Chapter 1
Darcy rode his horse, Zeus, toward the grove.
He felt like a guilty man awaiting sentencing.
In going over his letter in his own head, he realised Elizabeth may have cause to be affronted anew, and though not his intent, he had apparently done so before without realising he had.
He had written in anger, and he knew that it was never a good idea to do such.
He forced himself to face her and approached the only woman he had ever loved, who ironically was likely the only woman who would not have him.
He dismounted and let Zeus have at the grass while he walked to where she sat.
He stood waiting for her to speak, unable to determine what she was thinking or feeling, as he obviously was not as adept at reading her as he had thought he was, he certainly wanted to avoid saying something that would release another tirade directed at him.
‘If I am truthful, she scares me when she is angry; if she was a man, she would have initiated fisticuffs!’ He shuddered as he thought about this slip of a woman putting him on his derriere.
After a minute or two, which seemed more like hours to him, she lifted her fine, expressive eyes and met his.
How well she looked with no bonnet and some of her chestnut curls escaping their pins.
But it initially and still was her hazel eyes that bewitched him; the flecks of green and gold and the way that they flashed whenever she gave into her passionate nature about something or someone.
It was those eyes that almost had goaded him into what would only have been at the time unwanted advances, when he had never wanted a woman more in all his years.
“I have much to say, Mr Darcy, some of it, a lot of it, will be painful to you. It is not easy for me to say what I feel I must to an intimate, never mind someone who at best was an indifferent acquaintance. If you are willing to listen to what I have to say, I must ask that you on your honour give me the respect of letting me speak before you answer. I need to be able to cover all that is in my head and I am not sure I will be able to with interruptions. Is that agreeable to you knowing that I will say things that will give you pain? It is your choice, if you decide not to hear me, we can part company without acrimony,” she asked carefully, assessing him for his mood but unable to get a reading.
“It is, Miss Bennet.” He bowed his head in agreement. He felt trepidation at what she would say. At least there were no signs of anger as there were after his proposals. He needed to maintain some bond, any bond with her, so for him it was not a choice at all.
“I will be honest with you and confess that at first, I wanted to dismiss all of what you said about Mr Wickham as lies.” She held up a hand to ease his concern when she saw his shoulders tense.
“The more I reread your missive, I was struck by the fact that you shared what you did about your sister’s travails and your assertions that your cousin would be able to confirm your side of the story.
You told me that you hold written proof that he willingly gave up all claim to the living as well as a mountain of his debts that you have purchased, all convinced me that it was, in fact, the truth.
It is not an excuse, but I see only now that I was open to his lies after the behaviour you exhibited at the assembly and your insult to me.
I was looking to find fault with you, as you had been so very disdainful towards myself and all of my neighbours, and Mr Wickham fed that need.
And I, who am normally very careful and circumspect, allowed him to pour his poison into my ear while ignoring the impropriety of such a disclosure to one whom he had just met.
“I confess that I wilfully ignored the glaring inconsistencies and contradictions.
With one breath he said that he would not harm or expose the son for love of the father, and then proceeded to do just that in the next.
He said that if you did not like his being in the neighbourhood, you would have to leave not him, but then he did not attend the ball at Netherfield.
And initially I was the only one that he shared his tale of woe with, but as soon as you ‘escaped’ the area, he spread his tale far and wide when you were not there to challenge his version of the facts.
“You have my apology, no matter how embarrassed I am that I, who have always prided myself on ability to sketch a character, was so readily taken in by him. Though it is a small consolation that by your account he is a practiced, profligate deceiver and manipulator. That he was able to waste four thousand pounds in three years, and then ignore a legal document and ask for that which he had refused and had received pecuniary advantage proves his lack of any principles, character, honour, or morals. On top of that you now own over three thousand in markers that he has signed for money he never intended to repay makes him even worse. The rest of what you relayed only added to the weight of my shame at being taken in by this…” she clenched a fist, “I hate that being a woman dictates that I call him a man but he does not deserve the classification. I certainly will not call him a gentleman, as he deserves no such title.”
She saw that Darcy wanted to say something, but she gave him a burning look that silenced him without having to verbally remind him of his agreement.
Darcy felt greatly relieved that at least she had believed him about Wickham.
“Your sister has my sympathies for having been put upon by such a man. But now, sir, that my shame is borne to you and I have rendered my apologies and true sympathies for your beloved sister, I must point out some things that are glaring faults of yours, the things that I will tell you may give you pain. Are you sure that you wish me to proceed?”
He did not move for some seconds and then nodded his head to show his acquiescence.
“I am not sure if you are driven by pride and or arrogance, but allow that this is what I see.
You had many chances to expose Wickham and, in every case, you neglected to do so, allowing him to carry on unimpeded.
It shows me you cared more for you own concerns than the harm to others that could have been saved.
You never gave potential victims a chance to defend themselves.
“If you had not spared what you felt were, your father’s feelings and informed him of Wickham’s actions when you were at Cambridge, would he have been allowed to hurt so many after that point, including your sister?
Did you think your father so weak, that he could not handle the truth?
Would he have ignored the word of his son and heir; did he give proof that he would rather believe the word of his godson?
I am sure that you had proof of his actions that would have made your case without making you look like you were being overly judgemental.
You are not responsible for Wickham’s despicable actions, but you had it in your power to expose him to your father and you chose not to do so. ”
Darcy remembered that there was a time before Cambridge that he had attempted to talk to his Father.
His worries had been dismissed as ‘youthful exuberance’.
He hung his head because if he was to be honest with himself, he never went to his father when he had solid proof of Wickham’s debts, debauchery and ruination of girls.
Miss Bennet, he had to acknowledge could very well be correct.
He could have stopped him early on. Darcy was uncomfortable realising that he may have more culpability than he liked to think.
“In your letter, you state that to protect her sensibilities you never informed your sister of Wickham’s propensities.
You could have easily armed her with the knowledge while protecting her maidenly sensibility.
Are women so weak that they will swoon as soon as they hear something offensive?
I hold that knowledge is power. By your withholding the knowledge from your sister until after the fact, you, in effect, left her defenceless.
That being said, I need to point out some hypocrisy, and not the last I see in what you have said. ”
Darcy was starting to question his agreement to allow her to talk without interruption, however he had given his word, and he would not dishonour a promise that he made to the woman with her fine eyes flashing.
“Did you warn anyone in Meryton about the danger that Mr Wickham represents?”
Darcy shook his head, his eyes on his feet in shame as he suspected what she was about to say.
“If someone who knew of Wickham’s propensities had been able to warn your sister or others in time, would it not have pleased you and saved our fellow man hardship and pain?”
He nodded, much chagrined though he was not yet able to say anything in his defence as she continued.
“Well then, sir, I would love to hear your justification at not warning anyone in Meryton. The honest people of Meryton cannot afford to have one such as Wickham leave them with unpaid debts; they have families to feed and take care of. You could have warned everyone from Colonel Forster on down without ever having to expose your sister’s name or actions.
How hypocritical that you who agree that you would have gladly accepted that help from others would not give it yourself.
Why are the good people of Meryton so far below you that they do not warrant the protection that others do?
“You freely refer to the bad behaviour of my younger sisters and mother, and even on occasion my father. I assume that Miss Darcy had a governess before Mrs Younge, and she had the benefit of masters.”
Darcy nodded, stiffening as he could not fault his sister for anything.
“I will assume that she was taught all of the rules of propriety.”