Chapter 16 #4
Belle turned on her wife. “I told you I didn’t want to come today. He violated his vows as a priest and I can’t condone that, much less have him involved in our baby’s life.”
“Belle,” Gabby barked. “Enough.” Addressing me, Gabby said, “My apology, Jude. This was no way to welcome you into our family.” Then she turned to her mother, father and lastly, Ethan. She shook her head and mouthed, Sorry.
Ethan tried for a smile that didn’t quite make it.
“Dad, Ma,” Gabby said, “I’m taking Belle home. But before I do”—she shot daggers at Belle—“I’m not going to apologize for your behavior.”
Belle definitely reacted to Gabby’s dominance in their relationship, but she wasn’t scared enough to be obedient.
Gabby hadn’t come out directly with her expectation from her submissive wife but it had been clearly insinuated.
“No, Gabby, I’m not. You’re not going to make me apologize for something I find disgraceful.
Just because everyone else buys into him because you all love Ethan, I won’t.
” With that, she turned on her heel and stormed out.
Gabby white-knuckled the back of the chair and tears seemed to pour unbidden. My heart went out for her. Belle was a fucking handful.
Ethan dashed to her and pulled her into his chest, his arms holding her tight. I personally knew the safe sensation of those arms and I was glad that she allowed him to soothe her. “Ti amo, Gabby. You and me… we’re good as green grass.”
Gabby’s mouth quirked and she nodded, probably because if she tried to talk, she’d lose it the way her eyes kept blinking and then shutting tight for an instant as she was trying to avoid an onslaught of tears.
I didn’t know if I was doing what was right, but I joined Ethan.
I didn’t touch Gabby but standing close to Ethan I said softly to her, “I’m good, Gabby.
And Ethan said your hours at the bar usually start later in the day.
Maybe one morning you’ll meet me for coffee and a breakfast burrito and we’ll sit looking out on the ocean.
Ethan said that’s a favorite for you and him.
So, if you don’t mind me impinging on a tradition—”
“No,” she interrupted. “I’d really like that. Ethan can share my contact information with you.”
She really did smile then, one that didn’t look fake. She kissed her mother’s cheek and threw her father a kiss across the table.
“If you need anything,” her mother said.
“Yeah, Ma, I know,” she said and walked out.
A minute later, we heard the front door close none too quiet, and I wondered if that was Belle’s way of saying good riddance or something along those lines.
Mamma threw her hands up into the air. “Franco, cosa diavolo?”
I nudged Ethan and he knew immediately what I was asking without words.
“Mamma said, what on earth or what the heck.
“Jude,” Frank said, “I don’t know what your stance is on cursing but since you don’t understand Italian, I need to get it out. Che cazzo?”
“Ethan translated, what the fuck.”
“Hey, I thought you were on my side,” Frank grumbled, none to convincing.
I laughed and then Ethan joined in. Mamma chuckled as did Frank.
Ethan and I took our seats again.
Mamma moved to where Gabby had been. The four of us close together made for an intimate gathering, which I appreciated. “Mangiamo,” Mamma said to us.
“Oh, I know that one,” I exclaimed like a school kid. “Let’s eat.”
Mamma and Frank exchanged glances and Ethan warned, “Don’t get ahead of yourselves,” making us all laugh again.
The rest of the dinner was wonderful with lots of conversation about the sites in Italy that Frank and Mamma recommended I should go to. The lasagna was beyond delicious, and Mamma served cannoli for dessert with espresso.
By the time Ethan and I were ready to leave, Ethan said to Mamma, “I’ll call Gabby tomorrow and check in with her.”
Mamma kissed Ethan on the cheek. “Grazie, figliolo.”
I extended my hand to Frank but he took it in both of his. “You handled yourself tonight with Belle and then with Gabby in a manner that speaks to the good man you are. So, I’ll say it again, I am grateful that you’re with Ethan. He deserves only the best.”
Mamma of course gave me a bear hug even though she was at least three or four inches shorter than me. “Thank you…” I said, then paused, not sure what to call her.
“Mamma,” she inserted.
“See you in the morning,” Ethan said to Frank as we left.
On the way home, I asked, “Has Belle always been like this? I’m not asking for me. I mean for Gabby.”
Ethan didn’t respond right away. “I think since they began having fights over finding a sperm donor. Gabby wasn’t honest about her feelings and Belle holds grudges.
