The Catch (Catch and Hold #1)

4. 10

¨No! Not exactly. He told me to take the money and use it to follow my dreams. And then he said not to let anyone else pay for them.〃

¨It sounds like a pretty in-depth conversation. I thought you werenˇt going to speak to him at all, except through your lawyers. 〃

Julia said nothing.

¨Julie. When have you been talking to him?〃

¨Just once.〃

¨Youˇre being evasive.〃

Julia sighed. ¨He sent me an e-mail yesterday, letting me know he was going to give me all the assets, even if I still divorced him. He said he had no more use for the money. I thought it was a suicide note. I panicked, and I called him.〃

¨Well, it sounds as if the conversation went a little further than, ˉJust checking to make sure you didnˇt off yourself.ˇ〃

¨I told him in no uncertain terms that itˇs over between him and me and that Iˇm planning to marry you.〃

When Julia finally worked up enough courage to look him in the eye, he said, ¨You know, Iˇm starting to agree that it would be a good idea if we wait at least a year to get married. We both need to be sure this is really what you want.〃

Julia nodded. He gathered up his jacket, and moved toward the stairs.

¨Where are you going?〃 she asked.

¨Home.〃

¨This is home.〃

His face was sober. ¨ My home.〃

She watched in dismay as he turned and went down the stairs. She heard the front door open and close. Heard his key locking it behind him. Listened to his motorcycle roar away into the distance.

Julia went through the next day in a fog. While driving to Erinˇs office, her cell phone rang twice, but she waited until she parked the car to check the message. She hoped it was from William, and was disappointed to see two numbers she didnˇt recognize on her screen.

She listened to the first voice mail. ¨This message is for Julia Beale. This is the principal of Paigeˇs school. Please call me as soon as you get this message. Iˇm afraid itˇs urgent.〃

Alarmed, Julia listened to the second message. ¨Yes, Iˇm trying to reach the mother of Paige Beale, and I was given this number. This is the Emergency Department at the childrenˇs hospital. Please call as soon as possible.〃

Frantically, Julia dialed the number that was left for her. ¨Please hold a moment, Mrs. Beale,〃 said the receptionist who answered.

After several agonizing minutes, a doctor came on the line. ¨Hello, Mrs. Beale. My name is Dr. Albanez. Iˇm sorry to have alarmed you. Paige is going to be fine, but Iˇm afraid she did need to come here today.〃

¨What happened?〃

¨Iˇm afraid she cut her wrists pretty badly.〃

¨How?〃 asked Julia, imagining some kind of accident.

¨She cut them herself.〃

Julia felt her world reeling. ¨What?〃

¨From what weˇve been able to gather, she got upset at school and got a hold of a sharp object of some kind.〃

¨Do you mean she was trying to hurt herself?〃

¨It sounds that way, from the account we received.〃

¨But〃 Julia didnˇt even know where to begin. ¨Sheˇs seven years old!〃

¨Mrs. Beale, it is unusual, but weˇve seen this is in even younger children.〃

Julia pressed her hand to her mouth, shaking. ¨Is she okay?〃

¨Yes. Weˇve had to put in a few stitches, but sheˇll be okay, from a physical standpoint. However, we may have to transfer her to our inpatient psychiatric unit for further evaluation.〃

¨What?〃

¨Mrs. Beale, your daughter tried to harm herself. We have to ensure that sheˇs no longer a danger to herself before we release her from the hospital. If it really comes down to it, this is a dedicated pediatric unit, and everyone there is highly skilled in the care of children. Iˇm sure youˇll see that itˇs not the nightmare that youˇre imagining.〃

But Julia could not refrain from sobbing into the phone. ¨Oh, no.〃

¨Mrs. Beale, can you please find someone to bring you safely to the hospital?〃

Julia nodded, then remembered that he couldnˇt see her. ¨Yes. 〃

¨Please donˇt try to drive yourself.〃

¨I wonˇt.〃

¨Weˇll keep her in the ER until you get here.〃

After bumming a ride to the hospital with another secretary, Julia found her daughterˇs hands and wrists bandaged, with just the fingertips poking out. Since Paige was still too sedated to talk to her, she pieced together from the doctors and the school that somehow, Paige had found a craft knife in her teacherˇs desk and slashed her wrists.

