Chapter 35
chapter
thirty-five
MAREN
The ride back to my house is excruciating.
A familiar ache tortures my heart and seeps into the rest of my muscles.
I left Nate in the park. He grew smaller and smaller in my rearview mirror, but I’m the one who feels small.
I kept fighting the urge to turn my car around. To skid back into the Cream and Sugar parking lot, gravel flinging in every direction.
Then run to Nate.
He’s my safe place. My comfort and my relief.
But he’s also the reason I’m falling apart.
Next to Nate and the intensity of him, I feel like I’m two inches tall. Maybe that’s always been the problem. No matter how great he makes me feel—how alive and exciting—it seems like I never measure up to his expectations.
He brings out the best in me, but my best doesn’t seem to mean the same for him as it does for me.
And this town? Sapphire Creek is where I’ve always belonged, and that’s not going to change. It’s small, but mighty. It’s more than my home—it’s me. What if Nate wakes up tomorrow and realizes being here for me isn’t going to make him happy?
His Jeep rumbles past my house and curves into his driveway. I suck back a lungful of air, but it doesn’t release.
It’s suspended in my lungs like I forgot how to breathe.
He marches straight toward my car. I take a beat for my stunned body to catch up with the rest of the scene, and then I ease out onto wobbly legs.
Nate’s chest heaves like he’s having just as much trouble breathing as I am. “Maren, my daughter is happy here. You’ve seen her yourself.”
I can’t argue there. The little girl seems to constantly have stars in her eyes.
“Of course, we need to have a direct conversation—Sabrina included—but Teagan and I love it here. Teagan hasn’t mentioned LA even once since the first week we were here, and even then, it was just to list all the ways Sapphire Creek is better. This is better for both of us.”
My gaze snags on the sunlight casting over my porch. Nate used to kiss me in front of this very front door every time he dropped me off.
I’d float inside, and Mama would smile. It was a deep smile that reached her eyes like she felt my happiness herself.
What would she say to me now? Would she have any advice to share? Or would she make me tea and pretend this doesn’t hurt like hell?
More tears stream down my face.
I want to believe him—to believe in us—but it’s not that simple.
“You still have so much to figure out, Nate, and I can’t be involved in that decision.
” I choke on a sob. “I don’t want you to stay in Sapphire Creek for me, only for you to decide it’s not where you ultimately want to end up.
You need to do what’s right for you and your family, whether or not it includes me.
I won’t be the reason you don’t chase your dreams. I didn’t want to be the reason ten years ago, and I don’t want to be the reason you settle now. ”
I whirl on my heel. The faster I escape him, the less likely I’ll leap into his arms and take his word for it.
I need more than words.
Being in this situation that’s so similar to what happened between us the first time makes me feel young again—and not in a good way. My soul has been split open, and all my old fears, doubts, and insecurities have burst free.
They encircle me, closing in on me like a pack of wolves after their prey.
I pick up my pace as if I’m trying to physically outrun this turmoil.
Chasing feelings isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
You chase and chase a happy ending, zigzagging your way to bliss, until you realize there’s just more uncertainty out there. More fears and disappointment.
All the while, your heart’s left unprotected. Without the walls around it, it’s exposed and helpless to the painful side of love.
And for the second time, I have to experience this side with Nate. The painful side that has the power to finish the job from ten years ago and ruin me, once and for all.
I should have woken up in Nate’s bed this morning, wrapped in his arms and getting drunk on his cologne. Skin to skin, if I would’ve gotten my way.
But I didn’t. I didn’t wake up with sore cheeks from smiling, nor did I struggle to walk from all the sex I expected. My matching set of lingerie went to a complete waste.
I got my ass handed to me like I’m a cosmic joke.
Instead of a romantic date, followed by mind-blowing sex and a late, blissful morning, I decide to open the truck, after all. I text Tonya to let her know, and it’s no surprise that she attacks me with a game of twenty questions.
TONYA
Did Nate fuck you unconscious?
Are you sleep texting right now?
Why are you going to open? You should be tangled up with that fine man like my hair after a day at the beach, Clayton. What gives?
I rub my eyes, giving myself a moment of relief from the light of the phone screen against the darkness of the morning. Streaks of dark gold peek across the horizon through the gap between my house and Nate’s, the sun on the cusp of its arrival.
I should’ve known Tonya would grill me over this, but the alternative was to sulk around my house all day like I did last night.