I’ve seen it with Teddy. He joked about something once that was aimed at her.
Nothing remotely rude. But she didn’t like it, and Teddy spent weeks groveling.
Not that he gave a fuck. He made amends for Gabby’s sake.
Belle finally forgave him verbally. But she’s never really been the same with him. ”
“That’s a shame. But I am glad that Mamma and Frank decided to delay our video call.”
“Yeah, me too,” Ethan said. “He would’ve been angry at Belle, which would’ve put a damper on meeting you.” He stole a glance at me when we were stopped at a red light. “Do you and I need to talk about anything that Belle said?”
“No, I don’t think so. You don’t feel that way.
In her defense—which I say begrudgingly, I don’t think anyone can really appreciate what meeting in the confessional meant to us.
With me wanting to come out but still within the parameters of my clerical responsibilities and you trying to free yourself from your past trauma…
” I lifted his hand to my face and kissed his knuckles.
“The confessional was our safe place. We’ve spoken about this before, but Belle’s outburst made me realize the truth of it.
Baby, I don’t know if I would’ve ever had the courage to leave the Church until you and our clandestine meetings.
If she has a problem with us, that’s on her.
It’s what she said about you and the baby… as long as you’re with me.”
The light changed and Ethan’s attention was on the road. At my words, he cast me a sidelong glance, then he flipped on his blinkers and turned down a side street, where he pulled to the curb and put the truck in Park.
“Ethan, what are you doing?”
“Jude, as much as I’d hate not being allowed to be part of the baby’s life,” Ethan clasped my face in his hands and spoke with a genuineness that filled in another piece of my heart, “you are my future, not their baby. I want you Jude, first and always.”
I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I wanted to let him know that he was my world.
But it was too soon to be open about my feelings.
I needed to be free from the encumbrances of the Church and come to some kind of truce with my mother.
So, instead of using words, I placed my hands over his and pulled him in close enough so that our lips were touching.
And then I kissed him sweet and tart, soft and rough, so breathless that we sucked in the air around us and jerked apart gasping to breathe.
And in that moment, I felt that we were each other’s universe.
“Someday I’ll say the words I feel,” I murmured into his mouth, sharing my warm breaths with his.
Ethan nodded in silent understanding. Then he nibbled at my earlobe and whispered, “Let’s go home.”
He put the truck in gear and pulled onto the road.
I was quiet for the rest of the ride, deliberating how to ask Ethan for what I’d been longing for ever since the day in the confessional when we’d mirrored each other’s hand on the lattice and confessed our growing need for intimacy.
Today, after meeting his surrogate family and declaring his loyalty to me, I couldn’t ignore my desire for him any longer.
I wanted him. Needed him. And I was ready to beg.
We were back in his apartment, in the bedroom. “You’ve been quiet,” Ethan said, as he yanked off his ankle boots. Unbuttoning his shirt, he came to stand in front of me. He ran the back of his knuckles along my cheekbone. “What’s going on?”
“Sit with me, please.” I picked up my phone and thumbed through my emails. When I found the one that I was looking for, I opened up the attachment. “I don’t mean to be crass, but I’m honestly not sure how to broach the subject. This will give you an idea.”
He took my proffered phone and for a long beat just stared. Then blinking, he read the results, this time out loud. “Negative.” He held up the phone. “When did you get these done?”
“I didn’t,” I said quickly. “Well, that’s not entirely true.
Every year I had to get an annual exam. When I had mine three months ago, I had the lab technician include an STI panel.
I guess subconsciously, I knew that I’d be leaving the Church and wanted to have proof if I ever trusted someone enough to have sex. ”
Ethan went still, my phone now between us.
His blank, unreadable face unsettled me as he stared down at the floor.
For long minutes, I waited him out, letting him process my unspoken request with no idea what he was feeling.
And I hoped that I hadn’t ruined everything.
It’s just that I craved the final piece of what we meant to each other— a physical manifestation of our feelings.
When he spoke, his voice was barely audible. I adjusted my position to see his mouth,
read his lips but I still didn’t understand. I touched his forearm and rubbed ever so lightly. “Come back to me, baby. I’m here to listen.”
My soft words had an effect, and he looked up, a sadness in his green eyes that had my own tearing. He began again. “In the last seven years, I hardly thought about touching another man. When I allowed myself to fantasize seeing someone across a room and having an electrified chemistry…”
A hint of a smirk crossed his handsome face, since that was exactly what happened when we met each other’s gaze. “Like us?”
