Chapter 24 #2
“Pete. He thinks about me constantly and I’ve been thoughtless, and careless of his feelings. I’ve done that terrible thing—I’ve taken him for granted.” She felt regret and something close to panic.
“How? Anna, you adore Pete.” Claudia’s tone was calming. “We all know that. Pete knows that.”
Did he? She frequently told him that she loved him, but what mattered more was showing it. Making him feel how much she loved him. And it seemed she hadn’t done that.
She felt the sofa dip as Erica shifted closer and put her arm around her.
“Do you want to tell us what happened?”
“It’s my fault. You know how much I’m dreading the kids leaving.
” She reached forward and grabbed the only tissue that hadn’t been used to mop up wine.
“And I’ve talked to Pete about it because we always talk about everything.
” She blew her nose. “And he listened, as he always does, but lately something felt off in our conversations.”
“Off?”
“Little things. I didn’t feel as if we were connecting in the way we usually do. And after our toy shop visit I was feeling a bit down so I called him and—” she could hardly bear to talk about it “—he basically said I was making him feel irrelevant.”
“Irrelevant?”
“As if he doesn’t matter. When I told him how much I was dreading them leaving, he took it personally.
As if I was saying there was nothing left in my life.
As if, once the kids have gone, that’s it.
He’d obviously been feeling it for a while and hadn’t said anything.
And I do focus on the kids a lot. I know I do. Probably too much. He’s not wrong.”
“The kids are a huge part of your life.”
“I know.” She paused. “It was so important to me to be a good mother.”
“And you are. You have a great relationship with your kids.”
“But at what cost? Pete and I used to be disciplined about date nights and spending time together but lately, whenever Pete suggested a weekend away, I almost always found a reason not to go. I think, subconsciously, I wanted to make the most of this time with the kids. Why do something just the two of us, when we could do it as the four of us? And I didn’t even think about it.
Everyone talks about work-life balance. Getting it right.
But I didn’t balance things in my family.
And I can see that now, but I can’t undo it. ”
“You’re shaking.” Erica put her hand over hers and squeezed. “So you had this conversation after we went to the bookstore. How has it been since then?”
“We haven’t talked since. And that’s unusual for us.
” Anna blew her nose again. “We’ve exchanged a few messages, but every time I call he doesn’t pick up.
Then he sent me a message saying he’d call when he had a spare moment.
A spare moment? What does that even mean?
” She could feel herself spiraling and tried to calm herself.
“Maybe he really didn’t have a spare moment,” Claudia said and shrugged when they both looked at her. “What? This is Pete we’re talking about. Pete isn’t a sulker.”
“That’s true.” Erica gripped Anna’s hand firmly.
“One of the things I’ve always admired—envied—about you and Pete is your ability to always find a solution that works for both of you.
I remember a conversation we had once when you told me that it’s important to choose your battlegrounds.
You told me that there were things about Pete that infuriated you—”
“The way he leaves his bowl on top of the dishwasher.” Anna sniffed and tried to smile.
“And things that infuriated him about you.”
“I’m always at least ten minutes late for everything.”
“Exactly. But you both know when to let things go. The most important thing is that the two of you are good at resolving problems.”
That was true, but this time she was the problem.
“Erica is right,” Claudia said. “There’s nothing you and Pete can’t fix.”
“I don’t know.” Anna used to believe that, but her confidence had been rocked.
She was ashamed of herself, but also confused.
“The thing is I am dreading the children leaving, and I can’t pretend I’m not.
” But she could see now that she could have been more sensitive about it.
She’d stomped in without once thinking how Pete might interpret her reaction.
Erica was silent for a moment. “You can love Pete and enjoy being with him and still feel sad about the kids leaving,” she said finally. “He’s a smart guy. Surely he doesn’t think one emotion cancels out the other?”
“I don’t know. But I can see why he’d be hurt.” It was painful to admit it. “I’ve never once talked about the positive, only the negative. I’ve never said Hey, Pete, we can go on a cruise, or spend a month in Paris learning French.”
“Well, he has a job,” Claudia said briskly, “so a month in Paris would be difficult.”
“I need to fix this.” Anna rubbed her throbbing head with her fingers. “I don’t know how.”
“You could book a posh hotel and buy new lingerie?”
