Chapter 44
Vico
I pour myself an espresso, open the sliding door of the van, and sit on the floor to breathe in the cool morning air. Camping is not allowed here in this parking lot, but I couldn't stand the company at the campsite for another second.
Everywhere, there were only happy couples. I was surrounded by loving glances and romantic gestures. Candlelight. Music. Affectionate touches.
Here, on this plain parking lot, it's better. Only a lone seagull wanders back and forth in front of my van, searching for food. The sea murmurs peacefully in the background, and the sun climbs over the horizon. It's the perfect moment to focus on what lies ahead.
Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow is the big competition that will decide my future as a cliff diver.
I take a sip of my coffee and try to keep my thoughts solely on the dives I've perfected over the past twelve days. It was hard work, but now I'm ready.
For safety's sake, I go through the movements again and again. Every time the dive ends in the water, Hanna's sea-green eyes appear in my mind.
Perhaps the very barriers we've built ourselves sometimes hinder us from being happy . That's what I told her shortly before her accident. At a moment when I first suspected that it could actually be the truth.
But what if we take the sledgehammer and tear them down? What if we do what our hearts tell us? she responds again in my thoughts, and then, as well as now, I know that it's no longer about whether she climbs onto the Vespa or not.
Desperately, I shake my head. How am I supposed to compete in this competition that suddenly seems so insignificant because I can't forget this woman?
Since my mother's death, I was certain that it would be better never to have loved than to lose love. But now, I can't help but feel that I may have been mistaken. I've done everything to hold my heart, to avoid getting hurt. Yet I feel as if I may never be truly happy again.
Does it even make sense? Shouldn't one savor what they have while it's still possible? Enjoy every moment? Every touch? And every kiss?
The ringing of the phone interrupts my thoughts. Hope rises within me.
What if it's Hanna calling? What if she can't forget the picture she painted for both of us?
She doesn't want the inn, I'm certain of that. And I know she doesn't truly love Florian either.
What if she's calling to give us both a chance?
I find my phone under the pillow, but as soon as I see the display, disappointment washes over me. How foolish of me to hope that Hanna would reach out. What reason would she have to do so? She has her precious Florian. And her oh-so-secure future, which means everything to her.
Camilla, on the other hand, has every reason to call me. Since my departure, I haven't had the heart to contact her. My fear of experiencing her grief over the sale of the estate is too great. Thoughtfully, I hold the phone in my hand as it continues to ring. I must answer the call. At the very least, I owe her that.
"Hey." I try to sound casual as if my world is light and carefree. "How's it going?"
"It's been incredibly busy. You know, the move and… renovations at the main house are already underway…" Her voice breaks. She clears her throat with effort. "We're managing."
Immediately, my shoulders turn as hard as concrete. "I'm sorry I couldn't stay."
"Your competition is important, we understand," she says in a tone that makes it clear she knows my departure isn't solely about cliff diving. "Pietro's friends have been a great help to us. And Alessia comes whenever she can. We're almost there." The last words come out strained.
I want to apologize to my sister urgently, to take away some of her sadness, but I can't find the right words.
What can I even say? A lame I'm sorry won't be nearly enough.
At the other end of the line, there is silence. Then I hear her trembling exhale.
"How are the twins?" I ask quickly, hoping that changing the subject will lighten both of our moods.
But the opposite happens. A heavy sob reaches my ears. I set the espresso aside, feeling my throat tighten so much that I'm certain I won't be able to swallow it now. "What's wrong, Camilla?"
It takes her a long time to compose herself enough to respond. "The little ones are doing well," she says with a hoarse voice.
"But?" I can tell there's something more.
"Father…" She breathes heavily. "Since he left the estate, everything has gotten much worse. Yesterday, he was so out of it that he didn't even recognize my two girls."
My God. I was sure a change of scenery would help him leave the past behind. But it seems to have had the opposite effect. "How could that happen?"
"You've seen him. He hasn't been himself for a long time. And the sale of the estate dealt him the final blow." Suddenly, she sounds distant. As if she needs to switch off her emotions to be able to talk about it at all. "I'm afraid he'll…"
She doesn't have to say it, and I don't want to hear it. "Fuck."
Unconsciously, I clench my fist so tightly that my fingernails dig into my palms. My fear of my own emotions has destroyed everything. The estate, my family, and - worst of all - my chance for an entirely new life with Hanna. It's all connected, and only now am I able to see it.
"If there were a way to undo it…" My God, if only that were possible. I would do it. Because Hanna's dream is my dream too. I've never seen it as clearly as I do right now.
"There isn't," Camilla interrupts. "We have to look forward." An infinite sadness echoes in her words. "You too, Vico."
Every fiber of my being resists. Because if I do that, I see days filled with emptiness that not even the adrenaline rush of cliff diving can fill. Since I've been back, I've tried my best to pick up where I left off, but now I realize that I don't even want that life back.
I want Hanna. Despite all the obstacles standing between us, just one day with her would be worth more than a lifetime without her.
There must be a way to show her how serious my feelings are for her. And that I would be willing to face my greatest fear for her. But how can I prove to her that my heart beats only for her?
"Vico? Are you still there?" Camilla asks.
I mumble absentmindedly because my mind is somewhere else.
An idea is forming inside me. With each passing second, it becomes clearer. A picture builds up in my mind's eye and eventually turns into a solid plan. An exciting tingle floods my body. Suddenly, I know exactly what I have to do next. And it certainly isn't jumping off a cliff to win some meaningless competition.