Chapter 14 #5
“I wanted my nipples pierced because I knew how much he wanted to play with them. I wasn’t prepared for the pain he put me through.
Now”—he took a few long beats before he added—“the piercings are a constant reminder that I survived. I recovered and I learned to live again. Now the only man who will ever touch them will be the person I can trust with my life.”
I craved to say that I could be that man. I’d never harm Ethan intentionally. But it was too early to be making such promises. So, I kept them to myself.
Ethan surrounded me with his arms and spread a ribbon of kisses from my neck down to my torso. Dropping to his knees, he washed my cock with efficient, clinical movements. “If I get carried away down here, we’ll never get to bed,” he said in explanation.
When he was finished, I reciprocated, but I wasn’t as slow or sensual in cleaning him up as the water began to cool and we both rushed to get out. “Can we go to bed?” I asked. “I want to hold you.”
We toweled off quickly. At his bedside, watching him draw down the bedding and slip in, I had to process what I was doing. I’d never in my whole life, including during my relationship with Finn, been in bed with anyone, much less another man. A tremor went through me.
Ethan pushed down the covers and crawled over to me, his soft cock shifting lazily against his thick thigh. When he approached me, he rose to a kneeling position. Cupping my face, he asked, “Are you wanting to change your mind? We can cuddle on the sofa if you want.”
I shook my head furiously. “No, I do want this. It’s just that…” I sucked in a ragged breath. “I’ve never shared a bed with anyone.” There was a pause. “And I feel like I’m on the verge of jumping off a cliff. Like this is a big thing.”
“This is a big thing.” Swinging his legs arounds, he took my hand and tugging, he urged, “Sit down next to me.”
I did as he asked, my body shivering from his nearness as he wrapped his arm around me.
“I’m learning that despite our very disparate backgrounds, we’re experiencing significant firsts together.
” He turned my chin so I’d look at him. “I’ve never slept with anyone in bed either.
I’ve been fucked and used on a bed. But even with Thorne, he made me sleep in another bedroom. And do you know what?”
I shrugged.
“I’m glad now that I have this moment with you.
” He stroked the side of my face and leaned in to give me kisses as sweet as candy.
“I’m falling for you, Jude. Even though I’m not sure what that really means because I’ve never been in love with anyone before.
But it’s my way of letting you know that if I wasn’t feeling so strongly, we wouldn’t be in this room, much less on my bed together. ”
I felt my eyes drift close. Ethan is falling for me.
I took a second to ponder how that made me feel.
Ethan has never shared a bed with a man before me.
His admissions were raw and honest, like the ones he’d confided to me in the confessional, and I knew in my heart that I could believe him.
I didn’t reciprocate. I first had to take private time to parse through my feelings.
And right now, I was overwhelmed, causing me to wriggle out of his hold.
Disappointment showed in his eyes. They appeared dark as moss with disappointment, but he recovered and let me loose with a weak smile. “I won’t force you, Jude. Tell me what you want and it’s yours.”
“Just like that?” I scoffed and immediately regretted the sound of my voice. More gently, I said, “You make it sound easy.”
When I frowned, Ethan pushed damp hair from my face and pressed his thumb over the wrinkle above the bridge of my nose.
He didn’t say more, instead moving his thumb off that spot and smoothing the lines on my forehead.
Light, feathery glides over my skin, as if he was swiping away my worries.
“It is easy. Let me be the caretaker tonight and hold you.” Standing up, he walked backward a few steps and pulled up the bedcovers for me.
An invitation. “Lay down with me, Jude.”
Ethan was patient even as I glanced from him to the welcoming bed with its fluffy pillows. I felt the pull to let my tired body rest. As I climbed in, I muttered, “I feel so stupid. I’m sorry.”
Ethan said nothing. He only kissed my forehead and walked to his side of the bed. I’d almost thought he might crawl over me, but he wasn’t thoughtless. When he was settled, he said, “How are you?”
I covered my face with my hands. “Now that I made that big deal, I’d still like for you to put your arms around me.”
Ethan maneuvered under the covers and said, “Meet me halfway,” as he scooted forward and backed up until his warm body was against me. “How’s that?”
I sighed and groaned. “I don’t mean to worry about every little thing, Ethan.
I trust you. It’s not that. I’m overwhelmed.
Or rather, fatigued is more accurate. Every step of the way is like a grenade exploding.
I’m trying to take the right steps to lessen the clusterfuck, but I’m not doing a very good job. ”
Ethan caressed my face and kissed my hair.
“I think,” he said tentatively, “maybe you just have to accept the explosions, however distressful, until everything is finalized. In the meantime, you have to remember to breathe easy in the knowledge that your inner strength has prevailed every time it has counted. Tell me what happened with the bishop?”
I reiterated the conversation, ending with how I’d stated our impasse. “I kneeled, kissed his ring, but then I just fled.”
“Sounds to me, Jude, that if you honored his title before you exited, that’s not fleeing.
You stood your ground, and the fact that you were honest about us…
” Ethan pressed his brow to the back of my head.
“Jude, that took immense courage. You’re being accountable for all your actions.
You apologized to the man despite his cruel attitude.
I wish you’d see yourself through my eyes. ”
I nudged closer to Ethan, and he tightened his arm around me. “How do I say, “thank you baby,’ in Italian?”
“Grazie, tesoro,” Ethan murmured behind my ear.
