10. Christmas Ghosts Of The Past
CHRISTMAS GHOSTS OF THE PAST
K ayn
She was such a good sport about the storm all day long.
Not once did she complain about getting stuck in town longer than planned.
I knew that she missed her family. I had overheard her tell her mother on the phone that she would be back in time for Christmas Eve and that all was going well.
She promised her mother that she was being treated very well and that she was making some new memories.
The thought of her making those memories with me did something to my heart.
I hadn’t had a lot of Christmas memories since entering adulthood.
Once I left my family, I hit the streets and did what was necessary to survive, stack, and start building my empire.
I never had time to slow up and enjoy shit like Christmas movies and music, bake desserts, watch a tree lighting, or any of that anymore.
Not that I probably would have done any of that anyway, but still, I hadn’t had time.
I had been hustling since the age of fifteen, out on my own since seventeen, and at thirty-six, I was ready to build a life that I could appreciate. I doubted that I would ever stop focusing on making money, but I did want something more than just money to reflect on at the end of the day.
I glanced back at my laptop as I reviewed the final contingencies for the contract that had been sent to me by Green Nature’s lawyers.
That was another company that I would be taking over.
They had several commercial and residential contracts throughout New York, and they were struggling to maintain things.
“No. I need you to add twelve more of those same meals to the order. Correct. We want to make sure that we have additional besides what we initially reported.”
Kandi tugged a piece of her hair loose from her bun as she tapped on her computer while talking on the phone.
She was making last-minute arrangements for the Christmas party that she planned for our staff.
At the rate we were going, there was no way that she would be back in time to make the party.
I hated that she had planned it to a tee and wouldn’t be able to participate.
But it couldn’t be helped. This was beyond either of our control.
Not for the first time, guilt plagued me.
I insisted that she come on this trip, and truthfully, she hadn’t needed to be here.
I had wanted her by my side. There was something about her presence that calmed me and brought me peace.
I had made trips in the past on my own, but I wanted her with me.
I wanted her calming nature and wanted her to handle some of the things that I might delegate to someone else while I was away.
She looked up at me and smiled. I felt the corners of my lips tug. I didn’t do that smiling shit, but she made me want to smile. It seemed like that was all I had been doing since I had been stuck with her.
I continued watching her as she finished her call with the caterer for the Christmas party. When she finished, she looked back up at me again.
“What?”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“No, but you’ve been staring at me for a while now. Did I do something wrong?”
“What makes you think that you did?”
“Again, you were staring at me.”
“Just lost in thought.”
She pulled her bottom lip and tugged it for a few seconds before she asked, “About what?”
“I’ve had several assistants in the past, but you’re very efficient.
I know that we haven’t been working together long, but you’ve done an excellent job with the responsibilities that you’ve taken on in such a short while.
I’m hearing great things about the Christmas party and how it’s coming along.
Just wanted to tell you to keep up the good work. ”
She smiled shyly, glanced at her computer screen, and then back at me. “Thank you. I was wondering about that.”
“What?”
“If I was doing a good job.”
“Trust me, if you weren’t, you would know.”
“You should do that more often, . . . tell your staff how you feel about their work. People like to hear the good things now and then, too, just as well as the bad stuff.”
“Is that what you think—that I only give bad news?”
“Uhm, . . . you’re not shy about making your displeasure known, but people aren’t always sure when you are pleased.”
I nodded as I thought about that. I knew that she was right.
Part of that had to do with my street mentality.
It wasn’t always about breaking people off cred or smiling in their faces and shit.
Sometimes, you just had to handle your business and keep it pushing.
I applied that same logic to my business model.
“Well, I am pleased, Kandi, with everything that you’ve done so far.”
“Thank you. You make me wonder why it’s so hard for you to speak a kind word or say something encouraging to someone.”
“It’s not hard. I just don’t choose to do that shit,” I replied, letting my guard down for the first time in a long time.
I was always guarded with anyone who came around me, whether they were staff or women.
But I didn’t feel the need to be that way with Kandi.
