Chapter 18 #4
“You,” he said, and met my gaze. “I wanted to punish myself for something that was in the past. But under his whip, I finally realized that if I keep harboring guilt over something I can’t change then how do I move forward with you? The simple answer was, I can’t.”
With his admission, I let my tears fall because they were a display of my joy. “I’m so proud of you, baby. I want so much to move forward with you. We have each other and a surrogate family that loves you so much.”
“We do,” he agreed. “But we have to go, Jude. Master Liam has to do the cleanup routine before he vacates the room.”
“Yeah, he told me.” I stood, leaving room for Ethan to maneuver himself so he was in an uptight position. “I’m glad to see that he treated the lacerations.”
Ethan put on his socks and work boots. I handed him his shirt that was on a nearby hook. After he eased the piece of clothing over his back, he took my hands and said, “Jude, you need to know something.”
“Confession time, baby?”
“Yes. I want to do scenes again, but for the right reason. I’ve already decided I’ll talk to Hawk and try and explain the pain dynamic. If he still won’t let me spar there then I’ll quit. We don’t have time to talk about it now, but I felt I had to say something. In case you—”
I inhaled his next words in my mouth when I kissed him hard.
Then I said, “Don’t even say what I think you were going to.
” Gesturing with my chin to beyond the room we were in, I continued, “I liked what I saw out there, Ethan. Gabby got me in by saying that I had an interest in joining. And I definitely want to have a conversation about it.”
Ethan twisted the band on my wrist. “I’ll set up a time to talk to Master Beckett. I’m sure Gabby mentioned that he and his wife are the owners.”
“Mm, she did.” I held out my hands and pulled him to his feet. “Can I say again how proud I am of you.”
But it was Ethan who grabbed my nape and smashed his lips to mine in a messy, dirty kiss that had drool leaking out the corner of my mouth. “Thank you for coming after me.”
I was surprised to see Liam and Gabby still in conversation. Close conversation. Which made me curious if she was bi or pansexual. When we neared them, Liam got up and said to Ethan, “If you give me your phone, I’ll put in my digits. I’d love to have an opportunity to finish our scene.”
Patting his pockets, Ethan said, “Shit, sorry, I forgot it at home.”
“Here,” I said to Liam. “Put them in mine.”
“Master Liam,” Ethan said. “Jude is interested in learning the art of impact play. If you’re available, maybe you can get together.”
“I’d like the opportunity, Jude. I’ve mentored several Doms that are members here at Hard Limit. I’m happy to give you references.”
“Ethan was saying how much he trusts Master Beckett,” I said, remembering to add his honorific.
The Dom winked at me. “Fast learner. Once you’re a member, the titles will come easy. Like a Dom’s endearment or nickname for their submissive. And vice versa. Ethan, may I ask how you refer to Jude?”
“Well, since we’re not in a contract, calling him, Babbo came very easy. In Italian that would be the same as Father, since I feel Jude has already taken on the role of caretaker and dominant in subtle ways.”
“Respect your feelings, Ethan. I sent a text to Beckett to ask about you before I agreed to play. He had only positive things to say. You proved that in spades by calling red. I look forward to our next meeting.”
Ethan bowed his head. “Thank you, Master Liam. But I think I’d like to leave now. I’m fried.” Then he turned to me. “Are you ready, Babbo?”
“Yes, baby. I am.”
“Gabby,” Ethan said, “do you want to come over? You’re not going back to work, right?”
“No, but thanks,” Gabby replied breezily. “And yes, I’m not going back to work. I’m going to hang out here for a while.” She gave Liam a coy smile. “Maybe Master Liam will buy me a drink.”
“Keep me company while I put the room to rights and then I’ll throw in dinner. Have you eaten yet?”
“No,” Gabby said.
Ethan stood dumbfounded, I was guessed over Gabby flirting with the good-looking Dom. “Gabby, can I have a second?”
“Come back to the aftercare room when you’re done,” the Dom said.
“What are you doing?” Ethan asked. “You’ve never come on to a woman or a man since you and Belle got together. What’s going on?”
Gabby raised her left hand and wiggled her fourth finger.
Bare except for the imprint on the skin of a ring that had been there.
“The day after we had dinner with you last Sunday we had a huge fight. She’s never gotten over me not being honest about the baby.
And to be truthful, I haven’t changed my mind.
