Chapter 9
NINE
ETHAN
“Fuck,” I muttered under my breath as I hopped into my truck. Andrew had been right when he questioned if Jude had an agenda. Clearly, he did. It was to leave the Church. Or rather, he wanted to be laicized. Whether this happened or not would be in question until he was facing decision time.
If the young boy hadn’t showed up, I would’ve told Jude that he didn’t need any time to decide whether he wanted to keep seeing me.
The answer was yes. And if Jude, for whatever reason, chose to stay a priest, I’d deal with the heartache.
Until then, I’d meet Jude wherever he was allowed to.
Because I also had limitations. I hadn’t brought up the subject until I knew our blossoming friendship—with any luck, relationship—was even happening.
Now that it was, I had to give Jude the same option that he’d given me.
Once he had all the information on me, would he still want to move forward?
For now, I had another big decision to make. Gabby had sent a text asking if I’d stop by and talk to her and Belle. Apparently, Belle had returned home temporarily until they ironed out their baby issues.
Before going to their house, I stopped by Noto Patisserie so I could bring Italian breakfast pastries.
Belle was vegan and since Luca began working at Noto, he’d added vegan options to their menu.
Belle’s favorite were the scones with hazelnut and apricot filling, while Gabby and I loved the anisette biscotti.
Since I was a regular customer, Judy, the bakery manager, always asked if I wanted to try whatever Luca’s special was and she’d throw in a couple for free.
When I arrived and Gabby opened the door, all thoughts of the pastries, and anything else, fled from my mind.
Both women showed their tension in rigid posture and attempted to make eye contact.
After dropping a kiss on Gabby’s cheek, I went over to Belle and gave her a hug.
She wasn’t accepting of my embrace but she also didn’t push me away. “How are you?”
She tried at a half smile. “Life has been better.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, then followed the women to the kitchen where the table was set with three mugs and small dessert plates.
Gabby poured coffee into each mug, and I took a seat at my regular place at the table.
Belle was putting the pastries on a platter. “Thanks for bringing the scones.”
“For sure,” I said. “Judy added a couple of new ones, both vegan.”
Once we’d fixed our coffees and they were seated at the table, as delicious as the pastries looked, no one had any interest in eating.
When Gabby asked me to come over, she’d said it was to know my decision about being a sperm donor.
Besides thinking of Jude non-stop all week, I’d been equally as consumed with the idea of fathering a child.
I discussed the ramifications with Andrew when we met for our regular Thursday session.
I’d also discussed the idea with Frank and Mamma after Gabby had given me permission.
She’d actually been grateful that I’d gone to her parents for their opinion.
After all, they knew their daughter best and treated me with the same respect and love they showed their son, Teddy.
“Would you start, Ethan?” Belle asked.
I understood the request and as such, sipped my steaming coffee slowly, using the time to gather my thoughts.
When I’d put the mug down, I reached for each woman’s hand.
Looking from one to the other, I said, “I want you to know that I’ve thought hard about what it would mean to father a child.
I spoke to my therapist, and you both know I had a long conversation with Frank and Mamma.
” I released their hands and sat back. “But now I have questions.”
Gabby and Belle exchanged quick glances, then Gabby said, “Shoot.”
“You’re hardly talking to each other. You’re living separately.
Is my answer going to make that much of a difference in your relationship?
Because I’ll be honest, my biggest fear is that I donate my sperm, making the child biologically and emotionally half mine, and then you split.
Who raises the child? Who takes over the financial responsibility?
Frank and Mamma said they’d help but Frank’s ready to retire and they’re looking to travel and spend time in Italy. ”
Belle wiped at her face. “Ethan, I love Gabby. The only reason I’ve been staying away is because I get lost not only in our love but in my role as her submissive.
You know what it’s like to have a total power exchange and relinquish all control of your life to a Dom.
After five years, the dependency on Gabby is ingrained. Do you understand?”
I did, and she wasn’t wrong. The total power exchange is what allowed Thorne to turn me into a drug-addicted monster. He used his control over me. “Yes, I do,” I simply said. “But that doesn’t explain your feelings about wanting a baby with her.”