Julia stayed with her while they waited for a bed in the psychiatric unit. Yearning for some support, she picked up her cell phone and looked at the time. It was after three oˇclock; William would have just started his shift.

If she called him now, what would he do? Would he drop everything and come running? Probably.

I canˇt do that to him, she thought. It can wait until after he gets off work.

Who else could she turn to right now for comfort? Not Kevin. She didnˇt care if Paige was his daughter, too.

Her mother.

¨Oh no,〃 Julia said out loud.

At that very moment, her mother would be at the school to pick up Paige. And she didnˇt have a cell phone.

Julia opened her cell phone to call the school, but she didnˇt get any reception inside the hospital. She bolted outside as fast as she could, and opened her cell phone again. At that moment, it rang.

¨Hello?〃 she gasped.

¨Itˇs Mom.〃

Weak with relief, Julia said, ¨Mom, Paige is not at school.〃

¨I already know. Iˇm here at the school. The principal told me. Iˇve been trying to call you.〃

¨I couldnˇt get any reception in the hospital.〃

¨Whatˇs going on?〃

Julia updated her, and then her mother said, ¨Kevin is on his way. 〃

Juliaˇs stomach dropped. ¨What?〃

¨I couldnˇt get a hold of you, so I called Kevin. I needed to know what was going on, but he was just as much in the dark as I was. More, actually. He hadnˇt even heard.〃

¨Thatˇs because I didnˇt call him.〃

¨Julia, heˇs her father.〃

¨And heˇs also the cause of all this.〃

There was a long pause. ¨Well, heˇs on his way.〃

Exasperated, Julia hung up. She went back to Paigeˇs room and paced the floor, anticipating Kevinˇs arrival at any moment.

All too soon, he burst into the room, then reeled at the sight of Paige, drugged and bandaged. Julia grasped him by the arm and steered him into the hallway.

¨What happened?〃 he demanded.

He listened gravely as Julia filled him in. After a moment to digest it all, he said, ¨Iˇm guessing this is not a total bolt out of the blue.〃

She glared at him, but said nothing.

¨You once told me she had cried every day since I left.〃

¨She did, until we started going to therapy together once per week. The crying stopped for a while, but Iˇm sure you can guess when it started up again.〃 He looked away uneasily, and she added, ¨Does it make you uncomfortable to see your handiwork?〃

¨I deserve that. And Iˇll do anything to make it better.〃

¨Then get out of our life, and stay out.〃

But he still refused to let her bait him. ¨I know youˇre angry right now. But I think we both know that Paige is going to have to see me. Ask your therapist what she thinks. Donˇt take my word for it.〃

In spite of herself, she felt the anger slowly draining. She gazed at him a moment. ¨Maybe you should start coming to therapy with us.〃

Kevin brightened. ¨Thatˇs a good idea.〃

¨Iˇll check with the therapist. Make sure itˇs okay.〃

¨I know itˇs inadequate, but Iˇm so sorry. I pay for it every single day when I see the pain Iˇve caused.〃

The rest of the anger drained from Juliaˇs body, leaving her exhausted and beyond speech. She turned back into Paigeˇs room, and together she and Kevin waited until a transporter came to move Paige upstairs to the psychiatric unit.

After the admissions process, there was nothing left to do but leave Paige in the hands of strangers and go home. Julia put on a brave face until they were out of the unit and the nurse closed and locked the door behind them. Then she allowed the tears to come.

Kevin put his arm around her shoulders. ¨I hope you didnˇt drive here.〃

Julia shook her head.

¨Well, I did. Will you let me drive you home?〃

She nodded, and he led her out to his car. Driving down the road, he looked over at her, slumped in his passenger seat, and said, ¨Is anybody going to be there when you get home?〃

Julia shook her head.

¨Will anybody be there eventually?〃

She turned to look out the window and decided not to answer.

