4. 8
¨Youˇre damn right you do.〃
¨But Iˇd like for you to hear me out.〃
¨What do you think weˇre here for?〃
Kevin spotted Paigeˇs aquarium. He went to peer at it a moment.
¨Youˇve really made it a home,〃 he remarked.
Julia glanced at the clock on the wall. ¨Now you have twenty-eight minutes.〃
Kevin sat on the couch. Julia took a seat in the armchair and waited.
¨I have no excuse for what I did,〃 he began. ¨It was selfishness of the highest order. It was so far beyond the pale that it deserves no forgiveness.〃
¨I still want some explanation of what you were thinking when you did it.〃
¨I panicked,〃 he said. After a moment of struggling to find words, he added, ¨I guess I was having some sort of a mid-life crisis. To be honest, the thoughts that were running through my mind sound insane to me now. I was thinking that my life was over. That I had sacrificed my ideals and dreams to the whims of another person.〃
¨Donˇt you dare try to blame me.〃
¨No, not you. My father. I was following his dream for my life, not my own. Going to work for his firm. Buying a house in west Menlo and living that lifestyle.〃
¨Oh, you poor little rich kid.〃
¨No, you donˇt understand.〃
¨No, you donˇt understand. You have no idea what itˇs like to wonder if youˇll have enough money at the end of the bills to buy groceries for your child. To wonder how youˇll ever afford to put a roof over her head. These are all real problems that real people have. Real people would kill to have problems like you had.〃
Sheepishly, he said, ¨Youˇre right. Youˇre absolutely right. I saw first-hand what it means to struggle for survival. I saw things that would break most people in our part of the world. They couldnˇt just run away, like I did. They had to endure.〃
¨Paige and I are not something to be endured.〃
¨No, I didnˇt mean that you and Paige were the problem. The problem was me. I didnˇt have the courage to continue the life I had started, and I didnˇt have the courage to change it. I didnˇt even give you and Paige the chance to either accept the changes, or not.〃
¨Iˇve always told you that if studying marine biology or joining the Foreign Service was what you wanted to do with your life, then thatˇs what you should do.〃
¨Yes, but the more entrenched we became in our lifestyle, the less chance I saw of disentangling us all from it. I felt like it was too late.〃
¨Well, Iˇm sorry you didnˇt believe me when I told you otherwise. But you were wrong.〃
He shifted in his seat, grasping for the right words. ¨Julia, Iˇll do whatever it takes to make it up to you and Paige. Please donˇt tell me itˇs too late.〃
¨It absolutely is too late. There is a less than zero percent chance of me taking you back. And you have no concept of how badly youˇve hurt Paige. It has taken months of therapy for her to stop crying for you on a daily basis. Thereˇs no way Iˇm letting you back in.〃
His eyebrows knit together. ¨Julia, I know you find this hard to believe, given the way I treated you. But I love you. I really, truly do. And I always have, ever since that marine biology summer camp. Youˇre such a unique spirit. When I think of how Iˇve failed you and Paige, I donˇt know how Iˇll ever forgive myself if you donˇt give me a chance to make it right. Because I can promise you, I can swear to you now that I will.〃
Julia scowled at him. ¨I donˇt love you anymore. Iˇd like you to leave now, and never come back.〃
He looked stricken, but he said, ¨I will leave, for now. But Iˇm entitled to see Paige.〃
¨Donˇt threaten me.〃
¨Iˇm not threatening you, Julia. Itˇs a simple fact. I want to rebuild my relationship with her, even if I canˇt with you.〃
¨Weˇll see about that.〃
He dragged himself to his feet. She followed him out the door, closed and locked it behind her. Turned to him and said, ¨Go back to Atherton. Youˇll be hearing from my lawyer this week. Donˇt call me or come by here again.〃
She watched him get in his car and drive away. Then she set off in the direction of her parentsˇ house. The walk would clear her head and calm her spirits. When she finally got to the house and found Paige in the living room with her mother, she had enough peace of mind to calmly answer Paigeˇs inquiries after her father.
