Chapter 10
TEN
JUDE
I kept peeking to see if Ethan had arrived and ashamedly, paid hardly any attention to the woman confessing her sins; the same ones she professed every week regarding habitual gossiping.
I’d been surprised that Ethan hadn’t shown up the previous day.
I’d been close to sending him a text to find out why.
But then I decided we weren’t at that point in our friendship to be questioning each other’s whereabouts.
“Father Jude,” the woman said, irritation in her voice.
I had the feeling that she might’ve said my name more than once. “Sorry, Mrs. Clementi, I’m feeling under the weather,” I lied and then made the sign of the cross. “Go in peace.”
“Aren’t you giving me penance?” the woman asked, almost as if she’d been ignored.
“Mrs. Clementi, I think your patience with me not being one hundred percent is penance enough, don’t you think?”
The woman giggled, although I wasn’t quite sure why. Maybe because I’d asked for her opinion?
“Yes, Father Jude,” she said and cracked the door only enough to look out. “Oh good, Father Jude, you only have one more person waiting. Feel better.” With a wave, she left.
As Ethan approached the confessional, she patted his arm and whispered loud enough for me to hear. “Make it quick. Father’s not feeling well.”
“You’re sick? I can leave,” Ethan offered.
“No,” I blurted out a little too loud. Quieting my voice, I said, “No, please. I’ve missed you.”
Once Ethan was fully inside the confessional and sank down on the chair, I noticed that he was worn out.
“I’m fine. I might’ve told a small white lie when I was more interested in watching for your arrival than in hearing her confession.
But are you all right? You look like you haven’t slept in days. ”
Ethan shrugged. “Other than the power nap I took in my truck before I came inside, I haven’t really.”
“What’s going on? Please talk to me. I’ve really missed you.”
“That’s what has me confused, Jude,” Ethan said, dragging his hands over his head.
“I didn’t come yesterday because last Sunday I walked in at the beginning of the High Mass.
You were singing the Gloria. In your robes with your gaze upward…
I can’t even describe how ethereal you looked.
Like the angel I knew you as here on earth was ascending to the heavens.
And I thought, he’s never going to leave the Church.
So, this is me watching out for my heart. If I’m wrong, tell me.”
“You’re not wrong. Once in a while, there are moments of ecstasy when I become entranced by the music and the words.
It’s a high really, the way the congregation is as caught up in the energy as I am, and I sing as if I’m truly singing the praises to God directly.
” I looked at Ethan fiercely. “But a spiritual happening caused by the trappings of song and being the center of attention is not the same as experiencing spirituality deep inside. Or of not giving a woman penance because I wanted her to leave the church as quickly as possible so she wouldn’t know how long you’re in the confessional with me.
” I pressed my hand to the wooden grille between us as he’d done a few weeks back.
“Ethan, mirror my hand. Please, let me touch you.”
Ethan did more than I asked. He flattened his palm and poked his fingers through the lattice so he was wriggling them across my skin.
I sucked in a breath. “Thank you,” I breathed in a whisper. “Don’t give up on me, Ethan.”
“I’ll try not to.” Seeking confirmation of my feelings he asked, “Did you really think about me this week?”
I couldn’t fit my fingers alongside Ethan’s in the gaps made by the lattice.
Instead, I rubbed my palm over his fingertips.
“All the time.” I scanned the church to make sure no one was left and then I leaned forward, instinctively, Ethan matched my move.
“Do you want to know how many times I jacked off with your name on my lips?”
Ethan’s breathing quickened. “Tell me.”
“Every shower I took. And in the mornings, when I imagined my morning wood bumping against your…” I couldn’t finish my sentence in church. Neither could I take my eyes from Ethan. “What about you, Ethan? Did you pleasure yourself with me in mind?”
My admission appeared to have aroused Ethan, judging by the way he adjusted in his seat. “Yes,” he murmured. “I’ve missed you, too.”
I wasn’t about to tell Ethan that the bishop might deny my petition.
I wanted to encourage our burgeoning relationship.
Because it definitely was no longer just a friendship.
“Ethan, I promise that if I change my mind about us, I’ll tell you right away.
” There was a pause and then I asked, “Are you hard? You dropped your hand.”
