Chapter 5
Cas
My favourite place to sit in the mornings is out front on my porch as the sun is rising, and the night chill turns to morning warmth.
I get to watch the day begin over the club I fucking love and watch it come to life when brothers wake and show up.
All I see now is blood and death. The club has been built on blood for years but not Slade’s, not Dex’s, not our blood.
I can’t shake the heaviness pressing down on me.
I can’t sleep and couldn’t bear to lie beside Lana and disturb her.
I couldn’t bring myself to go out front and face the memories, so I sat out in the back yard when I woke.
I couldn’t say how long I’ve been out here, but my half drunken coffee is long cold and I’m nearly out of cigarettes.
My chest crackles with every breath I take, too many cigarettes smoked in a short amount of time.
I spent years kicking the habit, but I wasn’t going to fight it as I stood over my brothers’ bodies.
I light another and hold down the nicotine until it hurts.
I felt nothing when Micheal died. I was wounded when Oak was killed, and he has stayed with me for years.
But to lose Ricky and Pope, and now Slade, Dex, and Shane, it seems all my karma has hit them instead of me.
The back door opens and Lana steps out.
“Is this you back on the smokes permanently?”
I shrug. “I have no fuckin’ idea.”
“How much sleep did you get last night?”
“Not much.”
She hovers in front of me with something on her mind. I know her too well not to see that she wants to ask me something.
“What is it, babe?”
She sits beside me. “What’s going on with you and Leo?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You might not want to talk, Cas, but don’t treat me like a fool.” She stands and goes to leave. I grab her wrist and pull her down onto my lap. “I’m sorry.”
She kisses the top of my head. “Talk to me, babe.”
As hard as I fight to keep them at bay, tears stream down my cheeks.
My chest feels like it is going to crack open and shatter.
I bury my face in Alannah’s chest, hiding myself away.
The sobs come hard, and Lana holds onto me tightly.
Fuck knows how long it goes on for, but I pull my shit together and tell her, “I’m fine. ”
Running her fingers through my hair, she says, “You’re not fine and it’s okay, Cas.”
“I’m angry! I’m fuckin’ pissed.”
“Slade was…”
Though the tears were for him, I spit out, “Not Slade. Leo.”
Leaning back to look at me, she asks, “Our son. Why?”
“He was warned of the consequences, he…”
She cuts me off, and says, “He made decisions as the president.”
“And he made the wrong moves. I should never have passed down the gavel.”
Lana jumps off my lap like she has a rocket up her ass, and I brace myself. As pissed as I am, Alannah is the perfect match when she feels she needs to defend her family.
“You don’t mean that.”
“I fuckin’ do. I never would’ve made the call he did, and Slade, Dex, Shane, and the prospect would still be here!”
Shaking her head, she argues, “This is bullshit. You’ve had no concerns with Leo, until now. You made decisions as president that cost a life at some point.”
Oak. She’s throwing the first Lost Soul I ever met at me.
“Fuckin’ low, babe.”
“It’s nothing against you, but it is the truth. Don’t judge Leo for something he didn’t ask for. If it had gone to plan, you would be nothing but proud of him, and don’t you fucking deny it.”
Rising out of my chair, I grab my smokes and lighter. She steps in front of me and blocks my way.
“Don’t go against our son, Cas. You raised him to take the gavel, you don’t get to disapprove when he does something you don’t like.”
I snort. “Something I don’t like.”
She has no idea. Slamming the door after me, I walk through the house, put my boots on and grab my cut and keys. By the time I reach my bike, I’m good to get out of here.
Mounting my bike, I bring the engine to life and rev hard. It wheel spins as I take off and come to a hard stop at the gate.
“Open it,” I order the prospect.
“No can do, Cas. Leo’s orders.”
Passing down the gavel has never tasted so bitter before this day.
“Open the fuckin’ gate.”
“I can’t.” At least he has the curtesy to look hesitant.
Climbing off my bike, I kick the stand out and draw my gun. He sees me coming but doesn’t move. Grabbing him by his cut, I press the barrel to his temple.
“You either open the gate, or I open up your head with a single bullet.”
Panicking, he tells me, “I can’t go against Leo’s orders.”
His voice shakes but I couldn’t give a fuck. I’m getting out of this club whether he opens the gate or not.
“Last chance. Are you going to open the gate?”
I release the safety and he’s all too quick to answer. “Yes!”
Letting go of him, I shove him toward the gate and head back to my bike. I ride out and inhale the fresh fucking air, needing to let the fight with Lana stay behind.
I had nowhere in particular I was heading, but when I turn into the cemetery, it’s no mistake.
Usually I would park up and walk around to the Lost Souls burial plots, but today, I cruise on my bike. I stop in front of Slade’s, next to India’s, and kill the engine. Digging out my smokes, I light one and inhale deeply.
“Everything’s fucked, brother.” I take another drag on the cigarette, exhaling heavily as I say, “It still hasn’t sunken in you’re gone.
Sometimes I can lie to myself that you’re at home with that uptight old lady of yours.
” Squeezing my eyes shut, I can’t afford to let out any more tears.
“I need to turn back time. I need to go back and keep the gavel, keep you alive. Fuck, besides Sparky, you were my first friend. You, you fucker, you were loyal to me. I never had to question you, though I never trusted anyone.” I drain the rest of the cigarette in two puffs and flick the butt across the gravel path.
“I can’t see how the club comes back from this and it scares me fuckin’ crazy. ”
Flexing my hands into fists, I struggle to remember the last time I threw a punch. I retired from the gavel and along with that, it’s been a while since I've had to act in a certain manner. I've become lazy and content. I've become my worst nightmare.
I intend on going to apologise to Alannah when I see all the bikes parked up.
For a split second it takes me back to the old days when the club was alive and thriving.
It disappears as fast as it came and I head into the bar.
I could cut the tension with a knife. I join Sparky at the bar and tap my finger for a whiskey.
“I was wonderin’ when you were gonna join me,” Sparky says.
“I went to the cemetery.”
He throws back a tequila, and tells me, “If I keep my eyes closed and keep drinkin’ enough of this,” he holds up his glass. “I can go back in time.”
“Wish it were possible, brother.”
A prospect passes me a whiskey and I shoot it back in one gulp.
“We’re the only two left. Me and you. It ain’t right.”
I should have gone home to Alannah. I'm already thinking what he is saying. It's like he’s in my head.
Glancing over my shoulder, Leo is sat with JJ and he’s openly watching everyone. I glance around the brothers and they’re on guard.
A shadow fills the corner of my eye and I side-glance to see Tack next to me.
“You’ve gotta talk to your boy, Cas.”
“I ain’t got to do shit, and that boy, is your president.”
Sighing gruffly, he continues to piss me off. “This shit ain’t right. Do something.”
“The only thing I’m gonna do is take out my gun and blow your fuckin’ head off if you don’t fuck off.”
My threat works. He slides off the stool and leaves my sight.
“Everyone wants to talk. Talk, talk, talk,” Sparky spits out, adding, “Slade ain’t talkin’ though, is he. Dex ain’t. Shane ain’t.”
“So let’s drink in silence,” I mutter.