¨Paige, Mom, I want you all to listen to me.〃 She sat down in the middle of the living room floor and waved Paige over to her. ¨Paige, thereˇs something you need to understand. Your daddy will not be living with us anymore.〃
¨Julia,〃 said her mother.
¨Iˇm telling her the facts.〃
¨But Mommy,〃 said Paige, ¨wonˇt I get to see him again?〃
Julia softened. ¨Yes, Paige, you will see him again. But he wonˇt be living with us.〃
Paige looked stricken. Then she slowly buried her face in Juliaˇs shoulder and began to cry. Julia wrapped her arm around her, stroked and patted her back. She turned to her mother. ¨Iˇll say it again. The sooner we can move forward from here, the sooner we can all begin to heal.〃
Her mother looked chastened, and said nothing more. Then Julia took Paige home, fed her dinner, and put her to bed .
That night, after his shift, she updated William over the phone on the dayˇs events. He seemed satisfied by her account of everything she had said to both Kevin and her mother.
¨Can I come home?〃 he asked after a while.
She realized that by home, he meant her place. Slowly, she said, ¨I guess you should go to your apartment. Thatˇs what Erin would tell me to say, at least until we see what Kevinˇs lawyer comes up with. I really donˇt want them finding a way to involve you in all this nastiness.〃
¨I think thatˇs unavoidable.〃 He hesitated, then said, ¨I really want to come home. Please say I can.〃
¨Oh, God. Okay.〃
At the municipal pier on Saturday, as Julia watched William show Paige how to assemble the crabbing rig, bait the cage with chicken pieces, and pick up the crabs without getting pinched, she wondered if one year was really too long to wait.
When they had filled their catch bucket with as many crabs as they thought they could cook, William said, ¨Can you drive me over to the restaurant now? Thereˇs something I want to show you while weˇre down there. Itˇs very close.〃
¨What is it?〃
¨Itˇs a secret.〃
They loaded the spoils of the day into her trunk and drove the short distance to the restaurant. When they got out, he brought them right across the pier to a lovely little brown wood-framed building she had known all her life.
¨The Fishermanˇs Chapel? This is what you wanted to show me?〃
¨But have you ever been inside it?〃
¨Well, a long time ago, when I was a kid. But I didnˇt pay much attention to it then.〃
¨Come inside. Let me show you.〃
¨Youˇre taking us to a church?〃 Paige said, giving William the stink eye .
¨Not a church. A chapel. Thereˇs something inside I want to show you both.〃
Just above the double doors of the entrance was a stained glass window bearing the image of a nautical steering wheel. The sunlight streamed into the chapel through that window.
¨Itˇs beautiful,〃 Julia murmured. ¨I never got to see the colors properly before.〃
¨Over here is what I wanted to show you.〃
He led them over to a wall bearing plaques with scores of names on them. Most of the names were Italian.
¨Fishermen lost at sea,〃 he explained. He pointed to some of the names. ¨Including Cardones. My motherˇs family.〃
Paige was thoroughly unimpressed, but Julia knew this hadnˇt been intended for her. She looked around at the interior of the chapel. At the front, a picture window overlooked the water. The altar that sat before it was a simple affair draped in green, adorned with plain white candles. Underneath a peaked brown wooden beam ceiling, wooden pews lined the sides of the chapel, divided by a center aisle. It was simple, unpretentious, and poetic.
¨We should do it here,〃 she said.
He turned to look at her with wide eyes. ¨Do what?〃
So that Paige wouldnˇt hear, she whispered, ¨Get married.〃
He almost grabbed her before remembering Paige. ¨Thatˇs exactly what I was hoping you would say.〃
¨Itˇs perfect.〃
¨Yes.〃 She could tell it was killing him that he couldnˇt touch her.