I wasn’t sure if it was being at my aunt and uncle’s house or Kandi’s personality that was having that effect on me.
If I shared those thoughts with her, she might say it was the magic of the season or some goofy shit like that.
“Why not? What made the man that I see before me today, Mr. Emmanuel Kayn?”
She was cheesing at me as though saying my whole name brought her pleasure. Shit, I wanted to hear her scream my whole name, but only if I was buried balls deep inside of her.
Damn. I had to stop thinking like that. Kandi clearly wasn’t that girl.
“I’m listening.”
“To what?” I asked.
“For you to tell me what made you the man you are today.”
Fear crept up my spine, and I dragged my hand down my face. I wasn’t certain what Aunt Frances had shared with her the first night here after I left and headed into the kitchen. Either way, I figured I might as well tell her some of the shit that led to my street mentality.
“My father was a dope dealer, and my mama was what you might consider his bottom bitch. She wasn’t supposed to get pregnant with me, but when she did, their relationship went sour.
He sent her packing, and after that, it was just me and my moms for the most part.
In the early years, he would drop in from time to time and drop off money.
Whenever I asked him why he wasn’t around, he would say some shit like hustlers ain’t got no time to settle down.
A real G gotta be out there making money every hour on the hour. ”
I shook my head and closed my eyes.
“Do you think that you adopted that mentality?” Kandi asked.
I opened my eyes again when I realized how close she was to me. I hadn’t heard her get off the love seat and sit beside me on the couch. I hadn’t even felt the weight of the couch shift. The memories of my past had pulled me under.
“Of course. Like I said, he was never around except when he was dropping off money. When he came around, it wasn’t to spend time.
He would drop some of his so-called street wisdom and keep rolling.
As a little guy, I looked up to him. I mean, after all, he was my daddy.
I idolized him and made him into something that he wasn’t for the other little kids who had a daddy in their life and often asked about mine. ”
“I’m so sorry that you had to go through that and that he wasn’t there to teach you the reality of being a man. But it seems that you figured that part out on your own.”
I shook my head. “Nah, I figured most shit out by being a knucklehead if I didn’t listen to Uncle JR. He was a real man, the only one I should have been listening to, but it took years for me to figure that out.
By the time I came to live with them, I was fourteen.
I immediately went to work with Uncle JR that summer and found that I enjoyed working in landscaping. ”
“Is that what he does for a living?”
“What he did. He retired.”
“That’s cool that you wanted to emulate him rather than your father. It was a positive image for you to adopt.”
“That’s not all true.”
“What do you mean?” Kandi turned sideways on the couch and stared into my eyes. I wanted to reach out and touch her so damn bad, but I had to coach myself into keeping my hands to myself.
“I did both. I worked with my uncle during school breaks and on the weekends. At other times, I was running the streets when they thought I was hanging with friends. I was out there selling drugs.”
“In this cute, little postcard town?” she asked in disbelief with wide eyes.
“Nah. I was riding out with some friends of mine by the time I turned sixteen to the closest major city, which was half an hour away. I was heading over to Jonestown every chance I got. It was putting big money in my pockets too. When I bought a car, Uncle JR hit the roof. I tried telling him that I’d used my savings from landscaping to purchase it.
“He didn’t buy that shit. He’d gone through my things while I was gone and found some drugs and the money.
Then I exploded about him going through my things.
I felt violated and like he didn’t trust me.
He gave me two options: quit doing what I was doing and get rid of the drugs and make an honest living like a decent man or get the fuck out of his house. ”
“What did you do?”
“What you think I did? I got the fuck out of his house and never came back until the other day.”
“Oh my God. So, I came back in the middle of a war?”
I reached out my hand and caressed her cheek.
“No, beautiful. You came and brought peace.”
I almost leaned in and kissed her again, but thankfully, her phone rang, and it was a vendor for the party. I was losing myself in the illusion of Kandi, and nothing good could come of that. Her happiness and joy weren’t the reality that my life was built upon.