Chapter 9 #2
But as I took off at an easy run, I was grateful for the ocean at my fingertips despite the commercialism surrounding me.
All I had to do was drive south to the coastal towns of Dana Point and San Clemente, with waves that were a surfer’s dream.
I wondered what it would be like to be pushing a jogging stroller as I pointed out a pod of dolphins to a son or daughter.
Or as they got older, would they be interested in running alongside me?
I hadn’t given much thought to ever having children until I had a husband, but then Belle and Gabby started talking about it last year.
Once they’d engaged me in the conversation about becoming a sperm donor, the idea of being Uncle Ethan to the baby both scared and excited me.
I wondered if Jude left the priesthood if he’d want to have children.
Unfortunately, I wouldn’t see him for six days.
Well actually, I’d see him tomorrow at Mass but wouldn’t be able to talk to him.
I finished my five-mile run, took a long shower, had an early dinner, then watched TV until I fell asleep on the sofa, not remembering one thing about the rom-com that was on the screen.
Upon waking the next morning, the first thing I surprisingly thought about was not Jude.
I ignored my hard-on and closed my eyes again as images of a little girl with bouncing curls opened the door and dove on the bed to hug her Uncle Ethan.
But did I want only to babysit my daughter?
And would she rather call me Babbo, meaning dad in the southern regions of Italy?
Jude interrupted my thoughts as I envisioned the beautiful man in bed with me while my daughter bounced up and down on Jude’s stomach.
Then I’d cradle her and Jude would throw his arms around us both and…
and nothing, idiot! I broke from the daydream, not wanting to get ahead of myself with Jude.
If we ever went on a date, we might discover we don’t even like each other.
More importantly, I had to own up to my limitations in the bedroom if things progressed between him and me.
Nevertheless, no matter how much I ordered myself not to dwell on a future with a boyfriend and kids, I dozed off with those exact images behind my eyelids.
To my dismay, the fantasies hadn’t lasted and instead, I’d tossed and tangled with the sheets as I questioned my ability to be a good dad, or even an uncle, when I hadn’t had any role models.
My parents had never abused me physically but they’d hurt me emotionally by doling out love in small, measured portions.
And then my dad stopped taking an interest in me altogether when I’d obtained a degree in automotive engineering rather than pursuing an erudite major in advanced trigonometry or something.
My mother had been equally disappointed.
Feeling thoroughly dejected, I planned to go to Mass but instead I found myself calling Mamma and asking if I could stop by for coffee. She’d been enthusiastic and told me the espresso was simmering so hurry on over.
When Mamma opened the door to me, she kissed both cheeks and led me into the kitchen. As I followed her through the rooms scanning the study, family room, and patio, I asked, “Where’s Frank?”
“He left about an hour ago to pick Teddy up and then drive him to the airport.”
“Oh, that’s right. Teddy’s off to Oxford. What else is new? Next, he’s going to tell us that he’s moving there.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” she said coyly.
Then Mamma turned away from the espresso machine and gave me a shrewd smile, her brown eyes bright.
“He’s been invited to give talks at Oxford on…
” She pressed her index finger to her lips.
“Something about Italian politics in the new age. But really, he’s been invited more times than I would’ve imagined possible for a professor who lives across the ocean. ”
“Who’s the woman, again?”
“Signorina Maria Trucillito, a professor of Italian literature,” she said, sending me a wink.
I laughed. “No wonder you’re excited. Have they been keeping in touch all year?”
Mamma nodded very emphatically.
“Why didn’t I know anything about this?” I asked as I took the proffered demitasse cup from her.
“No one did,” she huffed and then grinned. “Teddy only told me when I pressured him for answers. Franco kept telling me to leave the boy alone. But I have a good feeling about this.”
“You would know, Mamma,” I said. My mouth turned downward as I fingered the paper napkin.
I was kind of glad that Mamma and I were alone. I loved the heck out of Frank but the fact that he was my boss at work made me a bit reticent to being completely open. On the other hand, with Mamma it was hard not to spill my guts.
“Parlami, figliolo,” she pleaded, her voice soft. I loved that she spoke the words in their native tongue.
