Chapter 3 Harper
Harper
Ishould take solace in all the brothers showing up to pay their respects to my uncle but all I feel is anger.
And when I'm not full of rage, a fear takes holds of me and grips its mangled fingers around me. Logically I know he was killed by Hopper and his men, but when I let my thoughts run away with themselves, it’s my mother I blame.
She wrote me, saying she could finally find peace, but I wouldn’t put it past her to drag her brother to the other side because she’s just as much of a fuck up there as she was when she was alive.
She couldn’t bear to be alone when she was here, I don’t reckon she would change that much on the other side.
Why else would I lose one of the constant men in my life.
It was him and only him I had growing up that I could rely on.
He was the reason I had a roof over my head as a child, had food on the table, and clothes on my back.
He was the father I never had and the reason I didn’t believe ‘all men’ were pathetic excuses of oxygen.
No matter how much my mom pissed him off, no matter how many headaches she caused him, he was always there for me.
“Just let me do the talking, okay, sweetheart?”
Staring at the purple bruise under her left eye, I simply nod and return to staring out of the car window.
I was meant to start high school today, instead, we’re driving across the country to go stay with my uncle for a while.
Bobby, Mom’s latest asshole boyfriend is to blame and another ex of hers for me to hate.
It's been so long since we last visited Uncle Slade and I look forward to Aunt Kristen’s cooking.
Unlike my mom, she can cook and my mouth waters at the thought.
She always cooks too much, and I polish off as much as I can, knowing mom will uproot us when she’s had enough of her hometown and we’ll be back to takeouts.
The car turns onto his street, and I sit forward, taking my belt off.
I can’t help the grin when I see him working on his bike on the drive.
Zachery is playing with a water pistol on the front lawn and Kristen is sat on the front step.
As usual, they’re the perfect family and the jealousy consumes me.
Mom parks by the curb and I throw open my door and run over to Slade. He's the only person in this world who smiles when he sees me. His hugs are the best, too.
“Hey, sweetheart. I wasn’t expecting to see ya today.”
I step back and tell him, “Mom walked into another door.”
He hears the sarcasm in my voice and nods before frowning at Lily over the top of my head.
“Lily,” he says sternly.
“Slade,” Mom mimics him.
“Babe, why don’t you take the kids in. I bet Harper’s hungry after such a long drive.”
“Sure, come inside, darling.”
I can hear Mom rolling her eyes, and I hear her say, “I do feed my kid, brother.”
“You also let another guy smack you around, too.”
“It wasn’t like that,” she defends herself.
“No? How’d you come by the black eye?”
Mom sighs dramatically. “Can we stay a few days until I can sort something out? Or are you just going to grill me?”
Slade shoos me inside and closes the front door, blocking out the adult conversation.
“Harper, come in here, I've got some cookies while you wait for dinner.”
Uncle Slade’s house is home, yet I've never stayed longer than a few weeks at a time.
I look over to where JJ is stood between my dad and Leo.
He's my home now and has been for years. He's my only remaining constant. I could cry just at the thought of losing him. It could have easily have been Jay who was gunned down. My leg shakes, and my hands tremble. I can’t sit here any longer, I can’t watch my uncle be lowered into his grave.
His eternal resting place. I stand and everyone looks at me.
I know how funerals go, I don’t need to stay.
I excuse myself and walk back to the bikes, scoping out JJ’s motorcycle.
He follows behind and holds my hand while I straddle his ride.
“I can’t deal, it’s too much.”
Hot tears fall and I angrily wipe them away.
“I know, babe.” He moves closer and wraps his arms around me.
I let the tears free and bury my face into my husband’s chest. The leather is soft against my skin, and I inhale the scent to help calm me. Sometimes I wonder how much closer I can get to him, but nothing could ever feel close enough.
After a while, he climbs on his bike behind me and keeps his arms around me.
“Did you take your meds this morning?” he asks.
Frowning, I admit, “I can’t remember.”
“I’ll count them when we get home.”
I wait for him to lecture me about missing my meds, but it doesn’t come. The last few weeks are a blur, and I can’t seem to pinpoint the last time I can remember something with clarity.
“After today everyone here will go on with their lives. They'll think less and less about Slade,” I murmur.
“The people who matter won’t,” he assures me. “You’ve seen for yourself how the old timers have kept Oak alive for decades. How we all keep India alive, Pope and Ricky too. We'll do the same with your uncle, Dex and Shane.”
I hear the words, but I don’t feel them in my heart.
When my mom died, I could still see the future, I knew that at some point I would start to breathe a little easier as each day passed.
I can’t see any of that after Slade. He was a good man, too good sometimes.
He never hurt anyone unless it was necessary.
He was a provider and a protector, and no one was there to protect him when he needed it the most.
“You know, when Leo and I were growing up, our dads would tell us stories about the good old days, how they rode fast, shot straight, and lived free as men should be. Before they met our moms, they lived solely for the freedom, cash, and the women, but they knew the cost of that life was going down in a blaze of glory with bullets chasing them.”
