22. Parker Cain
22
PARKER CAIN
A long, heavy sigh slipped between my parted lips as I scrubbed a hand through my messy hair. I needed to get a fucking haircut. Unfortunately, the only time I remembered I was long overdue for a haircut was at night when the shops were closed or I was nowhere near my phone.
Life had been too busy. Despite Declan’s wish that I paint his home office next, I’d found myself stuck with an unexpected artistic block. Every time I stood in that room, my mind went blank. As a result, I’d ended up painting two bathrooms and a guest bedroom in the past three weeks. Declan hadn’t whispered a word of complaint, but I was getting frustrated. Why couldn’t I tackle his office?
The longer I struggled with this room, the bigger the obstacle in my mind became. I couldn’t envision anything but those damn white walls. Declan Foster was more than a bland blank canvas.
So, five days a week, I sat in the middle of the office with its shining wood desk and dark-wood bookshelves while Declan was at work, and I stared at those walls, trying to will myself to define this man who dominated so much of my life .
And it didn’t help that my mom’s words were still replaying in my head, gnawing away at my sanity.
Why was I still living here in Declan’s house?
It wasn’t a money issue. The insurance company had coughed up the money I was owed for the fire more than a month ago. Declan had also paid me a huge down payment for the murals I was painting around his house. It went without mentioning that Declan refused to let me pay for anything. All of Joy’s and my grocery needs were added to his own bill. My bank account was practically overflowing with cash. Yes, I’d enjoyed the luxurious furnishings and having someone to cook for me every fucking day. There was no worrying about cleaning, doing the laundry, or making runs to the grocery store for baby food and diapers. It was all done for me. My entire focus could be on caring for Joy, painting, and spending time with Declan.
But beyond the luxury, living with Declan meant that every day I woke up with a safety net. Whether it was Declan, Franks, or Donovan, there was always someone right there to lend me a hand if I had a problem.
Of course, Declan and I were dating now. Living in his house meant we had even more time together. I was sleeping in his room more often than not.
Yet, if the fire had not happened, if my life hadn’t taken on all these unexpected complications, would I be living with Declan right now?
Fuck, no.
Parker Cain liked his independence. After moving out on my own, I’d never attempted to live with anyone. Not even Molly after we finished college. I’d grown up with three siblings. Having my own space and privacy was a dream come true. It hadn’t mattered if my apartment was small and crappy. That space was all mine.
Why had I thrown all of that out the window and crawled into this helpless little ball ?
Without the fire, I wouldn’t be living here with Declan, no matter how great we’d gotten along. We’d been dating for a month. Just because we’d known each other a year didn’t mean I would jump into living with him. Besides, he’d stated when we first began hanging out that he had zero interest in kids. I knew he liked and cared for Joy, but that didn’t mean that he wanted to be in a long-term relationship with someone who had a kid. Right? Because of that stupid fire and my own insecurity, we’d jumped ahead way too many steps.
No, not insecurity. Terror. I was terrified of stepping outside that front door alone with a baby. Molly was dead and my home had burned down. What was going to happen next? Would something happen to my parents? Would hackers drain my bank account? Would I break both of my hands and never be able to paint again? What if something happened to Joy?
I flinched, and my brain immediately skittered away from that horrific thought.
What the hell was I doing?
“Parker?”
My head snapped up from where I was sitting in the middle of Declan’s office. I’d been glaring at my blank sketch pad for God only knew how long. “Hey,” I said roughly. Thoughts cluttered up my brain and for a moment, I couldn’t even remember what I’d been doing. Maybe I needed some sleep. Joy had gone down for the night and I’d retreated to Declan’s office hoping to get some kind of late-night inspiration.
“Are you okay?”
I grunted and pushed to my feet. I’d stolen Declan’s desk chair and rolled it around to the center of the room. “Yeah, I’m good. Just tired, I guess.”
“Was Joy okay with daycare today?”
Placing my hand on the top of the chair, I pushed it behind Declan’s desk, putting it away. “Yeah. Traffic was a fucking bear, though. Another accident on the highway slowed everything to a crawl and got me stuck in the beginning of rush hour.”
As I moved away from Declan’s desk, he stepped past me and opened a drawer to pull out a manila folder with a stack of papers inside.
“I’ve been thinking about the daycare situation ever since Joy got sick,” Declan started, and I shuddered. Memory of the plague that swept through the house still sent a chill along my spine. Not only was it the first major illness that Joy suffered since coming into my care, but I still felt guilty for the way it cut through everyone in the house.
