Chapter 43
Hanna
With the suitcase I packed in Italy in my hand, I stand before Noah's white-plastered house nestled in the middle of the forest. It's already dark around me, and the frogs croak by the nearby mountain lake.
Inside, there's a warm glow of light. Through the floor-to-ceiling windows, I see my brother and Elina cooking together. He's slicing carrots, dressed in his usual plaid shirt with a white T-shirt peeking out. His three-day beard gives his rugged face a daring charm. Elina stirs a steaming pot and can't seem to take her eyes off him. Now he sets the knife aside, takes a carrot slice, and takes a step toward her. With a mischievous grin, Elina shakes her blond hair back and lets him feed her.
The way they look at each other, as if there's nothing more important in the world than their love, makes me smile involuntarily. I notice that the sight no longer hurts me. On the contrary, I'm genuinely happy for them with all my heart. It becomes clear to me that true love exists, and Florian and I have never felt it.
As for Vico and me…
Tears fill my eyes, and I'm unsure of their origin. Are they from the sadness of realizing I've allowed myself to be suppressed in my relationship for years? Or are they from the anger at myself for accepting the marriage proposal when I knew something was wrong?
Don't think for a moment that Vico is waiting for you. I told him about our engagement. He'll never forgive you , Florian had yelled at me after I left the inn. At that moment, I realized he had suspected something all along. That's why he surprised me with a visit to Collina da sogno, even bringing roses. He was afraid of losing me—as his workforce.
How could I have been so blind? And to hurt the man who helped me find myself again, of all people?
Feeling heavy-hearted, I climb the stairs to the wooden veranda and knock on the door.
Elina opens it with a joyful giggle. "Hanna." Her smile fades instantly as her eyes fall on my suitcase. "Oh my God, what happened?"
My throat feels tight. I bite down on my lower lip and blink rapidly.
She comes closer, lovingly putting her arm around my shoulder and guiding me inside. "Could you take Hanna's luggage, please?" she calls out to Noah, who is still in the kitchen at the stove.
He turns around now, immediately grasping the situation. "Um… sure." He hastily wipes his hands on a dish towel and walks to the door. It's clear that seeing me in such a state makes him uncomfortable, and I understand why. For many years, I hid my true feelings, even from him.
"Sit down," Elina directs me to the sofa. "What would you like to drink? Tea, coffee, juice? Or perhaps a shot of Schnapps?"
I wave her off and sink into the orange cushions. "Can I stay with you for a few days?"
With a sympathetic expression, Elina joins me on the sofa and hugs me tightly. "As long as you want."
Grateful, I nod, and now I can feel the tears welling up, impossible to hold back any longer. I cry on Elina's shoulder, and she hands me tissues and gently strokes my back until I calm down at least a little.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks afterward, without putting any pressure on me.
I want to talk because I no longer want to hide myself and my feelings. But where should I start? Probably at the end of the story. "I broke up with Florian."
For a moment, Elina looks as if she's seen a ghost.
"Actually, the only unbelievable thing about it is that I didn't do it much earlier," I confess, and then I proceed to tell her about the dynamics that kept me tethered to Florian all those years. I grab a pillow and knead it as I share every thought swirling in my head with her for minutes on end.
"That's why I was certain I couldn't survive without him. I knew he would take care of me as long as he was by my side. In my mind, I was dependent on him," I conclude, feeling ashamed even as the words leave my lips.
Was I myself possibly being with him only because of that? Did not only he take advantage of me, but also I of him?
"That's what he wanted you to believe," Elina looks at me intensely.
I pluck a loose thread from the pillow on my lap. There might be some truth to that. He was always trying to keep me small. "Do you think so?"
"I'm afraid so," she shrugs. "Noah and I talked about it often. He was always skeptical of Florian but didn't realize how bad it really was."
So this man not only deceived me, but he locked me in a gilded cage, and no one truly saw it. I nod absentmindedly.
"What happened that made you realize it now?" my future sister-in-law asks next.
A wistful smile spreads across my face, because there's only one person responsible for this realization. "Vico." My heart feels heavy.
"Ooooh, that sounds intriguing," Elina fidgets on the sofa. "Tell me everything."
Noah, who has been quiet in the background, steps closer and nods encouragingly. There's no reason to hide something that's been affecting me, so I share with them the story of our encounter.
I tell them about the moment I first looked into his magical eyes. About the closed-off sadness that surrounded him at first. And about his longing for freedom, which I could feel in every moment with him.
Our deep conversations. And the way he looked at me when I talked about my dreams.
"We showed each other the colors of our desires. And it was… so liberating." The memory rises bittersweetly within me.
Elina clasps her hands to her chest. "Oh, how wonderful," she exclaims with delight. "It sounds amazing."
"That was the thing. However, with each passing day, it became clearer that there can be no future for us," I continue sadly.
I share in detail about the estate, the broken family, and Vico's big dream of cliff diving.
"He wants to be free. Lead an unattached life. Adrenaline is his happiness engine," I shrug.
Elina tilts her head thoughtfully. "And do you think he wouldn't be willing to give up his freedom for you?"
Not in my wildest dreams would I think of asking that of him. But that's not the point. By getting engaged to Florian, I deeply hurt him. Even if he might have honestly hoped at some point that we could have a future together, I surely destroyed that possibility.
Instead of answering Elina, I just wearily shake my head.
"What about you? Would you be willing to give up your security for him?" She looks at me expectantly.
"You mean, travel with him in his camper and live hand-to-mouth?" I had never thought about that. All I had in mind was the vision of both of us on the estate. Although breaking up with Florian meant giving up more security than I ever thought possible, it doesn't mean that I can just do whatever I want now, right?
Could I really give up any form of stability? And even if I could, would it be enough to let Vico know how much he means to me? Could it heal the hurt I caused him?
Elina's eyes sparkle conspiratorially. "Why not?" she says, as if it were the easiest thing ever. "That's how it is with true love, as you told me just a few weeks ago."
"But I don't even know what he really feels," I counter.
Maybe I was the only one feeling the sparks whenever we were close. Besides, he acted so strangely distant after finding out about my epilepsy. Perhaps my engagement was just the final blow, but there was already a wall between us before.
She seems completely unfazed by my objections. "Then find out."
It's not that simple. "Even if I could leave everything that ever mattered to me behind, that wouldn't be…" I pause as a thought emerges from nowhere. "Vico will never be truly free as long as his family is unhappy," I say. His sisters mean everything to him.
Elina might say something in response, but I don't hear it. I'm too busy continuing my train of thought.
"…and his family will be unhappy if they're homeless," I murmur, touching my forehead as if that would help me think better. "So if I manage to take away his worries about his family…and thus give him the freedom he longs for…"
Yes. If I make that possible for him, maybe he could forgive me.
Breathlessly, I grab Elina's hands. "I will save the estate from being sold." Who knows if Florian even wants to buy it now that he has lost his only employee?
She blinks in confusion. She must think I'm crazy. And maybe it is a bit crazy. Because if it were that easy, I would have already come up with an idea of how to do it.
"There must be a way," I say because I want to believe in nothing else. "I will find it." And once his family is safe, I'll give up my own security for Vico.