“I’ve heard the stories too, but he wasn’t carefree and single anymore. He was married and had a family, he had less years to live than he had already experienced. He had no business with bullets.”
“Babe, Slade wouldn’t have wanted to leave his family, but he died protecting you all, the club. I promise you the only thought he would have had at the time, would have been to make sure if anyone was hit, it was him and not Zachery.”
Maybe in time I would have known this myself.
Maybe not. It still doesn’t make me feel any better.
I look up and watch the leaves on the trees sway in the breeze.
It’s calming and I tip my head back to rest against Jay’s shoulder.
His hold on me tightens and he presses a kiss to the side of my head.
Cas and Alannah are the first to walk over when the service is over and Alannah asks, “How are you doing?”
“Not good,” I tell her truthfully.
“How about I take Gunner for the night so you and JJ can have time to yourselves?”
JJ accepts before I can politely decline but I don’t argue.
Gunner loves spending time with his grandma and grandpa.
Leo and Luca are next to walk over with Holly and Victoria following behind.
Victoria hugs me and I’m grateful for her presence.
She’s not new to the depths of grief and I cling to her for as long as I can before pulling away.
Sparky hangs back, he hasn’t said much since that night.
I've only seen him drinking bottle after bottle of tequila. JJ and Bonnie are worried about him and are keeping their eye on him. Brothers hang around, and just like I knew they would, they strike up conversations about their everyday lives. Nothing to do with Slade. They’re moving on already.
Kristen storms over and I go to climb off the motorcycle when she spits on Dad’s patch and JJ locks me down in his arms.
“This club won’t be satisfied until it’s killed my whole family!”
Dad's jaw tenses and his voice is real low when he warns her, “Do that again and I'll forget you’re grieving.”
“Threats?” she shrieks. “That’s all your good for, isn’t it.”
Alannah places her hand on Kristen’s shoulder but she shrugs her off.
“Slade was always better than you, better than this club. Every drop of blood he’s bled is on your hands.”
She’s gaining a crowd and Sparky pushes his way through, stopping when he gets in her face.
“You get to be angry. You get to hurt. But you don’t get to blame us. He was the club and was for a lot longer than he was your husband. Don't spit on the club cause you knew exactly what kind of man you married.” He looks around and his wary eyes land on my cousin. “Zach, take your mom home.”
Fire returns to Aunt Kristen’s eyes. “If it’s the last thing I do, I'll get my son away from you all.”
Zach takes her by the arm, and she doesn’t fight him when he leads her to the car. They argue the whole way and it takes a minute to realise JJ is calling my name. “What?”
“We’re heading back to the club. Do you want to ride with me or go back in the car with Mom and Lana?”
“I want to go home.”
For the first time ever, the club is the last place I want to be.
“That’s what I said.”
Now I frown. “What are you talking about?”
He purses his lips clearly wanting to say something but he doesn’t. He rearranges us until he’s sat in front and bringing his bike to life.
Something strange is going on and I don’t want any part in it.
I should have gone straight over to the house, instead I made the mistake of staying with Jay and attending the wake.
All I've heard are stories about Slade, about Dex, and about Shane. For the last hour I’ve been watching Leo to block them out.
He's on edge and no one around him seems to notice.
Leaving Jay talking with Mason and Myles, I go over to my brother and sit beside him.
“Why are you watching everyone?”
“I’m not.” He takes a pull on his bottle of beer. “Why are you watching me?”
“I’m not,” I throw back at him, making him smile. “And you’re lying. You're watching and you’re plotting.”
“Am I?”
I nod and take his beer. I finish it off and pass him the empty bottle back.
“I need to get out of here. Walk me back to yours?”
“Sure.”
Since they needed the main house for the old ladies from the other chapters, JJ, Gunner, and I, are staying with Leo and Holly.
I inhale the fresh air when we step outside and I link my arm through his.
“I’m so tired, Leo. You know, like, exhausted.”
“I feel ya.”
“Now the funerals are over, will you be going to find Hopper?”
“I’ve got business to deal with here first, but yeah, I'll be going to find him at some point in the near future.”
“Slade won’t rest until you have,” I tell him.
“Do you believe in that sort of shit?”
“I have to, or I wouldn’t be able to get through the pain of losing people. Don't you?”
“Sometimes I do, sometimes it’s hard to believe it’s true.”
“Do you believe now?”
He looks down at me, and says, “I do, but then, it could be guilt.”
Guilt. Regret. They're both emotions my brother knows all too well.
He unlocks the front door, and steps back for me to step inside first. The silence in the house is golden.
“Whatever you’re plotting, can it get you or JJ killed?”
He stares at me for so long I don’t expect him to answer, but when he does, it gives me chills. “Not tonight.”
I can live with not tonight, I'll ask him again tomorrow.