Chapter 24 #3
“Hi there.”
“Hi. Sorry I haven’t been in touch before.
It’s been a little pressured here. Hold on a moment.
Lola has found one of Meg’s shoes and she’s chewing on it.
Lola! Drop it. I said—” There was a pause and the sound of Lola barking happily.
“Damn. I thought nothing could go wrong in the five minutes it took me to call you. Where did she find that? I was careful. Sorry.”
Anna wanted to ask which shoes, but then she decided she didn’t care. Meg’s shoes were Meg’s problem. She didn’t want to talk about Meg.
“If Meg left the shoes where Lola can grab them, then that’s on her.”
“It wouldn’t have happened on your watch.”
“Of course it would.”
“We both know it wouldn’t, Anna. You’re great at all this. You’re the perfect mother.”
She sat down on the edge of the bed. She wasn’t a perfect anything. “I’ve tried calling you a few times.”
“I know, and I’m sorry it has taken me so long to call you back. You make running the household seem simple, but I’m not you. Things take me a while. And that’s embarrassing to admit because how hard is it to wash a load of laundry without flooding the kitchen?”
“You flooded the kitchen?”
“Don’t worry, we managed to dry it out, but when you messaged me there was no way I was taking your call and admitting to my incompetence.”
That was why he hadn’t responded? “But I messaged you yesterday, too.”
“Yes, and I couldn’t answer because I’d left my phone in the house.”
“If your phone was in the house, where were you?”
“Not in the house.” He sighed. “Locked out of the house.”
“Locked—”
“Yes, locked. I closed the front door and forgot to pick up the keys. And I know you never do that because you’re organized and great at doing nine things at once, but I’m a one-task-at-a-time kind of guy, and I was trying to get Lola out for her walk, and the phone rang as I was leaving and I was distracted—do you know what?
It doesn’t matter. But it meant that it was too late to call you by the time I was reunited with my phone. ”
“Sharon and Mike next door have our key.”
“I remembered that half an hour after I broke in through the downstairs window.”
She winced. “You seem to have had an eventful time while I’ve been away.”
“Not my best week. And poor Daniel is having girl trouble, so I’ve been trying to be supportive.”
“Girl trouble?” Even though she was determined to focus on Pete, she couldn’t help feeling a flicker of anxiety for her youngest child. “Did he talk about it?”
“A bit. Not much. But I’ve got it covered. Don’t worry about it.”
“What did you do?”
“We played computer games. He destroyed me, naturally, something that Meg won’t let me forget in a hurry.”
She imagined them, side by side on the sofa, and the tight knot inside her slowly unraveled. Pete had shown Daniel that whatever happened he was right beside him. In his corner, always.
A lump settled in her throat. Sometimes she felt as if the kids were her responsibility, but that wasn’t true, was it? Right from the moment they were born Pete had been looking out for them, too. And he was still looking out for them.
“Why didn’t you tell me all this when we spoke?”
“About Daniel? Because I didn’t need to.
I knew you’d worry and I didn’t want you to worry.
I handled it. As for the rest of it, I’m proud and stubborn and I like to think I’m a modern man.
But apparently, there are certain household tasks which defeat me, which is humiliating to admit.
Somehow we’ve fallen into traditional roles.
I take out the trash, sort out winter tires for the car and fix windows that won’t open and clear the snow. You do everything else.”
Anna felt love seep through her, filling every corner of her.
“I’m glad you do those things, because I hate doing them.
And who cares if we’re ridiculously traditional when it comes to the domestic stuff?
It works for us. We’re happy with the arrangement.
That’s all that matters.” Her eyes filled.
“And you’re forgetting to mention all the years you’ve trekked to the office even when the job has been horrible.
You did whatever it took to support us, so that I could have my dream and stay at home with the kids.
” She thought about all the times he’d been there for her.
All the times his calm, unflappable nature had made a bad situation better.
He was strong, and kind, and good. And he was hers.
“Oh, Pete—” The relief was so intense she felt shaky. “I’m so pleased.”
“You’re pleased I’m incompetent?”
“You’re not incompetent. I’m pleased that’s the reason you didn’t call.”
“What other reason would there be?”
“I upset you. Because all I’ve thought about lately is the kids leaving.”
“I was upset, but that was my problem. Seeing you distressed about something I can’t help with makes me feel helpless. Inadequate.”
