaˇs mother making her way into the in-law unit.
¨Itˇs clownfish day,〃 explained Julia.
¨Oh, right,〃 said her mother, smiling. ¨This calls for a special breakfast. French toast?〃
Paige actually jumped up and down for joy, a sight Julia hadnˇt seen in a very long time. Her motherˇs eyes widened at Julia as Paige pushed past them up the stairs.
But while Paige watched cartoons and Julia helped her mother in the kitchen, Julia said, ¨Mom, does Paige ever play with any of the kids around here?〃
¨Who would she play with?〃
¨What do you mean? Thereˇs plenty of kids around here.〃
¨Julia, I donˇt even recognize this neighborhood anymore. All the Irish families have moved away or died. For that matter, all the white families of any stripe are gone. Thereˇs nothing but Chinese people around here now.〃
¨So? Chinese kids play, too.〃
Her mother cast her a bemused look. ¨Half of them donˇt even speak English. Besides, they keep themselves to themselves. When you and Alison were kids, everyone on this block used to leave their doors open. You kids would run in and out of each otherˇs houses.〃
¨So Paige has no friends around here?〃
Her mother shrugged. ¨Weˇre a bit isolated here. I tried to warn you. Even the school is mostly Chinese now.〃
Julia frowned and peered out at Paige in the living room. Paige looked content enough, planted in front of the TV with her cartoons. But Julia made a mental note to herself to check in with Paigeˇs teacher the next week and see if she had made any friends there.
Julia really meant to be as discreet as possible at work. But to her dismay, William took every opportunity of falling in step behind her and whispering, ¨How much longer until your break?〃
She found herself watching him work that night, the sleeves of his white jacket rolled up, the black on his forearms flashing as he deftly managed six things on the grill at the same time. The Saint Peter chain peeking out from underneath his collar. Shouting in Spanish with the other cooks, the sweat glowing on all of his exposed skin.
If Carla is right and he has a reputation, she thought, then this is how he got the opportunity.
The next day as she passed his station on the way in to work, William took her hand and pulled her into the corridor that led out back.
¨Come with me into the alley,〃 he pleaded.
¨Iˇm not going anywhere with you. I see that look on your face, and I know what it means.〃
¨Iˇll keep my hands to myself. Scoutˇs honor.〃
¨Youˇre no Boy Scout.〃
He groaned in frustration. ¨Iˇm going to rent you an apartment. 〃
¨Calm down. No youˇre not.〃
¨Yes I am.〃
¨How?〃
¨Donˇt worry about that. Iˇm going to do it.〃