Parked in front of the house, Kevin said, ¨Maybe you should spend the night at your parentsˇ house. You shouldnˇt be alone.〃

¨Iˇll be okay.〃

He didnˇt press the point any further. ¨Iˇll see you back at the hospital tomorrow, then?〃

¨Yes.〃

He peered at her intently a moment. She had caught a glimpse of herself in the side view mirror, so she knew she looked frail. Her shoulders slumped, and her eyes were puffy and rimmed with shadows.

He reached for her, enfolded her in a hug. For once, she did not try to resist. After a momentˇs hesitation, she even put her arms gingerly around him.

He stroked her hair, and she let her head sink into his shoulder. He felt so much thinner and bonier than she remembered, but his warmth and gentle touch were hard to resist. She wrapped her arms all the way around him, and he drew her in closer. Rubbed her back. Kissed the hair on the top of her head.

When she didnˇt draw away from this, he turned her face up to his. Looked into her eyes a moment.

¨I think this is about where this should stop,〃 she said .

Kevin shifted in his seat. ¨Iˇm sorry,〃 he said, not convincingly.

¨Iˇm going now.〃

She unbuckled her seat belt and opened the car door. He stopped her with a hand on her arm.

¨I know how it looks  like Iˇm trying to take advantage. But I really do still love you.〃

She shrugged off his hand and stepped out of the car. Slammed the door behind her, and walked stiffly up the front steps into her house. His engine revved, then faded into the distance.

She went straight to the bathroom. Splashed cold water on her face, held on to the rim of the sink, and let the tears come.

Midnight came and went with no appearance from William and no phone call. At a quarter past, she picked up her cell phone and called him.

¨Hello?〃 His greeting was subdued.

¨I thought you might like to know that Paige is in the hospital.〃

¨What?〃

¨She slashed her own wrists at school and is in the psychiatric unit. I get to see her for ninety minutes each day.〃

¨Oh my God. Where are you?〃

¨At home.〃

¨Iˇm coming over.〃

¨Is that what it takes?〃

He paused. ¨What?〃

¨To overcome your pride? My daughter has to be in the hospital?〃

¨What are you talking about?〃

¨You accused me of punishing you after you lied to me. All I did was talk to Kevin, and you punish me by not calling and not coming home. Telling me itˇs not even your home anymore.〃

He said nothing.

¨You might like to know that, in spite of all this, I still told Kevin to leave tonight when he was the only person on earth willing to offer me any comfort. Itˇs the worst day of my life, and Iˇm lying here by myself, in an empty house, out of loyalty to you. You, who donˇt even think Iˇm worthy of a phone call.〃

¨Julie 〃

¨Donˇt come over, William. Just stay home.〃

She hung up.

The next night at the hospital, Julia and Kevin sat on a sofa on either side of Paige, touching her fingertips, careful to avoid the bandages around her wrists and hands.

Gently, Julia prompted, ¨Do you want to talk about what happened?〃

Paige stared down at the floor. ¨Not really.〃

¨Was somebody teasing you?〃

Still, Paige stared.

¨Paige, honey,〃 said Kevin, ¨we love you more than anything. Nothing you tell us can change that.〃

¨They call me stupid all day,〃 she said.

¨Who does?〃 asked Julia.

¨The other kids. And these girls were pulling out the waist band of my pants, letting the other kids look down them at my underwear. And then on the way back from lunch, I heard someone say something funny in the hall, and I turned around to laugh. The boy behind me thought I was laughing at him, and he punched me hard in the shoulder.〃

¨Did you hit him back?〃 asked Kevin.

¨Yeah, but then the teacher punished me, not him.〃

She stopped talking. Julia said, ¨Is that when you hurt yourself?〃

Paige nodded. ¨I found some kind of a knife in the teacherˇs desk.〃

Julia gathered Paige up in her arms, and gently rocked her. ¨Youˇre not stupid, Paige, no matter what those kids say. Youˇre having a hard time, and itˇs hard to think about anything else when youˇre having a hard time.〃

¨Mommy, I donˇt want to go back to school anymore.〃

¨Letˇs worry about one thing at a time. Youˇre here to feel better, and thatˇs enough for now. But I can promise you one thing.〃 She pulled Paige back so she could look her in the eye. ¨Itˇs not going to be as hard for you anymore.〃

Paige looked back and forth between Julia and Kevin, and rested her head on Juliaˇs shoulder. They sat quietly together for the rest of the visiting hours, watching the TV in the recreation room, or playing board games.

