Chapter 30 Samir
“Oh, honey. Please eat something,” Zay said and I turned my head in her direction but didn’t look her in the eyes.
“I’ve eaten,” I mumbled.
“You barely touched your roasted lamb or your cauliflower soup. At least have some qumbe. You love qumbe.”
I sighed and stared at the coconut cake balls piled up in the smallest plate in my kitchen and groaned.
“Not hungry,” I said, surprising even myself.
Alina sat down next to me and tapped my knee.
“You have to move on, sweetie. It’s been a week,” she said.
“I don’t want to move on,” I groaned. “I want to know what I did wrong.”
“Maybe it’s nothing,” Zainab said.
“A lot of guys are only after sex and once they get it, they’re out the door. Maybe that’s what happened here,” Alina suggested.
I shook my head.
“It couldn’t be. You don’t go out on a gazillion dates, spend time with his daughter, and go away for a weekend just for a night in the sack.”
Zainab shrugged.
“You said it yourself. He’s spent however long grieving and depressed. Maybe that was what all he wanted but didn’t know it until he got it.”
“Or maybe he realized he’s not as bi as he thought he was,” Alina added, and I leaned forward to bury my head in my hands.
“You’re not helping,” I growled.
I knew that wasn’t it. I didn’t know what it was, but Cole wasn’t like that. He couldn’t be. I might not have known him for long, but I could tell he was different.
And if he wasn’t, then… there was something seriously wrong with me for not being able to read him right.
“Just think of it this way. You took your first step into the gay dating world. Now you don’t have anything to be afraid of,” Zainab said.
I shook my head and kept it firmly in place in my hands.
I didn’t want to date. I didn’t want to meet other guys. I wanted him. I just needed him to tell me what I’d done wrong so I could fix it.
Fuck!
There was something seriously wrong with me if I was making excuses for him after the way he treated me in Boston.
But I had to… I had to believe he wasn’t all that bad. Because if I believed he was only in it for a good fuck then that negated all our dates, all the times we’d spent together, all the stuff we’d shared.
Someone meowed at my feet, and when I uncovered my head, I found Chibiusa staring at me, full of curiosity. As soon as I picked her up, she started purring. Just when she’d gotten all cozy up in my arms, the buzzer went off, and she dug her claws in my sweater.
“Ouch.” I winced.
“Who the hell could that be? It’s Christmas Day!” Alina shot up and walked to the video doorbell, and she gasped, putting her hands over her mouth.
She turned to us with big round eyes and practically shrieking.
“What? Who is it? Santa? Tell him he’s looking for the next house down the road,” Zainab said, but Alina didn’t humor her girlfriend.
She shook her head and turned to me.
“What?” I asked.
“You’re not gonna believe it,” she said.
“Who is it, Alina?”
Alina finally put her hands down and pursed her lips.
“It’s… him.”
Him? Him him? Could it be?
“Him who?” I asked, and even Zainab rolled her eyes at me considering she’d been just as clueless a second before. “Cole?” I asked.
Alina nodded, smiling.
“Stop that,” Zainab told her. “Don’t get him all excited. For all we know, he’s just after another blowie before he ghosts Samir again.”
I shook my head.
No. That couldn’t be it. Cole had never given me the impression he would do something like that. That he’d booty-call and sleep around when he was horny.
Unless…
Unless I’d woken up something in him that he’d put to sleep since his girlfriend and now he’d turned into the typical twenty-four-year-old horndog.
The buzzer went off again.
Alina turned to me. “What—what do I do?” she asked.
I bit my lip and took a deep breath, trying to ignore the pounding in my chest. It wasn’t appropriate. It was jumping ahead. It had no right beating like that when I had no idea why he was here.
“Answer it,” I mumbled and stood right up. “No! I’ll… I’ll answer it.”
Alina put her hand down, and I approached her, but instead of stepping closer to the doorbell, I took the stairs.
I needed to see him. I needed him to look me in the eyes. I needed to keep him at bay. Because if he did indeed only want sex then I couldn’t let him in. I couldn’t let him come upstairs into my home and back into my life.
My hand trembled as I reached for the door handle, and I steadied it with my other hand. I inhaled, exhaled, and answered the door.
“Samir,” he said, and as soon as his gaze met mine, it took all my resolve not to fall into his arms.
