Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Immy zipped up the last bag of her stuff as Xander watched her from the doorway. Etta was downstairs in the shop with Max for a few minutes so Xander could help Immy back across the street to her flat.
‘I hate this,’ Xander said.
‘I do too,’ Immy said, trying not to let her voice wobble. ‘That’s everything – I’m ready to go.’
He grabbed her bags and she followed him as he walked downstairs, across the street and up the stairs to her flat.
She’d already taken Jacob over a short while before.
She’d decided to stay at hers and just light some candles tonight.
She had so much she needed to do to get the shop ready for the Easter egg hunt the next day, so it made sense to be here.
Xander placed the bags down in the lounge and she took a deep breath, summoning courage for what she was about to say.
‘We need to end this,’ Immy said, her heart breaking.
He looked stunned, he clearly hadn’t been expecting that at all. ‘What? This is just a little break for a few days, not the end.’
‘Etta needs you, now more than ever, and I’m just getting in the way of that.
She didn’t run away last night because she found out you weren’t her dad, she’s had eighteen months to get used to that idea and she never ran away before.
She ran because she’s scared that you’ll love me and your baby more than her.
That’s my fault and I can’t let that happen again.
Reassuring her and telling her that you love her and will always love her aren’t enough.
You’ve been pretty consistent saying that to her since you’ve told her about the baby and she still ran.
She needs to see it, to know she is one hundred percent your priority, and the only way you can do that is if I’m not there. ’
‘No, no, no. Are you serious? We just need a few days’ break for her to calm down then we can start again, slower this time, like we should have done. Stay over one night a week then slowly build up to two nights, then three until she’s used to you being around.’
Immy shook her head. ‘No, she’s feeling pushed out. She’s scared she’s going to lose you. And if she’s feeling like that now, how is she going to feel when the baby’s here?’
‘I can’t believe you’re doing this. You’re talking about her abandonment issues and yet here you are abandoning her at the first hurdle.’
She took a step back, feeling like he’d slapped her. ‘I’m doing this for her, for you. I’m doing this because I love you.’
Xander shook his head. ‘No, this isn’t love, not even close.
If it was love you’d stay and fight for us, leaving wouldn’t even be on your radar.
This isn’t about her, this is about you.
You’re so scared of feeling in the way or a burden that you’re running away now rather than face our troubles together.
You’ve been hurt and let down in the past and now you’re too scared to let someone in. ’
‘This has nothing to do with that, this is what Etta wants. It broke my heart that I’m the reason she ran away.
I don’t want her to feel unloved because of me.
None of this is your fault, you were managing just fine before I came along.
But she has to learn to trust you again and she can’t do that when I’m there and you’re giving some of your attention to me.
Your life would be so much easier if I wasn’t in it. ’
‘This is my point. How can you say it has nothing to do with your past and then say the very reason you broke up with your ex? And I don’t want an easy life, I want you.’
She wrinkled her nose. That sounded like a backhanded compliment. ‘And those two don’t go hand in hand.’
‘Christ, relationships are not supposed to be all sunshine and roses. The ones that are worth fighting for are worth all the blood, sweat and tears because being together is the only thing that matters.’
‘How would you know what a real relationship looks like? The only long-term relationship you’ve had was with a woman that loved you so much she cheated on you every single day of your marriage.’
‘And your last long-term relationship was with a man that made you feel weak and worthless. If that’s your basis for comparison for what love is then we probably should end it, as you’re not going to get that from me.’
Immy looked away angrily. How was she the bad guy in this? This was killing her but she was trying to do the right thing for Etta.
‘You know what, you’re right,’ Xander said. ‘I’m clearly bad at this love thing as I’m with a woman who claims to love me and yet she can’t get away from me fast enough.’
‘Do you think I want this? I want to be with you forever. I want to get married to you and raise our family together. I love you so damn much, but I can’t do this to Etta.
Listening to her sob her little heart out last night because of me absolutely broke me.