She’d asked me to talk to her as a son, so I did.
All my pent-up feelings from the night before came tumbling out.
“Mamma, I can’t be the sperm donor for Gabby.
I love her and would do anything to help save her marriage.
But not this. If they use my sperm, the baby gets my genes and I don’t want to pass them down.
I’m not a good person so what kind of father would I be?
My parents were distant and I wouldn’t want that for a child.
And then…” Dragging my hands through my hair, I recalled all the ugly things I’d done to others while I was under Thorne’s control—to myself.
If I couldn’t keep myself safe, then how would I keep a child safe?
Mamma stood and stepped around the table.
She pulled a chair out and angled the position so when she sat, she was facing me.
Her wrinkles were prominent and the bags under her eyes seemingly darker.
She didn’t look happy and I expected the worse from her.
Maybe she’d tell me that I was right, that I wasn’t good enough.
The baby wouldn’t be just any child; he or she would be her grandchild.
“Mio figliolo,” she said and then, “my son,” repeating the endearment in English even though she knew damn well that I understood her dialect. Taking one of my hands, she squeezed fiercely. “There is only one question you have to answer.”
“Wh-what?” I stammered.
“Do you want the baby? As a part-time father or uncle or however Gabby and Belle set up the relationship between you, them, and the baby.”
“I-I… Mamma, I just told you all the reasons I can’t.”
She dropped my hand and poked at my chest over my heart. “In here, Ethan. Put aside all the reasons you think you’re not good enough. Please, figliolo, just answer the question.”
Tears stung at the back of my eyes, and it took me a few moments before I admitted, “Yes.” I shook my head and then faced Mamma.
“I’ve always wanted to have my own family, despite my own childhood.
But I didn’t know what it would look like.
And then you and Franco took me in as your own and for the first time in my life, I witnessed what being a family was all about.
The closeness and love even at work. Artemis treats all of his employees like kin.
I tell Franco to sit down when I see his leg bothers him and he barks at me to pay attention to what I’m doing.
But then he does as I asked and I feel like it’s a huge win because he knows I care about his pain and I want to ease it. ”
“I’ll let you in on a secret,” Mamma interrupted.
“Every time you make him get off his feet, he comes home and tells me what a good man you are. Always looking out for him. And how you extend your selflessness to your co-workers. No one is as talented a mechanic as you at Drakos dealership, but you never brag. You only do your job and help out when you can without expecting any glory.”
“Mamma, this isn’t a car. We’re talking about a baby.”
She let out a soft laugh. “We are. But Ethan, you’re not the person you think you are.
You sit for hours watching baseball with Franco and Teddy even though you could care less about the game.
When my mother was in the hospital, you’d visit and read to her in Italian.
Most of all, you love Gabby like a sister.
” Mamma’s voice grew serious. “From what you’ve said about your parents, you never knew what love was.
And maybe when you were with Thorne and went to Napa is because you were desperate for someone to love you. ”
I nodded furiously as tears tracked down my cheeks because she was right. That’s exactly how Thorne manipulated me.
“But that wasn’t you, Ethan. The man sitting here in my kitchen asking for my advice is the Ethan that I love as much as my own son.
So, you listen to me, figliolo. If you don’t want to bring a child into the world, then don’t.
Gabby and Belle will have to make their marriage work.
If they can’t, that’s on them. What they’ve asked of you is huge, Ethan.
But…” she stroked my cheek. “If you want to be the sperm donor, I’d feel fortunate that my grandchild inherits your genes.
In the end, mio figliolo, do what makes you happy.
No one else. Because that’s what you deserve. ”
I swiped at my watery eyes and rasped out. “Grazie, Mamma.”
Mamma and I both turned toward the entry to the kitchen from the mudroom when we heard uneven footfalls and knew it was Frank.
A moment later, he came into the kitchen and rested his cane against the wall before he clapped me on the shoulder and then did the same to Mamma before he poured himself a cup of café. “Good to see you, Ethan, but you usually aren’t here on a Sunday morning. Is everything all right?”
“I wanted to talk to Mamma—and you, if you’d been here—about being a sperm donor,” I said, not ready to rehash the conversation. “I still haven’t decided but I promised Gabby that I’d tell her and Belle tomorrow. Mamma will fill you in.”