After visiting hours, Kevin brought Julia to an Italian restaurant in North Beach, where she picked at a Caesar salad.

¨You need to eat,〃 Kevin said.

But Julia pushed her plate back. ¨Itˇs like thereˇs a big rock sitting in my stomach.〃

¨Youˇre putting too much on your own shoulders. You need to let someone help you carry this burden, even if that someone isnˇt me.〃

She knew he was wondering where William was during all of this. She stole a glance at him. Though he was still painfully thin, he was looking better. Clearly he had benefited from his parentsˇ personal chef. His mother had probably badgered him into trimming his beard and cutting his hair, and he was looking more like his old self. Like the proto-hipster he was when she first met him.

¨Why donˇt you talk to me about it?〃 he offered. ¨Itˇs just talking.〃

Julia set her fork down and leaned back in her seat. ¨Itˇs like my mother, all over again.〃

¨What?〃

¨My mother told me recently that she has struggled with depression all of her life. That sheˇs been hospitalized for it several times, even. Undergone shock therapy. She said that it all began when her parents divorced. That the other kids in school would tease her mercilessly.〃

Kevin reached for her hand, and she let him hold it. ¨This is a different time. They know more now about depression. Treatments are better.〃

Julia straightened again. ¨I just remembered something. Mom told me that nothing helped her until they tried bipolar medication.〃

¨Your mom is bipolar?〃

¨Well, Iˇm not sure she was ever really diagnosed with it. But she said they finally tried bipolar medication as a last resort, and it worked.〃

¨Can a kid Paigeˇs age have bipolar disorder? 〃

¨Iˇm not sure, but I think itˇs worth mentioning to the psychiatrist. Iˇll do anything to save her from the kind of life my mom described. From the kind of horrors you see on the streets every day. How many of the homeless people in this city have mental illness underneath everything else? Probably close to one hundred percent.〃

Kevin squeezed her hand. ¨With a mother like you, sheˇs not going to suffer anything near that fate.〃

¨Iˇm sure plenty of those people had better mothers than I am.〃

¨You donˇt give yourself enough credit. Take it one day at a time, Julia. Just like you told Paige. Thatˇs all we can do.〃

Julia gazed down at their hands, clasped together on the table. ¨My mother told me that she never got over the absence of her father. And she reminded me of all the ways Iˇve suffered from the absence of my parents over the years. There are ways in which their regular presence in my life might have made a difference.〃

His dark eyes peered keenly at her. ¨We can downsize. Sell the house, and move somewhere much smaller, in a much more humble neighborhood. Until I finish my doctorate, we can live off the proceeds from the house. It wouldnˇt take anywhere near that much money. You can forget about your secretary job and do whatever your heart desires.〃

Julia shook her head. ¨I would keep working toward becoming a paralegal. Itˇs not that bad. Iˇm good at this work, and Iˇll always have a way of supporting Paige and myself if I need to.〃

¨You didnˇt shoot down my idea altogether, though. Does that mean youˇre considering it?〃

¨Considering what?〃

He smiled and enclosed her hand with both of his now. ¨Youˇll never be sorry, I promise.〃

Julia felt a pang, remembering the last time someone said more or less the same thing to her. She withdrew her hand.

¨Iˇve not agreed to anything yet. And I may never. I need a little time.〃

Some of the giddiness drained from his face, but he still smiled. ¨Iˇm happy youˇre even considering it.〃

Julia lay awake in her empty bed, staring up at the ceiling. Near midnight, her cell phone rang.

¨Hello?〃

After a pause, William said, ¨Do you want to talk to me?〃

¨Yes.〃

¨Can I come over?〃

¨Okay.〃

He was there within thirty minutes. After taking a shower, he went to sit beside her on the sofa and took her hands in his.

