4. 9
¨You once told me you had led a debauched existence for a while. That youˇd had a lot of meaningless relationships.〃
She waited to see how he would respond. Slowly, he said, ¨I was very depressed for a while. Itˇs why I dropped out of school. Why I started drinking and smoking pot so much. And yes, I slept around a lot.〃
After a long pause to consider his response, she said, ¨I know youˇre a guy, and maybe this is a stupid question. But why did you feel the need to sleep around like that? 〃
¨Julie〃
¨No. I really need to know.〃
¨The truth is, I donˇt really know how to answer that question.〃 He considered for a moment. ¨It was one thing that made me feel better for a short time.〃
¨And has that really changed since then?〃
¨Well, obviously I never took a vow of chastity. But I havenˇt been reckless about it, the way I was back then. I tried to take the first two relationships seriously, but like I told you, I realized I wasnˇt being honest.〃
¨So what did you say to the other girls, like Amanda?〃
¨Jesus, Julie. They knew what they were getting from the very beginning. Thatˇs all I think I should say about it.〃
She considered his answer for a while. ¨Is there anything else I need to know about that time in your life? Or any time, for that matter?〃
¨No.〃
After a while, she said, ¨I need a little more time.〃
He sighed. ¨Iˇll call again tomorrow.〃
But less than a minute after she hung up, her cell phone rang again.
¨Yes?〃
There was a pause. ¨Hi, Julia. I have to admit, Iˇm surprised you answered.〃
¨Kevin.〃 If she hung up on him, he would know she had expected him to be someone else.
¨Iˇm sorry if I woke you up. I was going to leave you a voice mail.〃
¨Well, what were you going to say?〃
¨I wanted to let you know that, against my lawyerˇs strenuous objections, Iˇm willing to sign a postnuptial agreement. The house and all of our community property since our marriage would be legally yours as much as possible, and I would have no future claim on them.〃
Julia sat stunned for a moment. ¨Okay.〃
¨But Julia. This is only if we stay married, and we live together as a family. Iˇve told you that Iˇll never abandon you and Paige again, but I know you have no way of knowing that for sure. I want you to feel confident that, if you come back to me, you and Paige will always be safe and financially secure.〃
¨Then donˇt waste your time, Kevin.〃
¨Julia, if I go through with this, and later you decide to leave me anyway, Iˇll have no claim to any of those assets. Youˇll take all of it with you. But Iˇm willing to take that risk, because thatˇs how important you and Paige are to me.〃
¨Kevin, Iˇm telling you for the last time, itˇs not happening.〃
There was a long pause. ¨If youˇre determined to go through with this, I wonˇt do anything to hurt you in the divorce. Iˇll make sure you and Paige get everything that you deserve. But Julia I know youˇve been in a relationship with someone else. I know heˇs the one you were still with when I first met you. The one who nearly jumped me when he saw me with you.〃 He waited to see if she would respond to this. When she did not, he added, ¨Heˇs not going to take my place with Paige. And Iˇm going to make very sure Paige is safe with him.〃
¨Please contact me through my attorney from now on.〃 She hung up, and blocked his number.
On Friday afternoon, Erin approached Julia at her desk and said, ¨Do you have a minute to talk?〃
¨Sure.〃
Julia followed Erin into her office, and Erin closed the door behind them. ¨Iˇm afraid I have some bad news.〃
Juliaˇs eyebrows lifted. ¨Okay.〃
¨Kevinˇs lawyer has been hard at work. Theyˇve dug up some dirt on William from a long time ago, and Iˇm not sure how much of it you were already aware of. You might want to prepare yourself for a bit of a shock.〃
Julia felt her head spinning. ¨Okay.〃
Erin handed the brief across the desk to her. Julia took it up. Flipped through it. Felt her stomach churning with every item she read.
¨How much did you know?〃 asked Erin after a few minutes.