At that moment, Paige tugged on Juliaˇs arm. ¨Mommy, this is boring. Letˇs go.〃
Julia smiled at William, and as they exited the chapel, she said, ¨William has to go to work now, Paige. What do you say to him for the fun day?〃
¨Thank you,〃 Paige said.
¨Youˇre welcome,〃 he replied. To Juliaˇs surprise, he leaned into her ear and whispered, ¨Iˇve never been so happy in my entire life as I am right now.〃
He drew back again, and smiled at her with his eyes crinkled up in their distinctive way. He turned to go, his gaze lingering on her a moment longer.
¨What did he say, Mommy?〃 Paige asked.
¨He said he was happy.〃 And Julia, watching him go, knew she was too.
When he crawled in bed that night and wrapped his arms around her, she woke up just enough to mumble, ¨Iˇll marry you in six months.〃
He squeezed her, but said nothing. Just let her drift back to sleep as he touched the mermaid pendant around her neck.
The next night, William said, ¨The band has a gig this Tuesday, at MacGowanˇs again. Do you think your sister can babysit that night, so you can come?〃
¨I donˇt know. Iˇd have to check.〃
He brushed the hair out of her face. ¨Iˇd love for you to come. Hear me sing properly this time.〃
She laughed a little bit at the memory of that. ¨Iˇd love that, too. Let me call my sister tomorrow.〃
Alison was available for babysitting, and on Monday, Julia asked Holly if sheˇd like to accompany her.
¨Only if you promise to hook me up with the drummer.〃
Tuesday night found them at the pub, sitting in the front room this time, watching the band set up for their show and enjoying a pint of Guinness.
¨You know, I talked to the drummer the last time we were here, and heˇs actually Irish,〃 said Holly. ¨As in, from Ireland. Unlike that wannabe Irish brother of Williamˇs.〃
¨Well, they are Irish-American.〃
¨Separated by what, five generations?〃 Holly shook her head. ¨Wearing those political T-shirts like he has a freaking clue what itˇs all about.〃
Julia smiled. ¨Well, you donˇt want to get involved with a musician, anyway. Theyˇre a complicated lot. 〃
¨Is that supposed to discourage me? Because it failed epically.〃
Julia laughed, and a moment later Mike introduced the band. Since his stint in rehab he had put on some weight, cropped his black hair close to his head, and removed most of his facial piercings.
The band started in on their set, rendering conversation impossible. William sang back-up vocals, a point Julia hadnˇt picked up on during the last show she heard. He also played lead guitar remarkably well, and Julia marveled again at his self-effacing assessment of his own talents.
At one point in the show, Mike stepped back and let William take center stage in front of the microphone.
¨Every time I play with these guys, I sing one particular song,〃 William said quietly, almost whispering. ¨What Iˇve never said before is that I wrote that song twelve years ago for one particular girl.〃
¨Oh, no,〃 said Julia, leaning back in her chair and covering her mouth with her hands. Holly laughed and patted Julia on the shoulder for support.
¨Well, I can still hardly believe it,〃 William continued, ¨but that girl is back in my life and sitting here right now. So I get to sing it to her tonight. Julie, I love you so much.〃
To Juliaˇs dismay, most of the eyes in the audience followed his gaze to her. She felt flattered, yes, but also keenly embarrassed by all the unexpected attention. Her face and her ears burned fiercely.
With that, the band launched into the song. Mike grinned briefly out at her, the rest of the band members smirked down at their instruments, and the eyes of the audience lingered on her.
Julia knew it had taken him a lot of courage to do that, so she somehow found the courage to lower her hands from her face, to beam up at William as he sang his ballad to her. She had never heard the lyrics paired with a melody before, and it was much more of an indie-folk song than anything else that the band played. Like all of his songs and poems, it would not have been obvious that it was about his feelings for her, had he not just informed the entire audience. Sometimes he had to drop his eyes down to his guitar to steel his nerves, but he made it all the way through, and the audience cheered enthusiastically at the end for both of them.