I couldn’t sleep. Instead of snoozing the night away, I lay in my bed alone, beating myself up. Could I have avoided this collision of doubts?
If I’d wanted more out of life and myself, would Nate have left me to begin with?
Sapphire Creek wasn’t enough for him once. I wasn’t enough for him to stay. Has that really changed?
Bearing the weight of the third degree from Tonya is, sadly, a better option than going another round with my fucked-up psyche.
But it doesn’t mean I have to give her the whole, pitiful truth.
I just couldn’t sleep. Used to getting up early, and Nate has to pick up Teagan.
At least I’m not lying on either front.
With a sigh, I pull out of my driveway and stifle the urge to glance over at Nate’s. I wrestled with the need all night. I craved to catch even a glimpse of him. Is he as miserable as I am? Did he sleep? Did he also pick up his phone to call me a thousand times, only to put it down?
Does his chest ache?
It’s still dark when I pull up to Cream and Sugar, much like it is most mornings. It’s part of my daily routine.
Working on autopilot is especially advantageous today… until I turn on the espresso machine and realize the frother is stuck.
Is the universe seriously trying to stand in the way of me and caffeine—and my livelihood? Haven’t I suffered enough in my life already?
I pound my fist on the counter, then rummage in the cabinets underneath for the handheld frother. It’s not ideal, but it’ll get the job done until I figure out what’s wrong with the stupid machine.
As I sip on my latte, determined to enjoy it, I shoot Tonya a text to see if she’s noticed anything going on with the machine.
TONYA
Weird. It was working when I left yesterday.
“I’ll just add it to the list of tragedies around here,” I mutter to myself.
The bake-off cannot come soon enough.
But the thought of it only causes a ball of nausea to roll through my stomach like a tumbleweed. There’s a lot of pressure to win as it is, but every day brings with it yet another reason that I need the prize money. At this rate, the prize money might not even be enough.
I mutter a string of curses that seems to catch the attention of a few squirrels in the gravel lot through my window. “What are you looking at?” I snap.
God. I’ve really lost the plot if I’m talking to fucking squirrels.
This is how the rest of my day goes—relatively miserable.
For some stupid reason, I thought Nate might show up, and when he doesn’t, I’m even more disappointed. It’s like I’ve been stood up, even though we never planned for him come by.
I never got the frother on the machine working, and now my wrist is sore from using the sorry handheld excuse for a frother.
I accidentally spilled a total of four drinks today, and my eyes are so puffy to the point where five different customers were prompted to ask if I’m sick, because—“Did you know the stomach bug’s going around?”
There’s a chance I might prefer the stomach bug over this limbo with Nate.
I roll onto my street after work as if the day’s already lasted for ten hours longer than is possible, and I crack—I give in to my desperation, and I scan Nate’s house for any sign of him or Teagan.
It’s been less than a day since I last saw either of them, and I already miss them. What scares me more than missing my second chance with Nate is losing Teagan too. She’s become such a light in my life.
I’m so distracted by Nate’s house that I don’t immediately notice the other car in my driveway.
Dixie.
Once I cut the engine, I check my phone for any missed call or text from her with a warning that she’s coming, but I’ve got nothing. It’s not unusual for her to stop by; she just hasn’t done so in a while.
No matter how normal it is to find her sitting on my porch, the hair at the back of my neck still stands. Something tells me this isn’t a happy-go-lucky little visit, and when I ease up my front steps and notice her deep-set frown and knitted brows, I brace myself against the railing.
I force a chipper tone that I don’t feel. “Did you know the first milkshake—”
“Had an interesting conversation at Bready or Knot this morning.” She folds her arms over her chest, revealing a chunky gold bracelet and painted nails. She’s in velvet leggings and a V-neck sweater, with her hair in glossy waves.
Why is she always so done up? Doesn’t she ever get tired of it?
“It was an alcoholic drink,” I mumble, finishing my fun fact and wishing I had a whiskey in my hand right about now.
Dixie purses her lips, completely bypassing my attempt at a light-hearted start to this visit. “One of the ladies stopped me to compliment my outfit, then proceeded to ask me about Mrs. McAllister.”
My stomach bottoms out.
“I thought she meant Evie. Imagine my surprise when she was referring to my own sister.” She scoffs but otherwise remains eerily still.
Her seething, unwavering glare crawls under my skin.