¨I knew about the girlfriend with the abortion,〃 Julia admitted. ¨I knew the gist of the earlier stuff, but not the specifics. How could they dig up so many details from such a long time ago?〃
¨It's not that hard. A criminal background check and a private investigator. Interviewing old coworkers, and that kind of thing.〃
¨Most of this was ten years ago,〃 Julia protested. ¨Doesnˇt it count for anything that my dad later hired him back?〃
¨They can still use all of this against you. Bringing a man like this into your home with your children. Stuff like that.〃
Julia threw the brief down on the table. ¨So now what?〃
¨I suggest you talk to him tonight. On the phone, not in person. See how much of it he says is true.〃
That night, when William called her after work, she said, ¨We need to talk.〃
The tone of her voice gave him pause. ¨Okay.〃
¨Iˇm afraid Kevinˇs lawyer has found out about you. All about you.〃
¨What does that mean?〃
¨It means that Iˇm sitting here with a rather impressive list of dirt he dug up on you from the time before you went to Alaska.〃
There was a long pause. ¨I told you how I was living at that time in my life.〃
¨Yes, Will. But now I have plenty of specifics. I see, as just one example, that Alison wasnˇt exaggerating about the kinds of high jinks that go on in the alley behind Dunphyˇs. Is that why you wanted to take me out there that time? To carve another notch into the wall?〃
¨Julie 〃
¨And you neglected to mention that you got yourself fired for that, and for showing up drunk and high. Or that you got your license suspended for DUI. Should I go on?〃
There was another long, sickening pause. He said, ¨I had completely lost my way.〃
¨Lost your way? Thatˇs your euphemism for it?〃
¨Iˇm sorry.〃
¨You told me you didnˇt think you had done anything so very bad. Maybe Iˇm a total prude, but I think this is pretty bad. You also told me there was nothing else I needed to know from that time in your life. Youˇve been disingenuous at best, and at worst, you outright lied to me. 〃
¨But why did I have to go into so much detail? The person I was then is not even someone I recognize anymore, so how could knowing all those details have possibly helped?〃
¨Donˇt you think I deserve to know this stuff? If nothing else, Iˇm wondering now if I need to get tested for anything.〃
¨No,〃 he said a bit breathlessly, as if mortified. ¨Of course Iˇve been to a doctor since then.〃
¨What about since Amanda?〃 There was no response. ¨I canˇt believe how stupid Iˇve been.〃
¨I made a lot of mistakes back then. But I am not that person anymore.〃
¨Yes, you are. The fact is, you were and always will be capable of that stuff. I know for a fact, from firsthand experience, that taking risks still turns you on.〃
¨Yes, and thatˇs always turned you on about me. Donˇt try to tell me it doesnˇt.〃
She had no response for that. After a while, he continued, ¨That drunk driving thing was a wake-up call. Thatˇs when I went to Alaska. Working the boats there didnˇt leave me any time for that kind of shit. I know you havenˇt made anything close to the kinds of mistakes Iˇve made. But Iˇd like to ask you to forgive me for what I did for a few months, over ten years ago, when I was so unhappy.〃
¨Listen, Will, if you had just told me up front, it might not have been so bad. Waiting until I found out this way was just plain cowardly, and you know it.〃
After a moment, he said, ¨Iˇm sorry. Can I please come over, and letˇs talk about this?〃
¨No. I know how thatˇs going to turn out. Youˇre going to look at me with those sad eyes of yours, and Iˇm going to wind up in bed with you. I need some time to think rationally.〃
¨Please donˇt push me away again,〃 he said so quietly it was almost a whisper.
¨Iˇm not pushing you away.〃
¨Then let me call you tomorrow.〃
She hesitated. ¨Okay.〃
Very early the next morning, Juliaˇs mother called her.
¨Can you come over here this morning for a little while? Thereˇs something Iˇd like to talk to you about. Paige can watch a movie while we chat.〃
Julia glanced at the clock, not sure what time William was going to call. Not sure if she really wanted to talk to him yet, anyway. ¨Weˇll be over as soon as we can.〃
At her parentsˇ house, Julia sat Paige down in front of Mary Poppins while her mother made them both a cup of coffee. At the kitchen table, her mother said, ¨Do you know why it took your father and me so long to get around to having Alison and you?〃
¨You always said it was because you were both too busy with the restaurant.〃
Her mother shook her head. ¨Thatˇs not the real reason. I was in and out of psychiatric hospitals for years before you two were born.〃
Juliaˇs eyebrows lifted, but she could find nothing to say.
¨They could never seem to get the right combination of medication. Eventually I had to undergo electroconvulsive therapy. That helped for a while, but it had some horrible side effects on my memory, so then I couldnˇt work for a while after each session. And eventually the benefits would wear off, anyway.〃
¨Why didnˇt you ever tell us about this?〃
¨There was always such a stigma attached to it.〃
¨So what finally helped?〃
¨They finally decided to try something different. Medication for manic depression what they call bipolar disorder now. They had always diagnosed me with plain old depression, you see. I was never manic enough.〃
Julia allowed this to sink in for a few moments. Then she said, ¨Why are you telling me about this now?〃
Her mother sipped her coffee. ¨I didnˇt struggle with depression until after my parents divorced.〃
Now Julia understood. ¨So divorcing Kevin will drive Paige to insanity. 〃
¨Will you just hear me out.〃 It was a command, not a question, and delivered in a tone strained with frustration.