Gosh, I was pathetic. I was seriously so pathetic. I was forty-one years old for crying out loud. I shouldn’t be acting like a pubescent teenager. This man had hurt me. I’d let him into my life, I’d trusted him with my heart and my body, and he’d treated me like dirt.
Focus, Samir.
“Cole. What do you want?” I said in my best icy tone.
Cole’s head dropped, and he closed his eyes. His shoulders sagged.
“You have every right to be mad at me. Every right to tell me to go fuck myself and never bother you again. That’s what I would do, but… I just… I want to explain. To apologize.”
My heart thumped, making me all shaky and woozy, but I held my ground.
“Explain what? You got what you wanted. It took you a while, but you did. You don’t have to beat a dead horse. You can move on to the next conquest.”
It hurt. It physically hurt saying those things to him. But he’d hurt me too, and putting a mental barrier between him and myself was my only protection. My only safety.
“It’s not like that, Samir. Baby, it’s not like that.” He took a step forward and grabbed me by the sweater. “You’re not just a…” He breathed and pulled me onto him.
My forehead crashed into his. I lost my balance and fell onto him, and he used the wall of my hallway to keep us both upright. His hands grabbed onto my head, and his lips? His lips crashed into mine.
He kissed me messily, angrily, passionately. Whatever it was, it took my breath away. It made me forget. Forget what he’d done and remember; remember everything he’d made me feel since we met.
I surrendered to his kiss. I had no choice. Or, more accurately, I did but didn’t want to choose otherwise.
I let him kiss me, and I kissed him back, I slipped my tongue into his mouth, reacquainted myself with his taste, the memory of which had started to fade since we’d last seen each other.
He couldn’t tell me this didn’t feel good. He couldn’t tell me this wasn’t fucking great.
So why?
Why?
I pushed him away, pushed him off me, and tried to catch my breath.
“Why, Cole? Why did you treat me like that? Is it because you were only after sex? Or is it because I’m so much older than you? Or is it something else?”
“No. I don’t think you’re too old for me. And I was definitely not after the sex.”
“Really?” I mumbled. “Because you can tell me if it was the age thing. I know I’m old.”
Cole rolled his eyes and huffed.
“Shut up, Samir. You’re not old. And even if you are older than me I’ve never felt like our age difference was an obstacle to overcome.”
“Then what is it Cole?”
Cole panted and stared at me like a wounded puppy. It took all my strength not to start kissing him again.
“I… I got scared,” he said. “I thought I was ready, and I was, but I also got scared. You’re the first person I’ve slept with since Sandra.
Hell, before you, I was dead. Like, broken.
I haven’t had an erection or the appetite to do something about it since I lost the love of my life.
So I got scared. I got scared by how much I wanted you and how good you made me feel, and it freaked me the fuck out.
I don’t know how else to say it, to describe it, but I was scared. ”
Tears ran down his cheeks and his lip quivered. His eyes shone but never wavered from me.
“You’re not scared now?” I asked, my voice shaky, barely audible.
“I’m terrified.” Cole laughed but it wasn’t out of amusement.
It was the kind of laugh you laughed when trying not to break down.
“I don’t know if it will happen again. If I will feel guilty and regretful again.
I don’t want to disappoint you again. I don’t want to treat you like shit again, but I also know that I can’t stop thinking about you.
I can’t stop dreaming of you. Wanting to be with you.
Samir, I never thought I’d fall in love again.
Not after everything I went through. But…
somehow, somewhere along the way, I did.
With you. And it fucking scares the hell out of me, but I don’t…
I don’t want to run anymore. At least not away from you.
So if you think you can forgive me and take me back even though I’m a broken man who is still trying to put his own pieces back together and doesn’t know what might terrify him next, then please, Samir. Please take me—”
I had heard enough. I grabbed him by his coat and pulled him back to me. Back to my mouth and my arms and my soul and held him there. I kissed him. I kissed him until my lips went sore, and even then, I didn’t stop.
“Woo-hoo. Go Samir!” someone cheered, and the sudden interruption made us stop and look around.
There was no one there. No one out in the streets that were starting to be covered in snow and no one in their windows looking at us.
“Oh, shit. They heard us,” someone else said, and I glanced at my doorbell.
“You two!” I growled at the device.
“You’re not alone?” Cole asked.
I shook my head.
“Not yet,” I answered and pulled Cole inside, closing the door behind him. “Can you stay a little? I’ll kick them out.”
He shook his head.