30. Jess
Ican’t stop shaking. I’m usually brave, but today broke me.
This is the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.
Once I made up my mind about selling to Sean, I knew I had to do it fast before I changed my mind.
This was never going to work.
To be honest, once the papers were gone over, and my lawyer watched me sign everything with trembling hands, I felt marginally better. However, there was another big step that had to be made.
“Leaving?” he asks. “No. What the hell are you talking about? You can’t leave the hotel.”
I’ve never been more conflicted in my entire life. How could I be so sure of something one minute and then completely unsure the next? It’s frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time. I still can’t get over what I overheard, the way Sean sounded, assuring his father he had it handled, coupled with that fax they sent, accusing me of mismanagement and practically forcing me out of the hotel I helped build.
Ironically, it was me who insisted on a contract. Story of my life. I trapped myself like a rat.
Now I’m paying for it.
In more ways than one.
Ugh.
Once more, ensnared by the charm of a CEO.
I know he says it’s not what it seems, but it’s so hard to believe him. So hard to get rid of that sinking feeling.
But not as hard as it is to cut him from my life.
I thought it would be easy. After all, I’ve been on my own for so long it should be easy to go back to that. But Sean has woven himself into my life and into my heart, and how can you extract someone who’s become a part of you?
But as many times as I told myself it was physical, as many times as I tried to avoid falling in deep, despite my best efforts, I’m in love with him. Yes, I realized this early on, but I don’t think I truly did comprehend the depth of my feelings until this moment, until now that I’m looking into his eyes.
It’s so hard to walk away and leave him behind.
I don’t even have the capacity to tell him that Jane Deets informed me that the adjacent building owner is open to hearing my offer, or that old Mr. Schuster at Schuster and Flint called to inform me that our bookings were about to skyrocket due to their newly acquired sister companies. These monthly conferences will even adhere to the new rates and cancellation policy. Mr. Schuster emphasized how our fair rates and policies over the years contributed significantly to their expansion—and this is his and Mr. Flint’s way of expressing gratitude.
A huge victory (that almost made me cry), not just for me but for all the hard work my employees have put in over the years. A real “I freakin’ told you so” moment that I don’t even get to have.
Because I can’t work at the hotel anymore.
It’s undeniable that Blackwood Inc., with all its means and resources, would—sooner or later—undoubtedly find a way to push me out. While I pride myself on being a fighter, I don’t want to live a life that’s a constant downhill battle, filled with sleepless nights and daily arguments trying to prove myself, only to end up on the defeated front. I don’t want to spend my days agonizing over the Westerlyn’s future, or feeling the way I have in the past hours—miserable, unappreciated, and betrayed.
I want to smile again, to laugh, and to embrace each new day that life brings.
Most of all, I don’t want regrets.
Never again.
Not with Sean.
Richard devastated me, but if Sean were to break my heart, I would never recover.
That’s why I also can’t live next door to him anymore. Hearing him come home, wishing for him to show up at my door, is too much. I need to find somewhere else to live. It’ll be better in the long run if I do.
That’s why I can’t see him anymore.
That’s why all this has to end.
Now.
With the financial means the sale will provide, I’ll purchase a new place and a new hotel. One that won’t be a shared venture, one that will be entirely mine. Big enough to bring in Pauline, Emma, and the rest of my staff.
“You’re not leaving the hotel!” he exclaims, snapping me out of my thoughts.
I was not expecting his explosive response.
“I’m leaving the hotel, and I’m finding another apartment,” I clarify. “I told you before that mixing relationships with work never ends well for me, and I was right. It’s over.”
He tosses the envelope onto his desk. “You’re not right. It’s not happening to us, and it won’t. We’re good together, Jess. You know we are. Not just with work but personally. Are you really going to stand there and tell me you don’t have feelings for me?”
“Sean, please don’t make this harder than it already is,” I say and sidestep him, trying to move closer to the door in the process. “It’s my decision to sell, and it’s my decision to move. It’ll be better for both of us in the long run.”
“Running away is never the answer.”
“It is when you need to protect yourself.”
“From what? And who? Me?”
Yes, you. I want to say, but I don’t.
As if he heard my thoughts, he says, “You don’t need to protect yourself from me, Jess. You never have.”
Of course I have.
I’ve had to protect myself from the beginning—or at least I should have. I thought I could keep our relationship separate from work. I thought I could handle this, him, but it’s clear that I can’t.