Julia sat back in her chair and waited.
¨They divorced when I was eight,〃 her mother continued, her voice placid again. ¨I came home one day from school, and he was gone, with no warning. I just withdrew. I was angry all the time. My grades in school plummeted. I had no more friends. I was the target of bullies.〃
¨Iˇm sorry, Mom. It sounds like it was so hard on you. But what does this have to do with us?〃
¨I cried every night for my father. Begged my mother to let him come back home, even after my mother remarried. Oh sure, I saw him every once in a while. But I missed his daily presence, his constant influence on my life. Surely you know.〃
¨What do you mean?〃
¨You had your grandmother and your Uncle Rob and Tim. But do you think that was any substitute for having your parents around?〃
The stinging in Juliaˇs eyes, the catch in her throat were ominous. She did not dare to meet her motherˇs eyes, for fear of what it would set off.
Her mother reached for Juliaˇs hand. ¨Iˇm not saying that Paige is doomed to the same fate as me. But I am saying that the parallels between my experience and hers frighten me.〃
¨Youˇre right. Sheˇs not doomed to the same fate.〃
¨Sheˇs a sensitive girl who loves both of her parents very much. Iˇm not making excuses for what Kevin did, but it seems like heˇs really trying to make amends.〃 Her mother hesitated. ¨Julia, how much do you really know about William?〃
With that, her mother stopped talking. The kitchen clock ticked loudly. Refrains of Mary Poppins drifted in from the living room.
¨Are you hungry?〃 her mother asked eventually.
¨No.〃
¨Would you like to leave Paige here today and let her spend the night? Give yourself some time to think without any interruptions?〃
Julia nodded. ¨Thank you.〃
When she got home that afternoon, she found a message from William waiting for her on the answering machine. Nothing much, just asking her to call him when she got the chance. She pulled her cell phone out of her purse, and found one there from him as well, saying the same thing.
It was one oˇclock. Two hours until he started his shift. But she decided not to call him just yet. She would give herself the night to think.
When William called her after his shift, he waited for her to do the talking.
¨Are you really sure this is what you want?〃 she said after a while.
¨What do you mean?〃
¨Being a father figure to a kid who isnˇt yours? Putting up with her resentment because she thinks youˇre trying to take her fatherˇs place? Not being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want?〃 He said nothing for a moment, so she continued, ¨Are you really going to be happy limiting yourself to only one woman, for the rest of your life? Because Iˇm not going to want to share.〃
¨If everything Iˇve said and done hasnˇt reassured you by now, Iˇm not sure what will.〃
¨I know your feelings are intense right now. But Iˇm afraid itˇs the kind of intensity that burns out quickly. We havenˇt been back together very long at all.〃
¨You think Iˇm shallow.〃
¨Iˇm just afraid you havenˇt thought everything through. Iˇm afraid weˇre letting our bodies run away with our brains.〃
¨There you go with that again. Why canˇt it be both ways? Why canˇt we be great in bed and also genuinely in love?〃
She considered a moment. ¨I think we should go back to our original plan wait a year before getting married. At least. We all need to be sure this is the right thing.〃
¨Whatever you need,〃 he said, but she did not miss the note of resentment in his voice.
¨Are you sure about that? 〃
¨Julie, if itˇs time you want, then time is all Iˇve got, because Iˇm never going to love anyone else.〃
Julia felt her heart ache, but forced herself to remember that it was the wise thing to do.
¨Julie,〃 he said. ¨Can I please come home now?〃
¨Will, you lied to me.〃
¨I did not lie,〃 he snapped.
¨It was lying by omission.〃
¨Tell me, Julie, at what point was I supposed to just work that stuff into the conversation? ˉHey, Julie, I love you so much, and by the way, Iˇve slept with a dozen women, had two DUIs, and my ex-girlfriend aborted my child.ˇ How do you suppose that would have gone over?〃
¨Let me remind you, I came right out and asked you if there was anything else you needed to tell me about your past.〃
He had no response for this.
¨Iˇve had a few shocks recently. I need more time,〃 she said.
¨How much longer are you going to keep on punishing me?〃
¨This is not about punishment. Iˇll take the time I need to work through it.〃
¨Fine,〃 he said petulantly. ¨Call me when you want to talk.〃
To her dismay, he hung up on her. She jammed the button on her cell phone and threw it across the room. Drew her knees up to her chest and stared out into the darkness of her bedroom.
