Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
ETHAN
Sitting in Andrew’s office was as familiar as being in my apartment. My relationship with him as a confidante was equally comforting despite the fact I paid him for his time.
“What are you thinking?” Andrew asked, impeccably dressed as always.
My impression about Andrew has been that he feels he has to look pristine because he’s a Black man and he wants to prove his worth.
His personality runs nothing like his outward appearance, which is austere.
He’s kind, compassionate, and warm. Plus, his favorite companion in the world besides his husband is a slobbering one hundred forty-pound Newfoundland named Tessie.
Andrew had several photos of himself, his biker husband, and their dog posed next to his Harley Davidson.
“I was thinking that since Gabby has her own troubles, you’re the only other person that I can confide in. It’s sad that I have to pay for a friend. I also know that since Napa, I’ve shut down, mistrustful of letting people get too close.”
“Is that why you’re here today?”
I smoothed out the invisible wrinkles on the black chinos that were my work uniform. They were clean, since I wore overalls over them while I was in the bay. However, when I moved around on my seat, the air became saturated with a hint of engine oil. “Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t have time to change.”
“You were going to tell me what you wanted to cover during our session,” Andrew said, getting me back on track.
“Right,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “Jude asked me to make love to him.” I let the words settle between us.
“What did you tell him?” Andrew asked, no judgment.
“I freaked. I told him that I was afraid of hurting him. And that I had to talk to you.”
Andrew tapped his pen on his knee. “I’m curious, Ethan. Why would you hurt him?”
“Andrew,” I snapped, annoyed that he couldn’t figure that out on his own.
And then I caught myself. He wasn’t going to assume what my feelings might have been.
Calmer, I said, “I’m afraid that when I’m in position to fuck him, the act of putting my dick in him will trigger me and I’ll get rough and not stop when he tells me to. ”
“Hmm,” Andrew hummed. “What sexual position was Luca in that day?”
“Why are you bringing up Luca?” Bile rose in my throat as I glared at Andrew.
“Trust me, Ethan. I wouldn’t if I didn’t think it might help you.”
“I don’t know,” I said, my voice getting frantic as I tried to recall the parts of the day that weren’t repressed.
“I-I guess… he must’ve been bent over the table or desk…
whatever it was. That’s all the stuff that was in there.
It was a beat-up old shed. Andrew, no more,” I pleaded, my face in my hands.
“Ethan, you don’t have to look at me but please listen. The result of the drugs left you void of feelings, void of emotions. The sensations of pleasure or pain were non-existent. What are your feelings for Jude?”
My head popped up. “What?”
“How do you feel about Jude?” Andrew repeated his question, showing no impatience.
“I think… I might be in love,” I said, letting the rightness of my answer settle over me like a warm blanket on a winter day.
“Feelings, Ethan. And love is an overriding emotion. My suggestion…”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak because talking about sex with Andrew is both awkward as fuck as well as arousing. Not aroused toward Andrew. No, it was the thought of seeing Jude again naked.
“If, Ethan, because even if Jude wants to have penetrative sex, it doesn’t mean you have to agree.
However, if and when, pick a position like missionary style.
Oftentimes, a nervous or anxious top will choose to have the bottom’s back to them.
Not looking into each other’s eyes creates an emotional disconnection.
” Andrew paused and then warned,” What I’m going to say next might cause you to become aroused so don’t be embarrassed.
But I feel strongly about making my point. Do I have your permission to continue?”
I huffed out a long breath. “I’m halfway hard anyway so go for it.”
“Ethan, imagine being on top of Jude. You’ve prepped him and you’re aroused from just being with him. You gaze into his eyes, Ethan. What’s reflected back at you?”
“Love. He hasn’t said the words yet but neither have I. But his feelings are in his beautiful warm brown eyes. And the way he touches me, it’s all about his love.”
“Do you want to give yourself to him, Ethan?”
My eyes slid closed as I envisioned saying the words and then in slow increments, I push inside him. “Yes,” I whispered in a ragged breath.
“Would you hurt him, Ethan?”
“Ohmygodno,” I said, the words rushing out as one word as I truly felt the inability of such an action. “He’s everything to me.”