’ Her voice caught, tears forming in her eyes.
‘You said being together is the only thing that matters but she matters more.’
His face softened and he moved towards her but she took a step back. ‘You need to go.’
She needed him gone before she fell apart.
‘So this is really it?’ His voice was rough.
‘It has to be. This doesn’t affect you seeing your baby. I’d never stop you doing that. We can come up with an arrangement so we can co-parent, joint custody if you want it. But I totally understand if you’d prefer not to be a part of the baby’s life.’
His face hardened again. ‘If that’s what you think about me, then you don’t know me at all.’
With that he walked out the flat and, as the door closed behind him, she burst into tears.
Xander walked back across the road to the shop where Etta was watching out of the window.
‘Is Immy going back home?’ Etta asked as he walked back into the shop.
Max looked up from where he was restocking the shelves, clearly confused by what was going on too. Xander hadn’t had much chance to talk to him about what had happened the night before.
‘Yes, honey,’ Xander said to Etta.
‘Why?’
He let out a heavy breath. He was so angry and hurt right now with Immy’s decision and he needed to be careful not to let that anger out around Etta. This wasn’t her fault. It was Brook’s. She’d been dead for eighteen months and her actions were still having repercussions.
He knew he had to answer this really delicately. ‘Immy knows you were sad last night and she is worried that you might be sad because of her staying with us and the new baby. She thinks you might be happier if she went back home.’
Etta looked back out the window. ‘I don’t want her to go back home. I like Immy.’
He wiped his hand across his face so she wouldn’t see his frustration but she was still busily looking wistfully out of the window. He loved his daughter so much but there were rare occasions he wanted to bang his head against the wall.
‘How can I play with my baby brother or sister if they are over there and we are over here?’ Etta said.
He had no words at all.
‘Does this mean we’re not going to move to a big house with a treehouse anymore?’ Etta asked.
‘I don’t know,’ Xander said, because in the last ten minutes all his plans for his future had gone right out the window and he had no idea if there was any coming back from this. Immy was supposedly doing all this for Etta but Etta didn’t want this either.
He was tempted to take Etta straight over to see Immy and get his daughter to tell her what she’d just said but he would never use his daughter in that way or put her in the middle.
Also he knew that this was largely to do with Immy’s issues from her past when she’d been made to feel like a burden.
Etta’s meltdown was the catalyst but it wasn’t the reason, not really.
Until Immy trusted him they couldn’t move forward.
‘I miss her,’ Etta said, sadly.
He refrained himself from rolling his eyes. He knew the night before had been distressing and traumatic for Etta and she’d been feeling overwhelmed and confused and had lashed out at Immy, indirectly, because of it. But this all felt so needless and Immy had felt unwelcome because of it.
He turned round to Max. ‘Can you just watch her for another five minutes?’
‘Of course.’
He went upstairs to the flat and closed the door and, leaning his head against it, he let out a groan of frustration and pain.
Immy watched Quinn play with Zara in the garden of their new house.
She’d just told Alex everything that had happened the night before when Etta had run away and her heartbreaking decision this morning.
She’d also told her what had happened with Brook eighteen months before, as Alex needed to know this was more than just a little girl upset about her dad moving on.
Etta had scars and Immy wasn’t sure if they would ever heal.
Alex was sitting silently, clearly taking it all in. Finally she spoke. ‘So just to be really clear, you’ve broken up with the man you love because his little girl got upset and ran away?’
Immy felt exasperated. She’d been sure Alex would understand, she had a daughter she adored and would do anything for. Surely she would understand this more than anyone. ‘I’m doing this for Etta. She needs him more than I do.’
‘But you’re in love with Xander. You’ve never been in love before so this isn’t something you should throw away so readily. I literally have never seen you so happy as when you’re with him and you’ve walked away from that?’
‘I did it for Etta. She’s upset because now her dad has me in his life when before she had him all to herself. There’s a baby on the way, one that is really Xander’s. Of course she will be worried that he will love the baby more than her.’