Before Paige woke up the next morning, Julia guzzled a pot of coffee and surfed the internet for fresh ideas of what to do on a Sunday that wouldnˇt cost any money. She checked her e-mail.
A message waited there for her from Kevin.
She stared at it a moment. Against her better judgment, she clicked on it.
Dear Julia ,
Iˇm e-mailing you because it looks as if youˇve blocked my number. I know you canˇt forgive me. I accept that you donˇt want to be married to me anymore. Iˇm still prepared to give you the full value of our house and all of our community property, with no strings attached. Itˇs the least I can do for you and Paige. The money is of no use to me. I hope one day, you can bring yourself to forgive me. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
Love,
Kevin
After a momentˇs hesitation, Julia ran to the phone and dialed his number.
¨Julia?〃 Apparently, he had caller ID.
She had a moment of relief. ¨I just read your e-mail.〃
¨Oh.〃
¨Are you okay?〃
He hesitated. ¨Aside from facing the end of our marriage?〃
¨Well, yeah. I mean to be honest, for a second I thought it was a suicide note.〃
¨Oh. Iˇm sorry I alarmed you. Though Iˇm pleased that you cared.〃
¨Kevin, I may not love you anymore, but I donˇt want to see you dead.〃
¨I can see how it might have sounded that way, and Iˇm sorry.〃
A long pause ensued. Then Julia said, ¨I donˇt need all of that, Kevin. I just want my half.〃
¨I donˇt need much to do the things I want to do with my life. Iˇm thinking maybe Iˇll go back to school and finish my doctorate in marine biology or something like that. Beyond that, I know how to live simply, believe it or not. I know there are things youˇd like to do besides being a secretary, and the money will let you do them. Itˇll be legally yours and Iˇll have no further claim on it. And donˇt rely on another person to pay for your dreams, either.〃
In spite of herself, Julia felt her heart aching. ¨We donˇt have to talk about this right now. 〃
¨It may be the only time that we can, since youˇve blocked my number.〃
¨That can be changed.〃
There was another long pause. ¨Julia, I have only one question. I hope youˇll forgive me; I ask only out of concern for Paige.〃
Julia hesitated. ¨Okay.〃
¨Are you really sure about this man? William? Will you marry him?〃
¨Eventually.〃
¨Will he be good to Paige?〃
¨Iˇm not marrying him until Iˇm certain of that.〃
¨But youˇre not certain yet?〃
Carefully, she said, ¨I havenˇt wanted to throw him into her life too soon. Iˇll have to see him together with her many times before I can be sure of that.〃
¨Thatˇs good. Of course you would have put so much thought into it.〃 After a long hesitation, he added, ¨I wish you every happiness. But you know if it doesnˇt work out with him, Iˇll still be here. Donˇt worry about what the rest of the world will say or think.〃
Monday was Williamˇs day off work. After Paige went to bed, Julia called him.
¨Hello,〃 he said, without the question mark, and with a note of surprise.
¨Hi. Iˇm ready to talk now.〃
¨Should I come over?〃
¨Yes.〃
He was there within a short time. He searched her face for clues to her thoughts and feelings, but said nothing. He went to sit on the couch, and waited.
