17. Alex
17
Alex
The headlights of The Beast cut through the darkness as Alex navigated the winding lakeside road. Beside him, Lena chattered away, seemingly unscathed by the tension that had filled Juno's apartment just before they left. His mind kept replaying the confrontation in the kitchen, Juno's accusatory words still ringing in his ears.
What kind of father doesn't acknowledge his own child?
The question hit him where it hurt most. He'd just blindly accepted Melissa's terms, had been willing to take the measly crumbs she'd tossed his way. What kind of a father was he, indeed?
He'd never forget opening the certified mail packet that contained all the proof he'd needed that he had a daughter. The three photos that had accompanied Melissa's letter were of Lena at birth, exactly nine months after he'd spent a summer at the beck and call of Melissa Hayward. There was one of Lena at three, a chubby, blue-eyed toddler that had sent Alex to his parents' place to look at old family albums because of how shockingly alike they looked to his own, and then at six, a ganglier, gap-toothed Lena dressed in a birthday princess dress and wearing what looked to him like a very expensive tiara. When he'd cupped his hand around the child's face to block out her perfectly-styled and bejeweled curls, he'd seen Jason grinning back at him, and he'd broken down and wept like a baby.
Melissa's conditions had been clear. The child was his, but if he wanted to see her, he'd have to pay, but he'd also have to keep their arrangement quiet until they could speak in person, until she could see with her own eyes that he could be trusted to be around Lena.
At the time, Alex hadn't been trustworthy enough to be around anyone, and he'd had no doubt that everyone who knew him would share Melissa's misgivings.
Besides, the amount she was asking for—six years of what she insisted he would have been paying in child support all along—was far beyond the scope of his bank account, and easily more than he made in a year. But Alex, determined to meet the child that was so clearly a part of him—a part of Jason—took the revelation as a call to action, a charge to make some long overdue changes in his life. He quit drinking, worked harder, longer, took on any overtime his boss would give him, and picked up any side jobs he could hustle, sometimes to the point of running on only a few hours of sleep a night for weeks on end.
It took him almost nine months to collect enough to meet Melissa's demands, only to have her put him off. "You said it would take you at least a year," she'd told him over an international phone call. "We're in Paris now and won't be back stateside until May. We should be back around Lena's birthday. Maybe we can arrange something for then." He hadn't wanted to wait another three months, and had offered to come to them in Paris, but she'd only laughed like his suggestion was the silliest thing she'd ever heard and hung up.
At the end of April, Melissa informed him that they were extending their time in Paris until July, when she would return to the United States to spend the summer at her North Shore timeshare. She'd promised to give him dates as soon as she had them, then she sent him a couple of photos of Lena looking very Parisian in a burgundy blazer over a striped shirt and miniskirt, with knee-high boots and black stockings. In one of the photos, she was blowing out the seven candles on a very fancy birthday cake.
He'd stared at the images with such longing, unable to process the flood of emotions coursing through him.
Believing there was nothing he could do but wait, Alex continued to count down the days until Melissa reached out to him again.
At the end of June, at which point Alex had known about Lena for a whole year, Melissa had informed him that they would be arriving in Autumn Lake the first week in July and planned to stay through August. Then she'd added that if he wanted to meet Lena, she had another set of stipulations.
Alex could come see his daughter at the condo as much as he wanted while they were in town, but Melissa would decide when and if they went public about Lena being his. "I need to see proof that you're a different guy, that you're not going to be a bad influence in Lena's life."
Alex understood her reservations, and in his excitement to finally meet his daughter, he would have agreed to anything.
He'd been so worried that their first meeting would be awkward and uncomfortable, that he wouldn't know what to say or how to act, but the moment he saw the beautiful little girl, a steady stream of tears had begun to roll unchecked down his face. Lena had taken his hand and told him that everything was going to be okay, and then she'd led him through the condo and out into the manicured back yard to a cedarwood swing set. "We can swing until you feel better. That's why I do when I need to cry."