The band launched into their next song, and the eyes of the audience drifted away from her finally. When the band took a break in its set, she touched Holly on the arm.
¨Iˇve got to go make a pit stop.〃
¨Iˇm gonna go hit on the drummer,〃 said Holly.
Julia grinned and found her way to the ladiesˇ room. She found an open spot in front of the mirror, pulled a tube of lip gloss out of her purse, and began re-applying it.
A moment later, the restroom door opened. The woman who passed through it locked eyes on Juliaˇs reflection in the mirror. Julia smiled sheepishly back at the womanˇs reflection, attributing the attention to the recent serenade she had received.
But the woman did not smile back. She was slim and very tall, with sleek dark hair pulled back into a ponytail and large, dark eyes. Her face would have been very pretty, if it hadnˇt been for the scowl it wore at the moment.
¨So youˇre the flavor of the month,〃 she said.
The hand applying Juliaˇs lip gloss suddenly felt very heavy. She stared back at the womanˇs reflection in the mirror. ¨What?〃
¨Do you think youˇre the only woman heˇs written a song for?〃
In the mirror, Julia saw her own jaw slackening. She turned to face the woman and said, ¨What are you talking about?〃
She sneered. ¨Has he moved in with you yet?〃
The whole world reeled. Noise rushed around inside of her head as if she were standing inside of a tin can.
¨He has, hasnˇt he?〃 She shook her head. ¨Just donˇt let him get you pregnant. Heˇs not the marrying type.〃
The woman turned. Walked out of the restroom. Vanished back into the nowhere she came out of.
¨I have to go now.〃
Julia snatched Hollyˇs hand, jerking her away from her tete-a-tete with the drummer.
¨What?〃 sputtered Holly. ¨Whatˇs the matter? 〃
¨Iˇll tell you and Alison at the same time when I get home. I donˇt want to have to tell this twice.〃
Julia didnˇt even look at William as she made a beeline out of the pub. On the sidewalk, Holly said, ¨Can you even give me a little hint?〃
¨No.〃
Holly followed her silently all the way back to her house. When they unlocked the front door and clambered up the stairs to the living room, Alison sprang to her feet.
¨Why are you home so early?〃
Julia collapsed on the sofa, speechless. Alison looked to Holly, who said, ¨I donˇt know yet.〃
Alison sat down next to Julia, snatched her hands. ¨Julie, tell me whatˇs wrong.〃
Julia told them everything.
Alison looked sober. ¨Sheˇs a bitter ex-girlfriend.〃
¨What about the part where he got her pregnant and wouldnˇt marry her?〃
¨We probably only have part of the story. Sheˇs trying to sabotage you and William. Let him tell you his side.〃
Holly shook her head. ¨I knew he was too good to be true. They always are.〃
Alison glared at her. ¨Thank you, Holly. I can take it from here, if youˇd like to go home now.〃
Holly came to hug Julia around the shoulders. ¨Iˇm sorry. Call me later if you want.〃
¨With comfort like yours, Iˇm sure she wonˇt,〃 Alison replied curtly.
Holly looked chastened, and left the house. Once she was gone, Alison grasped Julia by the arms and made her look in her eyes.
¨I know how na?ve and inexperienced you are, so let me just tell you right now do not jump to conclusions here. It may be that little or none of this is true. But most importantly, remember that heˇs only human. We canˇt all be as saintly and virginal as you.〃
¨Iˇm not saintly or virginal.〃
¨Compared to me, you are.〃
¨Oh, thatˇs a high bar. 〃
¨Compared to most people, you are. How many men have you been with?〃
¨Two.〃
¨Thatˇs what I thought. Many of us have been around the block a bit more. It doesnˇt have to mean heˇs a scumbag.〃
¨Well, what if it turns out he is a scumbag? What if he has a kid out there that heˇs never told me about?〃
¨Then Iˇll cut his balls off personally and feed them to my cat.〃
Alison grinned, and Julia couldnˇt help giving her a halfhearted smile in return.
