Chapter 19 #2
‘Look, I don’t want to belittle what Etta went through, what she’s still going through.
No child should ever hear that she is hated by her own mum.
And then to be told Xander isn’t her dad was just extra cruel, especially when Brook was leaving Xander to raise her kid on his own – why make things extra hard for them?
But OK, Etta ran away, you don’t have to change your whole life because of that.
You ran away when you were her age because I’d stolen one of your dolls and dyed her hair green. ’
Immy smirked at that. As she remembered, she’d come back after five minutes. ‘OK, what would you do if Zara didn’t like Quinn, begged you not to be with him?’
‘That’s tricky because Zara has always loved Quinn, even before we got together.
But I think I would try to get to the bottom of her feelings, which in Etta’s case we already know are based around her justifiable insecurities.
I’d try to address them as much as I can, which by the sounds of it Xander is doing, but ultimately, I love Quinn with everything I have.
It might sound completely heartless but I don’t think I’d let Zara’s feelings get in the way of us being together.
It sounds like Xander feels the same. He recognised it for what it was, a blip. ’
‘It was a bit more than that. Listening to Etta sobbing broke my heart.’
‘Kids, especially ones that young, don’t really have the emotional range to cope with things like that.
Things are either great or it’s the end of the world.
When I told Zara her dad had died, she was four, and yes she cried for a while but then she wanted to go out and play on her rollerskates a few hours later.
Kids are resilient, they bounce back, they get used to change very quickly.
That’s not to say she won’t have future meltdowns, especially when the baby is here.
But Xander is right, consistency is the key.
You show up for her, you show her she is loved and you’re there for her no matter how hard she tries to push you away.
Right now you’re playing into those fears of people leaving her, not loving her enough to stay.
And, yes, I know your motives are pure but all she is going to see is that you walked out. ’
Immy sat down heavily on the sofa. ‘Crap, I’ve cocked this up, haven’t I?’
‘Kind of. But if Xander loves you like I kind of suspect he does, then I’m sure he’ll forgive you.’
‘I don’t know if he will.’ Panic started creeping in.
Had she really ruined everything? Would he even let her anywhere near Etta again?
He needed someone who was reliable and trustworthy around his daughter, not someone who would leave at the drop of a hat.
His whole reason for not wanting to be in a relationship with anyone before her was because he didn’t want anyone to be able to hurt Etta again, like Brook did.
And by leaving Immy had gone ahead and done exactly that.
And it wasn’t just Etta she had abandoned, it was Xander too.
His parents had abandoned him, never giving him the love he so desperately needed and now she had too, showing him that her love was worthless. What had she done?
‘And I do think Xander is right about some of this coming from your issues around Zac making you feel worthless and small, a millstone round his neck when you couldn’t do up your shirt buttons or your shoelaces,’ Alex said.
‘You’ve carried the scars of that for years and always fought to be independent because of how he made you feel.
You’re worried that being pregnant is causing all kinds of problems for Xander so I think there’s a part of you that wants to get out now before you piss him off, before you see that look of love turn to frustration.
But don’t you think you owe it to Xander to let him decide whether he wants you in his life, warts and all?
If he keeps telling you that he’s not bothered by any of these problems then maybe you should believe him. ’
Immy shook her head. Had there really been a part of her that was acting in self-preservation in all of this? No, this had all been for Etta, she was sure of it.
She glanced at Alex. ‘I thought you’d be on my side.’
‘The side of madness? I don’t think so. I can’t pat you on the head and say you did the right thing and then let you walk away from the best thing that ever happened to you.
No one knows if what you and Xander have will last forever, but if it makes you that happy then isn’t it worth giving it your all? ’
Immy let out a heavy sigh. ‘I need to go.’
‘Yes, you do.’
Immy could feel panic rising up in her already and she had to try to squash it down; now was not the time to suddenly forget how to tie her shoelaces or brush her teeth, she needed clarity not cloudiness.
But the fear was already crawling in her chest. ‘What if he doesn’t want to give me a second chance? ’
‘Then the man’s an idiot because, the way he was looking at you, I’m pretty sure he feels the same way you do and he’s not going to give that up easily.’
Immy gave her sister a hug and hurried out of the house.
Xander looked up to see Logan and Max walking through the shop door.
Every time the shop bell rang, he’d hoped it was Immy changing her mind, but it was coming to the close of the day and he’d still not seen her.
He didn’t know whether to go back over and see her and try to persuade her or leave it, at least for a few days.
He was still so angry and hurt over her reaction and maybe he needed time to cool down himself because snapping at her wasn’t going to solve anything.
It was quieter in the shop now, which was good as he was going to close in fifteen minutes. He served the last customer currently in the shop and then turned to Logan who was patiently waiting. Max went over to chat with Etta who was busily colouring in her activity book.
‘I just came to see how Etta was after last night,’ Logan said.
There hadn’t been much time to explain to Logan everything that had happened the night before. Xander had just wanted to spend time with Etta and calm her down.
‘Max, can you take Etta upstairs and give her a bowl of ice cream?’ Xander said.
Etta looked up, her eyes lighting up with excitement.
‘Only if I can have some too.’
‘Of course you can,’ Etta said, taking Max’s hand and leading him through the back door that led up to the flat. ‘Do you want sprinkles?’
‘Of course, ice cream just isn’t the same without sprinkles.’
Xander waited for them to disappear upstairs before he spoke.
‘She’s absolutely fine, like it never happened.’
‘What did happen? Why did she run away in the first place?’
Xander explained how Etta’s grandparents had revealed he wasn’t her dad and how she’d got upset and they’d left her in the car to come up and talk to him and she’d run away from there. He also told him what she’d said about Immy and the baby and Immy’s reaction to it this morning.
Logan let out a heavy breath. ‘Your ex-in-laws have a lot to answer for.’
‘I know. I was so angry with them last night to take it upon themselves to tell Etta that I wasn’t her dad when I wasn’t even there to help her deal with it.
I haven’t brought myself to speak to them today.
They texted to see how Etta was and apologised again but I just replied she was fine and left it at that.
And Etta has been completely normal again today, she was even sad that Immy left despite the fact that she ended things between us because Etta specifically said she didn’t want Immy or the baby to live with us.
She said she misses Immy and didn’t want her to go.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do. Immy was adamant that we couldn’t continue because she wanted to do the right thing for Etta and I feel so utterly heartbroken about it all.
We were meant to be together, not just because of the baby, but… because I love her.’
‘And did you tell her that?’
Xander shook his head. ‘I was completely blindsided. I had no idea she was going to end things. We’ve been so happy together,’ he sighed.
‘She told me she loved me yesterday and I couldn’t tell her how I felt.
I thought I needed the right words, the right time.
I don’t know why but I couldn’t say it.’
‘Because it scared you, because no one has ever told you they loved you before and you didn’t know what to do with that.
You didn’t know how to react. When you were little you’d send letters and cards to our parents telling them you loved them and never got anything back.
You’re scared of ruining this thing and losing it so you’ve told yourself it has to be perfect – candles, flowers – when she just needs to hear the words. ’
Xander didn’t want to hear this. If he’d told Immy he loved her would it have been different?
‘I dismissed her love this morning, when she told me she was doing this because she loved me. I told her she couldn’t love me if she wanted to leave.
But now I realise that if you love someone, you’d do anything for them, including breaking your own heart if need be.
She was trying to give me this… gift and I just threw it back in her face. ’
Logan sighed but for once had no pearls of wisdom to fix all this, which didn’t give Xander hope. His brother always had a solution. As the silence dragged on Xander felt a sense of unease settle over him. ‘You think this is for the best, don’t you?’