Chapter 31
Hanna
Yawning, I enter my bedroom at the estate and head straight for the wardrobe. I feel a bit like I'm being controlled remotely, as I clumsily put on jeans and a T-shirt. My thoughts no longer come to a halt, even at night, robbing me of sleep.
Yesterday, on our way to Pietrasanta, Vico and I sang louder and laughed more as we moved farther away from the estate. But on the way back, he became unusually quiet.
And I didn't know what to say either.
A faint pounding in my temples makes itself known. It's as if my numerous thoughts just don't have enough space up there.
Sighing, I turn around and lean against the windowsill. I attempt a breathing exercise, but it doesn't help. Especially when my gaze falls on Florian's bouquet on the nightstand. The roses smell so wonderful that I can even sense it from here. The flower heads are huge; the bouquet must have cost a fortune.
I step closer to the flowers and let my fingers glide along the edge of a petal. As I do, I notice a piece of paper that wasn't there yesterday. Carefully, I pull it out.
Without you, only half of me is here. I can't wait to start our new future together. With love, Florian , it reads in Florian's scrawled handwriting.
Lost in thought, I turn Florian's message in my hands. It's a bit strange that he's suddenly so romantic. Maybe I should have gone away alone much earlier to give him the opportunity to miss me. His friendly face appears in my mind.
He is a wonderful partner.
Vico, on the other hand, is unpredictable. His love for freedom and his willingness to take risks have something exotic and alluring, but in the end, nothing he does will likely last.
Stop.
I shouldn't compare the two. It's not fair to either of them. After all, I've never spent as much time with Florian, completely free from everyday life, while with Vico, I haven't experienced a single second of everyday life.
The pounding in my head turns into a throbbing pain, accompanied by a shrill ringing in my right ear. I need to take a migraine pill quickly if I don't want to lie helplessly in bed today. I reach for the water bottle on the dresser and take out my medication from my handbag. To be safe, I take a double dose. After all, I only have five days left.
Then I have to go back.
Back to Tyrol. Back to my other life.
A pang of melancholy rises within me, but I don't want to allow it. My old life doesn't exist anymore. Even when work takes me back soon, I'll do everything to savor my time there. And who knows, doing it together with Florian could take our relationship to a new level. From good to great.
I reach for the never-ending checklist to see what's left to do. None of the open points are appealing to me. I'd much rather find out where the day takes me and do what I feel like doing.
Experience a little bit of the freedom that Vico adores so much.
A bit of everything is possible .
My thoughts involuntarily wander back to my zip line adventure and the liberating feeling I had. Maybe Vico isn't the reason for my confusing emotions. Perhaps it's my newfound outlook on life that makes me feel like I can soar?
The idea brings a smile to my face. If that's true, it would mean I hold my own happiness in my hands. Before I can delve deeper into this thought, someone knocks on the bedroom door.
Vico peeks in. "What's on the agenda for today?" he asks in a controlled tone, nodding toward my checklist.
I can't help but scrunch my nose. "Ugh, that annoying thing."
Suddenly, his expression changes, becoming relaxed and curious. "I don't like it either," he says with a wink, casually leaning against the dresser beside me. "But you have to tick those boxes, no way around it, right?"
Can he be serious? Ever since he saw Florian's instructions, he's been eyeing them as if they were poisoned. And now he's reminding me of their importance? "Are you drunk?" I blurt out.
His laughter brings back the lightness that I hadn't seen since my phone call with Florian yesterday. "Certo che no!" he says, playfully offended. "But it seems like you've taken something."
"Just migraine pills, nothing else." I grin, simply because he's smiling at me. And I can feel that I can hardly resist the exuberance engulfing me right now. With enthusiasm, I toss the checklist onto the bed, and suddenly, my headache vanishes like a puff of smoke. "Let's do something exciting," I say on a whim, finding the idea splendid.
Who knows how quickly I'll have this opportunity again once I'm trapped in the routine of work. Only five days left.
"Ooookay." His expression is so delightfully bewildered that I burst into laughter. "Whatever you have in mind, count me in."
I tap my finger against my lips, gazing thoughtfully up at the ceiling. "Of course, it shouldn't be dangerous," I say.
"Of course not," he lovingly mimics me.
"But a little adrenaline would be nice," I continue, fixing my gaze on him. I'm so curious about his reaction that I can feel my own excitement building.
He looks like he's just seen a ghost. It takes a few seconds before he tilts his head to the side. "Would a bit of freedom also be welcome?"
Oh yes, absolutely. I nod decisively, pleased to note that my mother's voice inside me falls silent. "Even a little bit more."
"Come with me." He grins, taking my hand and leading me out of the room. The checklist stays where it is. And I won't need the camera either.
Not today. Today belongs solely to me.
Hand in hand, we walk across the courtyard and then farther to Camilla's house. As we did almost two weeks ago, Vico opens the garden gate, and the gleaming red Vespa beckons me with its headlights.