She was stunned. “Inadequate? How?”
“Because this is our family. It’s my job to make sure everything is stable and everyone is happy. If one of the kids has an issue, I’m going to do what I can to fix it or help them fix it themselves. Same for you. But I couldn’t see a way to help you with this.”
Things suddenly started to make more sense. “Is that why you suggested another baby?”
“Desperate measures. I didn’t know what to do, Anna. I wanted there to be a simple solution. I wanted us to be enough.”
It was a struggle to hold back the emotion. “We are enough. More than enough.”
“Remember that conversation we had in the kitchen when we were talking about the Christmas tree? You said you didn’t regret having the kids. You said they were the best thing that ever happened to you and I agreed.”
“Yes.” She wondered where he was going with this.
“I was wrong.” He paused. “The kids aren’t the best thing that ever happened to me, Anna.
You’re the best thing that ever happened to me because without you there would be no kids.
There would be no cozy, welcoming home. There would be no laughter and warmth.
It’s you, Anna. For me, it’s always been you. You’re everything.”
You’re everything.
She gave up trying to fight the emotion. Tears slid down her cheeks.
“You’re everything to me, too. And I owe you an apology.
A big one. I hurt you—” her voice cracked “—and I feel terrible about that. I was thoughtless and careless and I will never do that again. I don’t know when I became so focused on the kids, but that’s going to change.
Yes, I feel sad about the fact that everything is changing, but I’m also excited.
I’m excited about all the things we’re going to get to do that we couldn’t possibly have done when we had kids living at home.
And I should have said that before now. I’m sorry, Pete.
” She’d used up all her tissues on Erica’s wine accident, so she wiped her tears with her sleeve.
“Don’t cry, honey.” His voice was soft. “Honestly? It’s good to know you’re not actually perfect after all.”
She gave a choked laugh. “What are you talking about? Of course I’m perfect.” It was a relief to joke about it, a relief to feel that warmth between them once again.
“In fact, you are pretty perfect. After this week I think I’m understanding more about why you feel the way you do.
This home stuff is all-consuming and sometimes I forget that.
It’s your whole world. It’s more than losing your job, because normally, if you lose your job you still have a home.
But in your case, home fills your life. I’m sorry I didn’t really get that. ”
She finally found a tissue and blew her nose. “And I’m sorry if I made you feel for one second that you weren’t enough. Or important. Or that I wasn’t looking forward to exploring a new life together.” Her voice cracked. “I love you so much.”
“I know you do. And I love you.” His voice softened. “What I said about having another baby—I know it was a wild suggestion, but I meant it. If that’s what you want, let’s do it.”
This time the answer was easy. “It’s not what I want, but thank you for always paying attention to my happiness.”
“In that case, we need to start thinking about how we can make this transition easier for you.”
She leaned back against the cushions, wondering whether to mention the children’s book club idea.
No. She wanted to think about it a little more first. “This week away has been good for that. It has given me some perspective. I need to accept that it’s going to be an adjustment, and I need to just go with it and focus on other things.
Maybe we can go back to Paris, and this time stay somewhere with a view and eat in romantic bistros instead of having a carpet picnic. ”
“I love that idea. We’ll book the trip for just after we take them to college. That way we won’t sit around the house moping.”
“You think you’d mope, too?”
“I might, although obviously I’d do it in a manly way. I’d tinker with the car engine or barbecue something and I’d pretend to be the strong one. I definitely wouldn’t confess that I’d messaged Meg five times to check she was okay.”
She laughed. “Paris sounds like a good idea.”
“And I was thinking more about how upset you were about our Christmas tree trip. I was too casual about it. I know how much you love our traditions, particularly at Christmas, so I’m going to try harder to make sure we keep those going.”
“You weren’t casual. I was clinging too tightly to tradition.
What does it matter when we fetch the tree?
I’ve been thinking a lot about Christmas generally, and I have a suggestion.
” The idea had come to her while she’d been talking to Erica and Claudia and the more she’d thought about it, the more she was convinced it was the perfect solution.
She hoped her family thought so, too. And as for the future—when the children finally left for college they’d learn to be Anna and Pete again.
Catherine Swift may have given up on romance, but Anna definitely hadn’t. Sometimes when handling change you didn’t need to do something dramatic or big. Sometimes you just needed to shift the emphasis.