“What do you mean?”
Declan handed me the folder. I opened to discover that it was a thick stack of résumés. Most of the applicants appeared to be women. I read down to find that these were applicants for nannies.
“I thought that if we hired a live-in nanny to take care of Joy, you wouldn’t have to worry about making the drive to and from daycare with her. It would save you time and free you from the frustration of battling traffic. In addition, keeping Joy home would allow her to stay in her safe, familiar environment. Not to mention, it would reduce her exposure to germs and random viruses that kids are passing around.”
“No.”
“But—”
I didn’t let him get any further than that. The folder slapped closed, and I shoved it back into his hands. “Absolutely not.”
“If this is about the expense…”
“No. Thanks to all the commissions I have between you and your friends, I have plenty of money to pay for a live-in nanny. That’s not the problem. The issue I have with it is everything else. No. Absolutely not.”
The idea of handing Joy off to a nanny had my hands trembling .
“I don’t understand why you’re so upset.”
My head was shaking, but I couldn’t get the words out. Panic flooded into my brain, washing everything else away.
Declan put the folder on his desk and rested a hand on my shoulder, squeezing. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
“Everything is wrong. It’s all wrong.”
“I’m sorry for suggesting the nanny. I was concerned about Joy’s health. She’s still so young and vulnerable.”
“Yes, but she’s vaccinated, and the daycare takes precautions. Viruses are always going around. Kids are walking petri dishes, growing up all kinds of nastiness. That’s part of life. Joy can’t build up a healthy immunity to germs if she never gets sick.”
I paced away from Declan and shoved my hands into my hair, grabbing handfuls and pulling. The minor pain helped to clear the fear away enough to find some words. “And what about when it’s time for her to start preschool and kindergarten? Do we hire in a teacher? She’s just homeschooled for the next eighteen years of her life? Trust me, I know school sucks. Especially high school. But there’s a lot of good shit that happens in school. Your first crush. Friends. Meeting the person who’s going to be your best friend.” I swung around and pinned him with a sharp look. “Wouldn’t your life be massively different if you’d never met Sebastian?”
“It would have been, yes. I’m not suggesting that Joy needs to be homeschooled. That’s something that doesn’t need to be decided for several years.”
With a grunt, I resumed pacing, dropping my hands back to my sides. “Didn’t you say that a nanny raised you?”
“Yes, I was. She was nice.”
“Yeah, and she saved your dad from needing to have anything to do with you. If we were to get a nanny for Joy, does that mean we’d be spending that much less time with her? Is that your way of getting past me having a kid? When we first started fucking, you were very clear that you didn’t want kids. And with a nanny, you can almost pretend that I don’t have one.”
“That’s not fair,” Declan snarled. His pale face flushed red. “Yes, in the beginning, we were both single and childless. I thought I could never be happy having a child in my life, but after spending the past two months with Joy, I’ve found that I was wrong. I adore her. She’s very precious to me, and I treasure every moment that I get to spend with her. No, I don’t want a nanny to take that time away from me. If we were to hire one, I envision this person just watching over her for about five to six hours through the middle of the day, during the time we’re both working. Early morning, evenings, and weekends would be our time together.”
So, he really saw the nanny as replacing the daycare, and that was it. However, if she was live-in, we’d have an almost built-in babysitter for our dates.
“Oh…” I mumbled. “No, still. She needs time with other kids and people. She needs to learn to socialize and get more exposure to the world. Maybe it’s not as big a deal at seven months, but it will be soon. Did you know that she already has other kids at daycare that she wants to be around? There’s another girl who is in her class, and she always wiggles to be close to her when they’re playing. I’m not a fucking child psychologist, but being with other kids feels important to me. Besides, Molly is the one who chose this daycare. She vetted it. This is what she wanted for her daughter.”
Declan’s frown deepened, and I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I wasn’t going to like what he was about to say. “Parker, I’m sorry. Molly is gone. Joy is your daughter. I understand you want to honor all of her wishes, but you’ve got to make your own choices. You can’t warp your life into what she would have wanted. Wouldn’t Molly have wanted you to raise your daughter how you saw fit? Not by the wishes of some ghost?”