“I thought baby was something like bambino. In Philly where we lived there was a large community of Italians. I only remember a few words, but I recollect hearing women call their babies and small children the bambino word.”
Ethan drew lines on my back with his finger. “You’re right, if the baby in question really is a human baby. But you’re using baby in a different context so the translation is that of a sweetheart or lover, which is tesoro.”
“Write tesoro on my back, please,” I said, my Italian lacking Ethan’s beautiful melody.
He did, and my body quivered with each touch of his blunt fingernails on my skin. But then I sensed tension in his body. “Now that you understand the differentiation, do you want to call me ‘boy,’ which is widely used in BDSM, or something else that doesn’t—”
Interrupting Ethan’s sentence, I kicked off the blanket so I had room to maneuver and sat back on my heels. I stared into the eyes that held me captive, revealing the power he had over me. I might eventually be the dominant one in our relationship, but Ethan was equally courageous and strong.
“When you said you were falling for me, I didn’t reciprocate the sentiment because you took me by surprise.
I have to sit still with myself and process emotions as big as those.
” I stroked the side of his face. “I don’t know if I’m truly dominant or somewhere on the spectrum but for now, baby seems natural.
If down the road we don’t work out, you’ve taken claim on my heart and I would never use my endearments for you with another man.
Always yours, tesoro. So, back to my original intent of telling you grazie, for everything you’ve done over the last few days. ”
“Di niente,” Ethan said, “which translates to you’re welcome.” His brow creased in thought or question, I wasn’t sure. And then he asked, “May I kiss you?”
In answer, I wreathed his neck with my arms and as I dropped down onto my back, I took him with me so he was lying on top. He lifted his upper body and braced himself with his arms on either side of my head. His gaze was soft, almost loving as he seemed to catalog every detail of my face.
“You’re beautiful,” he said in hushed reverence. And then in Italian, “Sei bello.” He laid a soft kiss on each eyelid. “And here, bello,” and nibbled on my left ear lobe. “And there, bello.” He nipped on my opposite earlobe, which made my dick plump.
I was completely aware that he’d feel every twitch and chub against his own growing erection. He asked, “Should I stop?”
I shook my head. “No,” I said, a little too adamant.
I was so aroused that I took control and pulled his face down, gliding my tongue over his lips back and forth once, then twice.
On the third slide, he parted his lips and I took advantage.
I plundered his mouth, taking his tongue hostage as I sucked it hard, keeping our lips jammed together until we pushed off at the same time, gasping for air.
I hadn’t realized that I’d been grinding on Ethan’s cock until he let out a projected groan.
I lifted my hips to meet his, mashing our painfully hard cocks together.
My hands roamed over his back down to the top of his ass.
Even in my feverish race toward orgasm, I didn’t lose sight of his vulnerability with sex.
And as I gazed at his face, his eyes having lost their color with dilation, I continued my grip on him in a desperate attempt to keep the momentum going.
Nngh,” Ethan ground out as his hips jerked hard. It was what I imagined fucking me into the mattress would be like. His breathing morphed into frantic, breathy pants as our cocks seemed to duel for position.
Lungful’s of air filled my chest as waves of pleasure rolled over me, my toes curling as my body stiffened as the forceful desire for release raced up from my legs to my groin. “Oh fuck, baby, I think I’m gonna…”
At the same time, Ethan’s grunts seemed to get caught in his throat as orgasmic bliss transformed into a fiery union, and cum spilled between us.
Ethan’s head dropped forward, pearls of sweat dropping onto my face until he suddenly realized what was happening and swung his leg over, flopping down next to me. “Sorry.”
I ignored his apology and instead plastered myself to his side, giving us time to return to ourselves. Turning on my side, I drew a circle around his belly button with my finger. “Are you okay?”
“More than,” he rasped, clearly still not down from his high. “And you?”
“I had no idea, Ethan,” I said in a breathy reply. “I have nothing to compare it to. I don’t remember from when I was eighteen. But if I felt this enraptured from only frotting… We didn’t even touch ourselves.”
“I know.” Ethan pressed his thumb to my lips. “You are mine, Jude. My safe haven, as cliché as that sounds, allowing me to let go. I’ve never been so out of control with anyone else.”
“Baby,” was all I could say without getting emotional. I didn’t want to ruin the moment with tears, even if they were tears of joy. “Would you take a chaste shower with me?”
Ethan chuckled. “I’ll take any kind with you.”
I pressed a kiss to his stubble. “Did you always have this? I love the bristle on my skin.”
“For about the last five years or so. When I was in rehab, I grew a beard to offset when I had my head shaved. At the time, I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror and having a shaved head cut down on primping.
Once I was able to stand my reflection again, I let my hair grow and shortened the beard to what I have now. ”
“How do I say you’re handsome in Italian?”
“The same. Sei bello. The O at the end is the pronoun for a man and meaning handsome. For a woman, it’s sei bella, with an A at the end, meaning beautiful. Do you know any other languages?”
“I’ve studied Latin since seventh grade and all through the seminary,” I said, almost embarrassed. “And also some Greek, both for translating theological texts.”
Ethan tapped my chin. “Don’t put yourself down.”
“They’re not useful, like Italian.”
“You never know,” Ethan said solemnly. “But since you’ve already learned two non-native languages, I bet learning Italian should be easy. I could tutor you.”
“I think I’d like that, baby. But for now, we better get under the water, washed, and then back here to cuddle with a couple of more scratchy kisses, until we drift off to sleep.”
And that’s exactly what we did.