I got pregnant for her.” She waved her hand.
“And yeah, not a substantial reason. But…” Gabby gestured toward the black curtain.
“I need to get laid so let’s talk tomorrow.
We can meet at our spot and have burritos for breakfast.”
I cast my gaze anywhere except on Gabby. I didn’t know if I was invited or not. But why would I be? I was the new kid. She and Ethan were tight.
“Jude, you come, too.”
“Are you sure?” I asked. “This is personal and you hardly know me.”
“You coming will save Ethan going home and having to relate everything,” she teased. And then serious, she added, “If I ever feel that I have to speak to Ethan alone, I’ll be sure to let you know.”
“Okay, then,” I said. “Ethan, do you need to say anything to Gabby without me?”
“No, my questions can wait until tomorrow,” he said and kissed her on the cheek. “Be safe.”
As soon as we were down the stairs and heading for the exit,” I pulled him out of the stream of bodies near a hallway that had a sign that read, Changing Rooms, Members Only. “Your eyes are so dark, I can’t tell whether your angry or worried.”
“The latter,” he said.
I cupped his face. “About them splitting up?”
“No,” he replied, his manner more worrisome than when my mother screamed at him.
“Ethan, then what?”
“I’m afraid she’ll decide to get an abortion. My sperm helped make the fetus she’s carrying. And she’s looking to hook up…”
I enclosed Ethan in the circle of my arms, pressing his head to my shoulder. “Baby, you’ve been through fucking hell and back today. Let’s go home.”
I took his hand and waving good night to Caleb and Roger, we walked to his truck in silence.
The only words that passed between us was when I asked for the key fob to his truck.
I’d never driven anything but sedans, but I wasn’t about to mention my inexperience.
And I refused to let him drive in his state of mind.
Besides, the gearshift was clearly marked.
I backed out of the space made easy with a back-up camera, then slipped the gear into Drive.
The feel of a truck was light years different than what I was used to.
Thus, I took a few minutes to get used to the heavier feel on the steering wheel and the unrefined ride. But I made it home without incident.
When I’d parked, he unbuckled his seat belt and touching his leg, I said, “Wait for me.”
He eyed me curiously but said nothing.
I hopped out and walked around to the passenger side, studying his dejected expression through the windshield.
When I opened the door, I took his hand and didn’t let go as he exited the truck.
Nor as we entered the lobby and made our way to the elevator.
When we were halfway down the corridor to his apartment, he paused me.
“Were Frank and Mamma going to wait?”
“No, they sent a text to Gabby when you were with Liam saying they were leaving and for you to remember they love you.”
Ethan merely replied in a hollow voice, “That’s good.”
I let us into the apartment. Once inside the foyer, I put the key fob on the table and dropped to one knee.
Ethan didn’t even react when I untied one work boot, tapped on his leg to lift up, and yanked the boot off.
I removed the other one and then toed off my shoes.
Then I walked him straight into the bathroom where I gingerly took off his shirt, then his pants and socks.
“I’m assuming you can’t take a shower with the lacerations being so new? ”
“No, I can’t,” he confirmed. “Liam cleansed them with alcohol and then smeared on the antiseptic cream. Jude, while I wash up would you mind making something for me to eat? I’ll come in as soon as it’s ready. But right now, I have to lay down before my legs give out.”
“Of course, baby.’
While he took a piss, I waited by the bed. As soon as he came out, I held up the bedcovers for him. He sat down first and then bracing himself with his hands, settled his legs on the bed before lowering his upper body onto his side.
As I was covering him, he said, “Just to my waist. My back is still burning.”
I kissed his temple and shook my head at myself for my ignorance.
I’d been all set to pleasure Ethan to make him forget his concerns.
He was so shattered that I doubted he was going to be awake by the time I returned.
“Baby,” I said softly, “your eyes are already closed. Did you want to sleep some, and then eat? Or should I get something ready and wake you?”
“Wake me, please.”
“You got it,” I said and pressed butterfly kisses to his closed eyelids.
I crept out, closing the door behind me.
In the kitchen, I found a saucepan on the stove and on the counter, a note that read, Ethan, a simple soup but overflowing with love.
Mamma. I pressed the note to my chest. It wasn’t even addressed to me but her maternal instincts and affection were palpable.
And the fact that she took time to cook something before she left that would be easy on his stomach was both incredibly thoughtful and not surprising.