I never want to feel the devastation I felt when I overheard that phone call or read the fax.
This isn’t just about him. This is about me and how I’m clearly not over what happened with my ex. I’m not gonna put Sean through my issues, and I’m not gonna let my trauma affect him.
It’s clear that I still have a lot of things to work out, and it would make everything easier if we went back to the way things were before I knocked on his door for the first time.
When we didn’t even know each other’s names.
When we didn’t know we existed.
“I need to protect myself from myself,” I say. “It’s not just about you, Sean. I have to do what’s best for me.”
The silence between us thickens, and we seem unable to look away from each other. His eyes look so sad, and I hate myself for thinking it, for noticing it.
My heart hurts, more than I think it’s ever hurt before, which only strengthens my resolve.
“I need to go,” I say, backing up toward the door. “Everything should be in that envelope. If you need something else, my lawyer’s contact info is inside, and they will make sure it gets to me.”
“Jess, no. Don’t go. I haven’t given up on all those plans we made. Please don’t give up yet. You can still be a co-owner. I’d rather work together as equals than as your boss. I will protect you, if that’s the last thing I do. There can be an ‘us.’ There needs to be an ‘us.’”
I don’t know what to say to that.
It sounds too good to be true, and I’m still too emotional. It could be so easy to give in. So easy to let myself be drawn in by him once more. But I’m a mess of emotions, and I’ve already made up my mind. His father would not rest. The board would not rest. Nothing good could possibly come out of this relentless turmoil.
“Thanks for everything,” I tell him, reaching for the door as he takes a step toward me. “Goodbye, Sean.”
I’m out the door and out of his office before he can say anything else. I can feel him following me, but he pauses in the waiting room. Either he doesn’t want to continue the private conversation where somebody could hear, or he’s unwilling to keep following me, I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter.
I don’t think I breathe properly until I fully leave the building. Once I step out onto the sidewalk, I take a deep cleansing breath and slowly exhale.
I’m confident I’ve made the right decision.
As difficult as it was to sign over my half of the hotels, I try to look on the bright side. So many of the things that have kept me up at night will no longer be on my plate. I can just focus on running the day-to-day and looking for a new place to live, at least for a little while.
And who knows? I’m sure I’ll find something that means as much to me as WH does, or even more. At least I hope I will.
I’m trying to look on the bright side, but for the first time in my life, I can’t.
It hurts too much right now.
Instead of going to Swayze’s, I head back home.
I need to start packing. I still have unused moving boxes in my closet from the last move. While I waited for Sean in his office, I got in touch with Jane Deets, and while it may take some time to find a place I truly love, once I do, I’m going to need to be ready to move at a moment’s notice.
On the drive, I call Pauline. She tells me I did the right thing—as far as selling the hotel is concerned, not breaking off things with Sean. She emphasizes that Sean isn’t Richard. It’s not the response I was hoping for. How I wish I could talk to Norman. But by now he’s basking on a warm, sunny beach with his wife, savoring life to the fullest. Good for him. At least someone made a timely escape.
Once I’m home, I kick out of my heels and fall face-first on the couch with a noise of frustration. In his cage, Pippin flaps his wings and chirps, as if to remind me of his presence, and the fact that I didn’t say my usual “Hello.”
“Everything’s a mess, Pippin,” I tell him, turning in his direction. “Your mom is going through a crisis here, give her a second.”
After unlatching Pippin’s cage, I lie back on the couch with him hopping along my belly. I gently pet him, allowing the feeling of his soft feathers to calm me down like they always do.
I don’t know how long I lie there, but eventually, I hear the faint sound of the elevator doors opening and Sean’s footsteps draw closer.
My heart hiccups.
For half a second, I imagine him coming to my door like he’s done so many times before. Just strolling in with a wink as he undoes his tie.
I picture us together again, our mouths unable to separate, our hands desperately moving over the other’s body.
I can hear him pause, and I stop breathing. I sense Pippin’s excitement, recognizing his buddy’s steps.
But then there’s the sound of the key in his front door, and he enters his apartment.
I let out a shaky breath.
Pippin looks terribly sad, the poor little guy. I shower the cutie pie with pets, kisses, and affection until he starts to feel better.
Mind still a horrible mess, I take a deep breath and sit up. As difficult as this is and as much as I need to figure out, lying here moping isn’t going to help. With shaky hands, I pop Pippin on my shoulder and head to the kitchen to make myself a cup of calming tea.