“Yeah, like us. But in my fantasy, the man asked if I would fuck him. My initial thought was why would he want me? But after he asked again, I decided that I wanted him. I admitted that I’d dreamed of making love to him.
” Ethan brought my hand to his heart where his shirt fell open.
I felt the cool metal of his nipple ring under my trembling palm as I waited for what seemed an eternity.
Then he whispered the words I dreaded. “I told him no.”
I chanced urging him on, my voice soft and soothing. “Why, baby? Why did you change your mind?”
He lifted his shoulders in an exaggerated shrug.
“I was afraid that I’d hurt him… that he’d ask me to stop, that I wouldn’t.
” Ethan covered his ears. “He screamed, Jude. Luca begged me for mercy and… and…” Ethan couldn’t finish his sentence.
Instead, tears fell freely as a loud, harsh wail filled the room.
I lunged to his side and cradled him, holding his head against my chest. “Baby,” I said softly, trying to soothe him with my words.
“Shush… baby,” I murmured against his temple as I started to rock him.
“My sweet, loving baby,” I repeated over and over until his sobs slowed.
I wiped under his eyes with the pad of my thumb.
“I’m sorry,” he croaked.
“For what?” I asked, still rocking gently and smoothing his brow.
“For falling apart. You asked for something that every other normal gay man can do without making an ass of himself.”
“Other men don’t count, Ethan. Only you. You can’t take back what happened. But didn’t you tell me that Luca was the one who said that you deserved a second chance?”
“Yes,” he said very quietly.
“Because he sees you Ethan, not the man who was manipulated and abused until you couldn’t even recognize yourself. And I’m going to tell you something else. I trust you implicitly. I believe with all my heart that you’d never hurt me. And if I asked you to stop, you would.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I just am, Ethan. I can’t explain why. It’s the feeling of butterflies in my stomach when I hear you coming in from work.
It’s how gentle you are with me when I need you to be.
And passionate when my body yearns for more.
It’s how you wouldn’t let me visit the bishop alone. All those things and many more.”
We sat in the silence for a bit until I said, “Ethan, you had the same worries when we started to be intimate with each other. We went slow, and now we’re comfortable discovering new things about our bodies. How to bring each other to sexual highs.”
At my last words, my dick plumped. Not the right time. I was going to say something when I wriggled so his hip wasn’t smack up against me. Then I felt his swell as well. I wasn’t sure if I should say something.
Ethan straightened and met my gaze. “Thank you, Jude. I want you to believe that I desperately want to make love to you. I just need more time of us frotting and making out. I’d also like suggest something in the meantime.”
“What is it, Ethan?”
“Have you played with your hole yet?”
I felt heat climbing up my neck and Ethan brushed the back of his hand over my flaming cheeks.
“I have been for a few months. Masturbation was not encouraged but we were allowed as long as we weren’t using a specific person as inspiration.
” I had to chuckle, which amused Ethan. “The very first time when our eyes connected, and then I walked down the aisle to see you close up, I went back to the rectory and masturbated with your soul-catching green eyes in my mind. I suctioned a dildo to the wall and rode it, envisioning what your dick might feel like. Getting myself off that time was definitely a break from my vow of celibacy.”
Ethan’s mouth dropped open and then snapped shut again when he groaned, “Fuck, Jude, you can’t talk like that. My dick feels like a lamppost.”
“I’m very aware,” I said and skimmed my index finger over the sensitive head, then down the underside to sweet, sexy moans.
“In four days I see Andrew. Before we try penetration, I want to talk with him. I’ve been seeing him ever since I moved to Long Beach and he has a good grasp on my progression so far.”
“I’m glad you have him, Ethan. I’m not going anywhere.”
“No, you’re not,” he said, heat in his gaze as he gently flipped me onto my back and then straddled me, bracing his upper body on his forearms. “I’d like to kiss you.”
“And maybe more of what we’ve been doing?” I asked greedily.
“Yes. Anything I’m capable of giving is all yours.”
And then he kissed me hard and deep. Once I had the taste of Ethan on my tongue, all my concerns about having upset him melted away as we kissed and frotted until twilight gave way to a crescent moon night, the thin arc of light seeming to find Ethan and radiating onto the gorgeous man enveloped in my arms.