Chapter 16 Samir
One wouldn’t think so, but watching Cole wield an ax was an almost spiritual experience. From the way he held it, to the way his posture changed, to the determination in his gaze, he was quite the sight to behold.
My entire body came to life as I watched him cut the tree down. A wave of goosebumps that left a lasting impression on me and made me forget how to breathe, how to swallow, how to even blink.
I hadn’t seen that side of him before, but he never looked more like a firefighter than now. Not even when he’d been standing on that stage being auctioned off.
It was intoxicating. A dangerous thing for my already overwhelmed mind that refused to stop thinking of him for more than two seconds.
Just before the tree came down, he stopped, wiped his forehead, and caught me staring. I felt like I’d been caught red-handed, which was silly considering we were dating, so of course I would be watching him, but that didn’t stop my cheeks from getting warm.
Before he started chopping again, he winked at me, and I choked on air. It was only when Ella started clapping and cheering that I realized he’d probably been winking at his daughter instead, and I was once again projecting my desires on the man.
I shook my head and turned to the little girl whose hand I was holding and smiled, giving her little fingers a squeeze.
“What’s Daddy doing?” I asked her.
“Tree!” she exclaimed in response.
“Yeah, he’s cutting a tree.”
A few moments later, Cole stepped back, dropped the ax, and put his hands in the air, yelling “timber.”
The pine tree toppled to the side with a thud, and I raised Ella in the air, cheering for her dad, celebrating something so simple. Yet the way Cole beamed at his daughter, I could tell it was beyond precious for him.
“Great work, Mr. Firefighter,” I said, and Cole gave me a crooked smile before taking his daughter in his arms and jumping up and down with her, causing the little one to giggle uncontrollably.
I took the scene in. How beautiful it was to witness.
What a beautiful memory they were making, and yet I couldn’t help but wonder what on earth I was doing in it.
This shouldn’t be a moment shared by a stranger.
Someone who probably wouldn’t be in their lives by this time next year.
It should be something they cherished on their own.
But even as that realization hit me, it was another one that hit harder.
That I wanted to be part of this. Part of their family.
Part of Cole and Ella’s life. To share more moments like this.
But I had no idea if it was even in the cards for me.
Not just with Cole, but with anyone whatsoever.
After all, I was a forty-one-year-old with no social or personal life.
I couldn’t get too attached. There was no reason to. Cole and I, we weren’t compatible. If we were, he wouldn’t have stepped away when I tried to get closer to kiss him yesterday.
He was probably dating me because he felt obligated to. He probably only saw me as a friend. And that was okay. I just had to keep reminding myself of the fact before I fell for him or something and hurt myself in the process.
“Right,” Cole said, approaching me. “Now, how the heck do we get this in the car?”
I laughed. I laughed louder than the comment warranted seeing as it wasn’t even funny. But I had to ward off the disappointment somehow, right?
“Hm… now that’s a question,” I said.
But even that problem wasn’t hard to solve.
We took turns dragging the tree back to the car and got it hoisted up to the roof. While I secured it, Cole paid the farm worker, and we set off back into town. Back into reality.
“Oh, Ella, look, the ice-skating rink is up and running!” Cole pointed when we drove around the side streets of Main Street trying to get back to Cole’s house.
“Ring, ring, ring,” Ella cheered, clapping. “I wanna go ring-ring.”
Cole glanced at her through the rearview and then at me. I should have said no. I should have told him this was a thing for him to do with his daughter on their own. And yet it was easy to forget myself when those bright gray eyes of his looked at me and set my world on fire.
Which was how I’d found myself in the ice-skating rink a few minutes later.
Cole took to the sides, supporting himself on the barrier around the rink and trying not to fall while I stood next to him, holding Ella’s hand.
“Is it your first time skating?” I asked him.
“No,” Cole replied defensively, which somehow made him look cuter. “But I haven’t been since I was a teenager. Give me a minute. I’ll get the hang of it.”
I nodded, and as if on cue, he toppled over, making Ella laugh.
“Hey! No laughing at Daddy,” Cole groaned.
“Are you okay?” I asked, offering him my hand.
He glanced at it for a moment before he grabbed it, and I pulled him up, almost losing my balance in the process.
As soon as he was on his feet, he grabbed onto the barrier again and caught his breath.
“What?” he asked. He looked flustered.
“Nothing.” I chuckled. “Why don’t we leave you to get reacquainted with the ice, and I’ll show Ella how to do this?”
Cole raised an eyebrow and gave a barely noticeable nod, and we set off.
“Come on, Ella, let’s show Daddy how it’s done,” I told the little one and grabbed both her hands, placing her in front of me and instructed her to move her legs.
She started walking on the skates, but after a couple of tries with me demonstrating for her, she began gliding instead. She was a little unbalanced to begin with, but by the time we made a full round, she was a lot more confident.