Mamma asked her husband, “How was Teddy when you dropped him off?”
“Like a man in love,” Frank said and reached over to give his wife a peck on the lips.
Mamma shifted in her seat, squeezed Frank’s lips together, and gave him a smooch. “This Ethan…” she said, giving her husband’s chin a little shake. “This is what love looks like. We were fortunate to have a beautiful son and daughter. But even if we hadn’t, we’d still be here together.”
I pushed to my feet, then took the cup to the sink and rinsed it. I kissed Mamma’s cheek and patted Frank’s back. “And once I get out of here, you’ll have the whole house to yourself.”
“Are you coming back for Sunday dinner?” Mamma asked.
Frank leaned in and whispered in Mamma’s ear. Whatever he said made her blush. She didn’t reply in words but her adoring look said it all.
“Grazie, Mamma, but not today. You and Frank enjoy your evening alone.” I threw them a kiss and left through the mudroom and garage.
I was edgy, a nervousness that grew as I drove home.
I thought about Frank murmuring in Mamma’s ear.
Their love, even after thirty-five years of marriage, still shone in her eyes whenever she looked at Frank.
Their beginning had been rocky. Mamma had been two months pregnant when they exchanged vows.
More than once, when Gabby went to her with problems with Belle, Mamma would remind her how she was a surprise baby, the best kind of surprise.
Nonetheless, she and Frank had to figure out how to adapt to the unexpected birth, in addition to staying strong against family members that hadn’t approved.
But they’d made it work and Gabby still remained tight with her parents, particularly her mother.
Mamma and Frank’s happy ending brought Jude to mind.
I recalled reading on the church’s website that on the first Sunday of each month there was a High Mass in Latin at eleven.
The time on the dashboard read ten forty.
I had just enough time to get there and hoped I’d find a parking space.
I wasn’t that fortunate and drove around the same handful of blocks for ten minutes before I snatched one.
The church bells had chimed already, signaling the start of the service.
I slipped inside and stood against the wall with other people who’d been late and hadn’t snagged a seat.
However, what immediately made my mouth drop open with astonishment was Jude singing the refrain of the Gloria accompanied by organ music coming from the balcony.
I hadn’t heard the hymn since I’d been an altar boy, but I’d always felt eerily special, as if the joyful declaration of God’s glory would make him look down on me with favor.
To hear Jude’s powerful voice, which was equally rich and warm, and see his blissful expression as he raised his face upward to the vaulted ceiling…
The sight weakened my knees and suddenly made me doubt that Jude would ever leave the Church.
I’d never heard, or seen, a more stunning tribute to God.
The song ended and Jude lowered his eyes to the congregation as he recited the opening prayer.
Normally, I would’ve telepathically sought out his gaze but instead, I backed into the corner and slightly behind the man next to me.
As soon as the prayer was finished, I waited until Jude turned to the altar and then I slipped out the same way I’d crept in.
The following Friday I didn’t go to confession.
As much as I desperately wanted to see Jude, I lost courage.
After telling Gabby and Belle that I’d be their sperm donor, I knew my life had taken a different trajectory.
Even though I had no legal rights to be the baby’s father, the women had both agreed that they’d be the baby’s mom and mama, and I’d be the baby’s papa from day one.
I was scared shitless just thinking about being someone’s papa, but no one else in the Cattaneo family had an issue with it.
On the contrary, in the hopes that I was going to deliver good news on Monday, Mamma had prepared a celebratory dinner.
Even Teddy offered his congratulations by video chat from Oxford.
Saturday morning marked one week since I’d seen Jude.
Upon waking at an ungodly hour, I gave in to my desire.
By seven I was sitting in my truck with my eyes closed and a compilation of soft rock music playing from my cell phone.
I was an hour early. Even earlier considering I didn’t get in line until near the end.
But I didn’t mind. This was an alternative to sitting in an empty apartment.
Maybe I’d catch a glimpse of Jude as he walked from the rectory to the church.
However, nature had its own plans as minutes later, my head lolled to the side and I fell asleep…