¨Can I get you a glass of wine or something?〃
Julia nodded and Alison went to the kitchen. When she returned, she carried a glass for each of them. She sat next to Julia on the couch, turned on the TV, and let Julia rest her head on her shoulder while they tried to watch.
All too soon, they heard the tell-tale rumble of motorcycle pipes. Julia sat up, her stomach churning with so many butterflies that she felt nauseous. Alison squeezed her hand for support.
¨Do you want me to stay or go?〃
¨Go,〃 said Julia. ¨Thank you.〃
William appeared then in the living room, and Alison practically sprinted out the door.
¨I was just leaving,〃 she called over her shoulder.
After watching her go, William said, ¨What was that about?〃
Julia stared grimly at him. He sat next to her on the couch.
¨What happened tonight? Why did you leave?〃
Julia sprang to her feet, moved across the room from him.
¨Hey,〃 he said. ¨Whatˇs the matter?〃
¨I had an interesting conversation in the ladiesˇ room. A woman Iˇve never seen before in my life came up to me out of the blue. Would you like to hear a more or less exact transcript of the conversation we had?〃
¨If itˇs going to shed some light on whatˇs going on, then yeah.〃
Julia ran down the conversation with him, except for the worst part, hoping he would be forthcoming with that information himself. ¨It was actually more of a monologue on her part, since I was too stunned to reply much. 〃
William sat rooted to his spot on the couch, looking for all the world like a deer in the headlights.
¨Then itˇs true,〃 she said.
¨Yes.〃
¨Youˇve lived with other women?〃
¨Yes, two. At different times, of course. Never for more than a year.〃
¨Why didnˇt you tell me?〃
¨It never came up in conversation. You never asked.〃
¨But you wrote her a song?〃
¨You once told me that you did a bang-up job of convincing yourself that you were over me, and that you were in love with someone else. Well, thatˇs what I tried to do, too. I told you that I had not been celibate all this time, but that I was never in love.〃
¨How many women have you been with?〃
For a moment, he looked like a deer in the headlights again. Then, steeling himself, he said quietly, ¨I donˇt know.〃
¨Oh, Jesus.〃
¨Less than fifteen, for sure,〃 he added quickly.
¨Jesus Christ. Did you try to convince yourself that you were in love with all of them, too?〃
¨No.〃
¨That woman in the bathroom. How long ago was that?〃
He blinked, and looked flustered a moment. ¨I think it was three years ago.〃
¨You think?〃
He shook his head, as if to clear it. ¨I Iˇm not sure which one it was. I told you I lived with two women. But the one I wrote the song for was three years ago.〃
Julia shifted her weight, crossed her arms. ¨She said, ˉDonˇt let him get you pregnant. Heˇs not the marrying type.ˇ〃
William put his hand to his mouth. ¨Oh, shit.〃
¨Itˇs true?〃
He came over to Julia and tried to grab her hands, but she flinched backward. She could see his hands shaking. After collecting himself, he said, ¨She did get pregnant. I swear to you, I told her that I would help take care of the baby if she wanted to have it. But I wouldnˇt marry her because I didnˇt love her. If a kidˇs parents are married, they should love each other. In the end, she decided to have an abortion.〃 He peered intently at her. ¨You know how much I love you and want to marry you. Of course I would marry you if you were pregnant. Of course I would take care of you both.〃
¨Will, why was she there tonight? Is she stalking you or something?〃
¨No. I donˇt think so.〃 After a momentˇs hesitation, he explained, ¨Iˇm guessing itˇs just a coincidence she was there tonight. Sheˇs from this neighborhood.〃
¨Like I said, Iˇve never seen her before in my life.〃
¨Sheˇs younger than us. She went to Lincoln with Kelly.〃
He watched her keenly as the knife twisted itself in her heart. After a while, he said gently, ¨Whatˇs going through your mind right now?〃
¨To be honest, I donˇt know what to think or believe.〃
¨I never lied to you. If you had ever asked me about my past relationships, I would have told you. But really, how helpful or relevant would that have been? Please tell me you understand.〃
¨Iˇm trying to understand. I want to believe you.〃
¨I donˇt think Iˇve done anything wrong, except to lead someone to believe that I loved them when I didnˇt.〃
¨Maybe not. But to be honest, Iˇm thinking of all the times weˇve made love. Then Iˇm picturing you doing all those things to her, and to a dozen other women. And Iˇm having a really hard time with that.〃
He reached for her, but still she resisted. He said, ¨Iˇve flailed around in life, looking for some way to forget about you. But I love you. Iˇve never loved anyone else.〃
¨See, now Iˇm thinking that sounds an awful lot like a line. Youˇve had plenty of practice.〃
¨Do you really think thatˇs what Iˇve been doing all this time? Feeding you lines?〃
¨Thatˇs a very skillful response. It gives an answer, without really answering anything.〃
¨Jesus, Julie, what do you want me to say? I still donˇt think Iˇve been so very bad. 〃
Julia glowered at him, but said nothing.