He steps up to the scooter, patting the creamy leather seat. "Not too dangerous, a little adrenaline, and lots of freedom. Can't get any better than that." I can tell from his expression that he doesn't believe I'll actually do it.
I take a step closer. "Me behind you?"
"Each on their own steed." There's a mischievous spark in his eyes. "We'll ride toward the sun and see where it takes us."
Admittedly, it sounds tempting. And why not? For as long as I can remember, I've denied myself any fun, afraid of taking risks. But millions of people ride scooters every day; it's probably no more dangerous than driving a car. And I drive a car too. If I'm careful, nothing can go wrong.
I glance back and forth between Vico and the Vespa. "Toward the sun?"
He nods, his legs fidgeting with excitement.
I feel my cheeks flush, and my heart already pounds. Adrenaline courses through my veins, sending tingles up my spine. "What are we waiting for, then?" I can barely contain my laughter at his incredulous stare as I approach the Vespa. "Come on. Show me how it works."
Wholly focused on me, he circles the scooter and stands beside me. "Who are you?" he asks, looking into my eyes. Searching. And so lovingly that my stomach flutters.
Instantly, my laughter subsides, making room for a different feeling I shouldn't be having.
Longing.
"How were your words at Spiaggia bianche again?" My voice sounds shaky, almost trembling. But not because I'm afraid of riding the Vespa. And I think I can see in Vico's gaze that he understands that too. "If I never allow myself to do something outside of my comfort zone, I risk missing out on so much."
He reaches out his hand as if to stroke my cheek. But when he's so close that he almost touches me, he abruptly pulls back. "That's absolutely true," he replies, then swallows hard. "Perhaps the very walls we've built to protect ourselves sometimes keep us from being happy."
Suddenly, it's as if time stands still between us. And I'm certain we're no longer talking about me riding a Vespa. Perhaps it's no longer about me at all. It's about him. About his wound.
"Maybe," I whisper breathlessly. "But what if we take the sledgehammer and tear them down? What if we do what our hearts tell us?" What if we give in and see where it leads?
"Anything could happen." His chest rises and falls rapidly. There's an almost pleading expression on his angular face. It's as if he's wrestling with himself.
I can't bear this. Being so close to him, seeing his lips twist into a pained smile, and feeling what lies deep in my heart.
"We should…" I force my eyelids down, dry my sweaty palms on my jeans, and create distance between us.
Nervously, he fiddles with his hair. "You go first."
With a strange mix of relief and melancholy, I take the helmet from the scooter and put it on. Then I push the Vespa off its stand, swing my leg over the saddle, and test what I need to do to maintain balance. Vico watches my attempts, gives me some tips, and finally shows me how to start the engine. As soon as the machine hums beneath me, the tension that had just built up so menacingly between us vanishes like smoke. Excitement wells up inside me. And also a bit of fear. Yet I'm certain that I want to do it.
I want to be reckless. Wild. And free. Just this once.
Carefully, I accelerate. My legs extend to the sides so I can steady myself at any moment, and I roll forward. I'm going so slowly that Vico can walk beside me. His presence, knowing that he's there to catch me if needed, gives me so much security that I dare to increase my speed.
Soon, the cool breeze brushes over my skin. My hair and my T-shirt flutter backward. I steer the Vespa onto the entrance road. In the rearview mirror, I see Vico following me on the other scooter. He gives me a thumbs-up.
Everything is fine , he wants to tell me with that gesture.
And he is absolutely right. It's going well. It feels good. It is good.
I turn onto the smooth country road. It lies straight before me, without potholes or bumps.
It's time. Here we go.
Confidently, I twist the throttle, the engine beneath me roars, and a few seconds later, I'm seized by a rush so powerful that I can't resist. My smile widens, and a strong sensation fills my chest. It's as if I can breathe properly for the first time.
I let out a joyous cry. I cheer, soaking in the freedom, scaling the walls of fear, and glimpsing the world that opens up beyond.
Golden rays break through the cloud cover, the scent of deep violet lavender fields now in bloom permeates me. The wind cools my heated skin, and the motor's vibrations send tingles through my body. I savor every second.
I let go of my worries. And nothing has ever felt like this before.
The world around me spins. Shimmering dots dance before my eyes. More and more of them appear in my field of vision, each carrying the colors of the rainbow.
Suddenly, I can barely see anything else but the iridescent spots. My senses shut down one by one. I forget which way is up or down; I no longer smell or taste anything.
My jubilation turns into a shrill scream. The scooter sways like a ship on stormy seas.
In panic, I clutch the handlebars tightly.
The world turns blue-gray.
Like storm clouds.
They're everywhere.
A bright bolt of lightning flashes. It rushes toward me.
And eventually strikes me right in the head.
A scorching heat runs through my body. My hands burst into flames and can no longer hold the handlebars.
Thunder roars deafeningly.
Then a dark silence engulfs me.