Chapter 14 #3
The bishop steepled his fingers, elbows on the arms of the chair.
He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again.
After a few minutes, he pulled back the fabric partition that separated us in the confessional.
“Father Jude, you’ve been transparent, and I appreciate that.
As for Father Matthew, I agree with your take on what God would say,” he said with a hint of a smile.
Immediately serious again, he chastised, “Breaking your promise as the head of a parish and your vow of celibacy are major transgressions. I’d like you to consider returning to the ministry for six months of solitude in penance and prayer.
Even so, you will never be allowed to lead a congregation again. ”
“Your Excellency, I won’t return again. My goal in seeing you was first and foremost to apologize for not speaking to you directly instead of taking off.
Secondly, I was hoping that you would have a change of mind regarding my laicization.
I’d like to put closure to this era of my life and I can’t believe that God would want me to spend months doing nothing but punishing myself when in my heart, I’m trying to live my truth. ”
The bishop looked like his ire was rising again so I tried to beat him to it. “With all due respect, Your Excellency, we’ve come to an impasse. Thank you for your time.” I genuflected and kissed his ring. Then I turned and left him sitting, a bit stunned.
Once outside, I jogged down the block to be away from his prying eyes and sent a text to Ethan telling him where to pick me up. Being on a one-way street, he flashed his lights, and I went to him not even half a block away.
I dove into his truck crying, face hidden in my hands.
I was just so damn frustrated. This was the first time that I’d followed my heart by walking away from the Church and I didn’t feel anything other miserable and fucked up.
How could I have walked away from the only life I’ve known, leaving nothing in my wake but bad feelings and an uncertain future ahead?
Ethan was right. I couldn’t depend on him saving me.
Maybe I should go back home until I made plans.
My mother would be horribly difficult to put up with but she’d be at work during the day and when she was home, my dad would be somewhat of a buffer if not tough enough to guard me totally against her venom.
Ethan reached over the console and wiped the teardrops from under my eyes with the pad of his thumb. Only then did I realize that we hadn’t moved from where he’d parked. He pressed the palm of his hand to my cheek, thumb rubbing over my bottom lip.
We stayed like that for a few minutes and then raising my face to his, he said, “Are you ready to go back to my place?”
I met his gaze with watery eyes. “I didn’t mean for you to have this burden,” I croaked.
Brushing my damp hair from my forehead, he asked. “What burden are you talking about?”
“Me,” I said simply.
“Babbo, you’re not. I promise.”
I left the warmth of his embrace and sat up. “But isn’t the dominant supposed to be the caretaker? The stronger one?”
Ethan smiled patiently as he started the engine. “Being a submissive doesn’t equate with weakness. Just like being a dominant doesn’t mean that you can’t have times of uncertainty and need support from someone who cares.”
“You do care, don’t you?” I didn’t tell him that his eyes were like liquid pools of emotion in which I saw his caring. No matter what his mood, his green eyes seemed to have a hundred variations of hues. At that moment, the edges of his irises were a soft green, like the leaves of daylilies.
“Yes, Babbo, now what do you want for supper? You have to eat something, and I’m starved. Having had lunch so early, my body is begging for nutrition.”
Not wanting anything spicy like Mexican food, I thought for a moment. I needed comfort food. “Have you ever had the homemade chicken noodle soup at Beach City Deli it was like he was questioning what to do with me.
Without another word, he got out and went inside the deli.
The storefront windows allowed me to gape at him as he waited in queue to order.
The tattooed guy behind him said something to Ethan that made him turn around.
Then the guy indicated the crab claw tattoo and in reply, Ethan drew a line with his finger from his shoulder to his torso.
They talked until it was Ethan’s turn to order.
After the guy ordered, they continued chatting until a woman from behind the counter handed Ethan a bag with our sandwiches in it.
Ethan and the guy did a fist-bump and by the time Ethan got in the truck and handed me the food, I was chuckling at his affability.
“You’re adorable. You didn’t know that guy, did you? ”
“Nah, he complimented me on my tattoo and then we just started talking about where we had ours done and who inked them. Why?”
I gave his forearm a few rubs. “Like I said, adorable.”
Ethan turned away as if blushing, then backed out of the space. Within five minutes he was parking again, but at his apartment. We were exiting when he said, “Oh shit, we should’ve stopped by the hotel.” He hesitated, then added, “Unless you decided not to stay tonight.”
“Baby, I want nothing more than to stay with you tonight. I could care less about wearing the same clothes in the morning.”
Ethan grinned. “Good, because I want to do what I promised you before. Hold you all night long.”
“Yeah,” I said, “I like that idea.”
Back in Ethan’s apartment, I watched him ladle Mamma’s chicken soup in bowls.
I noted that he added a generous teaspoon of grated parmesan cheese before he set a bowl in front of me.
Next, he removed the sandwiches from the oven, nice and hot.
He plated and served them. Lastly, standing with the refrigerator opened, he asked, “What do you want to drink? I have Michelob Ultra, Pinot Grigio, or water.”
“Beer with the Reuben,” I said, having sat the whole time since Ethan insisted that I should rest and chill.
Being able to ogle him was nice, his biceps when he reached in the cabinet for something or his ass when he bent over to remove the sandwiches from the oven.
All the parts of him that with mundane movements made me want to see more.