¨You have no idea what I felt when I realized what you had been going through all day, and all the while I had been too proud to even call you. Iˇm so sorry.〃

Julia lifted his hands and pressed her forehead against them. ¨Iˇm sorry too. Iˇve been so on edge lately.〃

¨Youˇve had a lot of stress.〃

¨Every day I feel like Iˇm going to be the next one going to the hospital. But I donˇt have the luxury of losing it, because I still have to be a mom.〃

He gathered her up and held her there for a while. After a while, he asked for the details of what happened, and she told him the whole story.

¨Should I take off work for a while?〃 he asked.

¨No, thereˇs no sense in that. Just come home at night and be with me.〃

¨Of course,〃 he said, stroking her hair. Kissing the top of her head, as Kevin had done just the night before.

There was nothing more to say and no energy left for conversation, anyway. They went to bed, and he held her all night.

The next day, with Kevin at her side, Julia informed Paigeˇs psychiatrist of her motherˇs history with depression.

¨I think it might be worthwhile to try a mood stabilizer for a while, and see how she does with that,〃 he replied.

¨What if that doesnˇt work? 〃

¨Thereˇs a lot of different mood stabilizers we can try, and if none of those work, weˇll go back to square one with traditional antidepressants. It could also be that your daughter will end up needing more than one medication; thatˇs not uncommon in children.〃

¨It kind of feels like Paige is going to be a lab rat for a while,〃 said Kevin.

¨Well, there probably is going to be a trial and error period. The brain is very complex, and Iˇm afraid the treatment of psychiatric disorders is as much of an art as it is a science.〃

¨What else should we be doing to help her?〃 asked Julia.

¨Just keep doing exactly what youˇre doing  showing up for these family conferences, sharing with us any insights you can think of, and keeping an open mind. The good news is that Paige has two parents who love her very much. I know what you two have been going through personally, but itˇs good that you can come together for her sake.〃

Over dinner that night, Kevin said, ¨Have you given any more thought to what we talked about last night?〃

¨Yes, and I owe you a big apology. I spoke in a moment of weakness last night, and I gave you false hope. But I havenˇt changed my mind.〃

Kevin looked crestfallen. ¨Julia, where is William right now?〃

¨Itˇs Friday night. He works the dinner shift at the restaurant.〃

¨But where has he been all along? I donˇt get the impression heˇs really been there for you during this crisis.〃

¨He works different hours than I do.〃

¨So when do you see him?〃

Julia stabbed her salad with her fork. ¨I donˇt have to talk about this with you.〃

¨Julia, you need someone whoˇs really going to support you through these next few years with Paige. You shouldnˇt have to do it alone.〃

¨Youˇre still planning on helping out, arenˇt you?〃

¨Yes, but think of what the psychiatrist said. How lucky Paige is to have two parents who can come together for her sake. You want her to have every possible advantage, donˇt you?〃

¨Jesus, Kevin, of course I do,〃 snapped Julia. ¨But hopefully not at the expense of my self-respect.〃

Kevin looked stricken. ¨Why should you have to respect yourself any less? Everything we own will be in your name from now on. Thereˇs no risk to take. Iˇll be home when youˇre home. Iˇll be home when Paige is home. Iˇm her own father. Whatˇs not to respect about that?〃

¨The fact that I donˇt love you.〃

¨Can you really tell me that you were just kidding yourself these past ten years when you thought you loved me? Weˇve had our ups and downs, but you seemed content enough until I left you. Then this man came along, reminding you of the people you both used to be but arenˇt anymore, and offering you comfort and sex and whatever else at a time when you really needed it. How much can you really know about him based on one or two hours a day, at most? You know what I think? I think heˇs got you wrapped around his finger, but when it comes down to it, itˇs infatuation on both sides.〃

Shaking, Julia reached into her wallet, put some cash on the table, and stood to leave. He stood as well, and put his hand on her arm.

¨Donˇt go,〃 he whispered. ¨Letˇs talk calmly about this.〃

¨Iˇve heard about all I care to hear,〃 she said, and left the restaurant.

When Julia opened her eyes the next morning at the usual time, she found William already awake and looking at her.