Julia found herself squirming, even though she had planned what she was going to say. ¨Okay. Iˇd like you to admit that you should at least have told me about the DUI when I asked you if there was anything else from your past.〃
¨Is that all? I should have told you about that. Iˇm sorry. 〃
Julia frowned. ¨That doesnˇt sound very sincere.〃
William laughed ruefully. ¨I donˇt know what else to say. I still think that when I told you I had been leading a debauched existence, it encompassed all of that. It honestly didnˇt occur to me that the DUI needed to be mentioned separately. But I can see it was important to you, so Iˇm sorry I couldnˇt read your mind. Now, would you like me to tell you the specifics of every single sexual encounter Iˇve had since we broke up in 1995, even the ones Kevinˇs lawyer didnˇt find out about?〃
Julia recoiled. ¨No.〃
¨Good. Because I donˇt see what purpose that could possibly serve. Whatˇs done is done. Whatˇs important is that I love you, Iˇve always loved you, and I always will.〃
Julia gaped at him. After a moment, she said, ¨How do you do this?〃
¨Do what?〃
¨Erase all of my doubts in less than one minute?〃
¨I know you were so determined to stay mad at me. But donˇt worry, I wonˇt touch you. Weˇre just here to talk, remember?〃
She couldnˇt help smiling a little, and at the sight of it, he relaxed and broke into a wide smile as well. They sat in silence for a while. Then Julia said, ¨I have some news.〃
¨Okay.〃
¨Kevinˇs not going to fight me in the divorce. In fact, heˇs going to sign a postnuptial agreement. Once itˇs all said and done, Iˇll be able to sell the house and keep all the proceeds for myself. Same with all of our investment accounts, 401K, everything.〃
Williamˇs eyebrows raised. ¨Why the hell is he doing that?〃
¨Because heˇs sorry for what he did. And because he still has his trust fund money.〃
¨Wow. Are you sure thereˇs not some catch in there?〃
¨No, but thatˇs what my lawyer is for.〃 After a while, she added, ¨You know what this means.〃
¨What?〃
¨Iˇll be able to help with our business venture now.〃
¨What do you mean, help with it?〃
¨Financially, of course. 〃
Williamˇs expression hardened. ¨No.〃
¨What?〃
¨Weˇre not using his money for our business.〃
¨What are you talking about? Itˇs my money. Even now, half of it is mine. By the time he signs it all over to me, itˇs one hundred percent mine.〃
Still, he shook his head. ¨Iˇve got it covered.〃
¨Will. You canˇt possibly have it covered. Iˇm sorry to prick your pride, but Iˇm not stupid.〃
¨Donˇt forget, I have three hundred and thirty thousand dollars in my savings account from my time in Alaska.〃
¨Yes, but the boat alone will cost at least that much.〃
¨I can get a fifty foot sport fishing catamaran for between three and four hundred thousand. Weˇll get loans if we need more.〃
¨Will, I have a five bedroom, three thousand square foot house in west Menlo Park. I expect to get at least two point six million for it. I could get a place like this for six or seven hundred thousand. You do the math; thatˇs leaves a huge chunk of change for the business. And that doesnˇt include my savings and investment accounts.〃
¨I wonˇt take that money.〃
¨And I wonˇt let you go it alone. Thatˇs final.〃
He frowned, rose to his feet. Walked across the room and stared at the aquarium.
¨What is the big deal?〃 she demanded. ¨Is this an ego thing? The Italian side of you coming out? Women pay for things nowadays.〃
¨No, of course thatˇs not it.〃
¨Then do you still imagine itˇs dirty money somehow?〃
William turned to look at her now. ¨It might be your money, in name. But it originally came from him. You didnˇt earn that money yourself.〃
¨What do you think Iˇve been doing all these years, sitting around getting pedicures? Raising a kid is a hell of a lot harder work than my receptionist job. For that and for all the hardship Kevin has put me and Paige through these past months, I think Iˇve earned that money.〃
¨I want a clean break from your ex.〃
¨So it is an ego thing. Somehow youˇve got this delusion that if you take that money, you owe him something. At what point and in what way would he come claiming some obligation from you?〃
¨I wonˇt take the money. Save it for a rainy day.〃
¨That would have to be a hell of a rainy day. Donˇt be so damn stubborn.〃
William shrugged. ¨I warned you, itˇs a Quinn family trait.〃
¨Will, itˇs for my peace of mind. Iˇve lived almost my entire adult life in a state of dependency on one man. Iˇm not going to do that again. We either go fifty-fifty on this, or Iˇm out.〃
¨Then I guess youˇre out.〃
¨If you form this business alone before weˇre married, then I may have no claim to it after weˇre married, because it might be considered separate property. Iˇm not sure; Iˇd have to ask Erin.〃
¨Then marry me before we start the business.〃
¨No! Why are you trying to rush me? For my daughterˇs sake, I wonˇt make hasty decisions. Why canˇt you look beyond your own selfish desires and see that?〃
The moment she said it, she regretted it. The look on his face told her she had crossed the line.
¨Iˇve thought of nothing but you for the past several months,〃 he began with forced calmness. ¨I was prepared to co-sign a lease with you, if you needed it. Iˇm putting my entire savings on the line to start a business with you. I want to help you raise your daughter. And you call me selfish because I canˇt wait to start doing all this with you?〃
Julia put her head in her hands. ¨I canˇt think clearly. All I know is, I need to have my own, independent stake in this. Even Kevin told me not to let you pay for it all.〃
Williamˇs eyes flew open wide. ¨What?〃
Oh, shit. ¨Kevin. Told me not to let you pay for it all.〃
¨When have you been talking to Kevin?〃
Julia avoided his gaze. ¨Weˇve talked once.〃
¨About our business?〃