Belle looked sheepishly at Gabby. “I’ve also been seeing a therapist. She explained that your resistance about partnering with a stranger to have a baby is valid. A lot of people are perfectly fine with using the sperm from an anonymous donor. Just as many aren’t.”
At those words, Gabby dashed around the table and dropped to her knees, wrapping her arms around Belle’s waist, then peppering her face with kisses punctuated with words of love.
“I have more to share,” Belle said and patted the seat next to her.
Gabby kissed Belle one last time and then settled on the chair, still holding Belle’s hand. “I’m ready.”
“The therapist I saw specializes in couples who live alternative lifestyles. She was familiar with our dynamic and hinted at having personal experience. She explained that we’d raise a child like any vanilla couple.
Certain kinks we’d keep from them until they were old enough to understand.
Or we’d never share them. She was adamant about parents not only being allowed to have their own secrets, but that they should in order to keep their relationship with their partner, or partners, alive.
She even shared that she’d worked with parents in the BDSM world who identified as Littles and who had learned how to parent successfully while carving out time to have their needs met as well. ”
I was enthralled by the information. “She made good points. And the fact that you have her support moving forward is awesome. Would she do couples counseling?”
“Yes,” Belle said. “If we do this, you’d have to be willing to go therapy with me.”
“Shit, yes,” Gabby said. “I’m just happy that we’re together again.” She stopped and withdrew from Belle. “You are coming back home?”
Belle grinned. “My stuff’s in the car. But now it’s up to you, Ethan.”
Gabby and Belle looked at each other and then at me. They remained seemingly unblinking. I stared them down. “If I decide, I want guarantees. I can’t imagine being responsible for bringing a child into the world and not falling in love immediately and wanting to be a part of their life.”
“Of course,” they said simultaneously.
“But…” I said, holding my hand up. “I want the choice at the time of the birth. I’m still going to therapy for my own shit. And now, as you know Gabby, I’m seeing Jude.”
“Jude?” Belle piped up, her head darting between me and Gabby.
Gabby patted her hand. “Later. Let’s not get off track.”
“Right,” Belle agreed and turned back to me. “Are there any other guarantees, Ethan?”
“I spoke to a family attorney who said that sperm donors typically sign a legal agreement relinquishing all parental rights. He also said that each case is different, depending on the circumstances. Since I’m not a stranger but feel like part of the family, I asked him if he’d be willing to create a legal agreement that states in the event something happens to both of you, full custody is transferred to me.
If for any reason, one of you leaves, I want to pay child support as if the child was legally mine.
In that way, the financial responsibility is split. ”
Belle’s forehead crinkled in concern. “And the attorney agreed your demands are legally doable? He’d set something up?”
“Yes,” I said emphatically. “As long as all parties sign with two witnesses present.”
Belle looked to her wife. “Does all that sound reasonable to you?”
“Yes,” Gabby said, and kissed Belle on the temple. “What about you?”
Belle kissed her back in reply, letting her lips linger a few moments.
I cleared my throat. “Since I’m guessing you’d like to spend some time together getting reacquainted, I’ll head out.
About the baby, now that I’ve seen you together again, I’ll take tonight and tomorrow to decide if I’m in one hundred percent.
” I looked pointedly at Gabby. “Since you’ll be the one carrying the infant in your belly for nine months, you make sure, too. ”
When I stood, Gabby did too and came around to hug me. “Thank you, Ethan. I’m so glad Artemis Drakos hired you. Because then you met my dad and instantly became part of our family.”
I gave her an eye roll. “He pitied me.”
Gabby poked me in the chest. “He saw good in you and maybe a little pity. But Mamma just fell in love with you.”
“I understand her dialect,” I said teasingly. But deep down I knew that Frank and Mamma really did care about me. And they’d been thrilled that I was considering becoming the sperm donor.
I left a minute later and laughed softly when I heard Gabby say to Belle, “Bedroom. Now.”
I headed back to my apartment and changed into bathing trunks and a tank top, tied on running shoes, then jogged down to the running path along the ocean.
The only thing I didn’t like about Long Beach was the multitude of offshore platforms used for oil and gas production, with an average of twenty container ships at berth daily in addition to a significant number anchored, waiting their turn to come into port.