Alex had become quickly enamored with the child, not caring that he couldn't tell anyone about her. Having her be his secret allowed him to get to know her without having to share her with anyone else.
Looking back now, Alex realized that Melissa hadn't been very concerned about being able to trust him with Lena. She was often out of the house whenever he came to visit. Even the au pair, a young woman who'd traveled with them from France, usually disappeared into her own room or left to do whatever it was that wealthy young Parisians did on that side of the lake, leaving him alone with Lena for hours at a time.
When August ended and Melissa and Lena left town with the promise to return the following summer, Alex was shocked to discover how empty his life suddenly felt. How had such a little girl taken up so much space in his heart?
And now, his daughter's surprise arrival in town a week early had been both a delight and consternation. He'd been expecting Melissa and Lena next Wednesday, and he'd had every intention of telling Juno all about her by then, even if it meant breaking his promise to Melissa to keep the child a secret. He wanted there to be no secrets between them from here on out. He'd been only hours away from revealing all, from bringing Juno onboard about Lena's existence… it was almost as if the universe was conspiring against him, throwing all his "fresh start" plans into disarray.
It was obvious that Juno thought he was a deadbeat dad. The scathing in her voice when she'd asked, "Is she an inconvenience for your Peter Pan lifestyle?" still zinged through him every time he thought of it, like touching an electric fence.
She was right. Not about the Peter Pan lifestyle, although it was his fault people assumed as much about him. He certainly didn't go out of his way to change their perception of him, he thought, remembering that he'd intentionally removed his shirt at Tip-Top Talons only a couple of weeks ago, hoping for a better tip from Stacy, but also hoping that Juno would notice. He felt the flush of embarrassment creep up his neck as he thought about how that had backfired on him.
Lena had grown quiet while Alex had been lost in thought, but his attention was drawn back to her when she said, "I like Juno."
Alex glanced in the rearview mirror at his daughter. She had her forehead pressed against the window and was breathing on the glass, then drawing misshapen hearts with her finger before wiping it all away and doing it again. She seemed nervous, agitated, and it unsettled him.
"I like her, too," he said, reaching behind him to squeeze Lena's knee.
She turned from the window and met his gaze in the mirror. "She asks real questions and actually listens to my answers. Most grown-ups don't do that."
"She's good at that," Alex agreed. "It's because she cares about everyone, big or small."
"Does she care about you? I think she was mad at you," Lena observed with the uncomfortable perception of a child who'd spent too much time reading adult tensions.
Alex sighed, his eyes going back to the road. "She's not mad, Lena Bug. She's just… disappointed in me, and she has every right to be."
"Because of me?"
Alex shook his head, but he wouldn't lie to her. "Not because of you. It's because I didn't tell her about you. That's on me; not you. Never you."
Lena was quiet for a moment, watching the dark shapes of trees flash by. "I told Mommy I don't like being a secret. It makes me feel sad."
"It makes me feel sad, too," he admitted.
"Did you tell Mom you didn't like it, too?" she asked quietly.
Another stab of guilt pierced him. He'd been a coward, afraid to rock the proverbial boat that Melissa had set afloat when she'd told him he had a daughter. Why had he never had any of his own demands? Lena was his daughter, too. Didn't fathers have any rights? Why had he never looked into it? He'd just blindly gone along with whatever Melissa demanded.
"I haven't told her before." He cleared his throat, glancing at her again in the mirror. Lena had lowered her chin so he could no longer see her face. "But that's going to change, Lena-bug. I promise. Your mommy and I are going to talk about this stuff while you're here, and we'll make some changes, okay?"
"What changes?"
Alex sighed. He really wanted to do things right, and right now, he felt out of his depth. He should talk to Melissa first, shouldn't he? Hammer out the details with her before he gave Lena any false hopes. Regardless of the details they agreed on, it wouldn't change one thing. "I want to see more of you, Lena."
"I really want to see more of you, too, Daddy." Now she did lift her face so he could see her reflection in the mirror. The lights from the dash were bright enough that even from the back seat, he could see her eyes, glistening with emotion, and he was once again reminded of Jason. "I want to stay here forever with you."