Andrew cleared his throat to bring me back. “Ethan, take few seconds and then open your eyes.”
In those seconds, I recognized for the first time ever that my past was just that.
In the rearview mirror and out of sight.
Maybe it took the caring and love of a man.
After all, I’d never been in love before.
Turns out that I’d been waiting for the man that would appreciate me absolutely for who I was despite the sins of my past. He loved me even though I was impossibly passionate about my job with Maserati and could talk about their different models way too much.
I was obsessive for anything Italian… even from Northern Italy since that’s where Frank and polenta originated from.
He loved me. And in return, I loved him with a fierceness that I never knew conceivable.
When I opened my eyes, my mouth uplifted into an easy smile. “Seven years of hard work learning to forgive myself. But it took a man in a confessional that stole my heart and gave me a future to look forward to.” Meeting Andrew’s gaze, I said, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Ethan. Sometimes, all it takes is analyzing something from a different angle.”
We spoke for a while longer. When Andrew signaled that our time was up, I did something that was out of character for me and probably was one of the “don’ts” in the therapist’s handbook.
He never rose when I left. So, I leaned over and hugged him.
“Thanks to you, Andrew, I’ve reclaimed another pound of freedom.
” I spun around and left right away. Otherwise, he or I or both might’ve gotten emotional. But I’d meant every word.
From Andrew’s office I stopped at The Ring and to say a quick hello.
I parked blocking the garage attached to the building but I knew I’d only be a few minutes, and I didn’t want to park by the church.
Hawk embraced me with a wide grin and holding me at arm’s length, repeatedly told me how great I looked.
When he asked when I was coming back to work out, I told him soon.
As soon as Jude’s affairs with the Church were settled.
Before I left, I said, “Just an FYI, Hawk, if anyone come around asking…”
Hawk held up his hand to stop me. “I told Jude the same I’m telling you. If anyone comes sniffing around, no one’s getting any information. Oliver knows as well for when I might not be here.” He studied me but then he smirked. “Love looks good on you. I’m happy for you, man.”
“Thanks, Hawk.”
He gave my arm a playful punch, then said in a mocking tone. “Now move your fucking truck from clogging my driveway and get home to your man.”
“Yes, sir,” I said and left with him laughing. Once inside my truck, I sent a text to Jude that I was on my way, started the engine, and headed home.
By the time I walked into my apartment I was shattered, the therapy session having used up my reservoir of energy. When I went into my bedroom hoping to flop on the bed with Jude, he wasn’t there. I had a flash of worry until he called out, “I’m in here.”
I kicked off my work boots and crossed the hallway to the guest bedroom with the en suite bathroom that had a bathtub with jets.
Jude was already in the water. A moment passed before he noticed me standing on the threshold.
Not enough time for me to get my fill. His sandy blond hair was slicked back, apparently having dunked his head.
Droplets of water danced on the ends of his eyelashes that framed rich brown eyes studded with gold specks; they appeared to have been sun kissed.
Unlike me, he had virgin skin, pale from having worn his clerical clothes up until only a week ago.
“Hey, baby,” Jude said. “I just got in. Come join me while the water is hot. I timed your arrival from your text.”
“I hadn’t thought of taking a bath but it’s exactly what I need,” I breathed out on a sigh and began stripping myself as fast as my fingers allowed me. “And you look incredibly sexy all wet.”
I stripped my clothes off in record time.
I put a leg in and was going to sit behind him, but Jude said, “No, baby. You worked all day. Lower yourself in front of me because with your permission, I’m going to simultaneously massage and wash you, make you come, and then get out and towel you off.
And then I’m going to feed you the dinner that I put aside.
All you have to do is take what I give you. ”
My head swam with his words on the tail of Andrew’s experiment with me. “Fuck, Babbo. Where is this coming from?”
“I might’ve fallen down a rabbit hole while researching D/s dynamics. Not that I’d ever consider myself even close to being a Dom. The only thing that resonated with me was a few ideas that I could really see us doing together.” Jude waited a beat and then asked, “Do I have your permission.”
My mouth was dry. “Yes,” I replied, my voice husky.