“I think it’s more complicated than that.
I need to look at things differently. See opportunities instead of black clouds.
Take this Christmas, for example. We have so many traditions and they’re gradually slipping away.
Instead of being excited, I’m thinking what if this is the last time?
It feels like an ending.” She extracted her hand from Erica’s and poured herself a glass of water.
“I don’t know what to do. What am I going to do? ”
“Don’t ask us,” Claudia muttered. “You’re the relationship expert. You and Pete, you’re—”
“Yes, except we’re not.” And she realized how badly she needed her friends to tell her everything would be okay. She needed to hear that from someone, preferably from Pete, but if not him then her friends.
But they didn’t. They were silent, as if this tremor in the foundations of the one relationship they’d always regarded as rock solid had somehow shaken them, too.
Claudia shrugged helplessly. “I don’t know, Anna. Erica? You’re the crisis expert.”
“Not a marriage crisis expert.” Erica ran her hand over the back of her neck and breathed. “We all need to stay calm. Maybe if you did a couple of things differently, it would show him you’d paid attention to his feelings.”
Their concern escalated Anna’s own feelings of anxiety.
“Like what? I can hardly lie and say I can’t wait for the kids to go to college.”
“I don’t know,” Erica said. “But maybe it’s to do with not clinging on to the little things. Claudia?”
“Why are you looking at me? My relationship fell apart without me even noticing it was happening. I’m the last person to help.”
Erica floundered. “You were upset about the tree—the kids had plans, you wanted to stick to the usual. Pete suggested lunch.”
“And that was thoughtful.” Anna covered her face with her hands. “And I snapped at him. I should have been flexible. And appreciative that he was trying so hard.”
Erica rubbed her back gently. “Maybe it is time to make new traditions instead of clinging to the old ones.”
Anna let her hands drop into her lap. She felt exhausted. “Any suggestions?”
Erica shrugged. “Have an adventure.”
“At Christmas?” Anna took a sip of water. “What sort of adventure?”
“I don’t know. But do something different,” Erica said. “That way you won’t be sitting around wondering if this is the last time you’re going to be doing it because it will be the first time. Take control.”
“Also, you’re seeing your life as this big empty void but there is so much you could do. You’re great with kids,” Claudia said. “Can’t you do something with that? Volunteer at a school. Work in a library. You know every book there is. Set up a children’s book club or something.”
Anna stared at her. “A children’s book club?”
“Yes, I’m sure your library would host it. They’d love it. Or maybe you can travel around schools. Be a mobile book club.”
Anna felt something stir inside her. A children’s book club. “I like that idea. No idea how it would work, but it’s something to think about.”
She was about to discuss it further when her phone buzzed. She picked it up and felt her heart beat faster. “It’s Pete.” Her fingers were so sweaty she almost dropped the phone. “He wants me to call him if I’m not busy.”
“You’re not busy. Call him. And then come back and tell us what happened because the stress is killing us.” Claudia waved a hand toward the door. “We’ll stay here and eat, and drink and discuss all the reasons women might kill their husbands.”
“If we’ve finished talking about this book then I’d like to end the conversation by saying that I’m surprised she didn’t kill him sooner.
” Erica picked up the book and gave Anna a gentle push.
“Go. And give our love to Pete. Now then, Claudia, you and I are going to talk about how to kill a man and get away with it.”
“I’ve always favored using food.”
Anna rolled her eyes. “You two are delightful.” But she appreciated their attempts to lighten the atmosphere.
She grabbed her room key and her purse and headed to the door.
“Hope it goes well.” Claudia tried hard to sound casual and Anna could tell that her friends were now almost as tense as she was.
“Thanks.”
She walked back to her room, wishing she’d had more time to think through exactly what she was going to say.
Her hand shook as she closed the door behind her and tugged off her boots. She’d been with Pete for more than half her life. He was her best friend and it was ridiculous to feel nervous, but still, she felt nervous as she held her phone and braced herself for the call.
In all the years they’d spent together, they’d never hit a bump as big as this one.
Right now this felt like the most important conversation she was ever going to have.
What if she said the wrong thing? And it shocked her that she could know someone as well as she knew Pete, and love someone as well as she loved Pete and yet still get it wrong.
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and called him.