Alex swallowed hard and nodded. "I'd like that more than anything, Lena bug, but your Mommy would miss you so much."
"No, she wouldn't," Lena shot right back, shaking her head hard. "She wouldn't," she repeated more emphatically, crossing her arms.
"Hey, now. That's not true, and you know it."
"Then why does she always leave me with Adeline?" Lena's voice rose, petulant. "She sometimes goes away for lots of days in a row, and when she comes back, she just goes to parties instead of taking care of me. When you come to see me, we do things together. We color, we swing, and read and run, and stuff. Mom doesn't even like swings." She said the last bit as if the concept was unfathomable to her.
Alex knew lots of the children on the North Shore were raised by nannies, that in many circles, it was completely acceptable. But he wouldn't dismiss her feelings by making excuses for Melissa.
"I could stay with you instead of Adeline, and then Mommy wouldn't have to pay any money for me. Mommy says Adeline costs lots and lots of money and that I should be more grateful."
Alex closed his eyes for just a moment, warring with the resentment building inside of him. It was always about money with Melissa, always, and the fact that Lena was even aware of it was pretty incriminating.
"If I stayed with you, I'd be infinity times grateful," she added.
Alex wished he had answers for her. Lena had grown up so much since last summer; he'd noticed it with every phone call, but it still caught him by surprise every time he looked at her now that she was here in person. Even so, he hadn't expected these questions, and he wasn't prepared for the sadness in her eyes, the solemnity of this conversation. He reached back, turning his hand palm up, and waited until she put her hand in his. So small, so delicate, so fragile, it was like holding a featherless bird. All he could manage to say was, "I love you, Lena bug."
He heard her deep sigh, but he felt it like a knife to his heart. "I love you, too, Daddy." It was sincere, but she sounded resigned, as if he'd let her down.
Her and everyone else.
Why couldn't he stop messing things up?
They drove in silence for a few minutes, the only sound the steady rumble of The Beast's engine and the occasional swish of tires on the road.
"Mommy's making us leave early this time," Lena said finally, picking up the thread of their earlier conversation at Juno's.
"Whoa. What?" This was news to him. "What do you mean?"
"That's why we came early. Because we have to leave early so we can go with Daniel."
"When?"
"I don't know. She just said early. Maybe next week?" In the rearview mirror, he could see her staring out the window into the darkness.
Well, that was something they'd be talking about at the first opportunity. Tonight. There was no way Melissa was going to take her away again so soon. He didn't like probing Lena for details, but he suddenly felt like it might behoove him to be as well-informed as possible about what was happening in Lena's life. "I'll talk to her about that, I promise."
"Talking won't matter. Daniel has to go to Greece for business, and Mommy said we have to go with him." Then, in a tone that sounded remarkably like Melissa, she added, "It's an opportunity we simply can't pass up."
Alex clenched his jaw, his teeth grinding together in helpless rage. How could Melissa do that to Lena? To him? Hadn't he bent over backwards to be accommodating to her every demand?
"She always says that when she gets a new boyfriend. I asked Charlie why she called him that, and she got mad. I don't even know why."
Alex bit back a comment that would be inappropriate to share with his daughter. At least now he had a good inkling of why Charlie hadn't worked out. His list of discussion topics was growing longer by the second. And he wasn't finished yet. "How do you feel about going to Greece?"
Lena sighed dramatically. "I hate Greece. It's greasy. I have to wear sunscreen every single day." She had started kicking the back of the passenger seat, a rhythmic thump-thump-thump.
He paused before asking his next question, not wanting to lead her in any way, but finally said, "And how do you feel about Daniel?"
Thump-thump-thump-thump.
Alex suddenly felt like pulling over so he could look his daughter in the face, but he didn't want to scare her. "Lena-bug?" he prodded gently.
She shrugged one shoulder, a gesture that conveyed far more than words. "He looks at me weird."