Ethan gulped. “Yes, I… I need for it to lose interest or I’m gonna come.”
I’m not sure what gave me the balls to be flirting sexually in church. I knew I’d go to hell for it but with Ethan, I didn’t feel immoral. My smile was evil when I said, “We can’t have that in a confessional.”
“Fuck, Jude. I’m changing the subject. I’m going to be a papa… a dad.” The words exploded on my tongue.
I recoiled. “Did you get someone—”
Ethan cut me off. “Oh God, Jude, nothing like that. Do you remember when I told you that my best friend Gabby and her wife were having marital problems?”
“Yes, I remember. Did they work them out?”
“I’d like to believe they did,” Ethan said, concern lacing his tone.
“The issue was they wanted to have a child, but Gabby refused to use a stranger as their sperm donor. She came to me last year, but I told her no. Over the months, her and her wife Belle had been meeting with anonymous sperm donors and a few in person, and Gabby got to a point where she refused to go that route. That led to Belle giving Gabby an ultimatum. Either I’m the sperm donor or Belle is filing for a divorce and she’ll have the baby herself. ”
“So, you’re doing this just so they won’t get a divorce? Ethan, the probability of them staying together is next to nothing. And if you don’t want a baby…” I stopped talking. I saw what was clearly in Ethan’s expression. “You do.”
Ethan nodded very slowly. “Yes, I’ve dreamed of having children in my future. My only doubt was that I would’ve preferred when I had a partner.”
“What changed your mind?”
“I think I also mentioned that Gabby is my boss’s daughter.
He and his wife started to invite me over when I took the job at the Maserati dealership.
In the beginning, I’d go maybe once a month.
But very quickly the invitations included Saturday brunches and weekly Sunday dinners.
Afternoons watching sports, which I have no interest in, with Frank and his son, Teddy.
But I enjoy the camaraderie, hanging out and being a part of a genuine family.
I’ve grown to love them and they shower me with the same.
So, when Gabby approached me again, I had a long conversation with Frank and his wife.
I discussed the idea with my therapist. I sat alone in my kitchen and made a list of all the pros and cons.
I decided even if they get divorced, I’m close with Gabby so I’ll still be a part of the child’s life without any of the fiscal or guardianship responsibilities.
And now that I’ve decided, I’m excited.”
I was quiet for a long time, with Ethan watching me.
He probably wondered why I hadn’t responded.
The fact was, I was trying to picture myself semi-parenting a child with Ethan.
I knew that I was getting way ahead of myself.
However, if I couldn’t envision myself at all then I needed to break if off with Ethan right now.
I thought of my mother and how I hated our Sunday calls full of the same arguments and negative comments.
I’d never be like my parents. I'd be a…? I looked up and Ethan was staring at me. “If you’re the dad, would I be an uncle?”
Ethan laughed out loud and then clamped his hand over his mouth for being too loud in the church.
Still chuckling, he said, “I’m not sure.
I guess Gabby and Belle would have final say.
My understanding from the family attorney I met is it’s uncommon for the donor to be considered a dad.
Is that your way of saying you wouldn’t mind that I was a sperm donor? ”
At that moment, my cell phone dinged an incoming text. I turned it face up and saw Inés was looking for me. “My secretary is on her way over.”
Ethan put his hand back on the lattice. “One more time before we part.”
I placed my hand against his, but the connection had lost its luster with the knowledge that Ethan was going to be part of a child’s life.
“I’ll wait here,” Ethan said. “Send me a text when the coast is clear.”
“Bye, Ethan,” I said, then darted away.
As soon as Inés and I were back in the rectory, I sent the all-clear text. Ethan replied with a thumbs-up emoji and I figured that he was trying to preserve his emotions. He had to notice that I never answered his question.
That night, I googled chat groups of people who were sperm donors.
As Ethan had said, the interaction between the sperm donor and recipient went from the experience being strictly a monetary transaction to the donor being directly engaged in the process, like Ethan.
After narrowing my research to sperm donors who were directly involved with the child, I got the sense that the donor was like a part-time dad.
Even in those instances, they were not liable for anything more than what they chose to give in time and love.
I closed my laptop with more questions than I began with.
Since we were in the infantile stage of our budding relationship, I wasn’t going to talk to Ethan about the baby coming until we were further along.