¨Julie, my jealousy once broke us up. Please, letˇs not do this again.〃
¨Can you just give me a while to process all this?〃
¨How long is this going to take?〃
¨I canˇt give you a time frame on a thing like that.〃
He looked defeated. ¨Iˇll go to my apartment now. But can I call you tomorrow?〃
Julia hesitated. ¨Okay.〃
He walked to the staircase that led down to the front door. Gave her one somber look before turning to go down the stairs.
She waited until she heard his motorcycle fade into the distance before calling her sisterˇs cell phone.
¨Whatˇs the story?〃 Alison said the moment she answered.
Julia ran down the conversation with her.
¨Julie,〃 said Alison. ¨Fifteen women in eleven years is nothing . Thatˇs like, one or two per year.〃
¨It seems like a lot for someone who claims he loved only me this whole time.〃
¨Julie. Heˇs a horny single guy. What do you expect him to do, jerk off to your memory every day for eleven years?〃 Alison snorted at her own joke, then cleared her throat when she realized Julia wasnˇt laughing. ¨Julie, men are different. Actually, no, theyˇre not different; theyˇre just more comfortable with the truth. Thereˇs a big difference between sex and love. You can have sex with one person while you still love another one.〃
Julia was skeptical, until she remembered her own relationship with Kevin. Then she said, ¨What about his explanation of that womanˇs pregnancy?〃
¨Assuming heˇs not lying, I think it redeems him. He says he was willing to take responsibility, and I couldnˇt agree more with his reasoning about not getting married just because youˇre pregnant.〃
¨Do you think heˇs lying?〃
¨Thatˇs not for me to answer. Has he given you any reason to think heˇs a liar?〃
Julia considered. ¨No. 〃
¨Then maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt.〃
Julia could think of nothing else to say. ¨Iˇm going to try to get some sleep now.〃
¨Yes. Sleep on it. Youˇll think more clearly in the morning.〃
But predictably, sleep eluded her.
Why does this bother me now? she asked herself as she lay awake, fingering the mermaid pendant around her neck. She always knew he had been with other women, plural. And frankly, it was hard to mind too much when she was the beneficiary of his experience. So why did it make a difference now to have a more precise number?
Julia sensed the truth of her sisterˇs counsel. She knew that if she couldnˇt take Williamˇs word for it, their relationship was doomed, anyway. She knew that, if he was telling the truth, then he had really done nothing so reprehensible. She would just have to align her previous concept of him with the new one.
The next night, her cell phone rang at the end of Williamˇs shift. Groggy, Julia fumbled for it in the dark and answered it.
¨Hey.〃
¨Hey,〃 said William.
Neither of them said anything for a few moments. Finally, William murmured, ¨Jesus Christ, Julie. Please let me come home.〃
It tore Juliaˇs heart, but she said, ¨Thereˇs a few more things I need to know.〃
¨Like what?〃