Confident enough to wave at her dad as we passed him by on our way to another lap.
Even when she lost her balance and fell, she didn’t cry or complain. She laughed, brushed it off, and had another go.
Cole had stopped trying to catch up with us. Instead, he stood to the side and watched us with a smile on his face.
There. That’s it, I told myself.
It was moments like these that made remembering I wasn’t supposed to get too attached hard.
Because I wanted to get attached. I wanted my days to be full of him and Ella, building memories like these. But I was sure Cole didn’t want that. He was doing this, dating me, because he felt like he had to, surely.
So the best I could do was swallow my feelings and resist the temptation he was. It shouldn’t be too hard. I’d resisted temptation for years now. Resisted experimenting, dating, hooking up, the whole shebang because I wasn’t a victim to my emotions and my desires.
“What do you think, Ella? Should we go help your dad?” I pointed to Cole, and Ella bit her lip, shaking her head.
“Wanna ring-ring more,” she replied.
I had to admit. Her calling ice-skating ring-ring was freaking adorable.
Though I couldn’t imagine anything coming out of her mouth not being adorable.
Which was a strange thing to think about if I considered the fact I’d never had any strong feelings about kids.
About having them or being around them. Not that I was bad with kids. I was just happier amongst cats.
But Ella?
She was too sweet for words. I didn’t know if it was how Cole looked at her, how much she clearly loved him, how cheeky she could be, or smart, considering she’d taken to ice-skating like a house on fire, but I liked her. Just looking at her smiling little face made my heart feel warmer.
I shook my head with a sigh and focused on the skating. I wasn’t supposed to get attached to either of them. Not that there would be anything wrong with becoming attached. I mean, attachment didn’t mean a romantic relationship with Cole. Friends got attached. He could be my friend.
I swallowed a knot on my throat.
Yeah. Friends could be good.
“I need to catch my breath,” I said and came to a stop in front of Cole.
It wasn’t a lie either. I was out of breath. Not Ella though. She pulled at my hand, begging to keep going.
“Come on, Ella. I’ll take you,” Cole offered, but Ella grimaced.
“You can’t ring-ring, Daddy,” she grumbled, and I burst out laughing.
Cole stared back at his daughter, looking stunned.
“Um, excuse me, daughter, but I can so ring-ring,” he finally said and started moving his legs until he all but face-planted the ice, making Ella giggle.
“See? Daddy can’t ring-ring,” she said.
Cole turned to me, and I concealed a smile, shrugging in response. Thankfully, he also laughed and attempted to stand back up.
And once again, I couldn’t stop watching him. Even in despair he looked absolutely captivating. Too captivating. How could a young, attractive guy ever be interested in an old man like me?
Yeah. Friends was probably the best we could be.
I offered him my hand and helped him back to his feet before he threw in the towel and announced it was time to get home. I held on to him, and Ella with my other hand, and guided them back to the exit so we could put our shoes back on.
By the time we got to the car, I could breathe like a normal person again. And Ella was cheering for more ring-ring. Even as Cole strapped her onto the backseat and promised her they’d be back for more ring-ring soon.
“No. I wanna go ring-ring with Sami,” she said.
That put a smile on my face.
“Any time, gorgeous girl.” I gave her a thumbs up, and she reciprocated before Cole shut the back door.
“Thanks for today,” he said.
I glanced at him and smiled.
“Don’t mention it.”
“No, of course I will. I had a great time.”
“You did?” I raised an eyebrow.
He nodded.
“Watching you with Ella was so sweet. I think she likes you.”
“I like her too. You’ve got a great kid.”
He let out a long breath. “And don’t I know it,” he said, and I gazed into his eyes, stilling my body for fear of it betraying how on edge he made me feel. How alive.
We were standing there for seconds. Seconds that felt like minutes, but just when I thought it was all about to be over, he leaned in. He leaned in, and I sucked in a deep breath, bracing myself as his lips touched my cheek.
It only lasted a second, but the ghost of his kiss lingered there like a tattoo that could never fade.
“Thanks for teaching her how to skate,” he said.
I had no idea if I even acknowledged his compliment in any way. In fact, everything became a blur past the kiss.
So it was no wonder that my next clear memory was standing in the middle of the parking lot, on my own, unsure how I got there in the first place.
But then it all came rushing back to me, and I made my way home feeling utterly hopeless.
The memories from today—from all three of our dates, of his company—haunted me, putting a smile on my face at random points during the day. So much so that it earned me endless teasing from Zainab who thought I must have had sex because “I was glowing.”
I didn’t know if that was true, but what I knew was that I was screwed. Utterly screwed. And not in a good way.
Because try as I might to deny it or stop it, I was falling in love with my new friend. I might not be experienced in matters of love, but I knew that much.