“Molly isn’t a ghost. She’s Joy’s mother! Molly had all these plans for Joy. Even before she found out that she was pregnant, she spent months doing research. She had notebooks filled with all the important information she’d gathered from reading a mountain of books. She knew what daycare and private school Joy was to attend. There were notes on pediatricians and food. Classes. Fuck! There was even a notebook on the extracurricular classes that Joy could go to. Everything from soccer to dance to gymnastics to freaking mixed media art and violin lessons.” A rush of air left me, and I sagged, almost swaying on my feet. “Some people dream of Hawaiian vacations and big promotions. Or maybe an enormous house. Molly dreamed of having a baby. And just as she was getting her first taste of that dream, she died and it’s…it’s not fucking fair. I was her best friend. The least I can do is try to carry out that dream for her and make sure that Joy has the life her mother wanted for her.”
“What about your life?”
My head snapped up at Declan’s whispered question. The brief anger had drained from his face and he looked worried.
“What about your life?” he repeated. “I don’t think the point was that Joy had to attend a certain school or play soccer, but that she had the love and support she needed to live a happy life. Don’t you think that’s what Molly wanted for her daughter? And if she was your best friend, I don’t think she would have wanted you to sacrifice your life and happiness for your daughter?”
Declan was making sense, and yet something he’d said earlier kept repeating in my brain, merging with what my mother had said more than a week ago.
I wandered to a black leather sofa in a far corner of the room and sank into the cushions. “My life,” I mumbled. “What have I done with my life recently?” This wasn’t the first time I’d heard this refrain. I just hadn’t expected it from Declan.
“What do you mean? ”
“I’ve been living with you for six weeks. Did you know that I’ve not looked for a new apartment once? Not even glanced at a town house or condo. Six. Weeks.”
“You’ve been busy. Overwhelmed.”
“For six fucking weeks?” The words came out harsher than I meant them to, but I was frustrated and scared. “This was never meant to be a long-term arrangement. When I stayed that first night, I told myself that this was going to be a few days—a week at most. But I’ve been here six weeks, Declan.”
There was a long silence that expanded to consume the room. Declan broke the silence at last; his voice was surprisingly soft. “Haven’t you been happy here?”
Oh, fuck. It was like he’d slipped a knife between two of my ribs and into my heart. The sudden pain stole my breath away, and every instinct was to rush across the room to pull him into the tightest hug. But I remained seated with my head lowered. If I looked, if I touched him, I’d cave and nothing would change.
“I have.” My voice was sandpaper rough, and I swallowed twice to clear my throat. “I’ve felt so happy and safe here. Nothing to worry about. But it’s like I’ve let you wrap me up in this ball of cotton. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore. It’s like I’m floating along the river, not making any choices for myself.”
I finally dared to peek up at Declan to find his face was blank, but I could see the hurt welling up in his eyes. “Think about it: if you were dating someone for less than a month, would you be living with them? Honestly.”
“No. But it’s different with you.”
“Am I different or convenient? We enjoy each other’s company, the sex is great, and me living here makes things easy.”
“It’s not wrong just because it’s easy.”
I sighed. “True. Okay, think about it this way. If this were Joy and her apartment burned up, would you be okay if she went from temporarily living with a friend to dating and living with this person in under two months?”
Declan’s thin lips pressed into a hard line, which I took for a definite no. But the answer I got surprised me. “Your mother said something about you living here.”
My shoulders slumped. “Yes, she did. Not that she has any problem with you. She likes you. However, she also knows her very independent son. I don’t jump into relationships. And I don’t jump into living with someone. What if I’m doing all of this because I’m scared of fucking up Joy’s life and more things going wrong? I can’t live my life being scared and relying on you to make it all better.”
“Actually, you can,” Declan argued. I glared at him, but the asshole didn’t take his words back. He slipped his hands into the pockets of his slacks and moved to stand directly in front of me. “I hear what you’re saying. I don’t like it, but I understand it. What do you want to do? Do you plan to leave?”
“Y-yes,” I stammered, forcing myself to actually say the words that had become lodged in my throat. “This has all been rattling around in my head for the past several days, and I think…I know that I need to stand on my own for a while. To at least try to put my life together again. Like I’d originally planned.”
Declan stared at me in silence for a long time. His face was an unreadable mask. Over the past year, I’d gotten good at being able to read him, but this time, he was completely closed off. When Declan spoke, it was to carve out the remains of my heart. “If I had my way, you and Joy would always stay here. We’d continue living like we have been. I want you and Joy to feel like you belong here. Not that you settled.”
He walked out of his office and disappeared down the hall, carrying the chunks of my heart he’d claimed for himself.
I didn’t want to leave him, but I also didn’t want to look back at my life and wonder what the fuck I was doing. There was no way in hell I was letting someone as special and amazing as Declan become a regret. He deserved better. And that meant he might deserve far better than me.