She said, ¨I must have sensed I was being watched. Like an animal.〃

He smiled. ¨Sorry. I couldnˇt sleep.〃

She reached out and stroked his shoulder. ¨Why not?〃

He shrugged. ¨I donˇt know. Iˇm used to waking up at this time.〃

¨I wish I could say we can sleep in for once, but my mom and I are going to have breakfast and then Iˇm going to head over to the hospital. I can visit Paige all day today.〃

She got up, stripped out of her nightgown and started putting her clothes on. He got up as well, opened the jewelry box and brought the ring over to her. Swallowed nervously as he slipped it on her finger.

¨I really do still want this, no matter how long it takes,〃 he said.

¨Me too.〃

¨Then wear it. All the time.〃

¨Youˇve forgotten Paige. 〃

¨What about her?〃

¨Sheˇll see it and ask about it.〃

¨Do you really think sheˇs going to notice?〃

¨Sheˇs a kid; sheˇs not an idiot.〃

He considered a moment. ¨Then tell her itˇs a gift from somebody.〃

¨And what if she asks what the gift was for, or who itˇs from? Iˇm not going to lie to her, Will. Iˇll wear it someday, after we tell her about us. But in the meantime, we donˇt need a ring to know weˇre engaged.〃

He frowned. ¨Wonˇt you accept anything from me?〃

¨Will, this isnˇt about you. If Paige sees this ring, sheˇs going to think her father and I are back together. Then, when I have to explain to her that weˇre not, itˇs going to set off another whole meltdown.〃

¨Iˇm not just talking about the ring. Iˇve barely seen you at all in nearly two weeks. Iˇm here with you now, but youˇre rushing out the door.〃

¨My seven-year-old daughter is in the psych ward of the hospital.〃

¨I know that. I know,〃 he said in a conciliatory tone, squeezing her hands in his. ¨But are you really going to spend all seven hours in there with her? Donˇt you need some time to recharge your own batteries?〃

¨If your idea of recharging my batteries is to relieve your pent-up urges when my daughter is surrounded by strange adults and crazy teenagers  then no!〃

Why am I practically shrieking? she had the presence of mind to ask herself. And yet she couldnˇt contain the monster welling up inside of her. Maybe she really did belong in the psych ward, alongside her daughter.

William slowly dropped her hands. He backed away and pulled his jeans on over his boxers.

¨Christ, Will, Iˇm sorry,〃 she said, alarmed to discover that she was on the verge of tears. ¨I told you before, I feel like Iˇm coming unhinged.〃

She dissolved into tears now, and sat down on the bed. He came over to her and touched her shoulder.

¨Youˇre going to have to start trusting me. Otherwise, this is never going to work. 〃

He finished dressing and left her alone to gather up her last shreds of dignity.

When Julia arrived at her parentsˇ house, her mother took one look at her and said, ¨Sit down, honey. Let me bring you a cup of tea.〃

Julia flopped into a chair and stared listlessly at the table top while her mother put a kettle on the stove. Then her mother joined her at the table.

¨Youˇve been crying.〃

Julia looked away and covered her face with her hand.

¨Julia, I assumed you were getting some support at home. But maybe you should spend your nights here for the time being. I can take a load off for the next couple of weeks. Make you dinner and breakfast each day, so at least you get something to eat. I would have hoped that William would be seeing to that, but youˇre thinner than ever.〃

¨Iˇve been trying to eat dinner out with Kevin after visiting hours. My stomach is just twisted in knots these days.〃

Her mother looked surprised, and pleased. ¨Iˇm glad somebody is trying to take care of you. But men donˇt really know how to do these things. From now on, come here instead of your place. You wonˇt be shut up in that house all alone.〃

Julia knew that William wouldnˇt like it, but the idea of being around other people at the end of the day did appeal to her. And this way, she wouldnˇt be even more tempted to let that other person be Kevin.

After a few minutes, the kettle whistled. Her mother poured the tea and brought the cups over to the table. ¨You like it plain, right?〃

Julia nodded and dipped the tea bag in and out of the water pensively.

¨Julia, is anything else the matter besides the obvious issues with Paige?〃

To Juliaˇs dismay, she felt tears stinging her eyes again, and covered her face with her hand. ¨What is wrong with me?〃 she said out loud .

¨Oh, honey,〃 said her mother, reaching for her hand. ¨Please tell me.〃

¨I canˇt.〃